I don't disagree with anything Amy says here, but I'd just like to note that some folks just seem to be cryers, and it's not always linked to the sort of despair that non-cryers assume.

I'm not going to make assumptions about the LW or his girlfriend just saying, for myself, anger, frustration, and other strong negatives seem to be accompanied by tears. I often hate it, because crying is seen as weakness, whereas often my tears are my body's natural reaction to my internal desire to tear someone's head off with my bare hands.

I have had one boyfriend whose previous ex was apparently big on the, "Oh poor me, you're so mean you made me cry." When in our rare fights I would cry, he'd get upset with me for being self-pitying. I finally said, look, this is what I do when I'm mad. Do me the courtesy of at least treating me like an angry person, not a whinging, pathetic one. Doesn't mean angry is better, but at least we'll be speaking the same language.

I think for some folks, crying might just be an only semi-controlled biological reaction, like blushing, or jumping when you hear loud noises. The thing is, to be calm and rational about it, explain what it means, and not let everything get any drippier than necessary.

I wonder if crying types are the ones who used tears to get what they wanted as children.

I remember once when I was working in a restaurant, a waitress and I happened to notice a woman come in with a small boy, about five or six. And the kid would not stop crying. He had his hands to his face and was bawling. The eyes, however, looked quite dry. When he asked (demanded) anything, he would punctuate with another fit of bawling. For instance, as she was ordering breakfast, he started to ask for a glass of orange juice ---

"I want orange juice, too. I want orange juice, too!" and he resumed his bawling.

As the lady and her sobbing son finished breakfast and left, the waitress said to me, "Well, it's not too hard to see who controls that family."

"And he's such a tyrant about it," I said.

There's people that cry as a physical response to a situation but are still fully functional and then there's people that cry because they just don't know how to handle anything that disrupts their little world. The latter drive me batty.

More times than not, it's just.not.that.serious.
The crying makes a situation much more dramatic than it needs to be. What could take ten minutes usually ends up taking much longer when you're dealing with a crier. You cannot have a rational conversation with someone who cries about even the little things. I find that the criers are usually the people that would rather play the helpless card, thus drawing all the attention onto themeselves. That, or they really are just emotionally unstable and completely incapable of handling whatever it is that's going on. I have no patience for that shit.

I have been accused of being uncaring, insensitive, or downright cruel to people who are "emotional". It's not that I dismiss thier feelings, I just cannot dedicate time to taking care of them when we are dealing with a situation. I'm very solution oriented; I'm very direct in my approach. I go into what I call "survivor mode". One of the things I'm known for saying is "Suck it up, buttercup." or "Work now. Cry later." I've dealt with some pretty shitty situations in my life and have learned that having pity parties solves NOTHING. This is, very hard for some people to handle, especially from a woman. Apparently, I'm suppossed to crumble when the shit hits the fan instead of being the one that takes charge. Afterward, when all is calm is when I let myself deal with my feelings. Generally though, I've channeled whatever I was feeling into my solution so all I really need is a long nap and good glass of wine to recharge.

The good thing I guess is that all of my friends agree that when the Zombie apocolypse begins, they want to be on my team.

My solution to the criers is to usually walk away from them and go about my business. They usually realize that they aren't going to get attention from me and suck it up. That, or they go home and cry by themselves. Either way, I win.

IMO, crying is simply an attention grab, unless it's over something serious like a death in the family. The crier is saying loud and clear-"I WANT YOU TO FOCUS ON ME! ME ME ME! I NEEEED TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION!"

It's manipulation 101, using a child's method's. Which is fitting, since only people who never grew up use it. Want your boyfriend to stay home instead of going out with the boys? Cry. Don't like that he doesn't want to order the extra cable package? Cry. Want him to handle the nasty cashier instead of having to grow up and deal with it yourself? Cry.

People who cry drive me bat-shit. Don't get me wrong, I'm an emotional person, only I get angry. There are acceptable ways to be emotional however, like not inflicting your emotions on other people, in the most manipulative way possible.

