Whistle While You Weep!
My boyfriend and I just ended our relationship and are trying to heal and move on. This is difficult because we not only work together but are in the same building and on the same research team. I love my job and feel lucky to have it, so moving on to another workplace isn't the answer.
--Blasted With The Past
It's hard to maintain a veneer of professionalism when the plant's loudspeaker pages you, "Employee #442, Employee #440 is drunk-dialing you on extension 2." Unfortunately, it's easy to end up in that situation when you don't have the usual benefit of a breakup, which typically involves separating once and for all, not every day at the end of the workday. Give yourself concrete reinforcement that it's over by writing down five reasons you don't belong together, and help yourself compartmentalize at work by drawing a line down a piece of paper and listing the appropriate behaviors for "Together" vs. "Just work together."
Because research finds that ritual is highly effective in helping people assimilate change (and because it'll probably be comforting to have a cackle with a couple of friends), maybe have a "funeral" for your relationship and "bury" a few symbolic items from it in the nearest Dumpster. That probably sounds a bit wacky, but acting like the relationship is dead and gone and you're moving on should help you do just that. According to British psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, author of "The As If Principle," numerous studies suggest that "the easiest, quickest and most effective" way to change your thinking isn't by thinking about it but by acting "as if" you're the person you want to be -- in your case, the person who's managed to demote one of her co-workers from soulmate to paperweight.
Thank for sharing this, Amy. I'd never happened to hear of this technique before, but it sounds like it would be very helpful.
I may end up trying it myself for certain things I've put an end to.
Patrick at July 17, 2013 7:00 AM
Good advice. However, there is one thing in there that might get misinterpreted. LW, make sure you're not having a cackle with any coworker friends at this guy's expense. That would be very unprofessional and badly exacerbate your uncomfortable situation. I know that's not what Amy was saying, just wanted to clarify.
whistleDick at July 17, 2013 8:30 AM
Tomorrow morning, I am going to have a horrible, painful breakup with someone I work with (there's a reason for the timing rather than ripping the band-aid off right now, too complicated to go into here). He's a great dude, and a great co-worker, and the relationship still has to end. I am going to have to go to work every day and look at his beautiful face and know it's over. I can do this. It is going to suck horribly, but I can do this. Knowing that others have done it and can get past it and hearing these techniques helps. Also, not having you ream her out for "mixing business and pleasure" or suggesting she quit her job, as many advice columnists would. When one works in an intense work environment, and your co-workers are the main people you see all day, sometimes you get attached. It's heartening not to be told this itself is the big mistake. I can get through this. The letter writer can get through this. Life will go on.
Annie P. at July 17, 2013 8:52 AM
@AnnieP "Also, not having you ream her out for "mixing business and pleasure"
Yup, I've never bought into that oft-spread 'rule' that you shouldn't try get involved with someone at work. I mean, think about it - maybe you've met someone wonderful for you, maybe even just the right person for you, or maybe you're just going to have a great time with the person - and you're going to just pass that up, for what, for some job?
"Sorry, you might well be Mr/Ms Right, and I have the absolute hots for you, but I just love filing paperwork for Acme Corporation far too much!"
I'd rather go with it deal with the fallout. To be fair though, I do have the luxury of job security and choice of jobs.
Lobster at July 17, 2013 10:59 AM
This is why I don't believe in "soul mates". Too often, the person we fall for is in the next cubicle, row of desks, or frequents our favorite Starbucks. Why is the mysterious Soul Mate never in Nairobi?
Laurie at July 17, 2013 11:31 AM
"This is why I don't believe in "soul mates". Too often, the person we fall for is in the next cubicle"
Just for the record, I don't believe in 'soul mates' either .. :/ .. I threw in that "Mr/Ms Right" as a rhetorical device, my actual views are more complex, but in short I think that a large subset of individuals 'could' be right for someone ... i.e. that there are lots of potential Mr/Ms Rights out there. But this actually doesn't mean that it's unlikely that you'll meet someone right for you at work - on the contrary, statistically, it (rationally) means that you CAN quite well be reasonably likely to meet someone who is right for you, at work - partly because (depending on company size) you simply meet a lot of people at/through your job, and spend a lot of time with them. Also, people who work with you may almost by definition share some of your interests.
I had a great 5+ year relationship with a woman I met at a previous job. She only worked there for a few months *anyway*, it would have made no sense to not have the relationship.
Lobster at July 17, 2013 12:02 PM
...maybe have a "funeral" for your relationship and "bury" a few symbolic items from it in the nearest Dumpster. That probably sounds a bit wacky,...
Not in the least wacky, not to me anyway. I've burned pictures of exes, I've burned old letters, I've even burned a couple of concert ticket stubs, in order to help me move on from bad break-ups. I think it's rather therapeutic to do so. Gives one a "clean slate" so to speak. Even just making a list of the things that went wrong and burning that can give one a sense of cleansing.
(I imagine it would be rather difficult, though, to burn the telephone pole that my pirate ex-boyfriend climbed while telling me that he'd milk an infinite number of cows if I'd just let him drive my car.)
Flynne at July 18, 2013 9:05 AM
Akatsukami at July 30, 2013 8:33 AM
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