I live with my girlfriend, who's really picky about how clean and tidy the house has to be. God forbid I put a bowl on the dish rack that isn't perfectly immaculate or leave tiny bits of hair in the sink after I shave. She gets totally grossed out by small things that I don't think are a big deal. If this stuff is ridiculous, should I really have to abide by her rules? And is this a woman thing? Other girlfriends of mine have been like this, too.
--Annoyed
It's nice when your girlfriend always has your back -- but not because she's constantly two steps behind you with the wet mop.
Research consistently finds that women have far greater "disgust sensitivity" than men -- meaning they have a stronger predisposition to experience disgust. Disgust -- like Little Pigs, Blind Mice, and Stooges -- comes in three forms (per evolutionary psychologist Joshua Tybur): sexual, moral, and pathogen.
Sexual disgust leads a person to feel creeped out about having sex with evolutionarily disadvantageous partners (too old, too closely related, or sporting a big pustule that screams STD.) Moral disgust leads us to be all "Oh, yuck!" about people who violate moral standards. And finally, there's the pathogen disgust your girlfriend's expressing, which protects us from bacteria, viruses, parasites, and toxins by making us beat a retreat from sick people, dead bodies, spoiled food, and bodily fluids like mucus, spit, and poo.
Evolutionary psychologist Laith Al-Shawaf and his colleagues call women's greater disgust sensitivity "puzzling in light of their well-documented immunological superiority." Though we think of women as more physically fragile than men, they actually have "stronger immune responses," which offer them "better protection than men from a variety of diseases" and "more vigorous defenses against bacteria, viruses, and ... parasites."
However, Al-Shawaf and his colleagues have some evolutionarily driven hypotheses -- informed guesses -- for why women are more easily grossed out: (a) Women's bodies are basically the factories where both parents' genes get passed on to the next generation. (b) Mothers are also more likely to transmit infections to children. (c) Women have likewise had a greater role in "keeping children away from pathogens and teaching them effective disease-avoidance principles." (d) Ancestral women had a greater role in food cleaning and prep.
The researchers had a couple of hypotheses about men, too -- why men evolved to have lower levels of disgust: (a) It serves men to "to convey immune strength" to attract babes and to "facilitate short-term mating." (Men's lowered standards for hygiene, etc., mean a larger pool of potential sex partners! This can be taken too far, as in, on a seriously yuckeroo note, let's just say it's typically men, not women, who engage in necrophilia...which is to say, who look at a corpse and see a potential hookup.) (b) As the hunters and warriors of the species, men need lower levels of disgust "related to blood, injury, and death" lest they be all "Shoot it with an arrow? But it'll bleed, and I pass out at the sight of blood!"
As interesting as all of this speculation is, for purposes of relationship harmony, the reason your girlfriend is more easily disgusted doesn't actually matter. Likewise, whether what she wants you to do seems rational isn't relevant, either -- tempting as it might be to adjudicate this on scientific grounds, a la "Is a little encrusted whatever really going to kill us?"
Understanding this is important. A lot of unnecessary relationship conflict comes out of people thinking they need to stand up against beliefs by their partner that they find kind of Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Often -- assuming a partner's beliefs are merely annoying, not endangering -- a wiser approach is acting on the principle that the facts matter vastly less than the feelings behind them.
In your situation, for example, what counts is that you're kind and respectful -- meaning that you do your best to remember to clean up, especially in the bathroom and kitchen (major gross-out arenas) -- simply because it's important to your girlfriend. And when you forget -- which you're sure to do -- apologize, making sure to validate her feelings: "I know this matters to you...I'll try to do better..." Hearing that you get where she's coming from tells her something -- that she doesn't need to keep fighting to make you understand.
There's that saying, "Would you rather be right or be happy?" The truth is, you can be both -- silently laughing to yourself about the absurd contradictions of humanity: Just because we ladies go "Uh-huh...whatever..." about the gazillions of microscopic germs reportedly living on our smartphones doesn't mean we can be all "No probski!" about the retirement community for bacteria that we picture on that food-globbed soup bowl you set on the dish rack.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
July 20, 2019I spent years on and off drugs and alcohol, but I've been sober for six years. I'm just not the same self-centered immature brat I was. Last week, I reached out to my best friend's brother to apologize for things I did about seven years ago. He still hasn't responded to my text (requesting time to talk to make amends). He told my friend he was having a hard time believing I'm any different. But I am, and I want to prove to him I have changed. How can I do that?
--Sincere
He's seen you swear off drugs and alcohol before -- typically for several hours on a Tuesday.
This view he has of you is likely to have some serious staying power. That's because our brain is big on automatic processes -- forming and storing what I call "thinkpacks" so we don't have to put cognitive energy into things we've already figured out. For example, say you do something for the first time, like opening a weird latch on a cupboard. Each time you do it again, the more automatic -- that is, the more unthinking -- opening it becomes.
Believing works similarly. Once we form a belief, we tend to just go with it -- automatically. Questioning a belief, on the other hand, takes mental effort: yanking out our reasoning ability and forcing it to do a bunch of cognitive chores.