Anathema....thank you! I'm one of those too. I can carry on and get shit done, but do have a strong emotional response and it frustrates the hell out of me. I've never found any literature on it or techniques for managing it. Also, very frustrating. Telling yourself not to cry is like telling yourself not to think about something.

My ex used to think I was trying to manipulate him, but I too was just really angry or frustrated and wanting to rip his head off -- not trying to play on his emotions.

I admire those who visibly seem to be able to let things slide. For example, I was volunteering at a free animal clinic a month ago and one dog didn't make it through a difficult spay. I was in the recovery area while they vainly tried to resuscitate. I kept up with my tasks, but as they called it I couldn't keep the tears from welling up...I wasn't the only one, but there were lots who could just skip right back to business -- although as volunteers providing a free clinic, I know they all care deeply.

I've cried at times when I damn well didn't want to be, so I don't see an adult crying as automatically manipulative or attention-seeking. Depends how they act-if they want to go off and have some alone time to get it under control, or can continue with what needs doing, then what business is it of yours if they cry?

Now, if they're popping on the water works and saying "you're so mean!" all the time, then yes. Totally depends on the situation, and it sounds as if she tends to the second scenario.

I've also popped right back to work after having my 22 year old cat put to sleep. It wasn't that I didn't care, but I was doing what was best for her and she wasn't hurting any more, and I'd had 22 good years with her and could do this for her. Different things affect people differently.

I tear up easily - doesn't mean I can't carry on, doesn't mean I'm manipulative. It seems to be a be a biological response. I'm actually amazed at the number of people who assume the tearing up easily is overtly trying to get your own way.

I'm actually amazed at the number of people who assume the tearing up easily is overtly trying to get your own way.

Really? It was only 3 commenters above who thought so ( Patrick, Sabrina & wtf ), but I'd put myself in their number. It's different when child cries. Yes, sometimes crying by children is manipulative, but oftentimes children just haven't developed adult-level coping mechanisms. A 4-year-old child at a restaurant sees someone at another table eating ice cream, so she asks for some. If Mom & Pop say no, crying is her way of dealing with that disappointment. But the same behavior that's understandable in a pre-schooler is obnoxious in anyone old enough to vote. And it smacks of manipulation.

However, if I understood Amy's answer to LW correctly, Amy suggests that a crying adult GF may be seeking more attention, but not manipulative per se.

@anathema @niki @antoniaB

Co-signed! Fellow crier, here. And it's so frustrating when you're angry/stressed out/overtired, and you know you shouldn't cry, that it's the least constructive thing you could do, and that people will see it as manipulative. And then your throat starts seizing up, your eyes start welling up and it just .... happens, and the harder you try to hold it back, the more you cry.

Sure, some people cry to seek attention, but it's generally pretty easy to tell the difference.

My Pirate Wench is on meds for her crying... she's diagnosed manic-depressive.

Yes to it being a biological reaction. Trying to hold back tears is like trying to hold back a sneeze... sometimes it can be done but not always.

The WORST is when it happens at work or someplace where you don't want people to notice. I try to go to the bathroom till I'm finished but my face, nose and eyes turn bright red so it's obvious. Hopefully I have sunglasses around.

If I come out with red eyes I pray people will be tactful and pretend not to notice.

Ironically, sometimes I would like to cry but can't, like at funerals.

Jesus Christ. News flash to Patrick, Sabrina, wtf, and L. Beau Macaroni: adults cry. If you can't stand it, go ahead and arrange your lives so that you're never around crying human beings above the age of--hmm, what would be acceptable for you? Is 18 the crybaby cutoff? 12?

Ugh. The idea that only children or weak, manipulative adults cry is so puritanical and lacking in compassion.

Kudos to Amy for such a compassionate and helpful response. And yes, I fucking cry easily. I sure don't like to cry in public, or about things I know aren't the end of the world, but whoever said it's physiological and that stopping yourself can be like telling yourself not to think of an elephant was right. I am glad that some are more stoic, but how hard it is to understand that not all people experience emotions the same way? No need to scoff.

