Out Of Leftover Field
My buddy was hit on by a girl he plays softball with, but he politely told her he is married, and they've since become friends. Recently, he set me up with her. She's actually very cute and nice, but I can tell that she still likes my friend. I feel like a consolation prize. Is that just in my head? Should I let this girl go even though I like her?
--Runner-Up
People often give their romantic partners food-related nicknames. Maybe yours can be "my little half-eaten muffin that somebody handed the homeless guy."
This woman knows in her rational mind that there's a big wife-shaped roadblock between her and your friend. The problem is, when she initially turned getting him into a goal, she switched on the human motivational system, which is highly efficient in maintaining a craving but lacks an off switch for easily discontinuing one. As for where this leaves you, well, in game show terms, your friend's the trip to Bermuda; you're the set of steak knives.
When somebody you want still wants somebody else, the temptation is to chase after them and then tie them to a chair and pontificate on your greatness. That's the most counterproductive thing you could do. This isn't to say you have to give up on this girl. Just forgo hot pursuit for lukewarm pursuit. Instead of going whole hog, go one-eighth or one-sixteenth hog. In practical terms, make yourself occasionally available but generally somewhat scarce. She should have the sense that you're also dating other women, and ideally, you are doing that. A month from now, if she's still looking at your buddy the way a dog looks at a piece of bacon teetering on a counter ledge, it's probably time to move on. When your future wife tells the grandkids, "I'll always remember when I first saw your granddad," the rest of that shouldn't be, "Because I've still got the hots for the guy who fixed us up."
All this assumes that the LW is not a beard for his friend.
Amazed_476 at July 2, 2014 5:28 AM
LW should back off for a while. Be friends with the woman, but that's it. Unless and until she makes it clear that she's over the married guy.
Flynne at July 2, 2014 6:26 AM
A couple things crossed my mind as a read this column:
She's actually very cute and nice, but I can tell that she still likes my friend.
How bad is it, and how can LW tell? Can he see it in her face, or does she talk about it? Does she seem likely to put another move on LW's friend? Remember, pining away over a married person is unproductive, and acting on it is worse. Neither of these things are very cute or nice.
I feel like a consolation prize. Is that just in my head? Should I let this girl go even though I like her?
Whether you're a consolation prize or not is all in her head, not yours. That said, I'll agree with Miss Alkon and Flynne, hold back a little, say 0.0625Hog, and let her figure it out.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at July 2, 2014 7:52 AM
I'd say this was right on advice. A month is a reasonable length of time to give her to get over her infatuation with an unattainable guy.
And encouraging him to date is an excellent idea. Because there's no guarantee, even if and when she does get over LW's married friend, that she'll go for LW.
Patrick at July 2, 2014 7:55 PM
Now I'm wondering about something. Is there really even a chance that she'll go for LW once she gets over her infatuation?
I ask this because I don't see how LW even has a chance if there was no spark when they met.
Could she really think, "Well, LW's friend did seem hot, but he's married, and I'm finally ready to get over him...oh, wow! LW's a megahunk and he's into me!"?
Patrick at July 2, 2014 8:10 PM
Sure. It might be a smaller spark, but even a smaller spark can grow into a flame.
The main thing is not to bank on it, though.
NicoleK at July 3, 2014 12:09 AM
even a smaller spark can grow into a flame.
Yup, can happen. When I was a college freshman I met a girl at a mixer, and my impression was "OK for a couple of dates, probably nothing more." 20 years later our divorce was final.
Rex Little at July 5, 2014 2:00 PM
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