I had a college roommate who was absolutely unbelievable in his attitude toward personal belongings. He just matter-of-factly, every morning, helped himself to my body wash, shampoo, shaving gel, razor, etc. Without so much as a request for permission, he would just open up my wardrobe, and take whatever toiletries he needed.

He had his own, but said he preferred mine. Every time I told him to leave my stuff alone, he would start screaming (literally) that I was being ridiculous, that I should just go ahead and take some of his stuff. (But the one thing we agreed on was that I used the better products, so why should I take his stuff?)

The only solution, until such time as the Director of Student Life arranged for me to get another roommate, was to lock the stuff up in my trunk.

The compulsive borrower is among the worst types of roommates out there.

Thanks, Patrick...exactly the sort of stuff I need. Just added this one -- the taker, and a short description -- to the proposal. It also gave me another idea.

Got a stepson and daughter-in-law living with us, in the basement, both are unemployed. How's that for topical? Anyway, I swear the gal never washes her hair (and maybe more) and when we treat them to dinner she stinks up my minivan. Also they never crack open a window in their rooms and the smell wafts out. I don't see how they can stand it.

I am trying really hard to not go all bitchy while they're living here, which as a step means saying NOTHING, IMO. Hubby has talked to them about their collective smells, but it hasn't sunk in. They have a nice big bathroom of their own, too, better than ours.

I'm trying to stay cool, because he's got a job lined up 5 months from now and I do believe this is not a permanent situation. How do I deal and not come off as hypercritical step and mother in law? Even though I really am.

I just got done spending five months living with my parents as a roommate. That's an incredibly good idea for a topic from both sides. There were definately some bounderies that had to be redrawn on both sides.

It's not really roommate related, but if you could include a section on general guidlelines on how to be polite and nice without being a complete doormat would be very useful thing. (At what point are you being a pushover, at what point are people calling you a bitch because you're standing up for yourself, and at what point are you actually being a bitch?)

I have several roommate experiences (from college).

One - She refused to get her own phone line (or help pay for mine), and gave out my phone number to her family. In general, that wouldn't be a huge deal EXCEPT they liked to call everyday at 8 am (or before) and she would never be in the room. So, I would be awaken to tell them that she wasn't there, only to ask me to "look for her" in the dorms. Even after turning off my ringer, they would continue to call, leave messages on my machine, all for her. It got to the point where I said that I wouldn't answer the phone and I would hang up on her family members if they continued to call.

Two - a roommate would constantly eat food purchased by a third roommate and myself, but only buy food she liked and that we didn't claiming that we could "share" her food. Never mind, we didn't like it and she knew it.

Three - a roommate would regularly invite people over, and then not clean up the dishes after them. She would leave them in the sink for us to wash them. The third roommate and I decided that we would only clean our stuff to see how long it would take for her to clean up the mess made by her and her friends. It took a week, including those little flies. She tried to claim that they didn't make that mess, but couldn't quite remember whether she cleaned up after them or not. This roommate also would dye her hair in the bathroom and leave dye all over - the walls, the sink, the tub. It was disgusting.

Glad to be of service, Amy. I found "the taker" by the way, on Facebook. Maybe I'll send him a copy of your next book and see if he recognizes himself.

It's not really roommate related, but if you could include a section on general guidelines on how to be polite and nice without being a complete doormat would be very useful thing. (At what point are you being a pushover, at what point are people calling you a bitch because you're standing up for yourself, and at what point are you actually being a bitch?)

Posted by: Elle at September 24, 2010 11:13 AM
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I wish Dr. John Rosemond would write something about that. Namely, how to teach children how to stand up to tyrannical adults without being rude - especially teachers, store managers, and mean relatives. I'm guessing the reason he hasn't is that he thinks kids have too much power already.

I had nine roommates over four years, so I have a few oldies but baddies. Worst behaviors? Aside from the previously mentioned time where one roomie's BF was in my kitchen drinking straight out of my gallon of milk with one hand and scratching his tighty-whitey-clad balls with the other?

One roommate was stealing entire packs of my birth control pills; try explaining that one to the student health center doctor when you go to get more.

