I try to be direct, but my girlfriend often sees this as meanness. For example, when we're out to dinner, she sometimes takes forever to order when the server is standing right there. I'll call her out on this -- tell her she was rude to keep the guy waiting. Personally, I think it's unhealthy in the long run to keep quiet about issues, but my girlfriend gets upset whenever I give her constructive criticism. How can I convince her that she's being too sensitive?

--Honest

There are times when directness is best. Like if you're an air traffic controller. What's important is not that you make the pilot feel supported in his life goals but that he brings the plane to a stop on the runway instead of in some lady's pool.

But, in many non-emergency situations, being direct -- like bluntly criticizing someone -- is about as effective as throwing somebody a fruit basket instead of a life preserver when they're drowning. The problem, as I explain in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," is that "criticizing people doesn't make them change; it makes them want to clobber you." Because of a lack of software updates to our body's ancient fight-or-flight system, we respond to a verbal attack with the same supercharged biochemical ammo we would if we were attacked by some sharp-fanged thing looking to turn our left eyeball into an after-dinner mint.

You are right, by the way; your restaurant table shouldn't start to seem like a bus stop for the waitstaff because your girlfriend's applying Bayes' theorem to whether she'd prefer the chicken to the pasta. But is your ultimate goal hammering her with how right you are or having a relationship? If it's a relationship you're after, you need to keep her fight-or-flight defensiveness from whirring into action by transforming accusations (like "You're rude!") into information (like reasons the term "waiting" shouldn't be taken literally). For example, you could say, "Hey, I know you love good food and don't want to make a bad choice at dinner. But I was thinking that when the server waits for a while at our table, he may feel we don't respect his time, and other customers may feel neglected and leave him a crappy tip."

By asking her to sympathize with the waiter instead of telling her what a jerk she's been, you help her stay cool enough in the head to consider potential solutions -- like doing a little online menu recon before hitting the restaurant. If you both start sending criticisms up for processing to the kindness and tact department, you could get in the habit of "accepting influence" from each other -- listening to each other and becoming better individually and together -- a practice marriage researcher John Gottman sees in the happiest, most stable relationships. Think of this as living the dream -- the one where your relationship is a safe place to expose the real you (as opposed to that dream where you're back in 10th grade standing naked in front of the school assembly just as your mom starts reading your diary over the PA).

A female "friend" of my boyfriend's is always leaving flirty comments on his Facebook page, and it's making me upset and worried. He doesn't really respond, but because he's a guy with a girlfriend, it seems that the considerate thing for him to do would be to tell her to cool it. How can I bring this up to him in a sane way?

--Disturbed

Guys also say "Hello, beautiful!" to the 200-year-old grocery store cashier, and probably not because they're angling for her to send a selfie of how she looks without her compression hose. What keeps a guy from being all "Let's blow this timeline item and go to a motel" is whether he's ethical and into the relationship he has. If that doesn't describe your boyfriend, why are you still with him? If it does, instead of saying, "Hey! People are socializing with you on a website designed for socializing!" let on that you're feeling a little worried, like by gently remarking, "That friend of yours sure is flirty" (or whatever it takes to get your worry across). Rather than trying to control him, which leads a person to rebel, you're asking for reassurance, which should lead him to put his arms around you and explain why you have nothing to worry about. This, in turn, should get the two of you back to using Facebook as it was intended -- as a place to bring people together to view videos of cats and police brutality.

I just had the humiliating experience of being dumped via email. I'd been seeing the guy for three months. Just days before, we had a romantic date, and he kept saying things like "We're so good together" and was very lovey-dovey. In the email, he said he realized that we aren't compatible, because I'm too driven and career-focused and he needs a more traditional woman. Why did he never mention this before? How does a guy who was very affectionate for months suddenly take to the computer to send you a quick note that it's over? I'm so hurt and confused by how he handled this.

--Devastated

Unfortunately, personal disasters like getting dumped get none of the funding and attention of natural disasters. There's no early warning system to make that annoying sound on your TV, and FEMA doesn't show up the day after with pallets of Kleenex and vodka.

Making matters worse, this guy didn't just dump you; he robo-dumped you. It's okay to take to the Internet to break up with your cable company or somebody you've gone out with a few times. But once you have a relationship with a person, you owe it to them to sit down with them and tell them it's over; you don't get to shove your dirty work off on their phone, their computer, or their vacuum cleaner.

Being willing to put yourself in misery's way and break up face to face preserves the other person's dignity -- their feeling that they have value. "Subj: we r thru," on the other hand, suggests that they don't matter; their feelings don't matter; all that matters is discarding them in the most expedient way. The pre-Internet equivalent would be breaking up via postcard -- maybe "Scenic Lake Minnetonka: Wish You Were Here!" but with the "Here!" crossed out and replaced with "Beer!"