Not surprisingly, research by social psychologist Lee Ross, among others, finds that we're prone to taking the mentally easy way out, succumbing to "confirmation bias": clinging to what we already believe and ignoring info that says, "Hey, there just might be a new and improved truth in town."
There's another problem: Our ego is bound up in our clinging to our beliefs -- that is, believing that we were right all along. And though it sounds like you've changed your value system -- which probably bodes well for your staying sober -- if he goes with the idea that you're on the wagon for good, he risks being proved wrong.
The error that you, like many people, make is in thinking, "I'll just change somebody's mind!" and it'll happen pronto. However, consider your goal: apologizing. You can do that by writing a letter. A letter of apology takes an investment of effort that a phoned or texted apology does not -- which makes it more likely to be seen as sincere.
And frankly, if you follow through with the steps for a meaningful apology -- detailing how you wronged him, expressing remorse, and explaining the new values you are now living by -- you lay the best foundation for him to...possibly...someday...believe that you truly have changed.
Sure, it's possible you'll black out again, but maybe just if somebody clocks you for going overboard with the sobervangelizing. It won't be like that time when you were drunk and handcuffed and yelling, "Occifers, I'll have you know that my nickname in middle school was Houdini!"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I've been married to a wonderful woman for two years. We have a 2-year-old child. Unfortunately, we stopped having sex when she got pregnant and haven't started again since. She loves me, but she just doesn't want sex like she used to. (And no, I'm not some sexist dude leaving all the baby care to her.) How can we jump-start our sex life?
--Famished
"Being and Nothingness" is 722 pages of stylishly depressing existentialism by Jean-Paul Sartre; ideally, it does not also describe what goes on in bed between you and your wife.
Chances are your wife's libido didn't get broken in the delivery room or carried off by a raccoon. In women, desire seems to work differently than how it does in men, according to sex researcher Rosemary Basson, M.D. Once women are comfortably ensconced in a relationship, Basson finds that they no longer have the "spontaneous sexual hunger" they did in the early days of dating. Instead, their desire is "responsive," meaning it is "triggerable" -- simply by starting to fool around.
Yes, miraculously, revving up your sex life will probably just take some makeout sessions. Tell your wife about Basson's research and start scheduling regular romantic evenings. Make them early enough that nobody's too tired and keep your expectations on medium. (You might not have full-blown sex on night one, but try to see whatever mwah-mwah makeout that goes on as an encouraging start.) When possible, drop the baby off at Grandma's and have a sex weekend at a hotel. This may sound like a lot of effort and expense, but it sure beats the alternative -- setting your penis out on the blanket next to the VHS player at your spring garage sale.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
July 10, 2019My sister dates super hot guys, but she's always telling me that looks aren't what matter and I should go for a man who's stable and reliable. Is she looking out for me? How come she doesn't follow her own advice? It seems weirdly hypocritical.
--Puzzled
Charmingly, the men your sister picks for herself look like they could work in strip clubs, while men she picks for you look like accountants who've invested strip malls.
Welcome to "the Juliet effect," as named by evolutionary scientists Robert Biegler and Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair. In Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet," Juliet's mom -- let's call her Mrs. Capulet -- was working her own agenda in giving her daughter advice on who to marry. Mrs. Capulet was pushing her daughter to go for Count Paris, a boringly stable rich guy from a good family. Juliet, of course, only had eyes for Romeo, the off-limits hottie, whose family was basically the feuding Italian Hatfields to the Capulet's McCoys.
It turns out that Shakespeare was something of an intuitive evolutionary psychologist. Parents do want the best for you -- uh, that is, except when what's best for you diverges with what's best for them. The same goes for your siblings. These fun intra-family conflicts are called "parent-offspring competition" and "sibling competition" by evolutionary psychologists.
Biegler and Kennair researched the way these evolved conflicts play out over "transferrable" versus "non-transferrable" qualities in a woman's partner. Transferrable qualities are those that could directly benefit the children of a woman's mother or sister -- for example, a man's ability to provide food, shelter, and/or "protection against predators or enemies." (High status, too, would be transferrable, because of the power and perks that come with.) Non-transferrable qualities, on the other hand, are those -- like hottiehood -- that suggest a man has good genes, which would directly benefit only his female partner's own children.
Accordingly, Biegler and Kennair found that moms and sisters wanted hunks for themselves but would steer their daughter or sibling to the stable guy with resources. Granted, this probably isn't a conscious move on their part -- all "gotta make her believe the rich troll is her soulmate." However, you should be conscious when seeking advice from your family members about a guy that there could be mildly nefarious ulterior motives at play. Sure, your sister wants the best for you -- the best Ugly Dave you can get who owns hotels and a plane, so she can take free luxury vacations with the recently paroled soulless hunks of the world.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I was dating this guy, and it was super intense. He is a big believer in soulmates, and he said he thought I was his. Of course, I was excited, and it all seemed really romantic, and then poof! He was gone. Ghosted me. What makes somebody think simply disappearing is an okay way to break up?
--So Upset
"Love is in the air" is not supposed to mean your new boyfriend disappears into it like a fine mist.