One roomie's helicopter parents raked me over the coals when I signed the lease- to the effect that my rent could NEVER be late; if I were ever late, I'd be out on my ass by dawn the next day. Well, then their Little Princess went home for a weekend at the end of the month and missed paying her rent. These parents had the balls to call me and ask me to cover the rent until she came back with her rent check. Told them I couldn't, as I was living paycheck to paycheck paying my own way through college, but I heard Western Union could work miracles. Am still friends with that roomie, but the parents still hate me, 20 years later.

I swear, being a disgusting pig is not gender-specific. Most of them were utter slobs, the lack of housekeeping skills was revolting. Worse, the lack of self-respect. One roomie stumbled in so hammered at 5 a.m. on a Sunday, she got lost in our bathroom and soiled herself. Not just urine. Excrement all over the bathroom. Then she took off for her boyfriend's and refused to come back and clean it up; we had to take care of it because it was our only bathroom. Fortunately, it was the dorm, so we had some recourse. Wonder if I should look her up on Facebook and ask if she remembers when???

Catching a roommate having sex in your bed is bad. Worse is when she's alone.

Having a lock on your door is probably one of the best things you can do. It doesn't mean you have to use it, and I'd even leave it unlocked initially, so you're sending the message that you're willing to trust. The minute things start to go wrong, that lock is good to have, and if you're uneasy about verbally telling someone to keep out, it sends a pretty clear message once you start locking up after yourself.

As far as roommates go, I only ever had a few problems with my dorm roomie. Namely, the night that four of her guy friends knocked on the door after midnight needing a place to crash. She asked if it was okay if they slept on the floor, and I couldn't figure out how to say no without being seen as a bitch and making my living situation intolerable for the rest of the year. Worst bit: All I went to bed in that night was a T-shirt and undies. Getting up to use the bathroom in the morning took a lot of strategic planning.

I want a topic on how to talk to your doctor/dentist. I hate going to see them. I hate it when I have a question about whatever we're talking about, and they're just giving me the shortest possible answer so they can move the hell on. I hate it when the dentist doesn't tell me what he's doing. I've got a mouthful of appliances and he's sitting there going "Hmm, the machine isn't working," and I have to figure out what's going on from context clues. I don't want to be a bad patient, but I would really, really like some tips on how to get answers from doctors while coming off as assertive instead of bitchy.

Hah! Dealing with some of these issues right now, I am. My current roommate evidently never had to consider the position of someone else in "his" living space. We moved in in July. He emptied out a storage unit last month - and brought all the stuff here.

And dumped it. In the living room.

I'm talking a 10'x10' PILE of old computer equipment, bags of clothes, boxes, furniture and a giant trunk containing one of those old 90s three-bulb video projectors.

I've reminded him to take care of this four times. The first time, he pruned it down a little - and then brought one of his other computers OUT of his room and put it IN the living room!

The third time, he actually moved most of it. Into the dining area. This is a 2-bedroom apartment; his stuff has choked the dining area so much I can't even reach the table!

The fourth time was today. I told him I wanted to invite friends over next weekend, and we'd need all of "this stuff" (e.g. HIS stuff) cleared out. He said that he was planning to clear it out this coming weekend anyway.

We'll see. So very tempted to just start throwing things out...

Chris-

You could declare the living room and dining room neutral territory, and move all the crap into his bedroom. Better yet, tell him you saw a mouse/cockroach scurry into his crap-pile so you moved the junk to his room to find and squash the vermin.

I had a roomie who strangely enough couldn't see her dirty dishes. I put them in a Rubbermaid bin and left them on her bed. She simply moved them to the floor and stepped around them for two weeks. Then she got ants in her room and finally did something about it when they started biting.

"Worst bit: All I went to bed in that night was a T-shirt and undies. Getting up to use the bathroom in the morning took a lot of strategic planning."

I think this falls under the category of College Experience, along with crappy dorm food and 2am parties next door. I can't count the number of times my roommates have seen me naked, and vice versa. Sometimes you just gotta let the modesty go.

I haven't had a roommate in years, but when I did, I lived in a house with a guy who somehow thought that not bathing was "healthy". He was also a vegetarian who only at Boca Burgers, instant mashed potatoes, and ketchup. He smelled awful. When we could get him to bathe, he used the same, musty towel for months without washing it. Almost worse than his smell. I've heard that he grew up, cleaned up, and got married, so good for him. Most people encounter roommates during the person's inconsiderate phase (that is, if they ever grow out of it.)

