Wait Problems
A friend of a year has a pattern of raving about people she meets and then completely cooling on them. Last week, she met a man online. On their first date, he took her shopping, buying her a gold ring and a key ring he had engraved with both their names and "Thinking of you always." She describes him as perfect, brilliant, etc., and said she loves him and would marry him. I said things like "Take some time to get to know him," but I don't think she really heard me.
--Concerned
A first date like theirs raises some questions for the second date, such as, "Who should pay the invoice for the side-by-side burial plots?" Be prepared to wear out your face trying to talk sense into your friend. The problem is "confirmation bias" -- our tendency to seek information that supports what we already believe and toss information that does not. In other words, your time would be better spent painting a wall and speaking meaningful thoughts to the paint as it dries. Another productive use of your time would be adding up how much of it you're spending worrying about this woman's problems. It isn't mercenary or ugly to expect a friendship to be mutual and to influence you in positive ways. If how she lives is dragging you down, you may want to give her a little less prominence in your life. Then, when you do see her, you can just admire her ring and share in her happiness at reaching that milestone golden anniversary -- celebrating 50 joyous minutes of knowing a man.
Her friend sounds like a gold-digger. But as you say, that's not the LW's problem.
Patrick at November 19, 2013 6:33 PM
And the guy sounds like a potential stalker. That just seems like a bit much for a first date.
Pricklypear at November 19, 2013 9:49 PM
Prickly, very true. It is too much for a first date. And yeah, it does sound stalkerish. Or it could be that he's quite the man of means and pegs her as a gold-digger.
In any case, the LW's misgivings are quite understandable; regardless of the reasons, this is not a promising first date with him buying expensive gifts and her declaring her undying love. And while it may just kill us to see our friends go on a downward spiral, we have to resign ourselves to the fact that we can't stop it. Only help them pick up the pieces.
Patrick at November 20, 2013 5:39 AM
I have a friend who does this constantly. She meets a guy, decides he's the most wonderful thing in the world after a date or two (He's her boyfriend! She's in love!), then after a few weeks he's too annoying to be around, a complete dipshit, a stalker, or (Oops!) married. Recently some guy was writing her love songs and letters after the second date...and that wasn't a red flag to her. (These are people in their late 30's-early 40's, not teenagers.)
No need to stress yourself out over someone else's problems. You can't change people.
ahw at November 20, 2013 7:42 AM
It's a known fact that women decide withing five minutes (or seconds!) if a man is just *right* for them.
jefe at November 22, 2013 4:53 PM
Yes and no... Whether he is a contender, yes...whether we would marry him, no
Nicolek at November 23, 2013 11:12 PM
Leave a comment