This is all crap. If you want your friends to attend your wedding, have a wedding they can afford. We leased the best restaurant, and invitited our friends. We did a toast, got married and had a perfect lunch. Then we wrote one check to pay for it. It was perfect. and there was no drama. Total cost less than 3k.

When my dear sis invited me to her wedding #3, which would mean traveling to Seattle, I asked her if I could come to her next one instead. She wasn't amused. She dumped him later on, too.

It may be crap Matt, but it is common. When I got married I bought my groomsmen's suits (it was cheaper than renting) and my parents covered the hotel for everyone. Many of my friends and relatives don't have the resources I do. But I can't think of another wedding I've attended that was similarly covered.

When my wife and I got married nearly 40 years, it cost under $100 and was all could afford (child support for marriage #1).

When my daughter got married at age 35 in 2011, it cost about $70K. I guess it was worth it because everything about it, weather, ceremony, flowers, photographers, wedding planner, sit down dinner for 120, open bar, music and dancing was absolutely perfect.

I thought wedding planners were the bride and her mother, but our $5K planner was on top of everything.

Both my kids are married now, and if there is a do-over, they are on their own. In August, I will be 78.

I now own three of your books, Amy, and I am sending Good Manners to daughters and friends. I read most of it to my wife, and we were dissolved in laughter, but the very special thing was that at the core, the advice you gave was excellent.

I live in a suburb of Seattle, and bought Good Manners at the University Book Store in the new book section. The great title just grabbed me. Great read.

Congrats,

Jim

I am a first generation American and my Scottish started with 14 yearsj in the WV coal mines. I spent 22 years in thevAir Force and 24 years as a Boeing engineer. I have a BS from SUNYB in mechanical engineering, another from NYU in meteorology, masters degrees from MIT in meteorology and aero/astro, and finally a bachelors degree from U Wash in computer science. The Air Force contributed partially or completely to all five degrees.

I have been very lucky in my life, except for really bad rheumatoid arthritis for 14 years. The good news is that Medicare and Tricare (for military retirees) picks up the complete tab for my wife and me.

Thank you, taxpayers

BTW, Amy, you are very, very pretty.

I have no idea if wedding planners (whoever they may be) generally work guest affordability into their calculations. If they don't, they ought to. As far as the LW goes, if he really can't afford to attend the wedding, if he can't make the cost back somehow, he'd better let his buddy know quick so he can plan around his absence. If LW's friend really wants him there, he may be able to come up with a solution (e.g., covering the tux rental, hotel, etc.).

Oh, and Colonel Kennedy: GO AIR FORCE! (I retired about 18 months ago myself!)

COL Kennedy, congratulations and thank you for your service. And from one ex-Boeing employee to another: do they still make an announcement on the PA when the sun comes out?

Nothing in the letter (as printed) screams EXPENSIVE to me, regarding the wedding itself. Maybe they wanted to throw it in an area where most of their family members live, and that happens to be in a place that's inconvenient for the LW?

If the boyfriend and I WERE to tie the knot, even if we held it in the McDonald's ball pit, it would be expensive for most of our guests. Our loved ones are scattered all over the world. No matter where we have it, more than half of the guest list would have to fly in.

In any case, LW should just say, "I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to take off work," and not even feel bad about it. My boyfriend and I just did that for a wedding. It was a simple BBQ affair in the bride's parents' backyard, but, for us it would require a plane trip, a 3-hour drive in a rental car and a night at a pricey B&B (no chain hotels anywhere within an hour of the wedding location). We didn't grumble about the bride and groom having a wedding WE could not afford to attend. We just recognized it was out of our budget and sent our heartfelt congrats.

You were asked to be a groomsman, not merely a guest, so you should be able to have an honest conversation with the groom about money. Maybe there's someone you could share a hotel room with (or a friend or family member whose place you could crash at), you could forgo a gift, the groom could change the attire to black tie optional, etc. And remember that you should get at least one free meal out of this. If you're good enough friends to be in the wedding, you're good enough friends to not make up excuses when your problem could be resolved (it's hours away by car, not a beach wedding in Hawaii).

Marriage planners do take affordability into account. Mine asked me what the budget was at the first meeting. You also should not be paying the planner. They get paid by the businesses they refer kinda like head hunters.

When my daughter got married at age 35 in 2011, it cost about $70K.

Isn't that when you grab the future son in law and offer him $5k to run to Vegas and elope?

@IRA: Isn't that when you grab the future son in law and offer him $5k to run to Vegas and elope?

That's a talk I'd fantasized having with my future son-in-law a few years ago. "Here are the plane tickets and a wad of bills. The ladder's in the shed, and we never had this conversation."

Didn't need it, though. My daughter's wedding was lovely, but a fairly modest affair.

Weddings can be expensive to attend. Is there any other type of party you can think of (other than a fundraiser) that can cost you from a couple hundred to over a grand just to attend?

My brother's wedding cost us about a grand to participate in. We were ALL in it (me as a bridesmaid, hubs as a groomsman, kid as a flower girl), plus two nights at a hotel... ugh. We didn't have to fly, and my husband owns his tux, but it was still expensive. I would hope that LW's friend isn't so sensitive that someone skipping the wedding is considered a slight. Attending out-of-town weddings can get pretty expensive, with hotels, time off of work, plane tickets, gifts, etc. And being part of the wedding party is even more time consuming: buying or renting attire, lodging and transportation, batchelor(ette) parties, etc.