I've long decided that people should not live together unless they are parents and young children, or adults who are sleeping together.

Juliana - Excellent advice. We presumably declared the living/dining rooms "common space" when we moved in. Didn't take long for that to fall by the wayside. I reminded him; in one ear...

He can't see his dishes either. His idea is, "Well I'll just leave these here (on the counter, still dirty) until I need them again."

There's a pot and a strainer still sitting on the counter. 5 weeks now. I'm counting. (No bugs yet, mercifully.)

"Catching a roommate having sex in your bed is bad." Juliana.

This. A thousand times this. Another was living in a suite where the other room had an extra member who was really cute, but hitting on all 4 roomates. The other 3 of us were gentlemen, but the guy she was actually staying with was completely neurotic about it. I think, he thought, she saw him as more than a meal ticket. 'bout a month later she moved in with another guy in the same building. This was at a Ski area's worker housing... Much more interesting than college, even though most of them were college age at the time. Since the male/female ratio in such instances was 10:1 having a girl around was a pain, because all the guys hit on her. Some in a barely legal way.

Chris- You've already given him the timeline of next weekend's company. Just gentle reminders, up until Thursday night. If no improvement by then, tell him you're putting his stuff in his room on Friday, then follow through, but do it respectfully, don't break anything. So long as it's been ongoing dialogue, out in the open and clear communication. Chances are Mr. Passive Hoarder will simply pile it up against the walls in his room and learn to navigate around it(Gag). Any of his stuff that creeps out into the common area, just send it back in. But to be fair, your own stuff stays in your room too. This should be easy since you'll be the only one cleaning the apartment anyway. I recommend some sturdy dish gloves for cleaning when living with someone like that.

If he blows a nut and tells you not to touch his stuff, then he's unreasonable. And you're stuck. It can escalate; I would, by throwing all his shit out that he can't clean up. I do it to my kids; I tell them that if they can't respect their belongings by taking care of them, they don't deserve to have them.

I hated having roommates, none of their mothers ever taught them how to clean up after themselves. Lazy cows would drive two hours to go back home when they ran out of clean underwear. That, or go shopping for new undies with the credit card mummy and daddy gave them.

Been a while since I've had roommates, but the one that really got me was when one of my female roomies would use my razor. I was a biochem major, and I lemme tell you...when I found out all the stuff you leave behind on a razor, I wanted to vomit. You can actually transmit Hep B that way. Yuck. So do you resort to leaving ALL your bathroom products locked in your room and hauling them to the bathroom because your roomies are too cheap to buy their own can of hairspray?

As for the food thing. I actually got to a point with a couple of guys I lived with post-college where I used a Sharpie Pen to mark my milk level because they both swore they weren't drinking any. Uh huh. I guess it was a poltergiest?

Juliana - I plan to keep it gentle but consistent. If my friends do come over next weekend, one of them will be anything but gentle (former Navy man, no BS with him).

I don't think he'll blow up, but he's very good at changing the subject. Part of this is me not wanting conflict; I know that. It's inevitable unless he actually cleans up though.

He can do whatever he wants with his room - and he does. I don't even go in there; his room is a pigsty.

I hate moving. But if he doesn't clean things up, he'll have to explain to a new roommate why they should just accept stuff thrown everywhere.

I'm going to go clean my bathrooms now. Gah. (shudders) Good luck Chris~

When I was just out of college I lived with a sorority sister in a NYC apt. Jenny was one of those girls who grew up on the upper east side and went to private school.
From an early age, she explained, she was trained to believe that she was raised to marry a prince, and that she was entitled to be treated as the princess that she was.
Ugh...what this translated to was that she saw everything in the apartment as hers. You know how, when you know your getting your period in the next few days, you go out and buy your tampons? Well, it turns out, when girls live together, they have similar cycles. Jenny would get her period, and instead of just borrowing one of my tampons, she'd take the whole box. She essentially used my medicine cabinet as her personal pharmacy. When I confronted her, her response was that it was "...embarrassing to buy those things, and why should I? After all," she said"thats what I have room mates for." Jenny had similar views, and responses for why she couldn't lower herself to clean her own messes, or pay the phone bill....
she later explained that "why else would I have an ethnic room mate?" (I'm Italian) "after all, its not my station in life to clean!"