DS

I said crying for NO REASON, or every little thing.

Speaking of emotional....

I never cry.

People who cry easily don't bother me in the least. People have different reactions. The fact that some people react with tears when I wouldn't is perfectly normal, because we're different people with different histories.

It's not hard to tell if crying is intended to be manipulative. If it is, I'll be pleasant but it's not getting them anywhere. If not, I'll gladly hand them a Kleenex, ignore them in a friendly way, or whatever will make it easier for them. Either way, I see no need to make a big deal of it.

I think Amy's suggestions are excellent.

Wtf: Nope. You dismissed crying as "an attention grab, unless it's over something serious like a death in the family." More words of yours: "People who cry drive me bat shit." Except, apparently, if they show their emotions in the more acceptable manner of getting angry, as you do.

We don't have to agree, and we can also be glad we're not friends. But you could at least own up to your own comment.

"We don't have to agree, and we can also be glad we're not friends. But you could at least own up to your own comment."

"UNLESS IT'S OVER SOMETHING SERIOUS LIKE A DEATH IN THE FAMILY."

At least try to read the comments dear.

I think you need to step back and breathe.

Wtf, I am reading the comments, I quoted you for heaven's sake. But there are LOTS of reasons someone might cry that aren't as serious as a death in the family. Having a bad day, getting humiliated at work, a cruel word from someone, a disagreement with a loved one. That's just what people who cry easily sometimes do, and it's not wrong or childish. There are ways to handle it from all sides.

I still find the attitude in your and a few others' comments to be dismissive, even contemptuous of people like this, which is why I take issue with it.

"Wtf, I am reading the comments, I quoted you for heaven's sake."

And out your own over-emotional spin on it.

"Having a bad day, getting humiliated at work, a cruel word from someone, a disagreement with a loved one."

If you cry over that, you're going to go through life crying at the drop of a hat.

"I still find the attitude in your and a few others' comments to be dismissive, even contemptuous of people like this, which is why I take issue with it."

Dismissive, yes. I tend to dismiss tempests in teacups. What else do you do with them? Contemptuous? No. You wanna go cry about it, go cry about it. Just don't do it around me, it drives me bat-shit. As I said.

You take issue with our comments because your over-emotional attitude towards life is coloring your view of them.

"And out your own over-emotional spin on it."

*putting*

You call me over-emotional for taking issue with the belief that it's childish to cry at anything less serious than death. That's your right. I think I just understand better than you do that emotions can work strongly in fully mature and competent adults and sometimes express themselves through tears, whether anyone finds them appropriate to the situation or not. Several commenters have experienced exactly what I'm talking about, others haven't but still get it. I love Momof4's take, I've been reading here for years and she always comes across as no nonsense and ballsy, but tears have gotten the better of her too.

Anyway, enough of this. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now, actually just go to bed. Gute Nacht.

If you cry over that, you're going to go through life crying at the drop of a hat.

Yes, and it SUCKS. But it's not an attention grab for a lot of people. I cry over the things DS listed, and it is embarrassing. If I could choose not to, I would. Actually, going on hormonal BC has helped me STOP crying as much (by flatlining my emotions), although it can still happen when I'm super frustrated.

Generally, when the waterworks start, I try to remove myself from the situation. Leave the room. Walk away. Or at least put on some sunglasses.

I don't know why I'm this way. My parents sure as heck didn't indulge crying and never cried themselves.

wow-what a bunch of douchebags a few of you commentors are, who assume they understand humans but don't.

I am a cryer. I cry over things that touch my heart and they can be ridiculously sappy, they can be serious or I can just be really tired.
I can sometimes turn it off by sort of distracting myself....but sometimes I can't.

