Look Before You Keep
This guy I'm dating had a mean, demanding girlfriend, and it left him kind of a relationship-phobe. He says meeting me two months ago made him want to change that. He is loving and seems excited to be with me, except for how he introduces me -- as his "friend" or "ladyfriend." Should I be worried that he doesn't call me his girlfriend?
--Irked
It's easy to go straight to all the worst reasons for why he won't call you his girlfriend, like that it would seem disloyal to that secret wife he has stashed away in the suburbs.
However, keep in mind that a label (like "girlfriend") isn't just a word. Labels actually have power over our behavior. Research by social psychologist Elliot Aronson finds that we seem to have a powerful longing for consistency -- for things to match. So, committing to a label tends to make us feel obligated to follow through with the behavior that goes with it -- and never mind figuring out whether it's what we really want.
Give the guy some time. He's (understandably!) slow to do a cannonball into a new relationship, but you say he is "loving" and seems "excited" to be with you. So, sure, he may still be on the fence, but he doesn't seem to be on the run. Until his answer to "What are we doing here?" is no longer "Not sure yet," you might ask him to drop the likes of "ladyfriend" and just use your name -- charming as it is to be introduced with what sounds like 19th-century code for "two-dollar hooker."
If he can pull off "ladyfriend" with everyone keeping a straight face, you got to give him credit.
Stephan at February 23, 2016 6:11 PM
Women seem to have an instinct about letting the man drive the relationship. Too bad, most men don't know what this means, hence the perpetual question "Where is this relationship going?" Getting a clearly printed label stuck on it means a lot to women, it equates with "commitment"... the C Word! When he understands how to take the wheel (she might have to say something here), plan the trip and so on, it takes away her doubts.
jefe at February 23, 2016 7:07 PM
Where do you find them two-dollar ones? Asking for a friend.
Jesper at February 24, 2016 2:17 AM
Jesper gets my vote "Internet User" of the day!
(Anybody ever see the movie "Milk Money?)
Bob in Texas at February 24, 2016 6:05 AM
Had they been dating a year, or even six months, this might be troubling.
But have they even been dating for two months? Its been two months since they first MET.
lujlp at February 24, 2016 8:02 AM
Normally, it is the women who are into the Hippy Dippy stuff. Crystals, astrology, various belief systems which are pretty heavy on the emotions.
But in one aspect, women are hard eyed mercantilists, and men are Eastern Philosophers, not wanting to put labels on what a relationship IS and just let it BE, while women sometimes feel like contract lawyers or perhaps Human Resource personal who fetishize about job titles.
"Get them to sign on the line that is dotted!"
Anyone else channeling Alec Baldwin?
FIDO at February 25, 2016 12:24 PM
He isn't a relationship-phobe. You're just the rebound.
Ppen at February 26, 2016 8:09 AM
I must be living in the 19th century. Because I actually think "ladyfriend" sounds less demeaning than "girlfriend."
Or would rather be introduced as a "girl" instead of a "lady," Amy?
And fix your spam-preventing question. I keep typing that milk comes from the grocery store, but it won't let me post.
Patrick at February 27, 2016 7:16 PM
Ladyfriend, yes. Friend... he wants the person he is addressing to think of him as single. He is keeping is options open.
NicoleK at February 28, 2016 7:03 AM
Huh, Ladyfriend doesn't sound hookery to me. It does sound like how an older person might introduce their SO. But it sounds like an SO. "Friend" does not
NicoleK at February 28, 2016 7:04 AM
Again, two months since the moment they met, no timeline on how long they've actually been "dating"
lujlp at February 28, 2016 7:40 AM
I'm w/lujlp on the "meeting me two months ago" thing.
Unless her def of "girlfriend" is like "going steady" in 5th grade, then she's in trouble 'cause he's clueless about how important that is.
(Maybe Amy should call him up and tell him to run before it's too late. LW sounds like she's picking out place settings.)
Bob in Texas at February 28, 2016 3:48 PM
If someone referred to me as his "ladyfriend," I would crack up and hope it was a Big Lebowski reference.
I'm not sure what I'd do if I found out it wasn't.
Beth Cartwright at February 29, 2016 7:33 AM
Leave a comment