My co-worker is buying the suits for his groomsmen for his upcoming wedding, but I don't know anyone else who has done that, and it's not standard.

jefe: When my dear sis invited me to her wedding #3, which would mean traveling to Seattle, I asked her if I could come to her next one instead.

Okay, maybe that didn't amuse anyone else, but I laughed out loud.

Thank you for your service, Colonel Kennedy. I did four years in the Army, myself.

And by the way, Marie Antoinette never said "Let them eat cake."

The phrase "Qu’ils mangent de la brioche," first appeared in Rousseau's "Confessions," which was written when Marie Antionette was only nine years old.

The problem is, no matter where you have your wedding, in this day and age it will be out of town for a good number of your friends and family. Realistically, people move, and the odds of everyone you love living in the same place are pretty much nil. So there's really no way around it costing a lot of money for a lot of your guests.

You can mitigate it if you have a big house and can put some people up. Or you can cut a deal with a hotel and get a discount, but even a discounted hotel is pricey.

I wouldn't worry about black tie only, at least in my social circles even at fancy events like the Consul's Ball guys will show up in suits and ties rather than tuxes.

I'm not sure why there would be a price difference for your guests if you threw an expensive wedding rather than one in your backyard (which, don't kid yourself, can be just as expensive as renting a venue by the time you rent tents in case of rain, tables and chairs, and china and cutlery). Seems to me the out of towners have to pay for a hotel either way. And hotels ain't cheap.

I went to my brother's wedding in May. It was very expensive since we live on different continents. My parents paid the hotel and part of the ticket, but we still paid for part of the plane tickets, the rental car, eating out, bridesmaid expenses (manicures, hair, etc) and miscellaneous expenses we were out a bucketload.

I would not do that for anyone but my brother. For anyone else, I'd send a nice gift.

Weddings can be expensive to attend. Is there any other type of party you can think of (other than a fundraiser) that can cost you from a couple hundred to over a grand just to attend?

***

Yes. Any party held in a place I have to fly to. Milestone birthdays for close relatives, for example.

Even a modest wedding can be unaffordable, or otherwise impossible, to attend. People are more spread out than they used to be. Almost every wedding I have been invited to has been "destination" in the sense that they were over 8 hours of car drive away. None has been anywhere lavish, just the couples' home areas.

I recently sent my regrets to my favorite cousin's wedding. Why? It's halfway across the continent and I cannot afford to take my whole family of four. My spouse cannot take time off due to being in a brand new job, and I couldn't get a sitter for the kids. That left me with "regretfully declines."

Part of being a grown up means understanding that sometimes things just won't work out.

I suspect that a lot of ugly financial realities are sneaking up to bite the 20 and thirty something's in the ass.
The American economy has been very good, and the home equity loan industry allowed people to suck phantom equity out of their homes, like it was never going to be paid back.
It wasn't, and those days are gone, along with most destination weddings and round the world cruises.

We haven't bought a new vehicle in ten years. Any money to go to a wedding or pay for a wedding would have to come out of the retirement funds, or be borrowed.

Invited two years ago to a wedding in Phoenix. Would have been 2000 miles round trip, plus a hotel room, etc.

It just wasn't going to happen.
Saw pictures afterwards, it looked rather sparsely attended,

I wonder what happens when you plan a destination wedding, and nobody comes?

Col. James, what does your resume have to do with this letter or the comments below it? With all due respect, I think you just wanted an audience where you could brag about all your degrees, your place in the military, and your resulting wealth. While it is all very impressive, and I thank you for your service, it seems more like a self-centered hi-jacking to me.

I would simply tell the truth-that I'd love to attend, but could not afford the expense or loss of work. Who knows? Perhaps the bride and groom or their families would offer to help with those expenses?

I wonder what happens when you plan a destination wedding, and nobody comes?

*

You're relieved as it costs less

I am surprised no one mentioned this. As a friend of the groom, you will probably never see this guy again. Your sacrifice would be a total waste. The wife controls the social life of the couple. Unless you are close to her, you won't be included in the future.

Gonna play devil's advocate on this: I am a waitress too, and I don't think $500 is *that* much to spend to participate in the wedding of someone you care about. I was recently a bridesmaid in a close friend's wedding, and all told I spent at least $1500 on flights, hotels, gifts, dress, etc for the bachelorette weekend, bridal shower, and wedding. Probably over $3000 if you include the opportunity cost of lost income. But sharing in special events with the people I love is how I WANT to spend my money/time off, which is really what this boils down to. The way you spend your money reflects your priorities. Your friend obviously values the friendship enough to ask you to be in his wedding--do you value the friendship enough to spend the money?

Now, obviously rent, food, insurance, car payments etc have to take priority over attending a wedding, and if that's the case then your friend will understand. But if you have a decent amount of disposable income to spend on eating, drinking, and entertainment (like virtually everyone I know in the restaurant biz) then surely you can put aside $500 between now and the wedding. Waiting tables should theoretically make this easier, as you can pick up extra shifts unlike someone on a straight salary. For many people that's the major selling point of waiting tables in the first place: to have the flexible schedule and income so you can do things like, oh, be in your friend's wedding.

That being said, if the participation costs are a stretch for you then it's okay to forgo giving a gift--any true friend would rather have your presence than your presents. And you should ask him for suggestions on splitting a room, crashing on someone's couch, borrowing a tux etc that could help defray costs. But skipping out on the wedding is going to send a clear message on how much the friendship matters to you, and you have to decide what message you want to send.