Today I watched a video I saw on FB of a fireman bringing a limp kitten back to life and cried like hell.
I also watched a video on Upworthy about the science of happiness and also cried, watching the people cry tears of happiness.
I'm a mush. I can't retell my husband a story about something nice someone did for someone else without getting all teary.
In the morning, I cry even more easily than at other times.
Some people are emotional.
I would never in a million years use tears to try to get what I want. I am 52 freaking years old, not 6 and wanting a new barbie, thinking the world will end if i don't get it.

"Yes, and it SUCKS. But it's not an attention grab for a lot of people."

How?

Although, in your case I can see that it might not be an attention grab if you go off on your lonesome to do it, if it was really that embarrassing, you would learn to control it, would you not? Assuming it isn't over the death of a loved one, a lay off, or something equally serious, why do you feel the need? Thousands of people go through lives having bad days at work without resorting to waterworks.

"wow-what a bunch of douchebags a few of you commentors are, who assume they understand humans but don't."

So we're douchebags for stating our opinion, but you aren't a douchebag for resorting to name calling?

Over-emotional at it's best.

"In the morning, I cry even more easily than at other times."

This would be because your emotional barriers aren't up. Your walls need a few more bricks, especially in the morning.

if it was really that embarrassing, you would learn to control it, would you not? Assuming it isn't over the death of a loved one, a lay off, or something equally serious, why do you feel the need? Thousands of people go through lives having bad days at work without resorting to waterworks.

Well, I think we both just deal with stress in different ways, wtf. I wouldn't look at you, dry-eyed and stoic and assume you never feel intense emotions. Although I may feel a bit envious.

Since you're interested, I'll address your questions.

1)For the past few years I HAVE tried to learn to control it. "No more crying" has been my New Year's resolution for 2011, 2012 and 2013. I broke this year's in March, when I was moving apartments, tired, stressed and furious at my landlord. Oh, and then I cried during the movie "Brave." And then again when I started watching "Attack on Titan." And then again when we didn't have AC for five days during the hottest part of the TX summer. I cried at a wedding when the ushers brought in the grandmas (that always chokes me up). Of course, I also cried a LOT when two family members died and a relative was diagnosed with cancer.

2)Why do I feel the need? It's not so much a "need" as an involuntary response -- like a sneeze or a hiccup. With great effort, I can suppress 70 percent of the tears, but it's like suppressing a sneeze -- A sound is going to leak out, and I'll look ridiculously red faced. Sometimes, it's like vomiting, where I can hold it in for 30 seconds while I look for a bathroom. But once those 30 seconds are up, I'll be vomiting/crying, depending on the circumstances. Thing is, I know when something I'm crying over is stupid, and when it's "worthy" of tears. But my body responds the same way.

For the record, I can't cry on demand (my sister can, given 10 seconds to "think sad thoughts"). So it's not like I could use tears as manipulation, even if I wanted to. Also, I have a friend who is the toughest person I know (her life for the past 30 years has been a nightmare of abuse, death, and health problems). And she cries over the little, stuff, too. So it's not as if all criers are people who don't know what "real" problems are.

Two words: Emotional Vampire.

Sadly, I've known too many people like this (including myself in my younger days, I'm ashamed to say). Toss 'em back into their coffins and nail the lids shut.

You can't deal with EVs as if they're regular people. Treat them like the social cancer they are and excise them from your life if you can. You'd be doing them a favor, actually. Maybe they'll get the hint after enough people dump them and they get sick of always being alone.

I did.

When seen as a physiological response, I can somewhat understand. I get angry at the drop of a hat on some days.

However, I can't understand why you couldn't/ wouldn't channel that response into something more useful. Crying jags don't solve anything, and turn you into a soggy, swollen red mess with a reputation for not being able to handle life.

I probably could cry, if I wasn't able to turn my sadder impulses to anger, then into something useful. When I get angry, I clean my house. Or fix the fence, or jump on my bike. You get the drift. I can understand extreme grief leading to tears, but a cruel word? We teach our children not to cry because as we all know, bullies capitalize on weakness. It doesn't change because we hit the 30 mark.

To me, it all revolves around impulse control. Assuming that the person isn't using tears to their advantage. It's been my experience though, that the majority of criers, who don't go off on their lonesome, are looking for attention.

