Born Jesterday
I'm a 27-year-old guy, and I'm not very funny. I know women like a guy with a sense of humor, so I was interested in these "Flirt Cards" with funny messages that I saw on Kickstarter. You write your number on the back and give the card to a woman you'd like to meet. Good idea or bad for breaking the ice?
--Single Dude
Using a pre-printed card to hit on the ladies makes a powerful statement: "I'm looking for a kind woman to nurse me back to masculinity."
Asking a woman out isn't just a way to get a date; it's a form of display. Consider that women look for men to show courage. (The courage to unwrap a pack of cards doesn't count.) And mutely handing a woman some other guy's humor on a card is actually worse than using no humor at all -- save for extenuating circumstances, like if it were the Middle Ages and you'd had your tongue cut out for unseemly behavior with the earl's livestock (again).
Consider evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller's "mating mind" hypothesis -- the notion that "our minds evolved not just as survival machines, but as courtship machines." Miller explains that the mind acts as a "fitness indicator" -- a sort of advertising agency for a person's genetic quality (among other things). Humor is a reliable (hard-to-fake) sign of genetic quality -- reflecting high intelligence, creative problem-solving ability, and a lack of mutations that would handicap brain function.
But it isn't just any old humor that women find attractive. Any guy can memorize a joke. Accordingly, in a study of the pickup lines men use on women, psychologists Christopher Bale and Rory Morrison "distinguish wit (spontaneous jokes that fit the context exactly, are genuinely funny, and require intelligence) from mere humor (the pre-planned jokes and one-liners which ... do not demonstrate intelligence)."
Anthropologist Gil Greengross, who studies humor and laughter from an evolutionary perspective, suggests that even a guy who's lame at humor should at least take a run at being funny: "The risk of not even trying to make women laugh may result in losing a mating opportunity." I disagree -- though only in part. If you're unfunny, trying to force the funny is like bragging, "Hey! I'm low in social intelligence!"
However, you shouldn't let being unfunny stop you from hitting on a woman. What you can do is be spontaneously and courageously genuine. Just put yourself out there and say hello to her and acknowledge and even laugh at any awkwardness on your part. This isn't to say you should give up entirely on using pre-printed notes. Save them for special occasions -- those when your message to a woman is something like "Stay calm and put all the money in the bag."
According to some self-styled experts, women don't like a guy because he makes them laugh--they laugh at his wit because they like him. The exact same words, spoken by someone they've already decided is a creep, would leave them cold.
I don't know that this is true, but it makes sense to me. I'm highly intelligent and witty (according to people who had no reason to flatter me) but have gotten mostly refusals in my life when asking for a first or second date.
Rex Little at April 11, 2017 6:18 PM
To Rex and the LW,
1) Unless you are Brad Pitt (not a look alike) you will get more refusals than you like. Period. Why would it be any other way?
2) The environment that you are in plays a much bigger part of your success than you do. A club w/loud noise, drinking, LOTS of guys looking at them like a piece of meat (some girls will like that and some will not), and such is not a place where a first impression means much (more important is what is going on in her head).
3) If you do not have several social events where PEOPLE can get to know you in an environment where you are actually seen, heard, and observed unknowingly, THEN simply ask every lady that gives you the time of day "Say, I have a few minutes and would like to buy you a cup of coffee, tea, or whatever." Your odds of success improves w/numbers in your sample.
Bob in Texas at April 12, 2017 5:40 AM
This is a stupid idea for a couple of reasons.
One- If you want to talk/text with the lady, you need to get her number. Giving a lady your number and skittering off makes you look like weinie.
Two- Pre-printed cards? Won't she feel special! Nothing warms a pretty girl's heart than knowing she is one of 100 ladies who've gotten one.
Ahw at April 12, 2017 10:17 AM
Good lord, LW, go for the cards!
You'll make the rest of us look awesome by comparison. Awesome!!
Thanks buddy!
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at April 12, 2017 4:32 PM
Being comfortable with yourself and enjoying what you do in life is WAYY more attractive than jokes. Be okay with silence, be confident
Mary at April 12, 2017 8:40 PM
Ha! That is perfect on a card. "Don't you feel special that I had hundreds of these inept cards written up,..." and then have a list of about 6 handwritten names with hers the only one not crossed off.
If that doesn't get a chuckle out of her, I don't want to know her.
**
I sort of agree with Rex. Women want a HANDSOME guy with a sense of humor. Women, like men, can't see your inner 'goodness'.
My advice?
Six hours at the gym per week. And if you aren't sore the next day, you aren't doing it right. An added 5 pounds of muscle (easily done in a year) will change your life.
Read. EVERYTHING. If you can't be witty, at least you can try for urbane and worldly. Don't bother with women's magazines unless you want to be one of the girls. Current events and culture. (though as a viciously and willfully uninformed person, I can tell you if you are able to pull 'handsome' enough, they don't seem to care...so what does that say?)
Get a personal shopper to update your wardrobe. No, you aren't (likely) doing it right (if you were, you'd get compliments). Yes, it really matters. I would suggest giving her a 'price per piece' so you don't 'fake signal' wealth (I frequently hear women mocking '$30,000 millionaires'. Don't be that guy.)
If you can afford $30 shirts, tell her that so she isn't outfitting you at Brooks Brothers at $100 a pop. But be flexible on the cost. Fewer good items will do better than more 'so so' pieces. Spend on the shoes! (Says the guy looking at his black sneakers...so don't get too crazy)
Consider this 'dressing class', learn what you can and then apply your lessons.