How about, what do you do when you an insane Jesus-freak roommate who thinks that God is on her side, ergo she's right about everything?

I wish I was kidding - one of my first roommates in college was a particularly crazy brand of evangelical Christian from Nigeria (you know, where they're branding, beating, crucifying, and torturing children to death for being witches...because their pastor told them to!).

We lived in a quad arrangement, with a shared bathroom between two bedrooms, and she went to bed at 7 every night, insisting that all the lights be off and everything be silent, then set her alarm for 2 am, at which point she would get up and sing hymns to Jeeeeeeezuz loudly in the shower, waking the three of us up. When I went to the resident advisor, I was told that asking her to stop would be religiously insensitive - so I camped out in the advisor's office and refused to leave until I was given another assignment.

The college actually had to resort to giving this whackjob her own room, because no one could live with her.

So, here's an etiquette question - why do complete strangers think they can come over, rub their hands over my forearm tattoos, and then expect me to answer all of their exhaustive and frankly stupid questions about them politely? I usually wear long sleeves, out of preference and constantly being cold, but today outside of the office rolled them up because it was unexpectedly hot out, and a woman I work with stopped by to talk to me and started trying to yank my sleeve up! Why do people think that seeing a tattoo (or a pregnant belly, or a wheelchair) gives them carte blanche to forget whatever manners they had? Assuming they had any?! I'm the same person I was before you saw them, and I don't see why I'm obligated to answer your questions about them - I don't think people with a disability automatically think they've become Ambassador of Whatever Disease - I'm not Ambassador for the Inked People.

Leave me alone, and I won't comment on how unflattering your pantsuit is!

First semester freshman year, my room mate seemed very nice at first. Laid back. Friendly. She had a proclivity for smoking lots of pot and drinking every night but I rolled w/ it. Then. Around Thanksgiving she went from occasional coke use, to snorting $100/day. I'd sit there doing my home work and she'd blow lines. I kept mum about it, not wanting to seem uncool.

My tolerance was slowly chipped away, though. I walked into the room one night and she had a guy over. They looked like they were making out. I sat down at my desk to go online and find some parties. It took a minute, but I soon realized they were fucking. Actively. As I sat there, with all the lights on. She also had random spurts of out of control anger. She'd break things and threaten to kill people on the phone. One night she and her friend needed cash for cocaine and were talking about stealing it from some place. (I kept all my valuables in a friend's room...and since I was really broke I had no cash for her to steal!)

One night I was in bed. She crept in around 2 AM and had a full-on phone conversation with someone discussing bringing large quantities of coke to campus to sell it. I went to Res Life the next morning and asked if they could move her (I naively thought that since I wasn't doing anything wrong, I shouldn't have to move). They gave me BS about how I'd have to file a report with Campus Police first and it would have to be reviewed before they could relocate her. My option was that I had to move. I didn't want to because I liked all the girls on my floor...

I trudge over to CP and give them my story. They shove me in a room and tell me to fill out a report. I call my mom and she freaks the eff out. She says not to fill it out b/c I could somehow be retaliated against (her dad is some big wig Italian guy with suspected links to The Family). She told me to go out the window or something and that she'd be there in an hour.

Mom rolls up with nana and they tell me to just get over it and move. I did. For the rest of my freshman year I got to live with an AWESOME person who is now one of my very best friends and favorite people.

I always gave people the benefit of the doubt and thought a lease between friends was harsh, that is until I was screwed by a close friend. We had a verbal agreement and would be helping each other out by sharing a house. Long story short, this friend was man crazy after a divorce and often left her 4 young kids home with me while running out for a gallon of milk that always seemed to last the night. I felt torn because I loved the kids and didn't want to leave them but the situation quickly became toxic, as in when her son told her he'd prefer to have me as a mom. She asked me to leave and I asked her to give me a month or two as I would need time to find a place to live. She took me to eviction court on Christmas Eve. Going forward I always separated business and friendship. When dealing with friends, I make sure that everything is in writing and notarized to prevent bad situations from going toxic.