Assuming they aren't, again, impulse control. If they aren't using it to manipulate, then I think that with a little practice, they could wall off that part of themselves that demands tears. Too much sensitivity to life probably would result in the kind of hurt that demands tears. If you go through life being that sensitive, you ARE going to get hurt. Walls, walls, walls.

"Treat them like the social cancer they are"

Now that's a little extreme, don't you think?

@wtf Channeling that response into something more useful is a great idea and something I often do...while the tears keep coming. I get that you don't understand it because it doesn't happen to you. Why don't you just stop...for some of us is like asking, why don't you just stop your stomach from rumbling when you're hungry? I'm 45 years old and I'm not crying because things don't go my way. In fact my triggers are often injustices I perceive for others...I've dealt with plenty of my own really terrible shit pretty stoically. I've had a lot of years to work on the techniques you can find to distract yourself from the response with varying success but have never found anything to explain how or if there's a way to actually cognitively change the way those strong emotions are experienced.

"Why don't you just stop..."

Well for starters, having a discussion with someone other than yourself....

Those of us who find the "criers" to be obnoxious did not say that we find CRYING in and of itself to be obnoxious, only those who do use it as a tool of manipulation. Chill the fuck out, guys. You're taking it WAY to personally.

Crying is a genuine human reaction, like farting. Some people have genuine digestive issues and pass gas a lot. It's painful to hold that in. I get it. It's momentarily unpleasant but it happens. The difference is, most people usually excuse themselves immediatly or leave the room if they cannot hold it and carry on. They don't make a production out of it. To openly sob at the drop of a hat and then expect the rest of society to wait for you to get it together is just rude and frankly, emotionally immature. Having a bad day at work? Fine. Go find an empty conference room or bathroom stall and let it out and then get yourself back together. Someone died? My condolences. Let it pour. An emotional movie experiance. Let a tear fall during the credits. Overly stressful time in life? Okay. Call up a friend and let the tears flow for a healthy release. Having to put an animal down. Let 'em flow. Apocolypse coming? I wouldn't judge you if you shit yourself, repented, then cried your damn head off.

However...

Becoming a red-faced blubbering mess over every.single.thing is emotionally manipulative whether intended or not. People are hard wired to react negatively to crying, especially men. Their "fix it" instincts kick in. Sobbing uncontrollably for minutes on end until it becomes impossible to carry on over something "small" for the puposes of garnering attention is just rude. I've witnessed full on 20 minute crying jags from adults over broken nails, cancelled resturant reservations, and someone being "mean". And not because they were having a bad day that was the straw that broke the camels back, just because thier first initial reaction was to cry. I don't hang out with those people anymore.

See the difference?

I cry too every now and then. I'm not a robot. Learning to chanel my frustration into something productive has helped me learn to control them over the long term. And, I CAN cry on demand. I'm an actress. ;) But if I used that skill all the time, people would start to take me less seriously when I really was having a rough time.

Basically... It's fine to cry, just don't make a fucking production out of your sob fests all the time.

Becoming a red-faced blubbering mess over every.single.thing is emotionally manipulative whether intended or not.

Agreed.

Boy, does this bring back memories! My ex-wife was like that--cried at every little thing. And then once she started, she'd cry some more over how bad she looked and felt when she was crying.

It was partly my fault; living with me for too long will bring out the worst in any woman. But her depressive personality went back long before we met. When she was a kid, her grandfather's nickname for her was "the miserable little peach."

@ Rex....you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

Miserable little peach shoulda been your first clue....

"Treat them like the social cancer they are"

Now that's a little extreme, don't you think?

Let's see...cancer is an uncontrolled growth that diverts resources from healthy tissue to itself, resulting in weakening and possibly killing its host.

A manipulative person cannot help themselves but do everything in their power (cry, lie, play-the-victim, argue, act-out, wheedle, demand, etc.) to divert any attention from healthy social interaction toward themselves, weakening and possibly killing off its social connections.