OR, if you are cheap, read a few books! Google 'Style Guides' or 'Male Fashion Advice'.
As you feel more confident, you will develop your own sense of wit. And as you get more attractive, you'll find more girls think it's funny.
FIDO at April 13, 2017 1:50 AM
FIDO nailed it at least for me personally.
It's like a Lego set. All the bits and pieces come together gradually, especially if you do not overspend on anything (gym, clothes, car) although classic shoes really are worth the money. (I have a pair of dance shoes that may be as old or older than most of the people posting here. (Constant re-soling).)
If you find a pretty mature saleslady you are golden if you are honest with her about cost and comfort. (Think of it like having a car that is dependable and does not leak when it rains. Confidence that you have done the "right" things sets up for the constant negative answers you get before you get "SURE!".)
Bob in Texas at April 13, 2017 7:29 AM
It is possible to cultivate a sense of humor. It is a lifelong endeavor, and it's not going to help you tomorrow. Watch funny shows and stand-up comics. My best teachers were The Simpsons and Seinfeld (you can guess how old I am). Humor comes from intelligence and creativity like Amy said. It also requires optimism, observation, and risk. Many of your attempts at humor will fall flat or be misunderstood.
What Fido said can help you in the immediate future while you are becoming an irrepressible wit.
FrauleinGretel at April 13, 2017 7:55 AM
Putting a tremendous amount of time into changing into someone else sounds awful. And I hate the gym. I say find an active hobby like a club that does hiking, running, biking, social dance, etc. Meet people. Be friends first. Don't be desperate.
JT at April 13, 2017 9:04 AM
What JT said. Bonus: you'll meet women you actually like, not just women whose looks you like.
MarkD at April 13, 2017 9:44 AM
What JT said.
Most guys (and girls) could use a little 'retweaking' of their self analysis of what League they are actually playing in.
AND...
If 'being the real him' was working for him, he wouldn't be here in the first place, would he?
"You need to love me for whom I am...all 300 pounds of me AND my mustard covered Metallica tee shirt"
'Be who you are' can be used as an excuse to make zero effort at putting your best foot forward. A few new shirts and a chest to put inside them are not exactly personality changing.
Trust me, down the road, that SO will see the real you, in all the pathetic eye booger magic that you are in the light of dawn. You can't hide it. But you can dress it up a little bit with really little effort. No more than 5% of your week and a few hundred dollars a quarter.
OR, he could rewatch GOT for the 10th time and 'keep it real'.
I would suggest the LW pay attention to Dusty Springfield and her song "Wishing and Hoping" for a better take.
FIDO at April 13, 2017 3:28 PM
Walk over to the woman, make eye contact, smile, and ask, "How was your day?". And LISTEN. Ask intelligent but not nosy questions.
Neat and clean are more important than movie star looks. Your enthusiasm is more important than money to any worthwhile woman.
Trust me ! I'm probably older than your grandmother, and life has taught me a few things.
Elizabeth Falkner at April 14, 2017 6:27 AM
Stop worrying about picking up WOMEN and work on picking up PEOPLE.
The most attractive person in the room is the one who's chatting up the old ladies, the old guys, the bartenders (if you're at a bar), all the regulars, the new folks, the quiet awkward folks, EVERYONE. The person everyone is glad to see when they walk in the door.
The least attractive person is the one approaching only the ladies he's attracted to. Double the unattractiveness factor if he's handing them weird cards.
If you're not a natural social butterfly and don't find people that interesting, fake it by striking up conversations with other wallflowers. If you're not funny, double down on being genuine and kind (not "nice," there's a difference).
sofar at April 14, 2017 8:56 AM
Thumbs up, Elizabeth.
FrauleinGretel at April 14, 2017 12:13 PM
Dear LW,
When you have tried neat, clean and enthusiastic, and you get frienzoned a lot (if not blatantly shot down)?
Maybe you try some of my advice. Because women want 'and'. They like all that stuff Elizabeth said AND if you happen to be fit too, BONUS. Why not try to be the bonus, since you are a bit short of the humor?
(Though how 'neat and clean' and 'new wardrobe' aren't similar, I'm not sure. And 'worthwhile women' sounds very much like a 'No True Scotsman' fallacy)
That 'enthusiasm thing'? As stated, when Granny Liz was a slip of a girl, all her jitterbugging swains of yestercentury would probably have been guilty of modern stalking laws, so enthuse with caution.
FIDO at April 15, 2017 12:04 PM
re: rejection
You must kiss a lot of princesses to find on who likes frogs
tmitsss at April 16, 2017 7:31 AM
If humor isn't your strong point, I wouldn't focus on that point and don't worry about and obsess on this particular thing, rather, I agree with FIDO's advice, focus on having/developing other strengths, e.g. go to gym, eat healthy, dress better, practice confidence ('fake it until you make it') ... a guy who's confident and/or looking great from regular gym doesn't need a great sense of humor to attract women. That's what I did .. I accept I'm not the funniest guy, I'm naturally pretty serious, but I look fit/healthy and dress sharp, and many women like that.
"... women don't like a guy because he makes them laugh--they laugh at his wit because they like him"
Hmm .. I've seen very ugly guys who are also genuinely funny, and as a result they have success with women that seems surprising given their looks, I think in a way the humor almost 'compensates' for their looks. And it becomes self-fulfilling, because having success with women makes you more attractive to other women (and boosts your confidence etc. in general, which women like).
Lobster at April 20, 2017 8:37 AM
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