Photo-Bomb Scare
I'm a 29-year-old woman, and I've been dating a guy for two months. I was scrolling (okay, stalking him) on Instagram and saw a pic of him with this pretty girl with her arm draped around his neck. Does monogamy just happen, or should I initiate the "commitment talk"?
--Nervous
Welcome to the place relationship dreams go to die, also known as social media. One moment, you see your relationship heading toward the town of OnlyYouville, and the next, it's looking more like a "Ten Commandments" production still of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea.
Understand why men commit: because they come to love a particular woman more than they love their freedom -- not because they've decided it would be a bore to have sex with the Pilates-teaching twins. Getting to "only you" happens after a guy starts to feel attached to you, which comes out of a combination of sexual attraction, emotional compatibility, and the sense that you have a package of qualities that he's unlikely to get from anyone else. Feeling this way takes time -- time spent together, and sometimes, a little time spent comparison shopping. Trying to rush the process is like planting a pea in the morning, yelling "GROW! GROW! GROW!" and expecting to be climbing a beanstalk by noon.
Also, even for a guy who's starting to care about you, hearing "We need to have the commitment talk" can be like hearing the starting gun at the Olympics. There are couples who get serious without ever having this icky conversation. It just happens organically. But to avoid misunderstandings, right from the start, you should be indicating your interest in getting into a relationship. No, not with strategically strewn Brides magazines or messages magic-markered across your breasts: "MARRY ME!!!" You simply drop remarks about what you want and then ask questions to draw out what a guy's up for. This allows you to get out fast if your goals aren't a match -- as opposed to getting to the four-month mark, holding him down and screaming in his face: "So what's it gonna be, buddy? You looking to start a family -- or a harem?!"
As for the woman in this photo, she could be someone to your man -- or someone standing near him when his friend was taking his picture. (People shooting photos rarely say, "Okay, you two, get as far apart as you can.") You could ask him -- and reveal that you've been going all Secret Squirrel on social media. But you could also ask yourself, simply by applying context. Look at the photo as one piece of information in the whole of your experiences with him: Is he increasingly sweet and attentive? Increasingly eager to see you? Are you starting to meet his friends? Chances are, you already have the information you need to figure out whether your relationship is going places -- without trying to conduct it at a speed that suggests your ancestry is part French, part Italian, and part cheetah.
"What Women Want" is a man who takes charge and knows that HE has to be driving the relationship. Two people can't both be in the backseat waiting for it to go all by itself. If she has to ask "Where is this relationship going?", she already knows the answer... and he has yet to realize what's expected from him.
Too bad, NObody teaches young men this basic concept.
jefe at November 17, 2015 6:13 PM
It all boils down to this - if he wants to be with you - you won't have to guess. You won't get left over scraps of time here and there. He will be attentive and "present". You won't be tempted to stalk him on Facebook. You won't be feeling desperate and insecure. Almost without fail men are not that difficult to read. That’s one of the wonderful things about them. (When they are sitting on the couch staring blankly at the television – they really ARE thinking about nothing.) As far as the picture goes ... who posted it? If the picture is on one of his friends' timeline and he's tagged, most likely nothing to worry about. If he posted the picture himself ... hmmmmmm? I could be wrong; my experience tells me that guys don't casually post pictures of themselves with women they aren't related to. After two months you shouldn't be feeling so unsure of your place in his life. Grasping and clawing for the brass (commitment) ring while you ride the merry go round distracts you from enjoying the ride. You can ALWAYS count on yourself, and you CAN be just fine on your own. The sooner you relax and radiate calm confidence the sooner you will be ready for Mr. Right to take his place at your side.
Becca B at November 18, 2015 5:13 AM
"After two months you shouldn't be feeling so unsure of your place in his life."
Becca is correct if LW and her boyfriend spend a lot of time together or if due to other 'needs' getting together requires planning ahead for infrequent 'free' time.
Otherwise, 2 months is simply not enough time to expect commitment unless dating required that expectation from both.
I expect this time frame exists only in LW's mind.
If she's his Thursday night hookup she knows it and obviously needs to make a decision/discussion if she wants more.
Bob in Texas at November 18, 2015 8:00 AM
Becca has it right, LW... if you are insecure enough to engage in cyber-stalking, then you aren't ready for a commitment. It goes both ways, you know. If you come at him with "Who was that HOT BLONDE you had your arm around in this picture?" and he says, "Um... my sister-in-law", then not only are you going to feel like a fool, but you've as much as told him, "I plan to put you in my personal jail and throw away the key". Yeah, that'll really make him anxious to make a commitment to you.
Clear your head. What are your goals in this relationship? What progress are you making? If you are looking for a spouse and it's becoming obvious that he's only interested in a hookup, then maybe it's time to move on. But do you really expect a guy to propose to you after only two months? That's really jumping the gun. If you bug him about it, it just makes you look desperate, and then either he gets turned off and pulls away, or he decides that you're an easy mark that he can keep on a string. If you really feel that you absolutely must have the Relationship Talk with him now, be prepared for the possibility that either he will dump you, or you will have to dump him. Otherwise, let it ride for a while. If you're still together after six months, then maybe you can talk about getting more serious.
And no more stalking, cyber or otherwise. If he's trustworthy, then you have nothing to fear, and any accusations you make concerning things you discovered by prying will poison the relationship. If he's not trustworthy, that will become evident soon, if it isn't already.
Cousin Dave at November 18, 2015 3:17 PM
Bob,
I agree with you. Two months is not always enough time to establish a status of “committed”. I did not mean to imply that. What I was trying to say is that after two months of “dating” (which I took to mean more than two or three dates) LW could expect to know whether or not this guy is invested in the relationship that they DO have. Phone calls, text messages, e-mails, Facetime, and Skype are all utilized by couples that really want to connect but are busy or not in close proximity. I love the fact that guys consistently put effort into the relationships they truly value. If a woman looks at the relationship objectively it isn’t difficult to tell where she stands. Men are wonderful in that when they are healthy and whole they treat the women they cherish beautifully. Healthy and whole women will recognize that and respond in kind.
Becca B at November 19, 2015 9:18 AM
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