This letter begs for a Middle Class Obamacare Analogy (Yes, it has helped some people. I am not talking about them): He is getting the same damned insurance, but the price for it has suddenly gone up and is a lot more difficult to deal with.

So, to mangle a metaphor, he better see a vast upgrade in his cable experience (and I don't mean just sex).

You want more from him. He better be getting more from you, and not just the opportunity to bask in your presence.

Do you want to offer more? CAN you offer more?

While Amy laid out some generalities, here is a tactic: "Hey, I have this boring grown up thing and I need someone to be my arm candy and keep me from wanting to shoot myself. Your name came up on the top of the list. Wanna come?"

DRESS THE FUCK UP! Nail Polish. Make up. Hair. You need to be as alluring as you possibly can (and try to make the venue fun.)

"But...that is a lot of work!" HE should be doing the heavy lifting over something YOU want to upgrade?

He needs to see that grown up socializing has benefits. If you MUST pair up with your girlfriends (Don't. We really don't care. I can barely name three of my wife's friends All we see are either women to lust over, or trouble makers who are going to make us miserable. They are guilty until proven fun in Man Court) pick the least bitchy and most easy going of the bunch. Who cares if THEY are boring? They are bridesmaids. They are SUPPOSED to be boring.

So unlike my insurance policy, you better show that there is a substantial upgrade of service to go along with the increase in cost (which is why Obama...and many women, rely on a mandate instead of volunteering. It is a tough sell)

Good Luck, LW

"...but we have gotten much closer since."

Please LW, make double-damn-sure that "we" == (you AND him), not "we" == (you AND (social_pressure OR baby_rabies OR whatever)). Would be pretty humiliating when you finally get the wedding all planned out, only he's just fine with the status quo.

One more thought - if he doesn't want a relationship and you do, stop sleeping with him.

It isn't just to "incentivize" him or whatever. It's also because if you want a relationship, you want one. If he's not going to give one to you, you're almost certainly better off finding someone who will and most people who want a relationship aren't especially interested in someone who's boinking someone else.

Lia nailed it and her advice might actually be what you need to do.

"Baby, I need to stop seeing you because I've begun to want more."

If he asks "What more do you want?" He's nibbling on the hook. Then no sex, FIDO his ass, and hook him!

If he says "Okay.". You dodged a bullet and stopped wasting your time on a "not gonna happen" situation.

"Ladder Theory" regularly gets bashed by non-believers who try to rebut it, and then say something that proves it after all.
Basically, LT says that women have TWO "Ladders" that they assign their friendships to: "Just Friends" on one, and sex partners on their "Real Ladder".
Any man who takes the bait to climb to the top of her Friends Ladder is wasting his time.
According to LT, a FWB situation is the ultimate goal of climbing her REAL Ladder. He can do no better!

There is nothing intrinsically wrong in wanting a real relationship and upgrading. I think it's sweet that she now cares for him enough to want more (provided it is 'she cares for him a lot more' and not 'I want to get Mom off my ass and since I didn't hook that dreamboat in Western Civilization 204, I better grab this guy before 30.')

And relationships are better for men too. But she better be correct at them deepening their relationship. She IS risking a lot of personal humiliation if she offers and he declines.

Frankly, she has an uphill climb. From male divorce horror stories, to lack of 'incentives', to having a whole industry of women screaming at men that 'I don't need men to be happy', to the much lower cost allure of porn and video games (100% of the endorphin rush with a quarter the bitching) and he is likely leery as Hell.

Heck. He might not even KNOW how to have a relationship.

She needs to show that it isn't a rather uncertain gamble where the odds are not in his favor.

And in case you missed it Bob, she needs to bring more.

Does SHE know how to be in a relationship?

FIDO,
I didn't "miss it". I just assumed (I know) that this is all she's got. She's given away the ultimate gift (intimacy) thinking it was just scratching an itch.

I got your point but believe that in reality there's nothing more she can do except ask THE QUESTION.

Odds are he thinks he is in a RELATIONSHIP. LOL!

Wonder what the odds are that men in a FWB "relationship" do move to commitment or marriage.

Anyone know? I would guess that 20 - 30 yo do not and 30+ to 40'ish do. 50+ split out evenly.

Dear Hoping, It is natural to want "more" from the man you are sleeping with. I recommend you take a break for 4-8 weeks and be sure that this is, in fact, a man you want a relationship with. You have to let the hormones clear before you can make a wise decision. Go ahead and date other men. (I mean date in the traditional sense, not as a euphemism for "sleep with.")

Say to Mr. FWB something like, "I'm at a point in my life where I am ready for a real relationship with long-term potential. We can be friends, but the sex is going to stop. I am going to be dating and need to be free from attachments."