And if you routinely cry over minor wrinkles -- like having a cold or plans going awry -- and expect any attention, you're manipulative, Sugarcube.

Speaking as someone who's had enough of these toxic people in my life (including myself), I think the term "social cancer" is wholly appropriate.

Just to be clear, I don't mean an otherwise balanced individual who needs a little cheering up or moral support now and then. Likewise, I don't mean somebody who gets damp-eyed at a wedding, or chokes up at a moving scene in a film, or weeps when they find themselves in an honestly sad situation.

We're talking about someone for whom crying (or other behavior that can be manipulative) is their go-to reaction to any and all of life's frustrations and disappointments ...especially if those frustrations and disappointments stem from not being the center of attention.

And yes, excising them from your life is (sadly) the best way to treat these folks. It saves your sanity...and it's their only hope of realizing that their behavior is maladaptive and needs to change. Giving them attention and support and compassion simply enables them.

I lost the friendship of my best friend from high school that way. Granted, I wasn't a cryer. Singing the "poor-me" song was more my style back then.

One day I said, "You know, whenever we get together, it's because I initiated the call. I'm going to wait until she calls me, for a change."

Thirty some-odd years have gone by. I've l-o-n-g since given up waiting.

Am I sorry she stopped calling? Absolutely, she was a pisser and I miss her badly. Do I blame her? Not for an instant! I deserved to lose her friendship. Blame? 100% mine.

But at least the cost of losing a friend bought and taught me the lesson that I should change what I can, accept what I can't, ask for assistance if it's needed, and generally just grow the f--- up.

[Gerry, wherever you are, thank you for delivering the smack in the head I so dearly needed. Lesson learned. I hope life has been treating you well and that you found yourself that nice fuzzy guy you were looking for back then.A]

"Giving them attention and support and compassion simply enables them."

True. I don't know that excising is the answer though. I've always believed friendship means accepting the bad along with the good, and if it means ignoring the crying jags from an otherwise fun to be with person who suits you, so be it.

You can refuse to enable the person by simply ignoring the behavior, and acting as if the crying is invisible, hanging up the phone and calling back in a couple hours, handing them a tissue and acting as you normally would, or simply telling the person straight up.

I don't think excising is a particularly kind, or useful thing to do to a person.

@ Rex....you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

Believe me, I'm not--I'm merely stating hard-won knowledge. I had to live with two more women, both completely different from the ex and each other, before I figured out what inevitably happens, and how and why it does. Should I be fortunate enough to outlive my wife, I won't make that mistake again.

Sabrina, I'm gonna have to sit on the mean girl bench with you, because I'm laughing my ass off at the idea of a grown woman crying over a broken nail or a canceled restaurant reservation (well, maybe if it was a reservation for a wedding rehearsal dinner or something like that.)

But imo, the whiners are even worse than the cryers. I don't like hearing children whine, but hearing adults do so makes me want to rip their throats out.

As for the lw's gf - I can understand someone crying over work frustrations, but she cries when she's sick? Really? What is she sick with, smallpox? Cancer? Cuz if she cries every time her tummy is upset or her nose runs, then I have to say, she's a fucking nutcase and you should just dump her crazy ass now, no matter how good the sex is. Normal people over the age of 10 don't cry over shit like that. They might cry when their feelings are hurt, but not over minor physical issues.

I was "the crying kid" in school. Seems my tear ducts are wired to frustration.

I can push out a ten pound baby or break a toe and not shed a drop. Get me frustrated and the tears will just start on their own.

Yes, I also cry when very sad - like at a funeral, but mostly it's frustration.

As a kid, I would try to stop the tears, but once one fell, I'd get frustrated at my inability to control it and... start a frustration/tears cycle!

So, not all crying is an attention grab (I would have loved people to leave me alone when this happened, but I always got WAY more attention than I cared for).

In the Air Force, supervisors were taught, when a woman starts crying on the job, to hand her tissues and wait her out. Don't say anything until she stops crying.