Except for the couple's ages, this could have been written by my mother. My father treated mom and us kids the same way LW's husband treats her: he acted like it was a major inconvenience to do anything for us.

This guy sounds like a narcissist. I wouldn't wait for him to outgrow it.

She's still young! What a good time to get divorced.

Yup, experience is the worst teacher-- she gives the test first and the lesson after.

Except for the couple's ages, this could have been written by my mother.

Yeah, if not for the ages, I'd be thinking, "Wow looks like my friend's narcissistic, abusive ex-husband managed to find himself a second wife."

It's not just that he can't change. It's that he doesn't want to. LW, when you leave him, he'll probably go on his best behavior for a couple weeks and put in more effort than he has in the entire marriage to win you back. Expect that, and don't fall for it. Oh, and print out Amy's advice (and jefe's quote above) and carry it in your purse!

don't make a mistake here. people like this never ACTUALLY change. befor you go on for, years and get any children involved, MOA. And remember, you got PRECISELY what you saw, and you accepted it anyway. The lesson there is to know that people MIGHT change, but they don't have to change. Certainly you can't expect them to.

Don't leave yourself hostage to the idea that you'll only marry once. can't correct a mistake unless you correct it.

I dunno, it sounds to me like the fellow didn't want to get married in the first place. Maybe he thought that, at 24, he was supposed to. Maybe the LW thought she was supposed to as well.

My guess is, since they've only been at it a year, splitting up might be the way to go. The longer LW waits, the harder it gets. Adding children into the picture makes it even harder. The good news is that LW is still quite young. She just needs to remember that finding and marrying the right guy can take some time, but she has plenty of time available to do it if she wants to.

This guy sounds ridiculous, but my bet is that they're both ridiculous.

To me the most telling line is this.
"He behaved similarly when we were dating, but when he proposed, he made promises to treat me better, and I believed him."

So despite a years worth of evidence to the contrary, the belief that a wedding ring is magic to turn someone into someone else.

It also sounds like they had no common interests. My guess a dozen people advised her to not get married, but she had her eyes shut and put blinders on.

"I told myself I'd only get married once."

Yeah, so did I. And I didn't get married until I was twenty-eight. It lasted about two years.

It's okay. We make mistakes. With any luck, we learn from them. Just remember that most people are showing their BEST behavior when they're in courting mode. Things are not likely to go uphill from there.

Women get married hoping he will change. Men get married hoping she won't.

Both are often disappointed.

What Steamer said, eh? LW, it's not too late, you need to get while the gettin's good. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, do NOT listen to his bs. It won't change and neither will he. I wish you well in your next relationship. Just don't be too hasty.

LW: Get out now. While you still have your sanity. Your husband is a Cluster B (Google it), and Cluster B's never get better; they only get worse. Call the divorce attorney today. Seriously.

"I'm trying to because I told myself I'd only get married once."

Forget that. You made a mistake. Why punish yourself for the rest of your life for one mistake? Do this one thing, though: After you are free of him, think long and hard about why you are attracted to guys like that. Get some help for it if necessary.

Listen to Cousin Dave and all the posters here.

You are young, as in you have at least 50 more years to live. Why waste any more of that time unhappy with this guy?

You have seen him married and unmarried and neither is what you hoped for, want or need.

As a person who grew up with a narcissistic parent and is still struggling to recover at 47, do not inflict this man as a parent on your possible future children. How would you feel watching him behave towards your kids as he has to you? Just, NO!

Like many I said the same thing as you, "I'll only marry once and I will do it right." But sometimes we make bad choices. He was a bad choice.

You are clearly not happy. There is no one reason for you to continue being not happy.

No matter how much he changes once you begin to separate, hold your new found ground.

Remember that even if he hasn't been violent, the result of your ending the relationship may be him acting out HORRIBLY.

Start making a plan today. Get friends on your side who you can stay with if needed, have money set aside to move on with your own life. Call a lawyer as soon as possible.