This will be hard at first. You can do it. Two months later you will see things differently.

And everything Lia said.

Dear Fraulein,

Well, while I understand your reasoning, and even agree with quite a bit of it (is she in love or is she just getting her oxytocin rush? Does she care?), here is a tiny little problem with this solution.

I go to the corner store and the cute counter lady always gives me a smile, a wink and my bottle of Dr. Pepper for a quarter. I know that isn't what it costs, but she is offering and I am taking.

YOUR version of the 'brush off' is I come in one day and she tells me 'You can't come in the store anymore, but you can walk by it.'

WTF!

Now, if I came in the store and was told that I now needed to pay full price for the Dr. Pepper, well, that at least leaves the ball in my court. Is she really as cute as all that? Since I am paying full price, do I want to try the store down the street with different flavors? How cute is the counter girl again? HE has some control as well.

"Let's Be Friends" now means to men (Or at least me): "Even though I'm the creator of this drama, I don't want you to be weird about this and so I am saying this to absolve myself of responsibility for all the emotional pain by offering you false hope."

For me, it means "Delete Number". Some guys will wait. Some.

I think there are better ways to go.

FIDO,
What's your point? What are the "better ways to go"?

If she keeps giving it out for free the guy will probably do the minimum necessary to keep her in the sack. It's what guys do. Doing more plus the sex just increases the "benefits". It's all "play" unless one of them decides different.

There is no "offering you false hope". The lady defines the parameters of the conditions necessary to sleep with her. The guy either meets those conditions or does not.

Obviously you are "friends" with more women than you sleep with (unless you are thinking like Zeus). Some of these friends are checking you out and most are not.

At different stages in their life most guys just want to get laid. Maybe learning/practicing their "skills", maybe just getting an itch scratched, or maybe hopping it will turn into permanent.

You gotta talk, you gotta listen, and you gotta be on guard. Players play and you might not even know you are in a game. She's just wondering if/how she should change the game and what the new "rules" are.

Again, doing more plus the sex just increases the "benefits". It's all "play" unless one of them decides different and states so.

Perhaps I am reading her wrong, but I thought that Fraulein said 'Shut down the Bouncy House and abandon this guy for 2 months while she gets her head on straight'. Oh yes, and lays a quintessential 'and we are breaking up' line on him as she walks out the door.

This seems perfectly fine advice if she wanted to shed unwanted baggage and 'get a real relationship'. However, the way I read it, she wants HIM in her relationship, not random guy with a penis.

I rent an apartment. Occasionally, the landlord raises the rent. But his opening bid for raising the rent is not to throw me on the street for two months so I miss the apartment more and him telling me he will think about letting me back in. We have a CONVERSATION about price increases.

So if the LW wants a relationship with Bouncing Boy, this tactic is sending all kinds of the wrong messages and making a difficult transition even more unpleasant and unlikely.

Better way? "I really like you a lot. A LOT. And I want to think about that. I want you to stay RIGHT HERE so when I clear my head of these sex hormones, I can come back and find you. And you can think about how much you like me. So if you don't like me a lot, you let me know. I like what we have a lot but I want to spend MORE time with you, not just these pieces of you. See if what we are together is even better. I think I want to give that a try. But this is a lot to dump on both of us, so we are taking a very short break."

There! Bam. I like you. I need to see if I like you even if I'm not sexing you. You need to make a choice too and I am not pressuring you.

Positive complimentary message without making it seem like he is being drop kicked off the team as she goes freelance with 'we can still be friends'.

GAH. That phrase makes the hair on the back of my neck raise up.

She's given away the ultimate gift (intimacy)

There are only three types of men who believe sex it the ultimate gift, they are in order from largest to smallest in the population

Those who are only interested in sex, and will fuck anyone willing, and couldnt care less about what more she says she wants

Those who have never been in a relationship

Those who are astonishingly lucky to have always had GOOD relationships

I can get sex from my hand, so it can not possibly be the ultimate gift

No, the ultimate gift a woman can give an man is to be a true partner, to put up with his insane shit like he puts up with hers.

To not not take some small weakness they once shared with you and use it as a weapon in a fight because you want to inflict pain.

The ultimate gift any human can give another is to treat them with kindness and dignity

"Wonder what the odds are that men in a FWB "relationship" do move to commitment or marriage.

Anyone know? I would guess that 20 - 30 yo do not and 30+ to 40'ish do. 50+ split out evenly."

Essentially nil by my understanding. 20s or 50s doesn't appear to matter. If you are in a FWB relationship there is a less than 10% chance it will move on to marriage. Not truly 0%, but close enough for me to be the same.