The dude's 90, he's not going to change, just humor him as much as possible. He's going to die soon, problem solved.

And make sure you show up for the funeral.

Oh God yes, ALWAYS show for the funeral. People aren't rational about their relationships with their parents, and grief makes people crazy.

Cut the grieving as much slack as you can. Always.

If dad is 90, these two have got to be old enough to have learned to navigate these waters by now.

Her partner gave her the "nice outfit" when they reached the facility and she was effectively trapped. Oooh, I can see the shark fins poking out of the water.

Don't worry about the old fart. He's only one of your problems.

I actually know a lesbian in a similar situation.

She was the "star" of the family. First to go to college, very pretty, popular, star player, full scholarship etc.

Anyways it turned out this perfect angel is a lesbian. My reaction was meh, none of the other attributes particularly impressed me and neither would this one. But suddenly the star fell and the fact that she was gay had her whole family turn against her.

I told her to fake being straight until college was over and she had a stable job and the lesson learned is how fickle a family s admiration can be.

>>Here's an ornery guy who's probably spent much of the past 90 years convinced that women belong in the kitchen wearing ruffled aprons, baking pies, and practicing saying, "Yes, dear."

He is not ornery, just normal.
That ideal is definitely inspirational in today's "civilized" world.

BTW, LW, be ready: when the guy dies, his daughter's views on men, marriage, etc. might change radically.

Seriously, LW? You're meeting the GF's 90 year old father for the first time, and you couldn't think to wear something nice - all by yourself?

To get respect, you've got to show respect.

You failed.

Of course you dress nice. And refrain from necking in front of him. You don't really have to do the "we're queer, we're here" in front of a 90 year old man. I'm sure you can wait a few hours. It may offend you, but what's more important?

I took my ex to see her dying grandmother a few times several years ago. She has her problems with her family (basically, I had to be there or she couldn't go, we stayed in a hotel, etc). But we'd been, from her grandmother's point of view, living in sin for years, which would have horrified her. Grandmother never knew - I was just the friend helping her granddaughter. There was no reason for me to make an issue of it.

And yes, I escorted my ex to the funeral.

"Should I remind my girlfriend that she no longer chases her father's approval? Tell her I certainly will not?"

You could just shut up and let your girlfriend and her father have their catch-up without your issues intruding, of course. Who gives a shit if he ignored you? What you want is pretty irrelevant. She won't have long with him. Be supportive, don't let her beat herself up over it, but it doesn't sound like that. It sounds like you're pissed off she won't ditch him for you. Tough.

Suck it up butter-cup.

The dude's got less than ten years left. Your issues with this are so far from relevant they can't see the light from relevant.

And dress nice for the funeral.

It's funny that she's offended that he didn't complement her outfit. She's probably have been offended if did.

My mother is 88 and one of her better friends, is a gay guy. They play duplicate bridge together at a club in town, and have served together on the boards of some charitable organizations. She goes to the Christmas party he and his parter give every year. This is a real effort for her, especially if the weather is bad.

So, while my mother frowns on gay relationships, she has no problem compartmentalizing her beliefs. She doesn't like cats either but is nice to mine, when he attempts to sit in her lap.
All it takes is manners. She is a nice person, and she was raised well.

"All it takes is manners. She is a nice person, and she was raised well."

Beautiful. Really.

I know he's a fictional character, but Dumbledore was nice to the people who came to kill him. Class will out - for real.

1. my first reaction was like many others': the dude isn't going to be with us much longer; suck it up.

2. jesus, Mere Mortal - way to make Patrick look almost rational. *almost*

Pete nailed it.

Letter writer - One way to show care and respect is to meet people where they are. You could have covered this by asking your girlfriend in advance what would be appropriate attire. This would have shown consideration for girlfriend and framed the visit as something letter writer did as a supportive partner. When you tell her she shouldn't want her father's approval, and protest by declining to do the adult due diligence of showing up properly attired, you run the risk of looking like a saboteur and a graceless winner.

Don't grind an axe against a ninety year old man. Win or lose, you look bad. If you must, kill him with kindness - just dress to the nines and ask him for his daughter's hand in marriage.

Anyways it turned out this perfect angel is a lesbian. My reaction was meh, none of the other attributes particularly impressed me and neither would this one. But suddenly the star fell and the fact that she was gay had her whole family turn against her.

That stinks on ice. If I had a child and he came to me and told me he was gay, I would ask him, "What did you expect? Did you expect me to stop loving you? Stop supporting you? Stop admiring your accomplishments? That's not going to happen here."

And then the rest of the family could hate the both of us, I guess.

Whatever a parent's view on homosexuality is, he should never stop loving his children.

Re: Rachel Flax
>>2. jesus, Mere Mortal - way to make Patrick look almost rational. *almost*

It is almost tragic to be so certain of one's own rationality.