I lived in college apartments that would match you with apartment-mates. When I lived in one, one girl had already been living there a year so the elec was in her name, and she just told us what we owed each month. And then, apparently, proceeded to pay only a little on the bill and keep the rest. What a shocker when the elec got turned off. The whole "no, we're NOT paying more!" thing was unpleasant.

So, maybe the burning question could be "My roommate kept the bill money, and our electricity got turned off. What do I do?"?

I never had anyone rub my belly when I was pregnant, but I have had people touch my baby...

I had an apartment with 3 other people my sophmore year of college, and I was the one who had set up all of the utilities. I was also the one who made sure they always got paid, because they were in my name. My roommates generally paid their portion of the bills back to me late. I don't think I should have to remind someone that a bill is due, especially when it's been stuck on the fridge for two weeks (or is ALWAYS due on the first or 15th or whatever.) There was also the above-mentioned problem of people not doing their own f*cking dishes.

The dishes thing appears to be almost universal, it's a serious roommate issue. It's tricky too, because I've pretty much always lived with people I like, so I don't want to nag them or try the Rubbermaid method Juliana mentioned above (though that is very effective). If they have a party or the sink is completely full of their dishes, something dramatic like that, you can say to a friend, hey can you address that disaster, and it's fine. But I don't think it works well for a friendship to keep asking if it's a regular occurrence. I always just end up washing a lot of dishes that aren't mine; generally I care more about having a clean kitchen. I think a good question would be how do I deal with a friend who never washes their dishes?

I really, really would like to know, on what planet do people seem to think that touching someone is okay?! I cannot tell you the number of times I've had random strangers come up to me in the grocery store, etc, and start touching my arms or try to yank my sleeves up. I'm sure pregnant women have similar stories - seriously, what on Earth possesses them? I thought I was supposed to be part of the Mannerless Generation, but I tell you, it seems like most of the 40somethings I know have no concept of proper behavior in ANY setting.

I read some of this stuff, and I think a few of you need to be more assertive.

Why are you letting boorish clods get away with this incredibly obnoxious behavior?

Because at some point you have to go to sleep, and it's hard to do with one eye open?

As an add-on to the electricity situation, there is nothing - nothing - worse than a roommate who has no trouble eating fastfood, drinking beer, heading out to movies ... you name it, all month long.

And then when it comes time to divvy up the bills at the end of the month? Phone, natural gas, electricity, cable, rent ... "I'll have it next week."

It was in the early '80s, I was living with three guys in one house at college and we were all signees on the lease.

Fortunately - yes, fortunately - he got hit by a car, massively broke his leg - you know, the large metal rods and leg hanging from the ceiling - and was stuck in the hospital for six weeks ... just long enough for us to get him out of the lease and ship all his stuff back home to his folks.

Like M4, I lived for a while in a school-owned apartment complex where they assigned roommates. One of my roommates was a fat slob who always walked around the apartment in his underwear. Seriously, he'd strip down as soon as he stepped in the front door. I couldn't bring a date over because he'd be running around in his tighty whiteys with his beer gut hanging out. Fortunately, he dropped out after two quarters, and I kept some of his stuff in exchange for the phone bill that he didn't pay.

He moved out and I got two other roommates who were pretty cool. The only argument we ever had was over a friend of theirs who was a klepto. Several times he stole money and records (LPs, that is) out of my room when they invited him in while I was at class. I had to threaten to put a key lock on the door to my room before they'd agree not to let him in the apartment any more. (The door to the balcony was in my room.)

What do you do when your neighbor's dog is barking loudly outside at 9 pm? Can you shoot the dog?

"What do you do when your neighbor's dog is barking loudly outside at 9 pm? Can you shoot the dog?"

It's not the dogs fault! Ha! Get a rooster who crows at the crack of dawn and put his house right next to your neighbors windows.

Okay, I bought something today that works like a charm deterring dogs from unwanted behaviors....It's an Ultrasonic Dog Trainer. If it's worth a little over $20 for you, I would recommend it:

http://www.amazon.com/K-II-Pet-Agree-Ultrasonic-Trainer/dp/B0006NEDA4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1285390029&sr=8-1-spell

I got the idea from a co-worker who is dealing with two yapping dogs (all day long, neurotic thing). He walks over to the fence and hits the button...the dogs stop barking.

