She needs cover for why suddenly she is in love with a rich guy - badmouthing you does this.

But smile - it sure beats paying the gold digger alimony!

I love single parents who claim that their children are "their world" yet are busy dating and cultivating a romantic life for themselves.

I know that's not a popular notion. "What, I'm supposed to put everything on hold to raise my children?" Yes. You are.

I know this is off topic. I just chuckle every time at the "my world" cliche.

Sorry the kids' mommy upgrade didn't pan out. I'm sure they'll love the next one that turns up at the breakfast table.

I don't date men with kids, because a) I don't want to deal with the ex b) I don't want my own kids, I'm sure as hell not raising yours and c) I don't come second.

That said, this woman is a total bitch. I think the guy should be thankful he dodged that bullet.

Also, what whistleDick said.

Man, just go to the nearest temple/church/charity you believe in and leave a big offering/cash/food/ whatever they take. You did not dodge a bullet but a TRAIN!!! a freight train!

On a sidenote, I don't see why divorced or widowed parents should go on a monastical life. I agree to the logic that if you say my "world" then to be consistent you should then stop dating. But consistency is not the main characteristic I have observed in the US, or elsewhere as a matter of fact. And you don't have to make such a silly definitive statement as "my world". Please explain me why one shall wait that his kids are 18 to go back on dating?

nick

Because above everything, kids, particularly kids that have had their world shaken by a divorce, need to feel secure.

It's your job to make them feel some sense of security and parading a bunch of new women through their lives is not the way to do that.

It need not be entirely monastical. You can have a roster of booty call women for the weekends that the kids are over at Mom's. But your kids shouldn't be getting introduced to them or know anything about them. Just make sure you get them out of the house in plenty of time to febreeze the place so that it doesn't smell like a pet store.

Also, pulling one off does wonders for shaking the urge to date. After a few minutes of practicing good prostate health, your suddenly the most productive guy on the planet and the last thing on your mind is dating.

Sure, you have needs. Take care of them in ways that don't interfere with the, much more important, needs of your children.

I disagree with whistleDick.

Dating can, and should, be done responsibly. You don't bring home every date that happens to really ring your bell, but after a very prolonged period of dating in which you are both very serious about each other AND your children, it makes sense for them to meet your SO.

A miserable, lonely parent makes for miserable, lonely children.

Also, if your child resents you for bringing a serious relationship home to meet them, (done in a responsible and gradual way, say after year three of dating and the child's 12th birthday) then congratulations! You've raised a selfish child! Children are inherently selfish, but if you've done your job right, they want you to be happy too.

Children should be our world, but not our entire world.

And they should know that.

@LW: Three weeks after she broke things off, I learned she was "in love" with an older rich guy with no children and that she's spreading lies about me to mutual friends. We had a great relationship, and using her words, were "total soulmates."

These two sentences don't go together at all. As Nico@Hou suggested above, LW's luckier than he thinks he is right now. After rereading his own words a few times, he'll realize this.

@Miss Alkon: [Plato] wrote about a "symposium" (ancient Greek for "kegger") at which an apparently tanked Aristophanes claimed there were once three sexes -- male, female, and this weird he/she thing, round like a soccer ball, with four hands, four feet, and two faces.

This was more than a kegger. There must have been some serious doobage on hand.

Whistledick is wrong if my mom hadn't dated I wouldnt have had the experience of a wonderful father who loved me and has been by far the rock parent in my life. Also if my ex and I hadnt dated other people my daughter would be without two additional parental figures who absolutely adore her. I think Whistledick's worldview is really sad, condescending, and pretty self righteous to suppose his "way" is "the" way.

She is a shopper. She saw you on the shelf, and almost took you through the checkout stand, before she spotted another item she liked better.

Be thankful it only went that far, because if she changed her mind after the sale, it would have been a very expensive return. (For you). :-).

I'm a father of five kids who are the most important elements of my life. Whistledick's post is so foreign to me, and bizarrely oposed to what I've observed, I'd swear he was trolling he hadn't posted on other columns. Yeah, it would be wrong for me to date, but then I'm married.

How can it possibly be better for a man to maintain a "roster of booty call women" (are mom's supposed to do the same, or do they at least get to keep a roster of men) than to develop serious relationships with women. Kids learn how to live with another from their parents. If women are no more than a convenient way to dispose of your sperm, you're teaching your kids a hell of a life lesson.

