Meet Joe Blank
I'd really like the guy I'm dating to compliment me more. I know he's super-attracted to me, but he's not very complimentary, and it makes me feel that he doesn't think I'm pretty. How do I get him to compliment me without the awkward "Don't you think I look hot?"
--Insecure
Unfortunately, men tend to do poorly at hint-taking. So, no, you can't just stand next to the kitchen table in your cute new skirt after laying out Doritos in the shape of a question mark. But because male sexuality is visual, it's comforting to know that your boyfriend's looking across a party at you and thinking "I want you" and not "I want you to move over so I can see that hot woman behind you." And it turns out that complimenting you is actually good for him, too. Research on gratitude by psychologist Sara Algoe suggests that the stock-taking that goes into a person's expressing appreciation for their partner works as a sort of emotional Post-it note, reminding them of how good they have it. And the appreciation itself tends to leave both partners feeling more bonded and satisfied with the relationship.
Instead of fishing for a compliment in the moment -- yicky and humiliating -- take advantage of how men like to know they're making their woman happy and tell him (and remind him, if necessary) that you love hearing it when he thinks you look good. But you might also recognize that he's been complimenting you, just not in a chatty way. (As you noted, "I know he's super-attracted to me.") And sure, there are men out there who'd be far more naturally verbal about their feelings -- men who haven't exactly walked a mile in your stilettos but have a pair that looks a lot like them in size 14 extra-extra-wide.








"I know he's super-attracted to me, but" it's not ENOUGH.
have you listened to yourself? Are you saying he doesn't stroke your ego the way you expect?
What does he talk about in general, what things does he get verbose about? And then look for the non-verbal-clue™: Do his eyes drink you? Do his hands linger?
these things ARE compliments.
How is it that you will teach mister Tall, Dark and Silent to say words that you want to hear? Read that again. These are words YOU want. If you already know he's "super-attracted" to you, he is showing you somehow.
THAT is his language. Be careful not to change things that actually turn you on.
So, You can lead him to say a few things based on how you ask, and eventually he'll prolly pick something up, so you get the words you need.
Don't ask, "Do I look hot?" unless you want the answer: 'duh'
Ask: "do you think this skirt is a bit too short?" and then flash him a lil somethin'
You can laugh innocently when he stammers something... maybe as short as "wow"
Congratulations, you just temporarily shorted out his brain.
After doing an amzing smoky-eye job, get in his face and ask: "can you tell these eyes no?"
Essentially, you are leading him to say aloud things that he may have always felt, but never put in to words.
You giggling and enjoying the whole thing? There is the leadin to: "huh, when I tell her stuff, it makes her happy."
Some guys tell you stuff and others don't, but only an idiot believes that they don't feel anything. You two probably communicate quite differently, so don't ask him to do all the work, here.
This is a collaboration, not a dog training show.
SwissArmyD at June 16, 2015 5:30 PM
Dear LW:
Men do not pick up on subtle hints. Men do not pick up on OBVIOUS hints. If you'd like a man to do something, ask him plainly and directly. I know, I know, it takes all the RomanceTM out of it, takes away the image of you two as joined-at-the-brain SoulMatesTM. But believe it or not, most men are actually very good at listening and remembering precisely what you SAY (especially if they are attracted to you and want to see you nekkid). But they absolutely suck at fishing out all the nuanced desires behind the words. Treat them like an eager Labrador, you're much more likely to get your needs met.
Sincerely,
A. Man
bkmale at June 17, 2015 8:17 AM
Be careful not to change things that actually turn you on.
http://www.theonion.com/article/girlfriend-changes-man-into-someone-shes-not-inter-1507
lujlp at June 17, 2015 9:32 AM
Hot women get compliments aplenty. Any man who adds to the business-as-usual is likely to receive less appreciation than he expects. It's something recovering Nice Guys are specifically warned to NOT do. Compliments are good, but only in limited quantities.
jefe at June 17, 2015 8:19 PM
I know, you can trade him in for a guy who frequently compliments you...while he's mooching off of you...or while he's secretly screwing your sister...or while he's engaging in some other objectionable behavior that will make Mr No Compliments look good.
Erica at June 17, 2015 8:19 PM
My philosophy is that if a straight man thinks you're pretty you gotta ask a homo man if it's true.
Ppen at June 17, 2015 11:07 PM
Back, 'way back, in the day when I was loosely affiliated with the Dean of Students office at Enormous State University keeping an eye on student welfare, so to speak, people I wouldn't have thought of as friends decided they should confide in me. Something about the position, I suppose.
It was hilarious, confusing, and depressing all at once to hear women talking about how they couldn't get a guy's attention. I knew both parties in some cases and each would have been a good catch, more attractive than average, grounded, civilized, etc.
Some were acquaintances, or had dated casually and infrequently.
"Do I have to shove my [quite substantial] chest in his face?"
I also knew in some cases the guys would have been, were, interested but they didn't think the women were. Sheesh.
Richard A Aubrey at June 18, 2015 3:50 PM
A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!”
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“
JD at June 19, 2015 10:57 AM
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