It uses the principles of operant conditioning.

Here's one I've never been able to handle successfully:

The Squatter:
What do you do about a roommates boyfriend who is over the house so much it's like he lives there?

Doesn't pay rent, doesn't pay utilities...and utilizes all the common areas (watching TV you don't want to watch, using the computer, cooking...). Basically, making himself at home instead of acting like a guest.

I am a hermit. Seriously I could never live with roommates. My friend went to visit her boyfriend and while she was gone her roommate stole everything she (my friend) had and disappeared.

Another time I was going out with diffrent friend and I kept calling her and calling her letting her know we were waiting for her. She didnt reply so I freaked out and drove to her home. She had her car, purse, her new MAC laptop and jewelry, cash stolen by one of her roommates. They of course arrested the girl but my friend was never able to recover any of her belongings except her car.

How about when you graciously let your boyfriend's mom ride your couch for a little while (no extra room or bed), and she totally disregards the no smoking in the house rule you have informed her of? Especially when she falls asleep with a cigarette and burns up half a couch cushion? What took the cake is when she (the only smoker living in the house) tried to deny it like a 4-year-old afraid of a time-out. Our solution was to declare her a public fire hazard and ask her to find another couch. We love our kids and home and really don't want to see either torched.

One piece of advice - I got from a Aussie book "He Died with a Felafel in His Hand" is never have a druggie roommate. I think he was mainly talking about hard drugs but I would include pot. First, druggies will very likely steal from you to feed their habit. Second, they are rarely going to be clean or clean so get used to stains, shit and spills. Third - friends, take that one roommate and then multiply with friends who will steal, spill and invite even more friends. Fourth - the law do you think if your apartment gets raided the police will understand that it's only your roommate drugs. Included seizure laws want to to loose your car/TV/computer just because you should turn a blind eye to your friend/roommate indiscretion.

I think my worst roommate would be the teenage girl. I was in my late twenties living with my girlfriend in Australia. When she came to us she had already run away to be with her boyfriend who was 19+. She told us she was going to be going back to school with some sort of back to school program for dropouts and she needed a place near the school. Plus she was on the dole so she did have some money coming in. She told us she was 16. GF was desperate to get a roommate into cut the costs. We felt she was worth the chance. Well start the lies. First off her room is off the living room. Her door is closed but I start to notice a little shadow thru the door jamb once in a while. Soon find out she had a rat as a pet. The rat was okay never mind is illegal to own. Second find out whoops she is not 16 but 15. Third her school which was going to start soon soon gets postponed a few months. Fourth she smokes, Fifth she smokes pot! Never mind she has only a little bit of money coming from the government she has enough to toke up. Now start the theft of food, late with the rent and bills, and not doing cleaning. Okay I will admit me and my gf are not the best when it comes to cleaning but getting nothing from her. Finally ended with me leaving OZ as my visa was ending and her punching me hard enough to draw blood over an argument over dishes. I think back I was so lucky as I left the day she assaulted me. I just imagine what would have happened if the cops had been called - porbally claims of sexual assault, lost ability to visit Australia, missing my flight. My poor girlfriend had to live with her for a few months after and cover for the girls money troubles and deal with her attitude. The girl never did end up going back to school, gf also suspect she was banned from a store for shoplifting too. We got the joys of living with a irresponsible teenager.

My advice is always ignore the sob stories. No matter what the person says about life and how they need a leg up unless they are a close friend I would say next!

Christians are easy to handle Choika.

As a guy talking to a woman christian all you have to do is constantly tell them they are wrong and when they argue point out the passages in the bible that say women are to remain silent and submisive to men especially in spiritual matters.

Get a guy to do this for you.

If they have any grasp on logic(faint hope of that) point out Jebus prommised the world would end about 1900 yrs ago, before the people claiming to be matthew, mark, luke, and john even wrote the gospels.

Are you guys calling for the legalization of drugs noticing the behavior of the people here who do them?

Just being consistent. Now, back to the thread.

I think one may want to distinguish the difference between an addict and a person who uses drugs....However, I wouldn't live with someone who uses drugs.