As for how a guy can be all snookieloviepoo one day and all "go away, career lady" the next, chances are, he fell in love -- with the feeling of being in love. Early on, with all the sexytime hormones rushing, it's easy to forget to step back and do the "Hey, wonder whether we're compatible" check. Eventually, the hormone high wears off, and incompatibilities get highlighted instead of blurred. It's normal to feel guilty for not noting them sooner. But it's a stew of guilt and bad character that has a guy taking the e-weenie way out -- telling you it's over with a bonus link at the bottom informing you that there's never been a better time to enlarge your penis.

When life gives you a wedgie, you can mitigate the hurt by reframing it as a protective experience -- one that keeps you from falling into a similar hole in the future. Maybe you can use this to be mindful of asking questions, early on, about the kind of lifestyle and temperament a guy's most comfortable with, which could help you spot the red flags instead of using them as bedsheets. Weeding out the wrong guys fast will keep you on track to finding the right one -- the man who wants a woman who's breaking through the glass ceiling instead of just getting up on a stepstool and Windexing it.

I'm really into this beautiful, funny girl I've been dating for three weeks. I think she likes me, but my gut says she's pulling away a little. If this fizzles, I'll be heartbroken. She's leaving on a 10-day business trip to Europe in two days. Should I get her a gift or a card to let her know I'm really into her (and to not fall in love with any European dudes while she's away)?

--Worried

What kind of gift were you thinking of giving her -- the duct tape you'd use to strap her to a chair in your den? When somebody you're interested in seems to be backing away, it's natural to want to chase them. It's also the most counterproductive thing you could do. (You look desperate, and they look for doorways to hide in.) Your best bet is to remain present but be minimal about it, like by texting her on the morning she leaves, "Hey, have a safe trip and a great time." While she's away, keep seriously busy, both to stay okay in the head and so, when you do see her, you won't come off like you spent 10 days in your bunk bed drawing sparkly hearts in a notebook with her name on the cover. Upon her return, wait at least a few days, and then ask her out. Give her the space to miss you and she just might do that, and you just might find yourself showing her the American version of "if the gondola's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'."

I'm a woman in my early 30s. I was one of the employees who got laid off after my employer lost a big account. I've found a new job, but it's not on my career path and it pays terribly. Still, it's a job and it pays. I live with my boyfriend, and we've always split the expenses, but he's trying to persuade me to keep looking for something better and to let him pay the bills until I find it. He keeps saying he's "happy to do that," but I just can't stomach it. I've always supported myself and taken pride in not being the sort of woman who sponges off a man, and I'm not ready to start now.

--Fiercely Independent

If only giving you a hand financially worked like giving medicine to a dog, then your boyfriend could just grind up some money and sneak it into your food.

The guy gets that you're in a relationship, not a tiny little welfare state. He's offering to help you not because he thinks you can't manage by yourself but because he thinks you shouldn't have to. That's what being in a relationship means -- two coming together as one, not one going it alone while the other one waits in the parking lot.

Though being "fiercely independent" is great if you're the lone survivor of a shipwreck or your car swerves off a lonely mountain road and you need to eat the passenger seat to survive, if spurning your boyfriend's help is any sort of a pattern, it's probably hurting your relationship. By refusing to show the vulnerability it takes to accept help, you keep the relationship on a "So, what's for dinner?" level emotionally and tell your boyfriend he isn't really needed. In time, this should lead him to the obvious question: "Well then, why am I still here?"

Sometimes, aggressive self-reliance is really fear in a Wonder Woman suit. Our "attachment" style -- our way of relating to those close to us -- traces back to our mother's (or other primary caregiver's) responsiveness to our needs as infants. If you could count on her to soothe you when you were distressed, you end up "securely attached," meaning you have a strong psychological base and feel comfortable relying on others. If, however, she was unavailable or rejecting, you become "avoidantly attached" and develop a habit of self-protective distancing. ("Can't count on anybody" becomes "Don't need nobody.")

The good news is, even if Mommy was the next best thing to an ice floe, there's no need to resign yourself to the effects of that. Research finds that a loving partner can help you break out of avoidant attachment by continually behaving in supportive ways that challenge your belief that you can't count on anybody. You, in turn, need to risk revealing your emotions and needs and trusting that your boyfriend will be there for you -- perhaps starting with accepting his offer of a financial cushion. Over time, as you see that you actually can rely on him, you should develop a more secure foundation -- and come to understand that true strength involves being confident that you can walk tall but sometimes being okay with curling up in a fetal position tall.

