Don Emoticon
Last month, I hit it off with a girl on an online dating site. The problem is, my written banter is much better than what I can achieve on a first date. I do poorly when just staring across a table at somebody. I'm worried she'll be disappointed when she sees how bad I am at being witty on the spot, so I've been reluctant to ask her out.
--Stalling
Maybe as a preliminary step, you could make plans to go to the same Starbucks but hide behind your laptops and email each other. We need to start calling online dating sites "online meeting sites" so people will stop thinking they can get to know somebody while spending a month sitting miles away and staring deep into their computer screen. They typically end up filling in the blanks with who they want the person to be and believe they're getting attached to them when maybe what they're most attached to is how witty they feel while leaning on a thesaurus the size of Rhode Island.
Sure, it's tough sitting across a table from a near stranger with "SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!" ringing in your head. So don't sit on the first date. Do something. Go somewhere you can pluck subjects of conversation out of the atmosphere: a street fair, a flea market. Play pool; go bowling. And lighten up on feeling that you need to be funny. You'll ultimately be funnier and more likely to get a second date if you approach the first date as if your goal is getting to know a woman instead of getting her to book you for your own Comedy Central special.
Good advice, Amy. Especially the part where you suggested that the first date be a shared activity.
Patrick at May 6, 2014 6:17 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2014/05/don-emoticon.html#comment-4592142">comment from PatrickThank you, Patrick!
Amy Alkon
at May 6, 2014 8:04 PM
I have a female friend who comes off chatty, and well in e-mails but terrible when she finally meets people.
And then when she goes on dates she always blames the guy for not being communicative/chatty/talkative enough! She doesn't realize she acts like a stone block.
Even I find her a bit dull in person and I hate her constant complaint that she wants outgoing guys and talkative female friends.
She has really bad social skills but because she is a girl she doesn't realize it.
I have seen her dating profile and all the personality qualities she lists about herself do not translate into reality and despite being quite perceptive about others doesn't realize it about herself.
I always think after texting i should like her in person but I just don't.
Ppen at May 6, 2014 9:56 PM
One thing he can do that may seem a little counterintuitive is, after you get through the basics of, just to acknowledge you're nervous because you think you're a better writer than talker.
I don't mean to present it negatively like "I suck at conversation person." More like this is something I know about myself and you should know it too.
I bet you'll be surprised how the conversation suddenly gets more interesting.
D at May 7, 2014 10:35 PM
They typically end up filling in the blanks with who they want the person to be and believe they're getting attached to them when maybe what they're most attached to is how...they feel....
This is so on point, Amy. I can totally relate, as this happened to me. After going through a break up having met someone online, I so needed to read these words and take them to heart. Thank you in a big way!
prawntohe at May 8, 2014 7:23 AM
I've always wondered why people have text conversations with each other in real time when they could just talk on their phones. I guess this is the reason.
Rex Little at May 9, 2014 10:10 PM
Leave a comment