Mostly, because their illegal, and I wouldn't want my door getting broken down in the middle of the night and having a swat team in there shooting at my dog.

The other is because, obviously, having someone as a roommate who does drugs is more likely to be an addict. Addicts are the ones that steal, cheat, don't pay rent ...etc.

It would be a law of numbers game for me. Not worth risking my personal peace and home for.

I don't know whether you're still checking the original request of this thread or not...but in case you are, I have a serious manners question, that I would love addressed in the book (in some form or fashion):

What do I do when a person honks loudly and repeatedly at six in the morning when he or she is trying to (presumably) tell the person he or she is picking up for work to come down? Because what I really want to do is run out there, across the street, naked and screaming "FUCK OFF." That, of course, would accomplish nothing and instead put the person on the defensive with little likelihood of the behavior ever changing.

Suggestions?

I have had at least 13 roommates but this is the craziest situation that I ever had to deal with.

Freshman year of college I lived with 3 other girls in one large room - two beds on one side and two on the other. Each side of the room had a little open space between the two beds. Girl A & Girl B were on one side and Girl C and I were on the other. Girl A and I were both studying architecture, so during finals we had models to build but while I was pulling an all nighter in the studio (B&C were away), Girl A was coming over onto mine & C's side of the room to build her model.

I came back to the room to get something. A is gone but I notice that while she was varnishing her model she dropped the paint brush into the can of varnish with force and splatter the varnish on to C's white $600 duvet cover(yes she told us how much it was at the beginning of the year - loved her dearly but she was a material girl). I would have been pissed if it was my bed even though my cover was some cheap cotton thing. Girl A had more room on her side of the room but I guess she didn't want to get her stuff dirty, since she had previously flipped out when we all had friends over playing a drinking game and a little bit of beer had spilled on her rug.

When Girl C found out and told A that would she like to work something out to clean it or to cover a new one - Girl A gets mad and tossing the WHOLE CAN OF VARNISH onto the bed! What was a couple of splatter marks became a whole puddle of dark varnish. Luckily it was the end of the year so we only had to deal with her crazy a few more days after that.

Jessica F, eggs out your window (if you live above the street, anyway) aimed at their windshield would probably not fix the situation, but it would bring me great satisfaction if I were in your spot!

"What do you do about a roommates boyfriend who is over the house so much it's like he lives there?

Doesn't pay rent, doesn't pay utilities...and utilizes all the common areas (watching TV you don't want to watch, using the computer, cooking...). Basically, making himself at home instead of acting like a guest."

I can't imagine ever putting up with this or doing this to someone else, period. My roommates and I tend to err in the opposite direction (I share a room with another girl and a third girl has her own room). When I knew one of my hookups was going to be in town and I wanted him to stay over for the night (not have hook up with my roommate in the room, just crash in my bed after we'd been drinking) it was a Really Big Deal. I asked my roommate's permission way in advance and our other roommate lectured me for weeks in advance about how this wasn't a good idea, I shouldn't make my roommate feel uncomfortable in her room, etc. And it's not like she was super-conservative-we all party and have casual hookups-we're just all best friends and super-respectful of each other's boundaries. So the idea of putting up with a boyfriend 24/7 just blows my mind.

Honestly, I just don't get people who are jerks to their roommates, period. Your roommate has so much power to passively-aggressively mess up your life-they could spill water on your laptop, hide your stuff, spit in your food, leave the door unlocked, reveal secrets about your personal life on a college gossip website (probably unique to college students), etc. There's a huge amount of trust built into the relationship and I can't imagine violating that.

On an unrelated note, I find that living with two roommates is much easier than living with one. When it's just one other person and you have an issue with their messiness/loudness/guests over/light's on-light's off/etc, it's hard to know if your concerns are justified or you're being unreasonable. When there's a 3rd person you can talk it over for an additional perspective, and if you are right then you have someone to back you up.

As far as actually dealing with the squatter bf/gf, I would say sit the roommate down and explain that you signed the lease with the expectation that there would be X number of people living in the apartment, and it's not fair to you to subsidize someone who is taking advantage of your common areas and utilities without actually living there. Let her pick from one of two options:

1) Boyfriend contributes financially to rent/utilities/cable and thus retains full roommate rights. You can agree on a set-upon amount-ie if he's around 50% of the time he should pay 50% of his share (maybe a little less because he's not actually getting his own bed/room).

