"How Do I Love Three?"
I'm a 40-something woman, living with my 50-something male partner. Our relationship is slightly open, in that every Tuesday, we each go out separately and "do whatever with whomever." I have lived up to my part of this, but I recently discovered that my partner has not. On Tuesdays, he stays home by himself. Beyond being irritated that he's effectively been lying, I feel weird being the only one doing the open relationship thing. How do I get him to live up to our agreement?
--Poly-Annoyed
There's no fun like mandated fun. What's next, holding him at gunpoint and demanding that he enjoy miniature golf?
Chances are, his lying and your feeling "weird" that things aren't all even-steven in the sexual snacking domain come out of the same place -- the evolution of cooperation and the sense of fairness that fostered it. Fairness comes down to how benefits or resources get divided between people -- whether in a balanced or imbalanced way. We evolved to get all freaked out about imbalances -- even when they're in our favor -- explain population biologist Sarah Brosnan and primatologist Frans de Waal. In fact, we are driven to equalize things "to our own detriment." But, don't get too misty-eyed about human moral nobility. They point out that it's in our self-interest to take the long view -- trying to avoid being perceived as unfair, which could kill the possibility of "continued cooperation" between ourselves and a partner.
Understanding the likely evolutionary psychology behind your feeling upset could help you focus on why your partner is saying (a silent) "nope!" to the sex buffet. My guess? He loves you and wants you to have what you need. And he doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable about going out and getting it -- even if the only taboo things he's doing in bed are allowing the dog on it and clipping his fingernails and letting them ricochet around the room.
I don't get the Tuesday nights only (esp. considering work on Wed. comes awful early). I mean is this the Ladies Night at the local bar w/line dancing?
I can see that necessary in order to meet new people but that's not much time for anything other than a hookup w/o a weekend a month.
Bob in Texas at April 19, 2017 5:35 AM
OP suffers from the nutty delusion that just because she can get laid at the drop of a hat, her 50+ male partner can.
She's the one slutting around and she's irritated at HIM. Comical.
That poor guy. Geez, what a doormat.
Chester White at April 19, 2017 5:36 AM
I disagree with Chester. I am a 50-something woman involved with a 60-something man. His expectation is that I do go out and get laid with someone else - and it is NOT because he cannot perform or does not want to perform. It takes the pressure off both - that we must each be all things to the other.
LW needs to accept that he is content to stay home while she is out and about - be grateful that she has the freedom.
BeeBopAReeBop at April 19, 2017 7:53 AM
I think Chester's on to something. It's so much easier for women to get action. Generally, if a woman is available to hook up, there's a willing taker. Not so much the case with a dude.
I don't necessarily think he's a doormat, but I can absolutely see prefering to have some quiet time at home rather than going out to chase middle-aged bar sluts knowing that your chance of success is on the low end.
Ahw at April 19, 2017 9:07 AM
"Open"? Yeah, her orifices are, but that's about it. What a train wreck.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at April 19, 2017 9:48 AM
FWIW, I'm friends with a couple who have a similarly open relationship (just with the genders reversed) where they're both technically free to do whatever, but the guy regularly has casual relationships with other women while the woman doesn't.
For a while, dude thought that girlfriend was testing him. Then I think he realized that she just likes spending a few nights a week reading on her phone without anyone to bug her. It's not my relationship cup of tea, but they do both seem happy.
Mahkara at April 19, 2017 11:40 AM
It's so much easier for women to get action. Generally, if a woman is available to hook up, there's a willing taker. Not so much the case with a dude.
Word. There are exceptions of course, but in general a woman can get all the sex she wants, and then some. A man wants all the sex he can get, and then some more.
Rex Little at April 19, 2017 3:30 PM
To misquote Tolstoy, every monogamous relationship is monogamous in the same way, but every open relationship is unique. For instance, some nights that my husband spends at his girlfriend's place, I plan to spend at my boyfriend's (and vice versa). Sometimes I just revel in having the house to myself, spending all night eating popcorn and binge-watching Netflix rather than wanting to go out and bang anyone else, no matter how attractive they might be.
Some couples have an "only if I'm involved and it's a 3-way" rule. Some have a "don't ask don't tell, only if I'm out of town" rule. I can totally see a "Tuesdays is our day to see other partners" rule . . . but demanding your spouse always be in the mood to get it on with other folks when you are instead of choosing to party down at home with nobody but Orville Reddenbacher and Stranger Things is just . . . weirdly disrespectful.
I mean, not disrespectful like Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers who if I recall correctly has in the past noted his/her/their distaste for me, my friends and loved ones, and everything I stand for. But, ya know, normal person style disrespectful. :-)
Anathema at April 19, 2017 3:43 PM
Oh, one other thing. Absolutely agree that it's easier for women to get laid than it is for men, but I've been impressed at how much play my husband get from OKCupid (this is a 51-year-old married guy without a lot of money--I work in the arts, he's a teacher--who I mean I think he's adorable but he's no Johnny Depp.) I think online dating vs. the bar pickup scene is the key . . . easier to filter out those who aren't interested in married folks, or who want a sugar daddy, or whatever. So, I guess, there's hope for the 51-year-old dudes out there! But they still don't have to do anything if they'd rather watch cat videos in their jammies.
Anathema at April 19, 2017 3:47 PM
Maybe he's got a hot wife fetish? He may be just as happy knowing she goes out and gets laid because he gets off to it as he would be going out and getting laid himself.
Peg Y at April 21, 2017 2:19 PM
Why is the key.
If he is spending his night home alone because he feels unloved and unlovable while wifey is getting her chimes rung week after week after week...that is one horrible, soul crushing and desperate thing.
If it is because he finds that the game is not worth his candle, that is another thing entirely (And she better worry about how candle worthy he considers her)
If it is because he doesn't care what she does anymore, that is another thing.
Actually, for most of this, these are all bad signals.
It's entirely possible that there is a good spin on this, but odds are not good.
FIDO at April 23, 2017 10:57 AM
The real issue is she feels guilty. If he does it, they can both be equally culpable but if she is doing it alone, she faces the responsibility alone of what she is doing.
FIDO at April 23, 2017 9:16 PM
I get it, when you thought you were both hooking up with other people it felt like naughty you were doin together seperately, but now it just feels like you have been cheating on him. You worry it makes you look faithful and awesome and you like an unsatisfied cheater. And he could throw it in your face one day. I get it. It sucks. Would you be ok closing the relationship?
Nicolek at April 26, 2017 2:18 PM
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