I'm a single woman who's just started online dating after ending a five-year relationship. I'm wondering when to mention that I only want casual dating/friends with benefits -- nothing serious. I don't want guys thinking I'm seeking one-night stands (I'm definitely not), but I also don't want to lead on guys who want something long-term.

--Newbie

A woman seeking regular commitment-free sex is a bit like a man just looking for somebody to join him for scrapbooking and a cuddle. Each might be telling the truth, but their target audience will find it hard to believe. In other words, it's best to avoid putting "not looking for anything serious" in your online dating profile. Some men will take it at face value, but many will see it as either a red flag (fake profile, a trap, etc.) or a "go for it!" flag to send their best penis selfie.

Also, your profile is just supposed to be a thumbnail of you. You don't owe anyone your five-year plan. You could, however, ask to have a phone conversation before meeting and casually mention your recent relationship history. On the phone, you become a person a guy can ask questions of rather than just a picture with a profile. You can clarify what you're looking for and, assuming you don't come off sketchy or psycho on the phone, quell a guy's fear that "nothing serious" really means "I need a fling because the recently paroled felon I'm cheating on my husband with is boring."

Hey, now! I happen to like handcrafts and cuddling. So, you watch your mouth, Amy!

Just kidding, Amy. I'm actually very impressed with this sensible advice on creating one's dating profile. Doubtless, many people will find this useful.

Patrick at May 14, 2014 5:06 AM

Oh, Amy, I have a terrible problem now. Do you remember that lengthy harangue I gave you about how cameras are not welcome in gyms and only a douchebag would bring a camera into a gym to take a photo of himself?

I finally went ahead and did it, and it's on my Facebook wall now. I took a picture of myself in the gym. I'm officially a douchebag now, and I'm sick about it.

Worse, now someone on my wall is asking for pictures of my legs. So I replied, "You want to see my legs? Then you can go Google a CHICKEN FARM and view the pictures of their livestock!"

Patrick at May 14, 2014 5:15 AM

Amy Alkon

https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2014/05/plenty-of-fishy.html#comment-4626954">comment from Patrick

Aww, Patrick!

Amy Alkon at May 14, 2014 7:26 AM

I think the LW should just put "undecided" in the "what kind of relatioship do you want?" blank. That way, you avoid creating any unrealistic expectations either way. And besides, you're newly single and have no desire to get married right away, so why commit yourself to any particular course of action? Play the field, see what develops.

Cousin Dave at May 15, 2014 11:22 AM

Men are more likely to see it as a pleasant surprise rather than a disappointment. She doesn't need to say anything. Looking for causal dating is what men on-line are assuming is the default unless specified.

Joe J at May 16, 2014 9:33 AM

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