2) Boyfriend hangs out for free but without full roommate rights; ie can't use kitchen or shower, does not get priority with tv/computer/use of common area, can't be in the common areas when your roommate isn't there, etc.

My guess is that she'll refuse option 1 but it's easy to enforce #2 without her consent:

You: *Walk over to TV and change it from Sportscenter to Project Runway.*
BF: Hey! What are you doing? I was watching that!
You: *Calmly explain* Sorry, I pay for the cable and you don't, which means that I get priority over what I want to watch. You can feel free to watch whatever you want over at your place.

If roommate and squatting SO refuse to cooperate with these very reasonable attacks, feel free to launch a passive aggressive campaign to get her to move out, or at least compromise. Strategies include inviting over your most annoying friends to crash for indistinct lengths of time, throwing loud parties the night before she has major exams/has to get up early for work, and/or starting an early morning exercise program on the mornings after she's been out late. Bonus points if you can parrot back any excuses that she previously used to justify her behavior. I saw this issue on another website, and the funniest suggestion was to start walking around in your underwear, making suggestive comments to the boyfriend, and asking your friend how she feels about threeways. Be prepared for the BF to vanish.

Regarding my aforementioned issue of honking (not a roommate thing, but a thing having to do with the location in which I live) -I would say they do it five times a week. I haven't taken note of the days yet (this started last week), but that's my next step, so I know which days to be prepared to respond accordingly - as in, set my own alarm for BEFORE they show up.

I live in the bottom half of a house on the corner of two streets, and the other house (the site of the dawn honking) - actually a house subdivided into four apartments - is across the street.

So, Jessica, while I seriously LOVE your suggestion, I'll have to walk out to my mailbox to do it. But that's okay, throwing eggs and screaming obscenities in the nude at 6:30am would be worth it I think just to see the look on whoever's face. And you know what? I know the police chief here in my small town, quite well, and he would be very understanding. The most I'd have to do is pay a small fine. Also - just thought of this - it's legal for women to be topless in Maine. So as long as I'm wearing bottoms I'm legal anyway.

But Amy, if you have a more productive suggestion, lol, would love to hear it. Thanks for helping!

Thanks, Amy! If the behavior persists (it didn't happen today or yesterday, but this is the weekend) I will take the advice this week.

And you're right...camera phones would be the death of any shred of dignity I have.

How do you tell the idiot in front of you on an airplane who insists on reclining his seat during the day or during meal service that your seat tray is cuttinginto your diaphragm and that you can no longer sit with your feet touching the floor.

How do you tell the idiot in front of you on an airplane who insists on reclining his seat during the day or during meal service that your seat tray is cuttinginto your diaphragm and that you can no longer sit with your feet touching the floor.

"What do you do when your neighbor's dog is barking loudly outside at 9 pm? Can you shoot the dog?"

What I'd be tempted to do with any noise annoyance- music, barking, fighting,loud sex- Is record it with a high quality recorder, and play it back toward the offender's window with speakers at a time they are "resting", sleeping, fucking, or dining.
With music, it would be fun to play back their least favorite type of music.
I could be tortured fast, if country music was played into my window.

to: Shannon
Regarding your honking issue. As a NYC resident I am no stranger to honking horns in the wee hours of the morning. As technology has progressed, you now have some interesting options. First, camera phone, video with sound. Get up early and wait for them every morning for a week. Record each morning and make sure that your video has date and time stamp. Write a letter, and get all neighbors to sign it. Report, with video to local precinct.
Ps. make sure you get license plate number in the video so that this person can be legally tracked down.
Your efforts would be redoubled by getting neighbors involved who also have video and camera phones. As Amy points out, the more people behind you, the better. If your local precinct is inundated with complaints that include video, and photos, they will have little choice but to put a stop to it.
Second, if in fact you manage to get neighbors willing to help, try all going out together in the morning to confront the honker. That may put a stop to it without police involvement, but make sure you do NOTHING illegal as that will destroy your credibility with the authorities.
Good Luck!!!