Backup To The Future
Two years ago, I met this beautiful, intriguing girl. I gave her my number, but she never called. Last week, she texted out of the blue. Weird! My friend said she probably had a boyfriend until now. Do women really hoard men's info in case their relationship tanks?
--Wondering
Consider the male BFF. A woman may not consciously think of hers as her backup man. But should her relationship go kaput, there he is -- perfectly situated to dry her tears. Um, with his penis.
There seems to be an evolutionary adaptation for people in relationships -- especially women -- to line up backup mates. It's basically a form of doomsday prepping -- except instead of a bunker with 700 cans of beans and three slightly dented Hellfire missiles, there are two eligible men on the shelves of a woman's mind and the phone number of another on a crumpled ATM receipt in the back of her wallet.
Evolutionary psychologists Joshua Duntley and David Buss explain that in ancestral times, even people "experiencing high relationship satisfaction would have benefited from cultivating potential replacement mates" in case their partner cheated, ditched them, died, or dropped a few rungs in mate value. A woman whose partner left or died "would have suffered a lapse in protection, mate investment, and resources for her children, much like people who transition between jobs in the modern environment sometimes suffer a lapse in insurance coverage."
Duntley and Buss note that female psychology today still has women prepping for romantic disaster like they're living in caves and lean-tos instead of condos and McMansions. For example, in research on opposite-sex friendships, "women, but not men, prioritize economic resources and physical prowess in their opposite-sex friends, a discrepancy that mirrors sex-differences in mate preferences."
Getting back to this woman who texted you, she probably saw something in you from the start but was otherwise encumbered. So, yes, she's likely been carrying a torch for you, but for two years, it's been in airplane mode.
Robert Heinlein said that man is not a rational animal, man is a rationalizing animal.
So this woman, despite it being hardwired and instinctive, honestly believes that she sees something good in the backup. Perhaps a relationship prospect. Maybe a really good guy. Or, backing up a step, seems decent enough that it's worth trying to find out.
So, not wanting to be wandering the veldt by herself, she'll do whatever it takes to nail the guy down. It would be strange if the guy were any use at work when he staggered into the office mornings. Weekends don't bear thinking about.
So, when she finds a guy she really likes, this dude is gone.
Probably not a good thing for a woman to have in her past, or at least her memory.
I suppose the guy in question might be insulted to find he's.... "good enough for now", "any old port in a storm", "okay back then but not up to scratch...then".
But in the meantime, the recreation will probably allow him to overlook the implicit insult, considering the fun he has with minimal investment.
Is there any way to explain this to women?
What's the odds on a backup guy ending up in an LTR with the woman in question?
Richard Aubrey at June 14, 2017 6:02 AM
Mm. I have gotten at least two texts like this in my lifetime (and this is just the last two years)
I knew the girls in question. They...were both going through a rough patch in life. So the question is, what significant hole in their lives were they seeking to fill? Emotional, financial, sexual, none, all?
Does she even know?
It is complimentary in a way. Perhaps I am a bit too cynical. Maybe she was kicking herself at meeting Mr. Wonderful AFTER she had exclusively hooked up with Mr. 'Right Now'.
Life is complicated. If the LW isn't doing anything better, sure, give her a call. But listen carefully to those circumstances and to find out he isn't just being used for 'fixies'.
Rebound isn't usually 'forever and ever'.
FIDO at June 14, 2017 9:01 AM
So.... If you have a professional relationship with a woman who has a relationship with a guy...and she offers a particularly generous compliment, possibly having to do with your appearance, would you presume she's going through a rough patch with the guy/
I presume that women, particularly particularly attractive women, are careful not to inadvertently encourage a guy that some initiative would be in order.
So if it sounds good, it might be good, since she'd be at some effort not to sound like she meant it unless she did.
However, what are the chances she was merely having a bad day with her SO and is...testing her backup prospects?
Richard Aubrey at June 14, 2017 6:06 PM
A man uses a woman purely for sex and offers nothing emotional to her in return, but a woman will use a man for her own emotional gratification, and offers nothing sexual in return. This second man is her "Emotional Tampon" aka "Intellectual Whore", aka "Nice Guy".
LW's mistake was in not getting HER number and calling her right away.
jefe at June 15, 2017 6:37 PM
Huh. Well, anyway;
Is calling up a guy for backup the same as having carried a torch? Maybe. Maybe not. How would the guy in question know?
How does the woman in question avoid the "good enough for now" suspicion that would likely occur to the guy?
Richard Aubrey at June 17, 2017 4:19 AM
You know, you keep writing like it is these isolated pairs on the tundra, but the reality is that most indigenous cultures live in family groups, and move in and out of each others' villages and houses. They aren't generally being all super nuclear, if your mate doesn't down a moose your dad or brother will. And 80% of the food usually comes from gathering anyhow. And the guys defend the whole village, not just their individual hut.
NicoleK at June 29, 2017 10:15 AM
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