One of my best friends divorced, and subsequently remarried. His new wife is the best thing in his kid's life, partly because the kid's mom is a real piece of work (and can not see her kid for more than 2 hours at a time). Another of my best friends remarried. It is good for his kids, less good for hers, but mostly because it was way too late to save her son from becoming a complete douche bag like his father. A third friend is living with his girlfriend. She is awesome, and they have a much better relationship than he had with his wife. Nothing was wrong with his ex, she just wasn't the right woman for him, and it was obvious to an outsider, let alone his kids. Would his kids really be better off if he just kept his head down and just "yanked one off", instead of demonstrating how a good relationship should be?

Ooof. LW, I know this won't make you feel better, but you dodged one crazy bullet there.

And, whistleDick, I'm going to have to disagree there. My aunt lost her husband to a car accident when her son was five. She remarried when he was 11 years old to a guy who is an excellent father figure and continues to be, now that the "kid" is graduated from college. She introduced him, carefully and gradually, to the kid after about two years of dating -- at which point they were serious and discussing marriage. Fulfilling, serious, grown-up relationships are a vital part of adulthood, and a happy parent is a better parent.

I agree that parents need to be super careful about bringing a significant other to meet the kid. Not all of them SHOULD meet your kid. In fact, if done right, only one significant other (the one you marry) will meet your kid. But if my aunt had waited until her kid was 18, both she and my cousin would have missed out big time on having an amazing man in their lives.

Reading all this reminded me of some videos I was watching last night of the late Sam Kinison..."You never loved me--why didn't you tell me you were a fiend from Hell? Aughhhh! Aughhh!"

Painfully funny, if you can stand the screaming.

Just like life.

Well, gotta go milk the poles before they get testy.

The LW dodged a bullet, though the woman is just following her hypergamous nature. I suspect the majority of women in the dating market would prefer a wealthy man with no children. Such a man can shower her with time, attention, and gifts. And she has to make LW look like an asshole in order to rationalize leaving him so cold-bloodedly. None of this is really shocking female behavior in America.

When I was single and very briefly looking at online dating profiles, I would *immediately* click the back button when I came across a woman's profile that read "my children are my whole world!" These women are usually looking for someone to spend money on them when the kids aren't around, or they're accepting applications for replacement dads for their kids in order to make their parenting lives easier.

I wasn't aware men used this phrase, too. Having no worldly interests other than your children seems pathetically narrow to me.

I disagree with whistleDick.

Me too. You don't introduce your kids to every booty call, but this relationship had gotten to the point where LW wanted to marry this woman.

My husband's mother died when he was 10. His father remarried 2 years later. No one has any regrets.

I feel like congratulating the LW on his narrow escape!

Add me to the list of people who disagree with Whistledick. It's immaterial to me, since I am A)childless, and B)happily married, but I've known too many people who are close to mom or dad's second spouse to think it's always a bad idea for a parent to re-partner. I think in particular of a girl who refers to her mom's husband as "Dad," and her biological father as "the sperm donor" -- he did exactly nothing for her during her childhood, while Dad was always loving and supportive.

Yes, absolutely, do not introduce dates to the kids beyond "This is my friend (name), we're going to the movies, and I'll be back before midnight," until you're convinced there's a true commitment there. No sleepovers, no taking the kids places together. But not even look? I don't see any reason for that.

Plenty blame to go around on this one, IMO. The lady, of course, played this one badly. And my vote is that her after-the-fact smear campaign is accountability avoidance. But the LW, I'm thinking he's had blinders on for way too long. I'm with Amy on the advice, the LW has some major personal inventory work to understand whether he was just oblivious or willfully ignorant of the signs. Or maybe the sex was just so good that he was post-coitally (sp?) blissed out the whole time.

"One of my best friends divorced, and subsequently remarried. His new wife is the best thing in his kid's life, partly because the kid's mom is a real piece of work (and can not see her kid for more than 2 hours at a time). Another of my best friends remarried. It is good for his kids, less good for hers, but mostly because it was way too late to save her son from becoming a complete douche bag like his father."

"I think in particular of a girl who refers to her mom's husband as "Dad," and her biological father as "the sperm donor""

Wow. That's quite a list of well adjusted, lovingly and carefully parented children. I'm sure they'll do just fine. How could I have been so blind?

I know some pretty fucked up families as well. That's why I made the decision not to date while my kids were growing up.

Yep. These things are very normal in American families today. Not so normal? Kids that are raised properly.

