Splendor In The Crash
My boyfriend recently got laid off and lost a bunch of money in stocks. Yesterday, feeling blue, he said, "Can't anything good happen for me?" (Gee, thanks. Guess I'm nothing good.) I know he's talking about financial and career stuff, but we have something pretty special together. Why is he focusing on the bad stuff and not appreciating the good? Money isn't everything.
--Undervalued
A guy likes to have a way to buy his woman dinner that doesn't involve a ski mask and a sawed-off shotgun.
No, money isn't everything, but that can be difficult to remember while panicking that you'll soon be raiding the market share of the wino on the corner begging for change. Also, because women evolved to go for men with status (a cue for the ability to provide) and men coevolved to recognize this, it can be especially hard on a man when his career trajectory goes from riches to rags.
However, emotions are -- at root -- behavior management tools, and the feel-bad that comes with a loss in status pushes a man to go out and get a new job and make new investments. Without that motivation, that couch in Grandma's basement can start looking like an extremely attractive place to be from 9 to 5. And 5 to 9: "Yo, Gram, can you throw down another bag of Doritos?"
What you can do is be fierce in telling your boyfriend why you believe in him and about all the things you respect and admire in him (especially those that employers will also respect and admire). This is the sort of "appreciating the good" that he needs -- especially if he gets to the point where he's driving a brand-new Tesla but only until he gets a $2 tip for bringing it back to the guy who owns it.
Perhaps this is judging her too harshly, but LW strikes me as a tad self-absorbed. Her boyfriend just lost his job and investments and she's sniffing, "Why isn't he focused on me?"
Well, I note his choice of words, "Can't anything good happen for me?" She didn't just happen. She was already there. He's obviously bemoaning a sudden spate of bad luck.
Patrick at August 30, 2016 9:20 PM
I agree, Patrick. I also believe that a lot of people who can just breezily go on about how "money isn't everything" or "doesn't matter" have never actually had real financial stress.
Ahw at August 31, 2016 7:25 AM
Being down about job loss and stock loss is normal (unless you are stoned) but we don't "know" if LW is valued by her boyfriend or not.
Part of "growing up" is learning that financial loss is temporary and awful while it lasts.
Having a good relationship with friends/significant other is exceptionally important and valuable, but it takes maturity and "steel" in the spine to place that value above "how do I put food/heat in my home for my family" when funds are gone.
This situation is "normal" in your '20's and devastating when you are over 45.
Bob in Texas at August 31, 2016 1:16 PM
Consider all the stoner/loser/prison inmate types whose women are totally loyal, willing to spend all THEIR money for their men's bad habits... what do those creeps have that melts a woman's panties? LW's man has genuine Value--speaking strictly from a man's viewpoint-- he has everything it takes to bring home the bacon.
"What Women Want" is a man who makes them FEEL, which is often a talent possessed more by Jerks and Bad Boys than hard working Nice Guys. These guys have what's better described as FALSE Value, but when a woman pays more attention to how he makes her feel than what he has in long term staying power, it's obvious who she'll pick... and once she's emotionally invested in him, she'll hang on for dear life, regardless what toll it takes on her own life.
LW seems to have genuine feelings for her guy, so he's not in danger of losing her, but he doesn't realize this. Right Now could be the opportunity for them to practice spending quality time together and remember why they chose each other in the first place.
jefe at August 31, 2016 3:19 PM
Article below makes jefe's point
"I told him I knew he spent money on weed instead of on me. Normally it doesn’t bother me when he smokes weed, but it hurts to know he’s spending money he doesn’t have on pot, rather than paying my money back, or celebrating my birthday.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/ask-amy-age-gap-and-wage-gap-frustrate-girlfriend/2016/08/23/3bf3b970-664e-11e6-8b27-bb8ba39497a2_story.html?tid=pm_lifestyle_pop_b
Bob in Texas at September 1, 2016 6:01 AM
I sometimes say 'Money isn't everything, but it is something important'. Money shouldn't be your top priority. But it should still be a pretty high one. It won't take care of itself on its own. And having food is a big deal.
Ben at September 3, 2016 8:23 PM
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