Smells Like Bean Spirit
My girlfriend of a year is 51 and lovely in most areas -- except one: She often passes gas and recently started belching audibly. She is a psychotherapist, dresses nicely, and has great figure. However, she grew up in a male-dominated, military home. She thinks I'm "weird" and "overly sensitive" to be disturbed by these behaviors, but I, like most men, like the whole "feminine" thing. I now feel less attracted to her, and our sex life has diminished somewhat. I wonder whether I'm being tested in some way.
--Bummed
"Audible" is an audiobook producer; it shouldn't describe your girlfriend's butt.
Okay, so she grew up in a military family -- the lone sister trying to fit in with the "band of brothers." (Semper fffffffffft!) But that was then, and this is now. These days, if she spots some lady with 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane, I'm guessing she doesn't whip out the sat phone to order a drone strike on the woman's minivan. Likewise, you aren't unreasonable in asking her to respect the difference between free expression and too-free expression. (Your role in the relationship shouldn't be "Courage Under Fire.")
Some couples do view being gross in front of each other as an endurance test for love -- a sort of "Survivor: El Bano" -- as if they've got something so special that it transcends their seeing their beloved straining on the throne. And, sure, if you love someone and they get sick, you don't stop loving them because you're holding their hair back while they're puking their guts out. But the reality is, it's hard enough to keep the sexy alive over time when you really make an effort. As for your girlfriend's insistence on crop-dusting her way across the bedroom, way to clear a room, lady -- of all sexual attraction.
Explain to your girlfriend that of course there'll be the occasional accidental toot in yoga class. (To air is human!) But love involves treating someone as if they matter. Even when you think their concerns are "weird." (Crazy that you don't find it the height of femininity when your girlfriend interrupts sexytime with "Come on, pull my finger!")
Tell her you're hurt that your feelings don't seem to mean enough for her to curtail her behavior in the most minor way -- the way she surely does at cocktail parties and around her patients. (Please tell me that as some tearful guy tells her about his traumatic childhood, she isn't lifting a leg and letting one rip: "Wow, those nightshade vegetables really don't agree with me!")
If she keeps on keeping on, give some thought to whether she's loving enough for you to continue seeing. When you have a girlfriend who blows you away, it should probably be with her kindness, intelligence, and beauty -- and not the chimichangas she had for lunch.
Shit-test.
Pure and simple. But not a bad one, at least. Counter with: 'are you sick or something?' and see how that goes...
At some level you've just got to live with a bit of this, she is asking you if you can deal with her basic self, warts and all as they say...
toss a few sarcastic comment back, after a belch, like 'can you do the star-spangled banner?'
And maybe you'll come to an agreement on how much is too much. But beware "The Great Casualness".
Finding her inner beauty is fabu, finding that it prefers to never get dressed, and lays on the couch forever, may not be.
Perhaps the best bet is to have a light hearted chat about things that you each do that maybe irk the other a bit, and come to a consensus...
SwissArmyD at June 16, 2015 5:40 PM
This sounds like me and my husband. When he farts, it's hilarious. When I fart, it's disgusting. I never farted around him for the first 10 years we were together but it was fun for him to fart in my face. Sometimes now my farts sneak up on me - oh well. Sometimes when I have gas - not too obnoxious but persistent, I don't get out of bed. Why should I have to hide for 2 hours in the bathroom when I have been "crop dusted?"
If he doesn't think a woman should pass gas, I sure hope that he is holding himself to the same standard!
Jen at June 16, 2015 6:17 PM
Better sometimes to let them sneak out than echo in the toilet bowl.
justme at June 16, 2015 6:38 PM
You're being overly sensitive. Do you live together? Let the woman be comfortable in her own home.
whistleDick at June 17, 2015 6:34 AM
Shit test? Oh, please.
Janet C at June 17, 2015 8:21 AM
Agree with Jen. Same standards apply. When you are a guest in someone's house you take the hint as to where the bar of standard behavior is. Formal/informal, whatever. Is she relaxing her behavior because you have relaxed yours? Tighten up your own sphincter and she will likely do the same.
PSA: I don't get why some guys think farting isn't unsexy on them. Clearing a room is never ever sexy.
gooseegg at June 17, 2015 9:28 AM
Agree with gooseegg - the obnoxious belching/farting thing is simply poor manners regardless of gender. Sort of like taking giant bites of food and chewing with your mouth open - it's unsightly and gross.
I don't know why anyone would deliberately do something to try and be unattractive to their partner. I can't help that I'm getting crows feet at the corners of my eyes or that my hair is turning silver. But for godssake I'm not going to start belching loudly.
Pirate Jo at June 17, 2015 1:26 PM
It is not reasonable to assume he hypocritically exhibits the behavior without further evidence.
Treadwell at June 17, 2015 2:59 PM
Semper fffffffffft!
Brilliant, Amy!
JD at June 17, 2015 11:01 PM
I don't fart in front of my boyfriends but I make sure to wax my hairy legs and dangle the wax strips in front of their faces.
Ppen at June 17, 2015 11:04 PM
I don't fart in front of my boyfriends but I make sure to wax my hairy legs and dangle the wax strips in front of their faces.
Ppen at June 17, 2015 11:11 PM
The assumption about different standards was made because he doesn't refer to the farting as gross or rude but unfeminine.
Jen at June 18, 2015 5:48 AM
When flatulence becomes excessive and/or belching becomes frequent and loud all the time, it might be time for a trip to the doctor. She could be lactose intolerant or worse. (See http://www.medicinenet.com/intestinal_gas_belching_bloating_flatulence/page5.htm)
If she checks out health-wise, then her behavior is just rude, and I'd think the same whether male or female.
Omnibabe at June 19, 2015 2:01 PM
If I may ask a delicate question: are this woman's emissions audible, or detectable only by smell? If the former, I'd say she's being rude; it's not difficult to fart soundlessly. I've been doing it for more years than I'd guess most of the readers here have been alive.
Rex Little at June 20, 2015 8:09 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/06/smells-like-bea.html#comment-6076079">comment from Rex LittleAudible.
Amy Alkon
at June 21, 2015 6:37 AM
Shit-test.
Pure and simple. But not a bad one, at least. Counter with: 'are you sick or something?' and see how that goes...
Is it really so beta to insist that your girlfriend have some manners?
Maybe milk wouldn't make me break out if it came from telephone poles.
mpetrie98 at June 21, 2015 8:12 PM
If she's suddenly belching more, maybe there's some stomach thing going on. Is she really doing it on purpose? Or can she not hold it in?
NicoleK at June 24, 2015 12:51 AM
"Semper fffffffffft!
Brilliant, Amy!"
Agreed! Love the title too! Son's a Nirvana fan, I'll use it on him....he has the family sense of humor as far as farts go (thanks,very dear but departed Dad!). DH will let rip if he thinks it's going to be a good one :-)
" but it was fun for him to fart in my face."
A lot of guys do think it's hilarious, it can be funny, but purposely farting in someone's face, or trapping them under blankets is just going too far. That is something that would really tick me off.
crella at June 25, 2015 7:30 PM
You will no doubt be delighted that the John Boy & Billy Big Show addressed this problem in a segment called, "Ax Ike". (Bitbox = pay to play service. Rednecks they are, stupid they aren't.)
It includes just about every obnoxious euphemism for excessive exhaust flow they could think of - hilarity for the unsophisticated and a guilty pleasure for the bourgeouisie!
Radwaste at June 28, 2015 12:03 PM
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