"You're either married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere"

Chris Rock

This guy sounds like a greedy asshole. When it gets tough he bails out, whether it is as a married guy or a single guy.

Did you know single life is tough as fuck sometimes? I think Bill Burr said that if you want to pursue that lifestyle after 30 you will be sorely disappointed.

"that if you want to pursue that lifestyle after 30 you will be sorely disappointed"

Just want to clarify. He didn't mean the single life but the chasing pussy all the time at bars/clubs etc.

I think a lot of people want an open relationship- where their SO is faithful and they get to fuck around.

People need to stop being so damn greedy.

I will give LW one thing, at least he got single before he acted single, and didn't just cheat on his wife.

That being said, he's still a dill weed, because he probably realizes all the meaningless one night stands do not compare to having someone who loves you enough to make you chicken soup when you get sick.

I think marriage is the problem, not just for this guy, but for most people.

One of the things that I've always found perplexing is the remarkable frequency in which people say, "It's hard work," when asked to describe their married life.

If it's "hard work," why do it? Especially since that's the first thing out of their mouths.

I lift weights; that's hard work. But at least I have something to show for it. You can't take a gym selfie flexing your 12-year-marriage.

(Not that I would ever take a gym selfie. That's for self-enamored mega-douchebags. Never in a million years would I take a gym-selfie. How tacky! How gauche! How inconsiderate of the others around you who have no interest in being in the background of your gym-selfie! Never in a million years would I take a gym-selfie! Terrible, terrible, terrible thing to do.)

It occurs to me that my previous parenthetical is an inside joke.

Yes, I recently took a gym-selfie. After my self-righteous harangue about cell-phones not belonging in gyms in a recent column of Amy's (in which she addressed a guy who gave his cell number to a girl he met at the gym), I decided to take a gym-selfie. Although the most prominent feature in my gym-selfie is not my pecs, but my smirk, mindful of the fact that I'm pulling a real douchebag move.

Yes, Amy (who is a friend on Facebook) has seen it. The joke was for her benefit.

"If it's "hard work," why do it? Especially since that's the first thing out of their mouths."

Cuz they got kids.

Plus from what I've seen people that marry well (and usually marry young) tend to say its the best decision of their lives. And mean it.

I'm not so sure I could stop being a selfish cunt for the sake of another, how many people care to admit that?

It's not hard work. There's work involved, sure, but it's like light housework. Dusting or something. You know, as opposed to gutting out the house and replastering it by hand.

I hope his wife has been banging all of his friends since they seperated. If my husband dumped me so he could screw bar sluts, that's what I'd do. And I certainly wouldn't take him back.

Unlike housework, kids grow up and move out, eventually. If you're lucky, they are worth it all. I am lucky. If you're really lucky you get to see them in places you would otherwise never visit. (It took almost forty years, but I finally made it outside the airport in Hawaii. Germany was wonderful, and I really enjoyed Las Vegas. Thanks kids.)

And the student loans will be fully paid off in a month or two, so I can die broke, but I had fun.

Marriage isn't hard. It's what helps me get through all the other hard stuff.

Monica I wish this board had a like button

What Monica said. There's the occasional snark, but as a whole my 25+ years with my man have been a blast, no regrets at all. He's my best buddy. I'll agree with Amy on the sex issue though - the fireworks slow to more of a warm glow, but warm glow and friendship trumps fireworks with a bar slut, IMO.

"fireworks with a bar slut"
Decades ago in my youth we called it "banging a girl of easy virtue".

Does he have kids?

If he does, he is a pathetic piece of shit, and he needs to put their interests ahead of his dick.

Even if it means he and the x wife buy adjoining condos, so the kids have two parents.

If his wife isn't totally P.O ed by now, he should be crawling back on his hands and knees.

IF he doesn't have kids but she wants them, let her go, and give her a chance to find someone who wants what she wants.

He is a player, and nothing is going to fix that.
Stop yanking this poor woman around.

Ppen ... you are SOOOOO right. My husband asked me for an open marriage about 2 years ago. When I looked him in the eye and said (after a long pause to count to 10 a few times) "Well, sweetie, open will mean OPEN." The look of shock and disappointment on his face was priceless. He actually said -"Oh, well I hadn't thought of that. I guess I just figured you wouldn't want anyone else." I should have run right then ... 'Cause after this incident we spent 8 months going to see a marriage counselor. Long ugly story made short ... he cheated on me with someone less than half my age anyway.
This guys wife should RUN, not walk, away from any of his attempts to reconcile. He left ... buh bye!!!!

Amy, your advice is usually so awesome, but I think you kind of whiffed this one. Your points about marriage and monogamy are rock-solid (kind of like how people don't seem to have any actual conversations about child rearing before popping one out, then discovering they disagree about basically everything. Baffling!).

However, one thing that is missing from both your answer and this guy's question is...what does the wife think about this? He seems completely unconcerned about that - like it hasn't even entered his mind that she may have an opinion about getting asked for a divorce so he could have more sex with randos, then getting asked for a reconciliation once that got old.

Maybe worth asking him why he's treating his wife like an end table instead of a person who might have thoughts or opinions about him torpedoing the marriage and then changing his mind? That's actually the creepiest thing about this letter (and I don't even want to think about what'll happen if they do get back together, end up having a kid, and he realizes that midnight feedings and dirty diapers aren't as fun as the swingin' single life).

He'll find out what his wife thinks when they talk. I really don't see your points, CmdrBna.

He'll find out what his wife thinks when they talk. I really don't see your points, CmdrBna.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at June 4, 2014 7:35 AM

I would be interested, in how that talk went, and what the resolution to this whole thing was.