You made a mistake, we all do. But don't make another one staying in an unhappy marriage, it won't help anyone. You are worthy of love and happiness. Get out there and take charge of the next part of the rest of your life. You are wiser and stronger than you were when you married and you are wise enough and strong enough to change.

We are all rooting for you. People you have never met are in your corner and want good things for you.

PLEASE, run, not walk to a divorce lawyer. You have a carbon copy of my ex and I did everything in my power to make him happy until it nearly killed me. I wasted 13 years of my life with him, the only good thing to come out of it is my 9 year old daughter. I should have left him that first year, but I kept "tryinging". You are not a failure to admit defeat, you are strong enough to know what is right for YOU.

He sounds just like my sister's ex. Absolutely selfish. He's on his 4th marriage now. His idea of contributing to their daughter's wedding was to pay for his own tux rental and bring a 12-pack of beer to the reception.

I told myself I'd only get married once, too. Guess what? He dropped dead of an aortic aneurysm at age 48, after 23 years of marriage. I'm not looking for sympathy, but I am looking to get married again someday under the right circumstances (not perfection, but more than a pulse and a working penis).

My point is, SHIT HAPPENS. Whether it's death, the marriage was a mistake, aliens, rabid goats, whatever. Nothing is set in stone in this life.

"For future reference, anybody can say he'll be different. Only after he consistently shows he's different over time does it makes sense to believe him." I really like this advice. The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior.

It does remind me a bit about the joke "How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?" "Only 1, but the light bulb *really* has to want to change."

"wung"

I'm gonna be using that, thanks Amy!

Ditto to what everybody else said. Plus this: LW, don't let your own ego keep both of you miserable. It's time to call it a day, just accept it and move on.

I told myself I'd only get married once.

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but you can divorce the jerk and still keep this promise to yourself.

Sometimes I think someone will write to Amy:

"My husband gave me AIDS, he beats the shit out of me, and he told me hates me. He said 20 years ago he would change but he hasn't. Every time I bring it up he said we need counseling. Should I leave him?"

LW, please, for the sake of all that's holy, get out now before you add children to the mix.

My mother was just like your husband, and when she wasn't making my dad miserable, she was abusing me, or my little brother and sister. I spent most of my time getting in between her and the littles because I was 6 years older than them and could take more punishment, but even now, after 30+ years and her dead and buried, I still have nightmares.

Look at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself what you would do if you saw him treat your child the way he treats you. If the answer is "Get up and leave." Then do it, NOW, before he has a chance to traumatize another, more vulnerable person in your life.

I've got to wonder what he gets out of this marriage. Not sex, from what she said. It sounds like he spends most of his time either doing things with her that he doesn't enjoy, or promising to do them to shut her up, then weaseling out.

I'd say both of them would benefit from a divorce. And for whichever one makes the most money, and therefore will be paying spousal support, the sooner the better. That bill only gets bigger the longer you sit at the table without saying "Check, please."

Take this medicine, too: many tragedies in marriage are started by unreal expectations. She thinks she can change him, but he never changes; he hopes she'll never change, but she does...

Spot on, Amy. Yeah, it was stupid of her to marry this selfish loser. But thankfully, this mistake can be shed and she should be grateful that she has a way before she started having kids.

And yes, this guy exhibits some narcissistic traits. He'd probably argue that milk comes from telephone poles, just because he said so!

Hmm. She needs a divorce and some escape funds. He He has two fuctional kidneys.

Sounds like she needs a motel room with a bathtub, an unscrupulous surgeon, and a LOT of ice.....

LW sounds like she's looking for emotional permission to break her "one marriage" promise to self. She sure got it.

I once did exactly what Kat suggests - took a good look at myself and projected out ten years, and what would my daughter think of me if I stayed? If I left? Then I started making my escape plan. It was surprising how easy it was - emotionally as well as all other ways. I never looked back. LW, you have an advantage if you have no children. You'll never have to deal with the idiot again!

If getting married only once is so dang important (yeah, I tell myself that, too) then ask a lawyer if there are grounds for an annulment here. You could find yourself unmarried. Just a thought.