I hit it off with a woman on an online dating site, and she showed up at the bar for our date with an unruly chihuahua in her handbag. She acted like it was no big deal at all, but she had to hold her purse close to her to keep the dog calm, and the server eventually saw it, so we had to leave. I really liked her initially, but I thought her bringing a pet on a date was really rude. A friend said that the purse dog thing is becoming commonplace and that I shouldn't nix her because of it.

--Irked

People usually want the howling and scratching to come after the date. Unless you're meeting at a dog park, it's no more okay to show up with your dog on the first date than it is to bring your cow, your lobster, or some 3-year-old you happened to find wandering around the mall. This woman was sending you a message about the things she has little interest in: your feelings, whether the bar gets fined by the health department, and the point of a date -- for two people to focus on each other rather than on distracting the server from a growling purse. So, yes, you absolutely should nix her -- before she realizes that someone's going to have to curl up on the floor beside the bed. (If you're a good boy about it, she'll throw you your favorite squeaky toy a few times before it's lights out.)

My married friend just had a baby and posts what's essentially the same "Look how cuuute!" shot on Facebook several times daily. Beyond finding this annoyingly boring, I'm 32 and unhappily single, and seeing all of her blissful pix is making me envious and resentful. Is it wrong to secretly block her photos? I feel it would be better for our friendship.

--Baby On Overboard

A lot of people use Facebook to announce their accomplishments: "I became CEO of the company!" "I got into Juilliard!" And then there's your friend: "We had sex without birth control, and look at what happened!"

Of course, the fledgling CEO typically posts the good news once; there aren't hourly selfies: "Here I am teething on my new desk!" "Here I am spitting up on the sales director!" And yes, like many new parents, your friend's excitement may have led her to misplace her "Don't be boring!" filter. But as you're feeling bliss-bombed, you might keep in mind that she's sharing only the cute moments -- her mini-vacations from the screaming and the sleeplessness, going online at 3 a.m. to play "Match That Rash," and the endless analysis of the cut, color, and clarity of baby diamonds -- otherwise known as poo. (If a new mom's actual reality were on parade, Facebook would be renamed Buttbook.)

Sympathizing with your friend (and even working up to feeling happy for her) is actually in your self-interest. In "The How of Happiness," social psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky wisely notes: "You can't be envious and happy at the same time." Though we rather automatically compare ourselves with others, Lyubomirsky's research finds that the happiest people aren't weighed down by others' achievements; they take pleasure in others' successes and appear to judge themselves by their own internal standards. Unhappy people, on the other hand, feel deflated by their peers' accomplishments and relieved about their failures. They tend to be very focused on how much better others are doing, which causes them to feel "chronically vulnerable, threatened, and insecure."

To become a happier person, start acting like one -- expressing generosity of spirit. Lyubomirsky's research finds that one of the most effective ways to be meaningfully happier is to do kind acts for others. So, instead of blocking your friend, try a counterintuitive approach: Block out time to spend with her. Go over there, maybe fold a towel and put away a couple of dishes, and treat her to an interaction that doesn't end with somebody chewing on her nipple.

As long as you're in the generosity of spirit aisle, pick some up for yourself. Remind yourself that finding a partner is hard for most people. Get in the habit of taking stock of what's good in your life, and think of constructive ways to get closer to what you want. Replacing your sneery mindset with a more upbeat outlook should have you radiating the sort of positive energy that draws people -- including single male people -- to you. Keep that up and you should eventually find yourself married, pregnant, and the envy of every woman whose dream it is to throw up violently every morning but still look like that girl who turned into a giant blueberry in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

I'm a single woman who likes hiking, and I agreed to let a male friend set me up with his hiking-loving buddy -- and then he showed me his picture. I was not at all attracted. I didn't want to seem shallow (though I guess I am), so I told him to give me his info, but I never reached out. My friend keeps asking whether the guy should call me. Is it rude to say I'm not interested based on looks alone?

--No, Thanks

People who say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover won't be ending their Saturday night dodging the book's make-out attempts on their front porch. Sure, it's possible that this guy's photo doesn't entirely capture how he looks face to face. But photos are not cave drawings. If you aren't attracted to skinny blond guys, seeing a particular skinny blond guy in person is unlikely to change that. And turning down a date with a man you aren't attracted to isn't "shallow"; it's the kind thing to do -- basically breaking up before the first date instead of after he's gotten attached to you. Doing this doesn't require the whole cruel truth, just enough of the truth -- like "not really my type" -- to send him on his way. Communicate that to your mutual friend and you'll free Hiker Guy up to focus on women he might have a chance with and free yourself up to find a man who can make your heart race -- without chasing you up and down the trails with an ax.