Stray It Forward
I'm a single guy who started a "friends with benefits" thing two months ago with an unhappily married female co-worker. We've since developed feelings for each other and started talking about a future. I'm worried because people always say, "If she cheated with you, she'll cheat on you." And because she's unhappy with her husband, does that mean she'll eventually be unhappy with me and see it as reason to cheat?
--Hesitant
There are many people who cross ethical lines at work, but most of them just do it by taking home Post-its or a stapler.
Okay, sure, have a FWB thing, but with a married co-worker? What happened -- too overworked to swipe right on Tinder? And as for why your co-worker started, uh, outsourcing her sex life, there's an assumption that people cheat because they're in crappy marriages or relationships. And maybe her marriage is unhappy. But infidelity researcher Shirley Glass found that even people in happy, loving marriages can end up cheating. They do this for a variety of reasons: more sex, better sex, different sex (men especially go for variety), or sometimes just because "she isn't bad-looking and there's an empty office with a big couch two doors down."
As for whether this woman would cheat on you, that depends on whether she's the sort of person who cheats. And no, that isn't as idiotic as it sounds. Evolutionary psychologists David Buss and Todd Shackelford found that there are personality traits common to people susceptible to cheating. One of the strongest predictors is "narcissism" -- a personality trait marked by self-importance, self-absorption, a profound sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy.
Another big predictor is "low conscientiousness," reflected in unreliability, disorganization, laziness, and a lack of self-control. And finally, there's the unfortunately Norman Batesy-sounding "high psychoticism" -- researcher-ese for a mix of aggressiveness, impulsivity, and an inability to delay gratification. Sound like anybody you've met in the janitor's closet recently?
Even if this woman checks out personalitywise, you'll have a much clearer picture of what's possible after she gets divorced. That is, if she gets divorced -- if this thing with you doesn't turn out to be "affair-apy" (a little sexual tide-me-over until she can patch things up with her husband). Regardless, you should take the time -- a year or more -- to parse who she really is and whether she and her husband are simply two (irreconcilably) different people or whether he just watches a wee bit too much ESPN when he comes home. If you're lucky, you'll find these things out from her, and not in some awkward moment at the end of the workday when you finally get a chance to, uh, chat with her husband -- through the windshield as you're clinging to the hood of his moving car.
I'm willing to give cheaters a pass for two reasons
One, they are in a loving relationship they dont want to leave with a partner incapable of meeting their physical needs
Two, they are in a relationship they can not afford to leave with a partner who has no intention of meeting their physical needs
So, given she is talking about leaving him for you she qualifies for neither of these two categories, UNLESS her youngest kid is about to turn 16, 17, or 18
lujlp at August 23, 2016 9:20 PM
"...does that mean she'll eventually be unhappy with me and see it as reason to cheat?"
Yep. Bet the farm.
bkmale at August 24, 2016 7:01 AM
You should definitely shit where you eat. It's very hygienic.
NicoleK at August 24, 2016 11:03 AM
Cheating with someone 1) married and 2) at work.
Insane.
Guys like this end up with a bullet in the brain.
Chester White at August 25, 2016 3:15 AM
I want to disagree with the idea that narcissism is about self-importance, etc. Read Richard Restak's "The Self Seekers", a guide to understanding narcissists. He calls it a personality disorder, marked by LOW self esteem, masked by a facade of self importance. It's a compensation trick, but the person never really outgrows using it as a crutch. These people tend to be manipulators, and everyone they meet is a potential victim, to be lured into a trap and then be punished for their own stupidity--at not seeing the narcissist for what s/he really is. The Chinese have a saying "Cutting off other people's heads in order to appear taller." Narcissists often have fragmented personalities, where the roles they take on in life have no connection to each other. Restak's example of this was the woman who despised men for seeing her as a sex object, but she saw no contradiction between that and her job as a Playboy bunny. That's when I flipped to the back cover to see who this author is, and how did he know a woman I was involved around? He's from the other side of the country, so he can't know her...
jefe at August 25, 2016 2:56 PM
jefe:
I would say that Restak is full of shit. Narcissists do not suffer from low self-esteem. They simply see the world as made up of two types: 1) the overwhelming majority is simply fodder to be used and exploited as the second category sees fit; and 2) the very few, elite, to which the narcissist belongs.
A narcissist simply believes that they are somehow special and superior, and should be recognized as such.
Patrick at August 25, 2016 6:11 PM
Is anyone else wondering if maybe this woman should ask the same question about the LW, who clearly has no issues with violating social boundaries at a whim?
But let's take away the issue of morality and go to the wisdom of dipping one's pen in the company ink? I mean...no way THAT can go wrong, is there?
He isn't cheating on a spouse, but he certainly is taking something which isn't his in an immoral way. And he is unwise.
So they are well matched.
FIDO at August 25, 2016 8:13 PM
Patrick-- You're correct on narcissists, but Restak has more to say about low self esteem types... He includes "cutters", who may excel at life in general, then go home and slice themselves out of despair. LSE types are often OVER achievers, who still never feel quite good enough-- my dad was this way, and I had a client whose neurosurgeon ex-husband probably was also. Reading about George S Patton makes me think he was in the same category.
jefe at August 26, 2016 3:04 PM
I'm worried because people always say, "If she cheated with you, she'll cheat on you."
I'd say the chances are greater than 50% -- perhaps more like 75% -- but they're definitely not 100%.
JD at August 26, 2016 4:41 PM
"I'm a single guy who started a "friends with benefits" thing two months ago ..."
Two months. They deserve each other. Sure it will work out for the best. (Snort)
Bob in Texas at August 27, 2016 4:28 PM
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