Will Onesies Never Cease?
My married friend just had a baby and posts what's essentially the same "Look how cuuute!" shot on Facebook several times daily. Beyond finding this annoyingly boring, I'm 32 and unhappily single, and seeing all of her blissful pix is making me envious and resentful. Is it wrong to secretly block her photos? I feel it would be better for our friendship.
--Baby On Overboard
A lot of people use Facebook to announce their accomplishments: "I became CEO of the company!" "I got into Juilliard!" And then there's your friend: "We had sex without birth control, and look at what happened!"
Of course, the fledgling CEO typically posts the good news once; there aren't hourly selfies: "Here I am teething on my new desk!" "Here I am spitting up on the sales director!" And yes, like many new parents, your friend's excitement may have led her to misplace her "Don't be boring!" filter. But as you're feeling bliss-bombed, you might keep in mind that she's sharing only the cute moments -- her mini-vacations from the screaming and the sleeplessness, going online at 3 a.m. to play "Match That Rash," and the endless analysis of the cut, color, and clarity of baby diamonds -- otherwise known as poo. (If a new mom's actual reality were on parade, Facebook would be renamed Buttbook.)
Sympathizing with your friend (and even working up to feeling happy for her) is actually in your self-interest. In "The How of Happiness," social psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky wisely notes: "You can't be envious and happy at the same time." Though we rather automatically compare ourselves with others, Lyubomirsky's research finds that the happiest people aren't weighed down by others' achievements; they take pleasure in others' successes and appear to judge themselves by their own internal standards. Unhappy people, on the other hand, feel deflated by their peers' accomplishments and relieved about their failures. They tend to be very focused on how much better others are doing, which causes them to feel "chronically vulnerable, threatened, and insecure."
To become a happier person, start acting like one -- expressing generosity of spirit. Lyubomirsky's research finds that one of the most effective ways to be meaningfully happier is to do kind acts for others. So, instead of blocking your friend, try a counterintuitive approach: Block out time to spend with her. Go over there, maybe fold a towel and put away a couple of dishes, and treat her to an interaction that doesn't end with somebody chewing on her nipple.
As long as you're in the generosity of spirit aisle, pick some up for yourself. Remind yourself that finding a partner is hard for most people. Get in the habit of taking stock of what's good in your life, and think of constructive ways to get closer to what you want. Replacing your sneery mindset with a more upbeat outlook should have you radiating the sort of positive energy that draws people -- including single male people -- to you. Keep that up and you should eventually find yourself married, pregnant, and the envy of every woman whose dream it is to throw up violently every morning but still look like that girl who turned into a giant blueberry in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
Also: There's nothing wrong with just unfollowing her. I post a lot of pics of my kid on FB because I have a lot of family scattered across the country, and they enjoy the pictures. I assume people who don't want to see them have hidden or unfollowed me, and that's fine. I'm not quizzing them later.
MonicaP at November 4, 2014 8:06 PM
A colleague who is a new father, started a FB page in his son's name and posts everything there, mainly for family to see, and to serve as a repository for his pictures. That leaves his personal FB page for adult postings, like, you know, political cartoons and funny cat videos...
pbjammin at November 4, 2014 8:36 PM
I notice that after the first kid the baby pics diminish.
I liked the happiness bit of your column Amy!
Ppen at November 5, 2014 2:04 AM
And then there's this:
“The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life.”
― Brian Tracy
Sappy and maybe a little too pat, but I have found that by genuinely being happy for others, and then going on my merry way, makes me feel just a little bit better about myself.
Of course, YMMV.
Flynne at November 5, 2014 4:45 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2014/11/will-onesies-ne.html#comment-5417640">comment from PpenThanks so much, PPen. PS Sonja's work is really excellent.
Amy Alkon
at November 5, 2014 5:57 AM
The Goddess writes: ...that girl who turned into a giant blueberry in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
Violet Beauregarde.
I'm sure the advice is helpful, but I find myself put off by the "positive mental attitude" approach.
Patrick at November 5, 2014 6:31 AM
I can sympathize with LW's issue, new moms can be pretty obnoxious, that should pass once the sleep deprivation really kicks in. But, man oh man, another glimpse into the harsh and competitive female brain, where another woman's happiness is only experienced as her own failure. So glad I was born a dude.
bkmale at November 5, 2014 7:50 AM
"If a new mom's actual reality were on parade, Facebook would be renamed Buttbook."
It really is not that bad Amy.
And another way to do happiness is the happy pessimist. When I plan anything out I look at how it could fail and what I can do to mitigate those issues. In real life not everything falls apart so I am happy life is better than expected.
I didn't catch on fire today. It must be a good day.
I have a friend who always plans for the best. Then life lets him down as something falls apart and he has to scramble to deal with it. I call him the grumpy optimist.
Ben at November 5, 2014 10:31 AM
The solution is simple. Kill the baby
lujlp at November 5, 2014 11:08 AM
~bk,
Ding, ding, ding. That was really insightful and you are right this is a disturbing look into the female brain. I am a woman and I have never understood the need most women have to use other women's lives as barometer for their own happiness. I see this a lot. It is sad and I think it is the source of the "mommy wars".
Sheep Mom at November 5, 2014 3:00 PM
LW, if you're unhappily single, I suggest you talk to some people who are unhappily married; there's certainly no shortage of those.
Be careful what you wish for; you might get it.
Rex Little at November 5, 2014 9:46 PM
The solution is simple. Kill the baby
But then you have to hide the body. No matter what you do, it's a shitstorm. (Ha! Ha! Ha!)
MonicaP at November 6, 2014 9:01 PM
From Peep Show:
"Jez: There's only so much happiness in the world and they're hoarding it all!
Mark: That's not how happiness works! (It completely is.)"
I kind of like the way new parents tend to flood FB with pics of babies ... it's really just a nice, real, positive thing .. I'll take that over 90% of the other crap in my feed.
Good advice from Amy, I think.
Lobster at November 7, 2014 2:59 PM
But, man oh man, another glimpse into the harsh and competitive female brain, where another woman's happiness is only experienced as her own failure.
Oh, bullshit. I see this all the time in my male-dominated field: people of whom it is said "it is not enough that he succeeds but that others fail."
Astra at November 12, 2014 8:16 AM
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