Welcome to the dark side of the "We're soulmates!" thing. It turns out that a person's beliefs about the underpinnings of a successful relationship can affect how they end things -- whether they tell you it's over or just ghost you (wordlessly vanish from your life). There are "destiny beliefs," which, in their strongest incarnation, involve believing in fate and soulmates -- the notion that people in relationships "are either meant to be together or they're not," as social psychologist Gili Freedman and her colleagues put it. "Growth beliefs," on the other hand, involve the notion that "relationships grow over time" and take work; you don't just bump into your perfect partner in a train station and go off on the 6:07 to Happilyeverafter.
In line with this view of relationships as a gradual process of working out conflicts, the researchers found that romantic partners with stronger growth beliefs were 38.4% less likely to indicate that ghosting is okay. However, people with destiny beliefs, like your "Fate or bust!" ex, were 63.4% more likely to find it acceptable to take the disappearo way out.
But interestingly, Freedman and her colleagues note that "high scores on destiny do not equal low scores on growth," which means somebody can believe both in soulmates and in working to improve relationships. (Also, even soulmatehood devotees can understand that another person is a person, with feelings.) In other words, don't assume that anybody who believes in soulmates will disappear without explanation -- going from an exuberant "Babe, you complete me!" to a silent "Boy, am I glad I didn't give you my key!"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I'm a 6'2" woman. What's the ideal way for me to respond when people (almost always men and total strangers) ask, out of the blue, "How does a woman your height find boyfriends?"
--Annoyed
I'd opt for the macabre approach, delivered totally deadpan: "Actually, I stretch short men on a rack in my basement. You can sometimes hear the screams from the side yard."
Responding with shocking humor -- in an uber-cool tone -- gives you the upper hand, in a way an enraged response to their rudeness would not. And yes, people who say this to you are rude -- assuming you don't go around wearing a sign that reads "Hey, strangers, ask me anything! Nothing's too impolite or too personal!"
Of course, when people overstep (as maybe 6,055 other people have done previously), it's natural to get angry -- to go loud and ugly in calling them on their rudeness. However, that sort of directness -- explicitly telling them that they've wronged you -- is probably counterproductive. Social psychologist Elliot Aronson finds that people are highly prone to "self-justification" -- the ego-defending denial that they've behaved badly.
Making matters worse, our fight-or-flight system reflexively reacts to verbal attacks in the same adrenalized way it does to physical attacks. So, angry directness from you is likely to provoke a rudester into amping up the ugly -- turning around and deeming you rude, wrong, and "Wow...testy!" for your response.
Ultimately, using humor as I suggested -- an over-the-top statement, delivered flatly -- allows you to restructure the power balance, shifting yourself out of the victim position. You're clearly informing the person they've crossed a line, with minimal aggression on your part. This is important because, as a tall girl, your energy is best put to more productive ends -- folding yourself up like origami to fly in coach and fighting the Statue of Liberty for the extremely tall guys of Tinder.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence," in very affordable trade paperback and only $9.99 on Kindle. It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
My style is basically grunge rocker girl: ancient jeans, a vintage rock T-shirt, and bedhead. I need photos of myself, so late Saturday afternoon, I did a photo shoot with a professional stylist, makeup artist, and photographer. Long story short, I despise all the photos. They dressed me in "nice lady" clothes I hated and put too much makeup on me, including lipstick, which I never wear. I'm normally pretty assertive, so I don't understand why I didn't speak up for myself.
--Irritated
When your style is grunge femme -- bedhead and jeans that appear to be loaners from a wino -- it's a major bummer to pay for photos that make you look like you sell high-end real estate via bus bench ads.
It's especially bummerific when you could have spoken up but instead just went along like a lap dog in a bee outfit. But the reality is, your ability to assert yourself -- which comes out of a set of cognitive processes called "executive functions" -- can get a little beaten down.
Executive functions are basically the COO (chief operating officer) of you -- the cerebral department of getting stuff done, through, among other things, planning, prioritizing, holding sets of facts in mind, and making choices. And then there's the executive function that crapped out on you: "inhibitory control," which, as cognitive neuroscientist Adele Diamond explains, allows you to direct your "attention, behavior, thoughts, and/or emotions." This, in turn, empowers you to do what you know you should -- like eating your green beans instead of going with what your impulses are suggesting: faceplanting in a plate of fries and soldiering on to do the same in a bowl of chocolate frosting.
As I explain in my "science-help" book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence," our mental energy to keep our executive functions powered up gets eroded by stress, fatigue, hunger, and even seemingly minor mental chores -- like choosing between the 30 slightly different kinds of balsamic at the supermarket. Basically, as the day draws on and you put weight on your executive functions, you wear out their ability to be there for you.
So, what can you do to avoid repeating this experience? Try to schedule tiring, emotionally taxing projects earlier in the day. It also helps to figure out ahead of time where your boundaries lie -- stylistic or otherwise. Then, when somebody does something you're not comfortable with, you've pre-identified it as a no-no, which makes it easier for you to stand up for yourself -- calmly and firmly. Remember, "every picture tells a story" -- and it's best if yours doesn't seem to be about the time the lady at the Estee Lauder counter held you down, made you up, and then pulled out her Ruger and forced you into mom jeans.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
