Don Yawn
I'm a 40-year-old man who can't seem to keep a relationship going for more than a year. There's never bitter fighting or betrayal. I just gradually lose interest. I can't blame my girlfriends -- most of whom are pretty exciting people. I'm the problem, but why? And can I change?
--Frustrated
Ever gotten new carpeting? The first month, it's "No shoes and no drinks whatsoever in the living room!" A few months after that: "Oh, we don't use glasses anymore. Just splash red wine around and drink right off the rug."
In the happiness research world, the psychological shift behind this is called "hedonic adaptation" -- "hedonic" from the Greek word for pleasure and "adaptation" to describe how we acclimate to new stuff or situations in our lives. They rather quickly stop giving us the buzz (or bite) they did at first, and we get pitched right back to our baseline feeling of well-being (Yeahwhatevsville). Bummer, huh? But there's an upside. Psychologists Timothy Wilson and Dan Gilbert explain that hedonic adaptation is part of our "psychological immune system," helping us recover from all the kicks in the teeth and boys' bathroom swirlies of life.
There's another possible bummer at work here, per your longing for less wilty love. You may be more "sensation-seeking" than most people. Research by psychologist Marvin Zuckerman, who coined the term, finds that this is a personality trait with origins in genes, as well as experience, reflected in strong cravings for novel, varied, and intense sensations and experiences.
If this is driving you, basically, you want it new, you want it now, and all the better if it's a little life-threatening. In other words, some benefits of a committed relationship, like deeply knowing another person, may end up being deeply boring to you. Still, part of your problem may be a hopeful approach -- simply hoping your relationships don't die instead of taking steps to prevent that.
Research by psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky finds that three "intentional activities" help keep hedonic adaptation from overtaking a relationship -- appreciating, injecting variety, and incorporating surprise. Appreciating simply means regularly reviewing and "savoring" what's great about your partner and what you have together. (Even better if you also express it to them). Bringing in variety and surprise means filling the relationship with "unexpected moments" and "unpredictable pleasures," big and small.
Be honest with women about your befizzlement problem. When you find one who's up for the challenge, get cracking with her on keeping the excitement alive. Be sure to do this both in romantic day-to-day ways and, say, with the perfect romantic weekend for a guy like you -- one that starts with the valet at the spa opening the trunk, removing the hood over your head, and cutting the zip ties so you can go take a sauna.
Can a guy like this get his buzz elsewhere, like blindfold skydiving? The kind where you know that one in ten riggers is a drunk.
And if you do that, does the hedonic blahness stop applying to a relationship?
Richard Aubrey at June 13, 2017 7:10 PM
Seriously, maybe the LW needs to get his thrill-seeking kicks through some type of moderately risky activity -- skydiving, rock climbing, racing, etc. Or maybe he needs the thrill of performing in front of an audience. Take up acting or singing or playing an instrument.
Cousin Dave at June 14, 2017 6:20 AM
You may be more "sensation-seeking" than most people.
Wow, I now have the PERFECT way to describe a friend of mine. I honestly didn't get it before. He shocked us all last year when he broke up with an insanely beautiful, exciting woman that has every man who's met her (and many women, too) lusting after her. We are talking world-traveling, super hot, smart, exciting career, yoga-contortionist. They'd been together about six months, and we were all thinking, "Finally, he's found someone he can't possibly get bored with." Then he dumped her and, to the chorus of "Whyyyyyyyyy???" from everyone he knew, responded, "I loved being around her and she's amazing, but it just stopped being exciting."
Sensation-seeking makes complete sense. And that's probably a better thing to call him than "fucking idiot," which is what I and everyone called him for a while after that break-up.
sofar at June 14, 2017 8:21 AM
Advice I've heard that seems to work for a lot of people is that traveling together to places you've never been before keeps you from getting bored in your relationship. It's especially exciting if you have to navigate in a language you don't speak. This can be as upscale as you can afford or a low budget backpacking trip, but in exploring new places together and learning new ways to communicate, you will see each other in a new light and won't have time to get bored with each other. My husband and I travel a lot and I believe it has helped us keep our relationship fresh.
cp_deb at June 14, 2017 2:09 PM
No matter how good she looks, somebody, somewhere is tired of her crap.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at June 14, 2017 3:34 PM
"We are talking world-traveling, super hot, smart, exciting career, yoga-contortionist."
I actually don't think women like that are as appealing to men long term despite how lustful everyone is towards them.
It's not that guys don't care about a woman's accomplishments/hobbies/looks it's that they ask themselves how much work is it for them to keep up with a driven, interesting good looking woman. It's a lot of work.
For us ladies, and I'm generalizing, the fear is a driven, interesting and good looking guy will cheat. That's pretty much it. We don't have to compete with their accomplishments. For men it's that they have to constantly work to keep up with her, on top of everyone telling them they should be grateful because they aren't good enough.
For a flaky guy that doesn't commit long term? Lmao no way in hell will he find it fun to be with a woman that everyone desires and is exciting. That's a shit ton of "work" from his perspective even if he doesn't realize it. He just words it in his head as "not exciting anymore" instead of "it's alot of upkeep".
Ppen at June 15, 2017 12:42 AM
"We are talking world-traveling, super hot, smart, exciting career, yoga-contortionist."
For women like this their career arc is usually personality driven and often the first major steps up the career ladder are the result of trading sex for a leg up the ladder.
This kind of woman makes for a lousy long term partner: high maintenance and the underlying knowledge that their relationships are situational: they will immediately switch partners on encountering someone who can augment their status.
They pursue status with a vengeance, and usually have very shaky personal finances since maintaining appearances and the globe trotting is expensive, while investing in the future requires a degree of discipline and introspection this group of women usually lack.
"Not exciting anymore" is better translated as the exhaustion that sets in trying to keep up with a narcissist and a realization she is not a "keeper".
John Nailbrem at June 17, 2017 4:17 PM
Depends on what's "exciting".
Frequent arguments?
Hot new ideas about what to do this weekend, ideas that nobody ever thought of before that are expensive and a lot of trouble.
Going big and going hard on a Thing, as if there's nothing more important. Until, maybe in six weeks, there's a new Thing, and then in about a month.....
Flirting with other guys.
Is an adrenalin rush always the same as fun?
Richard Aubrey at June 23, 2017 5:01 AM
And women... if this guy wants to date you and is honest about his buzzkill problem. Run. Run away.
NicoleK at June 26, 2017 7:05 PM
I am amazed and somewhat saddened by how quickly the comments turned to discussing the inherent defects of the WOMEN who are high maintenance, rather than staying with the issues of this "sensation seeking", I would say terminally narcissistic and adolescent dude, who is probably a trust fund baby and an addict, not a "seeker."
Susan Devore at July 21, 2017 10:36 AM
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