Excellent advice, Amy. He would have saved himself a lot of frustration if he had asked her out for a date much sooner.

Men are not "the givers," as if outside plumbing was a prerequisite for the ability to give. However, this man needs to stop behaving like a chump. He isn't "giving"; he's bribing.

LW, you sound like a stereotypical nice guy, going out of your way for women and then resenting them when they don't respond positively to you.

Women are more responsive to alpha male types who don't bend at every stiff wind and throw themselves at every woman's feet.

Next time you see an attractive woman at a small coffee table loaded with books, instead of offering your larger table, ask yourself, what makes HER so special that she deserves your table. Then, after stopping yourself from making such a submissive offering, talk to her and ask her out.

By the way, "meek", in the biblical sense, means something much stronger than just sitting there and taking whatever crap comes your way in the hopes of keeping the peace. "Meek" is more of a morally upright, alpha type of thing. Not pugilistic, but not a doormat, either.

Excellent response to this inane letter. So if a girl you're attracted to offers to let you into traffic, you're response should be, "no thanks, I don't want to sleep with you."?

I was once on a crowded subway and offered a woman my seat. I wasn't hitting on her, I was just raised properly. She looked me up and down in a very judgmental way and said, "no thanks, I'll stand". What the fuck was that? The kicker was that she was really, really hideous. She had been waiting all her life to "reject" a man and she felt that she finally had her opportunity. That was rude as hell and idiots like this letter writer want that to be the way the world works.

Guess what, letter writer, all interactions between men and women don't necessarily have a sexual subtext. Sometimes people are just being considerate. That's what this young woman figured you were being -- considerate. She never dreamed that you were trying to ply her with favors until she sucks your dick.

By the way, you say that she made no effort to make conversation with you. What conversation did you try to have with her?

Wow. Did he give you any other examples or is he basing his entire philosophy on one girl?

"Yeah, she'll see me there and expect me to give her my big table."

That sentence just makes me laugh.

Change your attitude, dude, or no one will ever milk your telephone pole.

Excellent point, whistle. I'm guessing LW thought it was "her turn" to make an overture, considering he offered her his big table (nudge, nudge). Actually, now that I typed that aside, I'm realizing the LW is pretty much like that guy in the sketch. He finds sexual overtones in every innocent word and gesture, yet is totally clueless when it comes to the real thing. Eric Idle, thou art a prophet for our times.

A woman needs to tell a man right away if she's not interested and not let him sit there like an idiot, planning to make her life easier.

As someone who does struggle with differentiating general politeness and rather inept romantic overtures, I always err on the side of "he's not hitting on me" unless it's clearly obvious. If I'm interested, I'll try to get him to make it more obvious by actually engaging in conversation. If a guy does what you did, LW, I thank him politely and go about my business. That's all the reciprocation that move requires. You're clearly expecting her to decode your offer of your big table as "but what I'd really like to do on this table is..." and respond with "Of course I'd like to go out with you!"

Weirdly, I'm most offended by his saying that "she blushed as girls do," as if she's manipulating her capillary action in order to mess with him, as girls do.

Pricklypear:

Best.
Comment.
On.
Amy's.
Security.
Question.
Ever.

I am interested in this woman who comes in and often unplug my computer and offer to let her use the outlet. Is that some kind of romantic overture these days? I am so behind the times!

What LW doesn't realize is that being a nice guy means doing good and helpful things without the expectation of payback. Here's a question he might want to ponder: If the gal had been really unattractive, but similarly burdened, would he have let her take over his big table?

Now, that's a story to tell their grandkids. "It was a crowded coffee shop. I needed an outlet. He gave up his for me."

A classic damsel in distress story if there ever was one.

Of course, if she had turned down the table, LW would have called her a stuck-up bitch.

Thank you, Patrick.

When I was single and bar hopping I had a hard and fast rule a guy that I noticed had noticed me had to make a move within 5-10 minutes and express interest if not then he wasnt for me. My thought process was a guy who is genuinely interested LETS YOU KNOW! He doesnt mull it over till 1 or 2 am if he does he's a pussy and this is how he often deal with situations where there is risk not attractive. Or the other possibility he was waiting for someone prettier, smarter, better suited and when no one better came along by a certain point he settled. Also not interested. So if you like her let her know don't be so risk adverse its not attractive.

I'll play devils advocate a bit on this one by tossing out, he was flirting with her. She was being oblivious to it or rejecting it.
The same as when women flirt with a guy. Use body language, smile etc. at their intended. People here would bash the guy for being oblivious when being flirted with.
So the next time a girl smiles at me I should say, "Nope not going to sleep with you, or my place you bring the whipped cream."

Does this guy even know to which Columnist/Goddess he was writing? Did he really expect Amy to empathize and tell him what a great catch he is and that this woman was obviously a greedy bitch who didn't see the gem right before her eyes? Or better yet, agree that all women are takers who should realize that we owe sex (or at least a date) to any man who's nice to us?

A pithy way I've heard this put: "Women are human beings. They are not machines into which you insert Kindness Coins until sex, dates, or marriage fall out."

Also, a little old lady offered to switch tables with me and my sister the last time we were at McDonalds so that we could have more space for our laptops. Was she hitting on me or my (underage) sister?

