Social Notworking
My 40-something younger brother has been "friending" my hot female friends on Facebook, women I have befriended in real life whom he's never even met! I said nothing at first. Then, one of these women posted a photo of herself, and I commented on it in a flirtatious way. Up pops my brother, commenting on my comment in a way that killed her ability to respond to me and adding a personal message to me, "Hey, bro, call me when you're up." I was upset that he'd butted into my conversation with her, and I don't think her page is a place for him to leave messages to me. I asked him to remove his comment, and he was upset and insulted. Shouldn't etiquette standards apply online, too? If I'm having a face-to-face conversation with someone, it's considered rude to just walk up and butt in. And, isn't it a little creepy that my brother trolls my Facebook page and "friends" women he's never met?
--Invaded
Facebook brings a lot of people closer, like the hot women you've gone to the trouble of developing friendships with in real life and your brother, who's gone to the trouble of paying his electric bill and turning on his computer.
Hot women on the Internet -- those who don't take credit cards for their friendship -- can be pretty guarded. Luckily, your brother shares your last name, so instead of your hot friends seeing his friend request and thinking "Eek, who's this perv?" they probably think something like, "Oh, how adorable. Joe Blow has a little brother, Bo Blow." As unfair as it seems that your brother logged in to Facebook and sat there in his underwear helping himself to a salad bar of your female friends, you seem to have misunderstood something about the nature of Facebook conversations. "Facebook" is not the name of a romantic restaurant where you've booked a table for two. You're having these flirtatious exchanges at a "table" for, oh, 547 of a woman's closest friends -- along with any "friends" she might've made through those friends. This might explain why they call it "social networking" and not "social isolation."
No, your brother shouldn't turn some woman's Facebook page into the digital version of the write-on/wipe-off board your mom used to have by the kitchen phone. Because he got to this woman through you, this makes you look bad by association. So, you aren't wrong to want him to change his message-leaving behavior, and you can call dibs if there's one particular woman you're putting the moves on. But telling someone what to do, even when a demand is phrased as a request (to remove the comment, in this case), generally doesn't inspire him to say, "Right, I was a jerk. I'll change, pronto!" It makes him angry, hurt, and defensive. A more effective approach is telling him you feel bad about something he's doing, evoking his sympathy. That's probably your best bet for getting him to back off a bit from your Facebook harem, considering it's a little late to put your privacy settings on lockdown and way late to take the age-old approach to brotherly conflict resolution: "Maaaaa! Bo's stealing all my hotties -- just like he stole my firetruck 45 years ago!"
Umm, LW, if he friended them they accepted his requests. Perhaps you're upset with the wrong people. Or perhaps your hot female friends are just not that picky. Or prefer a younger man.
Etiquette plays a part in these things. I have a few coupled friends who publically use Facebook to leave each other messages. I find it icky, but hey, it's their thing. I'm careful about stupidly commenting on these (exposed)private conversations. But it doesn't sound like your brother is trampling all over conversations with your wife. Not at all the same.
I think you've got the wrong idea about fb messages anyway. Yes, your "flirtatious way" response was seen by her. And her friends. And her family. Your brother's interruption is the least of your worries.
"You're having these flirtatious exchanges at a "table" for, oh, 547 of a woman's closest friends"
Love this!
Ltw at October 29, 2013 11:23 PM
Or perhaps they assumed that since he's the guy's younger brother, and they're cut from the same cloth, so he was safe to friend.
Another solution: unfriend your brother.
Patrick at October 30, 2013 4:00 AM
Another solution -- if you want to have a private conversation on Facebook, have a private conversation on Facebook. You can do that.
The thing is, if LW's hot friend uploaded a photo of herself, and allowed the photo be be viewed by all her friends, then LW can't reasonably expect to control the comment thread. It's like talking to a pretty girl at a party: Even if you saw her first, even if you've known her for years, you can't control whom she talks to or what is said (well, if you had a lot of charisma, maybe you could). I don't think he has that much to complain about.
Here's another thing. Did the LW ask these hot friends to friend his brother on Facebook? I'm assuming they've done this voluntarily. If they find him sufficiently charmless, they'll cut him off somehow. If, horror of horrors, they like having him around, then LW's outta luck again.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at October 30, 2013 7:21 AM
Watching all this Facebook stuff at a distance is very interesting. I figure eventually some real form of online etiquette will evolve. It's certainly needed. It looks like right now everyone is flailing about, overwhelmed by all the possibilities. It's intriguing to read about all the new problems.
Hahahahahah! Whee! (wipes eyes) Just kidding. There are no new problems. People have just forgotten common courtesy and now they have to start all over again.
Soldier on, Amy!
Pricklypear at October 30, 2013 7:54 AM
Two possibilities:
1. Your brother is a bit *off* and lacks social skills. Nothing he's done is rude per se, but it smacks of a social clumsiness that probably also bleeds into his offline life.
2. Your brother is new to FB and confused about it. When my mom first joined FB she did stuff like this, too. That's because, particularly with the most recent redesign, it can be hard to tell on whose wall a post originated. So, depending on this chick's privacy settings, it could look, to your brother, like the convo is happening on YOUR wall. I joined FB in 2004, and even I slipped up recently. A friend of a friend posted an article, but FB made it look, in my feed, as if my friend had posted it. So I commented on the feed without going to the original post. And only after that did I realize that I had just commented on a complete stranger's wall.
sofar at October 30, 2013 9:26 AM
I can't believe people get upset over stuff like this.
Katie at October 30, 2013 3:09 PM
I can't believe LW thinks he can use FB to form exclusive real life relationships with hot chicks on FB. That is truly the triumph of hope over reason.
Sheep mommy at October 30, 2013 4:37 PM
It appears that we now have something worse than being stuck in the Friend Zone: Being stuck in the Facebook Friend Zone. Is the LW going out, meeting women and just asking to be their friend on Facebook instead of asking for a date? Is he really just reduced to making comments on their photos in hopes of scoring? A least in the Friend Zone, you get to spend some actual time with the object of your desire.
I would worry less about comments the brother makes and concentrate more on sealing the deal in person.
Fayd at October 31, 2013 7:37 AM
It appears that we now have something worse than being stuck in the Friend Zone: Being stuck in the Facebook Friend Zone. Is the LW going out, meeting women and just asking to be their friend on Facebook instead of asking for a date? Is he really just reduced to making comments on their photos in hopes of scoring? A least in the Friend Zone, you get to spend some actual time with the object of your desire.
I would worry less about comments the brother makes and concentrate more on sealing the deal in person.
Fayd at October 31, 2013 7:45 AM
Now I KNOW how some people wind up with double-posts.
Fayd at October 31, 2013 7:47 AM
Fayd, your comment was very insightful, and worth repeating.
Isab at October 31, 2013 3:09 PM
Totally agree Isab.
Ltw at November 1, 2013 5:39 AM
"A least in the Friend Zone, you get to spend some actual time with the object of your desire."
*Sad laugh*, been there. And yes, that is the compensation. Even if it ends in tears. Over Facebook? No.
Ltw at November 1, 2013 5:50 AM
Not an expert on Facebook, but I believe there are settings he can set that would limit how much piggybacking his brother can do.
Joe j at November 5, 2013 10:27 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2013/10/social-notworki.html#comment-4033983">comment from Joe jUm, the fillies are out of the barn. Not a solution.
Amy Alkon
at November 5, 2013 12:20 PM
That was terrible of him!
Sue at December 31, 2013 10:35 AM
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