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I had an amazing first date with this guy: dinner, a movie, a stroll around the park, and a passionate good-night kiss. That was two weeks ago. Since then, I haven't heard a peep. How was it awesome for me but not for him? Were we, unbeknownst to me, on two different dates?
--Disturbed
When a man disappears on you after a great first date, it's natural to search your mind for the most plausible explanation -- that is, whichever one doesn't shred your ego and feed it to your fish. Top choices include: 1. He was kidnapped by revolutionaries. 2. His couch caught fire while he was setting up candles around a shrine to you, and he's now homeless and, more importantly, phoneless. 3. He double-parked at 7-Eleven, and then a witch put a spell on him, turning him into a Big Gulp, and some skater kid drank him.
The reality is, maybe you and he actually were, "unbeknownst to (you), on two different dates." We have a tendency to assume others' thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and desires match our own, explains psychologist Nicholas Epley in "Mindwise." What we forget to consider are what Epley calls "the broader contexts that influence a person's actions." For example, maybe smack in the middle of all that "awesome," the guy was raking through a few thoughts -- like whether he's truly over his previous girlfriend, whether he likes the woman from Tuesday better, whether he's straight.
And sorry, but despite the "passionate" kiss, it's possible the attraction to you just wasn't there. One of my guy friends, a reformed cad, explained: "I used to do this all the time with women. I'd realize I wasn't that attracted to them, but since I was already there on the date, I'd keep moving forward and see if I could get laid, 'cause why not? So from their point of view, the date was 'awesome,' but what they didn't know was that there was never going to be a second date."
The hurt and "huh?" you feel when this sort of thing happens is a measure of the distance between expectations and reality. You can avoid this by managing your expectations, and the best way to do that is by not allowing yourself to have any. In short, until your phone rings and the guy is on the other end asking you for a date or another date, he doesn't exist. When you're on a first date that seems to be going well, the attitude to take is to enjoy yourself to the fullest in the moment -- which is loads easier when you aren't all up in your head figuring out what you'll say when the little girl you two have together comes home at age 8 demanding to be allowed to have her nipples pierced.
It's us, not you. Unless this always happens to you. Then, the one thing in common is you, but draw your own conclusion. Everyone else has.
MarkD at February 11, 2015 4:34 AM
I just think of all the ridiculous reasons a guy never got a second date. He doesn't like pugs, too young, didn't like his hair, I missed my ex, I was insecure, lazy, an asexual ( happens on antipsychotics).... You get the gist.
So I probably get rejected for the same reasons that probably have nothing to do with me as a person. Who cares, no use in ruminating. My best friend will tell me if I am doing shit wrong.
Anyways the last one was very sweet, and enjoyable but I SWEAR TO GOD HIS FUCKING JOKES required too much setup. Im the only woman on the planet that doesnt like funny guys. Another one will easily find him funny but no way in hell I would.
Ppen at February 11, 2015 7:40 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/02/leave-story.html#comment-5845623">comment from PpenThe way a guy treated my dog Lucy made me give him the boot.
Amy Alkon
at February 11, 2015 8:38 AM
Just be glad that he didn't think the date was so amazing that he berates you for not, "feeling the sparks" and to let him know when you get it together and realize that he is the one.
Dating is definitely not for the faint of heart. Getting ones hopes up, makes it all the harder.
I wouldn't think about him again unless he calls. Date a few different guys at a time so you don't get caught up in the, what is he thinking game?
yolabubbles at February 11, 2015 11:53 AM
"Doesn't like pugs" is in NO way a ridiculous reason not to go out with someone. They might as well have "hates fun" tattooed across their forehead.
I have adopted another pug, by the way. She is a puppy mill rescue and I've named her Ava Mae. She's ten years old, has a LOT of energy, and it only took three days to potty train her. She's so tiny! Holly was like a loaf of bread, but Ava Mae is more like a croissant. She really is a sweetheart and already proving to be quite a cuddler. It sure is nice having one around again. Home feels like home.
Holly trained me so well, I think she would be outraged if I didn't adopt another one and put all her hard work to good use.
Pirate Jo at February 13, 2015 4:20 AM
Amy, just what did the guy do with Lucy that was so bad? Just wondering.
MIOnline at February 14, 2015 3:21 PM
Oh so glad to see the pug love here!
Jess at February 16, 2015 2:11 PM
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