Pal Rider
I've been friends with this guy for almost five years. We've always been attracted to each other, but we've never been single at the same time. Now we're starting to date, and I have to say I feel a lot more safety and trust because we were friends first. I'm also not as concerned that he'll take me for a ride or play games. Am I being unrealistically optimistic, or is there some truth to this?
--Been Hurt Before
There is safety in having been friends with a person for a while, like how you can be reasonably sure that when he says "Here, let me help you into the car," it won't be the trunk. And because we evolved to care deeply about maintaining our reputation, it also helps that you two have mutual friends. (A bank robber is less likely to hit a branch where all the tellers know him by name.) However, once you're in a relationship, all sorts of emotional issues can pop up and start biting, and what prevents that is not having been friends but having done the work to fix whatever was bent or broken.
To be realistically optimistic, make yourself look at the guy's worst qualities, and decide whether you can live with them. You should also consider what went wrong in your prior relationships. Sure, getting hurt is sometimes a random act, like a stove falling out of the sky onto your car. But often, it's something you could have seen coming -- and would have, if you hadn't been so busy sewing all the red flags into a big quilt. Finally, even if a guy doesn't have a skull in his kitchen cabinet labeled "Marcy," keep in mind that there are special surprises that will only reveal themselves once you're "more than friends" -- like his superhero underwear and his habit of taking over a bed "alphabet-style" (warding off zombies by sleeping in the letter X).
This guy and I had this "we'd be so great together but dang it I'm in a relationship" thing for about 5 years. He had a girlfriend. Then I had a boyfriend. Then he had another girlfriend. Finally, after we'd both been dumped, we went out and got drunk together and ended up in bed in one of those "this is probably a bad idea but nothing wrong with a little rebound fling."
That was almost 30 years ago, which I know because we're planning something spiffy for our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary. Of course it doesn't always work like that, and even a one-night drunken hookup with a good friend would probably have been fun, especially since we were both 20 at the time, the age of such things. But I ended up spending my life to date with my best friend, and that's kind of awesome.
Anathema at February 11, 2015 6:54 AM
^ that is awesome :)
yolabubbles at February 11, 2015 11:57 AM
My fiance was in my friend circle (although we were never that close) for several years before we started dating. Knowing that he was "vetted" by like 10 people I loved and respected was what made me willing to take a chance with him on the heels of a disastrous break-up.
To be realistically optimistic, make yourself look at the guy's worst qualities, and decide whether you can live with them.
And this is a very important flip side -- if he were a stranger, you'd be on the look-out for incompatibilities. Don't allow your friendship to blind you to them.
sofar at February 12, 2015 9:26 AM
I've told this story here before, but it fits this topic so well I'll do it again. It's about a woman who met a guy when she was 14. They were really good friends for the next 18 years, during which time he dated her sister and many of her friends, but never her. He was even a guest at her first wedding. They lost track of each other for 26 years, until he found her on Facebook. They got together to catch up on old memories, and discovered they'd had feelings for each other the whole time. Now he's the greatest love she's ever had--and she's 62, has been married three times, and lived with three other guys before and between marriages.
It would be a really heartwarming tale, except that both of them are married to other people. In her case, me.
Rex Little at February 12, 2015 10:55 PM
The men's forums rail on guys who mope over some chick who says "If I didn't already have a boyfriend, I'd SO go out with you." The hard truth is, if she's so into a guy, she'd dump the one she's with and get with the new one.
jefe at February 13, 2015 12:48 PM
Leave a comment