Women all go around with a shopping list on their sleeve, of stuff they want from their ideal man. What they REALLY mean is, they want this stuff from the man they're ATTRACTED TO. The attraction comes first; it's what makes him 'ideal' in the first place-- the rest is really just optional cr@p. It's Ladder Theory all over again.

My wife may or may not ever go back to work. I don't really care. We don't need the money and her career ambitions or lack there of don't bother me.

If the LW is ok with that with the genders reversed more power to her and her new house husband. But if she wants a similarly ambitious man or especially if she wants a man to do the career thing while she stays home then she is barking up the wrong tree.

This great guy I've started dating is doting and sweet but, careerwise, lacks ambition and seems comfortable floating by with minimal effort.

I'd really like to know what that means. Are we talking about a guy who thinks sweeping out the auto parts store is the pinnacle of his career, or are we talking about a professional engineer who doesn't want to take the management track? It's not clear in the letter, but it strikes me as important.

Ambitions differ; not all growth is the same, or should be seen the same way. Not everyone wants to be a manager or a partner in the firm. Some people are happy on the hands-on side and are content to grow there.

I'll agree w/ Old RPM Daddy here . . . I'm a pretty ambitious person. Not necessarily as regards money (sadly, I'm in media where salaries aren't generally enormous), but I work hard, climb the ladder, want and get recognition and influence, etc.

My husband . . . isn't. I've come to realize that he'll be happy doing a blue-collar job for the rest of his life, and getting personal satisfaction by tutoring high-school students on the side. He's also smart, funny, fantastic in bed, washes the dishes with only a small amount of prodding, and is, corny as it sounds, my best friend . . . and has been for almost 30 years of marriage now.

On the other hand, the LW might see this as unacceptable, and that she'll only be happy with a captain of industry chacon a son gout, but it's worth at least being open to stuff you didn't think you wanted.

I'd combine the commenters' notes with Amy's advice. Yes, create a list of "Man Minimums." But understand that the more ambitious you make your minimum, the harder it's going to be to find someone who fits it. If "has a full time, reasonably paying job" is ambitious enough for you, you'll have a nice, wide pool. If you're only satisfied with "aspires to be a millionaire with his own company," you may end up wondering why you're single at 40 while all your friends call you a gold-digger behind your back.

Also make sure to be reasonable with your expectations--men can't "have it all" any more than women can. If you want a guy who wants to work 80 hour weeks to get ahead, don't be upset when that means he's not home very often, doesn't help out with household chores much, etc.

Lists are good, as long as you don't end up like this:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/few-more-items-knocked-off-list-of-desirable-trait,36412/
I think, make a list, then pare your list down to just the top most important items.

Well, remember what Cher said? "Some women get all excited about nothing, and then marry him."

LW has got to figure out for herself if she can live with him or without him. At this stage in the game, it's unlikely he'll suddenly develop an urge to out-earn the likes of Warren Buffet!

The one thing I'll add is that it sort of sounds to me like the LW is getting pressure from her friends. "Is it okay to"... Who cares what other people say is "okay"? The question is, what do you want? Only you can decide if you would be happy living with this guy, or if you can't deal living with someone who isn't more ambitious.

As for that Onion article: I'm still working on the individually-defined-ab-muscles bit. I'm wondering now if just getting a map with labels tatooed onto my stomach would suffice.

She may find out that really ambitious means "never around". But that's probably something she needs to figure out on her own. So if she thinks she needs a super ambitious guy then she ahould go with one. And, as mentioned above, "ambitious" can mean anything from take over the world to clean the sink.

My sister had a man friend who loved her, was loyal, and treated her like gold. However, he was not college educated. He was a cabinet maker, and didn't want to be anything else. He wanted to marry her but she rejected him because of that. Now she is an ageing cat lady. Actually she does have a dog too, so she's got that going for her.

I have no problem with man minimums. I made a match.com profile, posted what was important to me (a top three or four - being active and having money and a job were both in there). I also listed what I saw as my assets. I was spectacularly honest - he agrees. And it worked for me, after a few false starts. None of which was a disaster, but the spark just wasn't there for those.

When the spark did happen, though, most everything else was already figured out.

It's different when you're dating normally - you don't generally read the end of a novel first, right? Instead, you see if the spark is there, and if so you start to evaluate whether the other stuff is there also. It's slower going, and it's harder to say no to the spark when you do find it.

Just realize that while the spark is required, it's only one of the things that make an ideal mate.

I think anyone who has figured out how to earn a living doing something they enjoy is successful.

That is so rare!