Well, he could also just befriend them and put them in a group without access to basically anything. Facebook makes that possible and I use it quite a lot.

Friend is another word that has been stripped of all meaning. It's like being a racist these days.

Ah, to be young again, when these sorts of things were the worst of my troubles...

And yet more Facebook etiquette problems. Seems to me her main problem is that she's worrying about this in the first place.

Or maybe it's that her friends are even mentioning it to her. "Your boyfriend won't friend me!"

Ye gods. I can see a different letter: Amy, my sister's boyfriend won't friend me. What is his deal? I told my sister how hurt I was, blah blah blah....

Ah, it's a brave new world.

Dear God, save me from FaceBook etiquette. Please LW, not everyone is on FaceBook for social purposes. I have to attend to several business sites. Otherwise I wouldn't have anything to do with it.

I especially dislike FB's constant monitoring. "Minos changed his profile picture. Minos scratched his ass. Minos called FaceBook a bad name..." Seriously FB, STFU.

I know FB is all cosy and friendly to you, LW. Most people there are chatty, and cheerful and want you to see pictures of their cats. But not everyone wants to play. For me, it's like one of those bad dreams where you're delivering the book report you didn't do naked in front of the whole class. I freakin' hate it.

Never mind all the social pressure surrounding "friending" and "un-friending" and "non-friending." I don't "friend." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. I don't want to organize the people I care about into some group for FB, I don't want to give FB any more information about me than I have to.

Some of us are there because of social pressure. Some are here for business purposes. Geez, LW, the guy doesn't want to read all your family news. How in the ever-lovin' blue-eyed world can this utterly reasonable desire be offensive to anyone? Cut him some slack, and tell your family to back off.

Her boyfriend may have reason to believe that some of the friends and relatives that she wants him to 'friend' are going to be trouble makers. My sister ran into that with her husband's family. They were constantly commenting on everything on her page and picking fights with her friends. Then they got mad when she restricted what they could see. They're fine to deal with in real life, but several of them don't have a good sense of boundaries.

I don't friend everydamnbody who asks, and I tell them, "I'm a horrible FB friend and I'm not on it often enough to make a difference. Besides, I'd rather see you in real life." If they don't like it too bad. Some people need to grow a little bit thicker skin, ya ask me.

Well, he could also just befriend them and put them in a group without access to basically anything. Facebook makes that possible and I use it quite a lot.

I was going to say the same thing. All my boyfriend's family members (and, heck, all my family members, too) are on limited profiles -- they basically get to see my vacation photos, and that's it. The rest of my friends are on my "totally uncensored" profile, which is what I post most updates, check-ins, interesting articles and anything resembling an opinion to.

If it's been a while since I've posted something to the "limited profile" people, I'll post a cute animal photo or something so they don't get suspicious.

I understand, though, if the LW doesn't want to go through all that.

Also, if LW's family's feelings are hurt, they're busy-bodies. It's pretty much known FB etiquette that, if someone doesn't accept your friend request, you let it be and never bring it up. In fact, if someone responded to my friend request with an explanation why they're not friending me back, I'd think that's weird.

Wow, I seem to have gotten it right. I'm pretty ignorant of all things Facebook, so I have a question or ten: Do people know, or get the idea, that they're on "limited profiles", and there's a lot more going on in your life than they are privy to? And if so, do they then give you shit about it?

Like, if you limit your mom, but not your sister, and your sister doesn't limit your mom--does that mean your mom has access to everything you told your sister? Is there a Facebook For Dummies book I could get?

My own mother is long dead, but these marvels of technology do fascinate me so.

@Pricklypear In my experience, It's very hard to tell if you are on a limited profile -- it just looks like someone doesn't post much, and a LOT of people on FB just don't post much.

Now, if you're friends with a lot of interconnected people who talk in real life, it can get hairy. For example, my sister might tell my mom at lunch, "Wow, did you see sofar's check-in at the crack den last weekend?" My sister would never SAY that to my mother, but it potentially could happen. I solved that problem by putting anyone related to me by blood (except my sister because she's cool) on a limited profile. So there's no chance a cousin is going to say at a family reunion, "Hey, everyone, did you see sofar's FB pictures of her new back tattoo???"

As for your question, if you limit your mom, but not your sis, that depends on where the posting happens. If you've blocked your mom from seeing anything that a friend posts to your wall, she won't see what your sister posts. If you haven't, she will. If you post on your sister's wall, well that depends on your sister's privacy settings. If she hasn't blocked mom from things her friends post, mom will see it. If it's something you want to keep private, you can always send your sis a private message. Now, if you post a lovely vacation photo to your limited profile so your mom can see your pics of the Grand Canyon, and your sister writes something embarrassing on the photo ("Hey, you look HIGH in that picture"), your mom will see it -- unless you delete that comment in time.

Thank you, sofar. I especially like that last sentence, since it reminds me of my misspent youth and a letter I sent to my sister. I told her I finally understood why people smoked pot, after I got high for the first time after several times when I felt nothing. (Hint: a bong worked much better than the few joints I'd shared.)

My sister called me and told me our mom was with her in the car when she got the mail, so she asked her to open it and read it to her. Hilarity ensued.

Some folks seem to love the instantaneous response you get with today's media. I'll take the time delay, myself.

On Facebook, I try to post only things that I don't mind if everyone sees because it seems like every so often they don't get the security just right.

I avoid all these problems by not being on Facebook at all. After reading this thread and the following one, I'm even happier with that decision.

"Well, he could also just befriend them and put them in a group without access to basically anything. Facebook makes that possible and I use it quite a lot."

"On Facebook, I try to post only things that I don't mind if everyone sees because it seems like every so often they don't get the security just right."

The way I do it is to treat my FB page like an extension of my real life. If you're listed as my friend, then you ARE my friend, or relative. (Or some celebrity or group I like to follow.

If you are my friend or relative, then chances are that you know me well enough to know what comes out of my mouth, or in this case feed, has a 50/50 shot of being offensive. Why? I think it's funny! I'm not trying to offend anyone, I like to laugh; I think the whole damned world has gone PC loco, and I am not about to jump on that train. If I offend you, so sorry, your mother shouldn't have raised a pussy.

So, LW, it all comes down to whether or not your BF considers your family close enough to friend on FB without getting their panties in a wad. Which they probably will, if he's worried about privacy.

I avoid all these problems by not being on Facebook at all. After reading this thread and the following one, I'm even happier with that decision.

You & me both.

You & me both. -- dee nile at October 31, 2013 8:54 AM

And I'll a third nomination to that resolution.

I have "professional" groups (Amy would be in that since we first corresponded over a review I did of her book), family, etc.

I also have a group of people who are basically allowed to know I haven't died.

In between are people I actually know. Many I wouldn't call friends in the historical use of the word, but folks I knew in high school, etc. Many of us have kids the same age now & can act as resources for each other. Also, it's kinda nice to know what people are up to on occasion (the folks who take pictures of every meal get permanently "hidden").

It is a PITA, but for me, worth it.