American Idle
My girlfriend is beautiful, highly intelligent, and interesting. She's smart for a living (as a strategic planner in advertising), so I find it sad that she watches so much television -- maybe two hours of it upon coming home from work. She could be spending her time doing so many other things.
--Dismayed
There comes a point in the day of a brainy person when she's about a half step from being entertained by cat toys.
This is nothing to be boohooing about. Engineering professor Barbara Oakley explains in her neuroscience-based book on learning, "A Mind for Numbers," that our brain has two modes of problem-solving that it shifts between. There's the "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go!" focused mode and the resting-state, brain-in-the-La-Z-Boy diffuse mode. Focused-mode thinking is what we're using when we put our attention on a problem or on learning, writing, or memorizing. It's direct and intense, like shining a flashlight on a raccoon.
But your brain is not a Denny's and should not be expected to be "always open!" In fact, Oakley explains, you will be far more efficient if you take breaks and let your diffuse mode take over. This is the subconscious processing that goes on when you turn your focus away from a problem, like by taking a walk, cleaning the gerbil cage, or -- horrors! -- watching something dopey on TV. And while the focused mode can get you roadblocked into an overly narrow set of potential solutions, diffuse mode involves big-picture thinking that draws on a wide range of neural networks. This means that afterward, when you refocus on the problem, answers come more easily, and sometimes -- almost magically -- you experience the mental equivalent of going to sleep, having mop-wielding elves crawl out of your heat vent, and then waking up to a blindingly clean kitchen floor.
Consider the sort of "slackers" who watch TV -- like the late crime writer Elmore Leonard, who was awarded the National Book Foundation's 2012 Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters. After a long day working on one of his 45 novels, he'd be on his couch watching "Jeopardy" and "Wheel of Fortune." As my boyfriend (his researcher of 33 years) put it, "you could say, 'Elmore, the Martians just landed on your tennis court,' and he'd say, 'Wait! It's Final Jeopardy!'"
Sure, your girlfriend could be "doing so many other things," like staring blankly into a bookcase or tossing back four martinis and passing out on the sofa with an olive in her ear. But TV-watching is the brain vacation that works for her. It's only "sad" if her boyfriend, despite the neuroscience mini-tour above, remains too entrenched in his beliefs to respect a TV-watching woman. Unfortunately, once disgust for a partner is afoot in a relationship, the thing is probably shot. Though, rather incredibly, "the idiot box" can help a person be a smarter decision-maker at work, scientists have yet to discover any similarly unbelievable lowbrow cures for ailing romantic partnerships, like a month of eating Big Macs for a relationship-saving McDonald's cleanse.
I cannot read fiction. My library will frighten most people.
My last romance was a (ex)trophy wife/cheermom/professional architect. Her bedroom bookcase was filled with what she called "bubble gum fiction" and the family room had only coffee table picture books.
I didn't object-- the sex was out of this world.
jefe at January 6, 2015 4:47 PM
I don't get how people decide certain leisure activities are "above" others. My job requires me to think a lot, and I usually do a grueling work-out after work. So when I get home, I'll polish off an episode or two of Gilmore Girls on Netflix while I eat. I sing along loudly to the theme song. My boyfriend does not judge me.
I feel like I've had a nice nap afterward and then proceed to do other things. If I tried to do those other things before my brain-and-body nap, I'd do them less effectively.
My boyfriend, meanwhile, rests his brain playing video games. Others read the paper or knit. Whatever floats your boat, I say.
sofar at January 6, 2015 9:25 PM
I wonder what it is that the LW thinks she ought to be doing? Cripes, decompressing is what TV is for.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at January 7, 2015 4:38 AM
Telling other people how to live their lives is reserved for politicians and government.
MarkD at January 7, 2015 5:06 AM
When I read that last sentence, I hear "she could be paying attention to ME!"
WIthout knowing anything else about their lives, it's impossible to tell whether or not that's a legitimate complaint.
The Original Kit at January 7, 2015 5:17 AM
I like that little detail about Elmore Leonard. Most intellectuals I know will admit to watching "Jeopardy!" That actually exercises your brain as you try to respond to the answers. You also learn something every once in awhile. With "Wheel of Fortune," you try to guess the phrase before the contestants do. I certainly don't think less of Leonard knowing that he enjoyed watching these.
Fayd at January 7, 2015 8:40 AM
'When I read that last sentence, I hear "she could be paying attention to ME!"'
In this overheard imaginary conversation the proper retort would be, "Say something interesting!". Which might open quite the can of worms.
phunctor at January 7, 2015 9:04 AM
I say that you cut this busy woman some slack. I work and go to school full-time. I'll be damned if I allowed some snoot to make me feel like my leisurely activities are not up to snuff.
I say... at January 7, 2015 12:21 PM
As a female with females in the house, Gilmore Girls is one of the best fluff shows you could watch. Dangit that it had to come to an end.
And I agree with The Original Kit. Methinks the dude wants his lady to do something with/for/on top of him.
gooseegg at January 7, 2015 12:32 PM
As a female with females in the house, Gilmore Girls is one of the best fluff shows you could watch.
It's the BEST. I'm not above a "Say Yes to the Dress" marathon either, though. In fact, SYTTD helped me survive grad school.
sofar at January 7, 2015 1:21 PM
I read it differently, she works in advertizing. Watching TV may actually be job related.
Joe j at January 7, 2015 1:54 PM
LW is a pretensions asshole. Simple as that. He feels that everything not enriching ones cultural sensibilities is beneath him. As some one who's brain run hard everyday at work I need mindless entertainment.
My only advice is for the girlfriend, drop the douche.
Vlad at January 8, 2015 8:19 AM
Wait, he's complaining about only two hours of TV a night? Jeeze, even if she were watching the news, that'd still be one hour of that. And does he believe that there are absolutely no stations with anything redeeming on them?
LW needs to come down out of his ivory tower and try seeing how humanity really lives.
EvilEmpryss at January 9, 2015 2:14 PM
So...snuggling with your GF on the couch for two hours every night is a bad thing???
rick at January 9, 2015 3:15 PM
Isn't two hours of television a day below the national average? If she were watching for five hours a day, LW might have a complaint. But two hours?
Patrick at January 11, 2015 2:44 PM
He thinks he's Henry Higgins and she's Eliza Dolittlebutwatchthetube?
Good luck with that.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at January 14, 2015 9:28 PM
@'When I read that last sentence, I hear "she could be paying attention to ME!"'
If she is using TV to avoid him, and he's subconsciously sensing it, then maybe there is an underlying relationship problem that bothers him.
But if he just thinks she should be using her brain 100% of the time for the betterment of mankind or something, that's wrong - it seems disrespectful of her, rude, controlling. He should appreciate and admire that he has an intelligent gf, instead he nitpicks on how she 'could be better' - this will make her feel like she's 'not good enough'.
Brains need rest.
Lobster at January 15, 2015 1:10 AM
Great answer! I love watching tv. I have lots of hobbies, am smart, creative. Sometimes it's just nice to let go of the pressure of all of that and watch tons and tons of TV! This girl sounds smart enough to know that she needs a break. Cuddle up next to her and do a crossword?
Sketchee at January 28, 2015 2:03 PM
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