As some have rightly pointed out, there are some notable exceptions to my little rule. Our dear letter writer's story is, sadly, not among those exceptions. I'll take my parental judgement over his any day.

Told you it wasn't a popular opinion.

@whistleDick "I love single parents who claim that their children are "their world" yet are busy dating and cultivating a romantic life for themselves. I know that's not a popular notion. "What, I'm supposed to put everything on hold to raise my children?" Yes. You are."

I disagree, I think the best thing you can do for your children in a single-parent scenario, is to try turn it into a (stable, solid) two-parent scenario ... kids have MUCH better outcomes with two parents.

And I disagree in general that you're supposed to put 'everything' on hold to raise your children, that just makes no logical sense.

LW sounds like he dodged a bullet (if you think this is bad, look on the bright side - you could have married her!) ... but I would tell her to stop spreading lies.

Life's too short to waste time on people like this, find someone decent.

"... particularly kids that have had their world shaken by a divorce, need to feel secure ... ... your kids shouldn't be getting introduced to them or know anything about them"

Because the best way to make kids feel secure, is to lie to them continually by going behind their backs and living secret lives that you keep from them?

And the best way to introduce the new step-mommy is a big "surprise, you have a new mommy" party?

And the most practical way to see if the woman you're dating is going to like your kids, is to keep her from them?

This is bizarre on so many levels.

Of course, there's no way you're going to really keep such big secrets from your kids - instead, by lying to them the whole time, you're just going to effectively teach your kids never to be able to trust anyone, not even you.

Why is your presumption that any form of dating while a single parent, is automatically of the slutty one-night-stand variety? It's so condescending and out of touch with reality. If a person prefers stable long-term relationships before they get married, they're probably going to continue to prefer them.

I have a (female) friend who is in a stable relationship with a divorced father of two, they're excellent together, and she is also an excellent new mother for those kids ... I watched as under her firm and caring guidance they went from being cheeky moody lazy junk-food-eating couch potatoes who were performing poorly academically, to some of the most healthy, hard-working, decent, well-mannered kids I've ever met.

"That's why I made the decision not to date while my kids were growing up."

whistleDick, if you were completely serious about your children being "your world", why did you divorce in the first place?

If you were totally serious about providing what's best for your children,(unless your wife was abusive or an alcoholic) you would have stayed in the marriage for the betterment of your children, and gotten tail on your business trips.

I think you're putting too personal a spin on it. Your also coming across a tad hypocritical.

Judgmental too.

Just sayin.

"whistleDick, if you were completely serious about your children being "your world", why did you divorce in the first place?"

I agree. That's why I didn't. Sometimes the woman does the divorcing. Plus, I didn't use the "my world" phrase. That was the phrase that set me off in the first place.

"Because the best way to make kids feel secure, is to lie to them continually by going behind their backs and living secret lives that you keep from them?"

So you have sex in front of your children? Look how Daddy really puts his back into it!

"And the best way to introduce the new step-mommy is a big "surprise, you have a new mommy" party?"

No. That's my point. They have a mommy and will not be needing or getting a "new" one.

"And the most practical way to see if the woman you're dating is going to like your kids, is to keep her from them?"

Again, you've missed the point. You aren't dating anyone. You aren't keeping anything from them. The thing about the booty call was a bit tongue in cheek. However, there wouldn't be anything with that. The kids definitely would not meet the booty call or know anything about her. You're not dating her, you're fucking her. Also, she wouldn't be so much a "secret" as simply not a topic of discussion. Would you be living a secret life by pulling one off in the shower? Would that be something that should be discussed with the children?

Pulling your pud is completely different than teaching your children to keep secrets about important issues from family members.

I can tell you from personal experience, that no matter how hard you try, those skeletons will eventually fall out of the closet.

Then you're really in a pickle. (So to speak)Teaching your kids to lie (omission as well as commission) inevitably backfires.

As to the "new mommy", a responsible parent doesn't seek to replace the other parent, rather they seek happiness for themselves. This teaches children, quite rightly, that there are occasions when it is perfectly acceptable to be selfish. I doubt your children wanted you to live a life devoid of a romantic relationship for 10 plus years. You put that on yourself, they didn't.

Also, have you ever wondered what would happen if one of your "booty calls" (God I hate that term...) were to go all fatal attraction on you and show up at three am?

There are those who parade a constant line of men/women in front of their children. Those people are in need of parenting lessons.

There are those, however, who do it responsibly.