An update column might be very popular.

I just think it's really weird that he was married to this woman for a couple years and decided to divorce her, then changed his mind, and it seems like she's a bit player in his mind instead of one-half of a marriage. I know we probably only see a snippet on the letters that you receive, so maybe there's more that was edited out, but...the lack of concern about how his wife feels is really jarring. His entire question revolves around how he feels - HIS marriage, HIS separation, HIS reconciliation. He wants to have a conversation about getting back together, not a conversation about how things went sideways so quickly.

Considering that he left because he was bored and unhappy, and wants to get back together because he's bored and unhappy, he strikes me as one of those people whose feelings are the epicenter of their universe, and their way of dealing with being bored and unhappy is to change everything around them without actually looking at why they felt that way in the first place. Which usually ends up with them being bored and unhappy again.

I don't think this guy should have gotten married.

How does being a bartender give you scope to cheat? I mean, even if you are surrounded by bar sluts, they will go after the guys whom they can really extort and for that they target guys who have big money(unless you get lucky like the bartender on the cruise ship in that movie hangover). The one thing about women is this...they give a damn about men or women....all they care about is money in return for sex. And if you actually get a woman who will screw a bartender, chances are she is really ugly which just means you are desperate and it is not your job that is the problem, but you. OR maybe you are a really rich bartender...not sure how much that possibility is.

There's a chance that if they got back together it would work. Three months ago, he was comparing marital boredom to his fantasy of the single life. Now he's got the reality to compare it to, and that's going to be a lot less tempting next time.

That said, I'm rooting for the conversation to start this way:

He: Honey, we need to talk. . .
She: I'm glad you called. We need to move the divorce along. I've been seeing someone and we want to get married.

I assume that if there were children involved, the guy would have said so.

Maybe his wife wants some strange alongside the steady thing, too. The guy should ask her about the possibility of an open marriage. Worst case scenario* is it doesn't work out. Since they're already living apart and headed for divorce, he's got nothing to lose.

*Assuming steps are taken to avoid disease or fertilized eggs

Considering that he left because he was bored and unhappy, and wants to get back together because he's bored and unhappy, he strikes me as one of those people whose feelings are the epicenter of their universe, and their way of dealing with being bored and unhappy is to change everything around them without actually looking at why they felt that way in the first place

One of those people? Do you mean women?

Sorry I just couldnt resist

I didn't, and your bitterness is showing.

Its not like I try and hide it

I agree with CmdrBna's 6:59 post (except for the first line - unfortunately, narcissism and childishness like this is not nearly as weird as it should be).

LW's unhappiness is like that of a 5 year old whose aunt takes him to the toy store to pick out any toy he wants, and he can't have every toy in the store.

Thanks, KF - it just kind of jumped out at me that his question was not "how do I start the conversation with my wife about how to repair our marriage or whether she would like to try to reconcile?" but "how do I say the words in the right combination that will get me what I want?"

The thing that jumped out at me the most was, the thing that made him unhappy was other women throwing themselves at him. Not anything wrong with his wife, or his relationship with her. I'd think most people in a healthy marriage would be happy and flattered by attention from other women/men, and go home and convert that positive energy into some sweet sweet marital lovin'.

The part of Amy's answer I disagree with is the very end - my marriage is really easy; even if I wanted to have a fling it seems like it would be a lot of work.

Bar tenders are kind of like strippers. There is something hot and alluring about it if you don't think too deep. If you stop and think its someone basically covered in alcohol who has had to listen to the same shitty sob story 100s times. Plus as we all know alcohol lower inhibitions and shagging a bar tender (regardless of gender) happens at the end of the night. So the patrons standards are lowered and said patron has not scored a bed mate for the night at this point. He's likely had some very good looking women throwing themselves at him. They then wake up the next morning with a hangover and a bit of bruised dignity.

As far as his behavior. He doesn't really say why he wasn't happy. Was it that he was an ass just looking for a bit of strange. Was it that she due to life situation or a medical condition became a frigid haradin. Ive seen both. A person (can happen to both) who's SO is still affectionate and they just get bored because lack the imagination to make it fun YFD. However when you bend over backwards for them and you get nothing but indifference then FUCK EM. That is a sign of utter contempt and should be greeted with the same.

Dear LW: when your back is better, you can quit bartending and go back on the PGA Tour, but Elin is definitely NOT taking you back.

You need to figure out what the hell you want from life, and figure out IT ALL COSTS YOU SOMETHING.

Here's what I've never understood about the dudes who want an open marriage: women can get laid pretty much at will. If they really want to, they will find a guy willing. That does NOT work in reverse for men. If you aren't super hot or rich, you are going to have a much tougher row to hoe. DO these guys think of that? I mean, I assume most of them have someone on the hook when they bring this topic up. But still. Doesn't seem very smart to me.

I think every married couple goes thru the bored phaze but not all tend to wanna go find someone else to spice things up with. Ive been married 5 years and when things get too repetitive I like suggest different date ideas but DIVORCE is never my first thought.
Did people forget how hard it is to actually complete a divorce preceding.

Echoing others, this guy sounds like an ass. He was able to go and play around and get it out of his system and now wants her to just pick things up where they left off like nothing happened? It wasn't just a one-time thing or a mistake. He wanted to mess around badly enough that he left her.

If someone truly is unhappy and recognizes that they really need their freedom, the kind thing actually is to let their partner go so they (the partner) can find someone else. But that's not what he did. He was selfish coming and going.

We could talk if he came crawling back on his hands and knees, but all he'd hear from me would be a resounding "hell no".

Not even to mention the potential STDs he might have now...