Great advice Amy, this guy needs to work on his self esteem.

Just had to tell you I bought your book I See Rude People. It was so refreshing and made me laugh so much. It was great that you are a red-haired avenging angel going where no woman has gone before! To phone telemarketers at home and see how it makes THEM feel. Great idea.

Also I am a portrait artist so just loved the way you stuck up for that starving artist and promoted his work. Come over and say hi any time on my blog. Keep up the good work. Emma

Big table, small dick.

Just sayin'.

"She blushed. as girls do" struck me as really weird too. I don't know that I've ever blushed when someone hit on me ineptly, unless it was one of the "flush of rage" kind of things at having my ass grabbed by a stranger or something like that.

I blush when I say something stupid or realize I've made a horrible mistake. Does that make me unwomanly? I'm so very, very concerned about this!

Amy's answer is spot on. LW would probably have more success getting to know coffehouse women if he were a bit more direct. Like the man said in Glen Gary, Glen Ross, "A-B-C... Always Be Closing." Ask her for the digits.

Also, what Astra said.

Jenny Had A Chance: A pithy way I've heard this put: "Women are human beings. They are not machines into which you insert Kindness Coins until sex, dates, or marriage fall out."

I like it! I'm going to have to remember this one.

I dunno, the things he did are things one might do for a little old lady. They are just considerate things to do, not necessarily flirting.

But if you don't want to give her a table, then next time, don't. Problem solved.

Be polite about it, though. Don't angrily tell her you won't let her have your power outlet. Just say with a smile, "I'm sorry, I really do need to charge my computer. I'll be out of here in (whatever period of time you'll be out of there) feel free to use it then"

NicoleK--I think there won't be a need for him to keep the table or power outlet to himself next time. Once she realized he was hitting on her and she turned him down, she has to know that all of his "polite" offers are going to stop.

By this guy's standard, I was hitting on a stressed-out mom of 3 kids, one of which was obviously ill, when I let her skip ahead of me in the checkout at the store/pharmacy.

Even I - a very socially inept person - would have thought something was up at the free coffee, but I also would have gotten that her lack of attention afterwords was an "I'm not interested."

Also, if giving up a choice seat someplace was considered hitting on somebody, then one could consider all the rules about giving up seats for pregnant ladies and the elderly to be really weird social constructs.

The internet is awash with pickup artist/dating guru programs, many free, that are trying to help Nice Guys just like LW. Instead, they get bashed for being all sorts of fakes and whatnot. Sheesh.

Excellent observation by Amy. It's his low self-esteem talking, driving this behavior. "She wouldhn't like me for who I am, so I have to be this amazing giving guy and/or try to get some obligatory attention from her."
One other issue with the enternally-single nice guys, they don't seem to handle the word "no" very well. So they avoid it like the plague. It's that nice-guy sense of entitlement. It's why he dances around the issue for so long, and why he gets so bent out of shape when he gets rejected. He's a two-year old in an adult body, that hasn't yet come to grips with the fact that he can't have whatever he wants, WHEN he wants it.

He isn't a "nice guy." He's a guy trying to exchange trivial favors for sexual attention.

Etiquette 101--If someone offers you their table, you are required to say thank you. Nothing more. However, if someone offers to buy you a cup of coffee, and you accept their offer, you are required to engage in light conversation. A few sentences at the very least. Accepting the coffee but ignoring the person is rude. Am I the only one who was brought up with basic manners?

Yes, Amy Alkon. Exactly. (And the "Do you have condoms?" response is very funny!)

Don't be hard on the guy -- he us just a man confused by modern social mores.

Whatever he would have done, females of this age will find a way to shame him.

Rules for girls:

1. Yes he wants to have sex with you
2. If you are even remotely presentable, we are never 'just being nice'
3. Yes I said it, we're 'always' hitting on you, some guys just really suck at it.
4. If a man does something nice in a similar situation to the one the LW describes, it is an invitation to talk...and he wants to have sex with you.
5. Don't be a bitch about rules 1-4.

I hate to say it, but while the LW IS at fault for not being more direct previously...look there is something that women need to address more clearly as well. You shouldn't just accept, accept, accept, everything that men around you offer all the damn time. Those acts are, however shyly, attempts at men at beginning a rapport with you. As unsympathetic as I am, even "I" must admit, collectively speaking, the fairer sex seems entirely to happy to keep taking advantage of the 'nice guys'.

I find that many people mistake politeness for flirting.

"I find that many people mistake politeness for flirting."

That strongly suggests that they aren't polite when they aren't flirting, which is a very bad sign.

Amy, completely agree with your post above. Even though the guy--who is not at all nice--is beyond clueless and wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend if she dropped from the sky, the coffee shop girl should not have accepted the coffee. The other offers, sure, though she may have found his deference, verging on self-abasement, a little weird and not known how to say no. But if a guy brings you, a stranger, coffee, he clearly is interested, and you should *not* accept it unless you're interested in return. Frankly, if a dude started acting the way this one did at my coffeeshop, I'd have to switch locales.

Has anybody suggested that perhaps the chick already has a boyfriend, and is in no way obligated to pick up what LW is throwing down? Maybe she's one of those girls that doesn't feel the need to further interact with a stranger longer than to thank him for his kindness.