Also, your kids never walked in on you and your wife? The married life is no guarantee that your kids won't walk in on you and the Mr/Mrs in the shower. Actually, it's a guarantee that they WILL.

Single or married, your gonna have sex.How you handle it is the key.

My husband's mother died when he was 10. His father remarried 2 years later. No one has any regrets.

Posted by: MonicaP at July 24, 2013 9:26 AM

Death has a finality to your abilities as a parent, that divorce just can't compete with.

It takes a very special woman to put the interests of some other woman's children ahead of her own desires and her own potential offspring.

I think whistledick is correct to be putting his kids ahead of his love life. I have seen both women and men make some terrible choices in this area.

Here's another perspective on dating with kids. . .

Many years ago, when my wife was unmarried and childless, she dated a divorced dad with a 3-year-old son (he had sole custody). By the time she realized that the dad was bad news (alcoholic, drug addicted, verbally abusive), she was so attached to the kid that she married the dad anyway.

I know some pretty fucked up families as well. That's why I made the decision not to date while my kids were growing up.

Looks like you chose what was best for you and your family. Nobody here is faulting you for that (well, maybe a few are, and they're wrong to do so).

But that path won't work for everyone. Going a decade or more without a nurturing, healthy, adult relationship would make many people go insane, and that's not good for the kids.

You've seen a lot of effed up families (as have I) -- but the problem wasn't parents dating/being in relationships/remarrying. The problem was that they were irresponsible and idiotic about it. That's like saying "because some parents are alcoholics, NO parent ever should have drinks after work, a couple beers at the family reunion, or a wine at dinner." Or "Because guns cause injuries, no parent should ever own one, hunt as a hobby or teach a kid how to use a gun responsibly." My dad drank a beer with dinner my whole childhood and, for a time, owned a gun. I'm fine. Likewise, my cousin (whose dad died when he was a tot and whose mom dated and remarried responsibly), is more than fine.

tl;dr: Responsible parents will raise emotionally healthy kids. Responsible parents and parents who date after a divorce or death are not mutually exclusive.

I think one of the glaring issues with whistleDick's theory is that it's not as easy for a guy to find a "roster of booty call women" as it is to find one woman to date. Does he read Amy's column at all? Women are not biologically incentivized to sleep around.

I think this is one of those issues like stay at home parenting. Your opinion will be strong, and no amount of explaining from the other side will change your mind. WhistleDick thinks he shouldn't date while his kids are growing up and that's his choice. He obviously can't impose that on others, and his opinion is so strong that it borders on irrational. Of course single parents can date responsibly, introducing their kids to a potential mate in a reasonable, age appropriate way. But that's not really the point of this letter. This is really addressed to the person who gets involved with a single parent. If you're going to do it, you better be damned sure you're ready to have that child as a very important part of your life. If you can't, back off and find someone without kids.

The problem with WhistleDick's advice is that the ones who would follow it, don't need to, while those who should follow it, won't. Anyone who is caring and responsible enough to stop dating for the sake of their kids is capable of dating in ways that won't hurt them and might even be good for them. Someone too stupid and/or selfish to exercise care in who and how they date isn't going to stop entirely for the sake of the kids.

She is a shopper. She saw you on the shelf, and almost took you through the checkout stand, before she spotted another item she liked better.

Nicely put, Isab. Perhaps rich guy will get dumped when she meets richer guy.

The problem with WhistleDick's advice is that the ones who would follow it, don't need to, while those who should follow it, won't.

Love this point.

I'll understand if this sounds trite, LW, but you dodged a bullet. She's obviously a golddigger, and a shallow vindictive one at that.

If her relationship with handsome rich guy doesn't pan out, you'll see it for yourself when she turns on him and tries to take him for all he's got.

Nice one, Islab. Very well delivered :-)

I also disagree with WhistleDick; however, I understand what he means. That's because when my parents divorced, my dad basically told my sister and me that his new wife was more important to him than we were (being 9 and 11, we asked him who he'd save if we were all falling off a cliff and he could only save one of us, and he said he'd save our stepmom. We repeated the question over the years, hoping for a different answer/evidence that we were loved, but continued to get the same answer). This experience resulted in my vowing never to fuck my kids up like that/ever let them think that they WEREN'T my #1 priority. Maybe something similar happened to WD.

PS - there's got to be another phrase we can use that similarly conveys "dodged a bullet."

No, Rachel, my parents are still together after 47 years or so. Sorry that happened to you, though. That's awful.

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