I think you showed remarkable restraint in not picking on his stilted prose and spelling/grammar errors in your second response.

I think his answer was obnoxious. There's no harm in asking, but no means no.

I do find it strange how unwilling you are to help people out and do the networking thing from the upper end. Most of the business owners and older professionals I know love playing Lady/Lord Bountiful and dispensing advice. But that's your business, and if you don't want to you don't have to, and the kid needs to learn that while some people will help out, others won't.

What NicoleK said. Amy's first response was "no", and he should have accepted it. That said, while his response was a bit rude, Amy's second reply shows that she needs to read a book...hmmm...something about "rude people"...

It would have cost nothing to remain pleasant, while underlining her previous "no".

Not bad, Amy. Here's how I would have responded:

Dear Amy, All I wanted to know was how you became so successful as an Advice Columnist with no psychology background or degree.

And all I said was, that I was afraid I couldn't help you at this time, without some compensation for said time. I said it very politely, I might add.

I am new at this and I wanted inspiration to be someone like you out there helping others. But, I guess money is more important to you than helping.

Not sure where this suddenly came from. Anger? Anyway, you're talking to somebody who, judging by this statement of yours, values and understands the nature of capitalism a lot better than you do. You DO understand that the MORE money I make, the MORE people I can help, right? Whereas, if I give advice away, the more time I have to spend NOT helping folks by working at something else, so that I can pay the rent and put food on the table. Maybe a good economics course would help you out.

I know the economy is tough these days. I know all about that being fresh out of college. But, as an Advice Columnist, you should put helping people above a pay.

Really? Sure, it would be wonderful if the world worked that way. But it doesn't. Call up your doctor and ask him what would happen to his practice if his patients' checks kept bouncing. You might be quite surprised by his answer.

I am doing this for free at my local newspaper for free (I have a big following as well) each week.

Fantastic, that's your choice. Still not sure why or how your choice should affect my choices, however. It's called personal freedom, and it's at the foundation of why you get to be a Christian and I get to be an atheist. Funny how that works.

Showing that email to my co-workers at the newspaper, too, they agree with my opinion at hand along with many other writers I work with outside the newspaper. I wanted to be like you after reading your articles and looking at the books you have published. But, after that email, you are the exact advice columnist I don't want to be. I want people to come to me knowing I will help them no matter what.

What can I say? If everything you said in the above statement is actually really true, and you guys actually really are in the business of giving away unlimited help for free, you and your co-workers are probably more selfless than, oh, I'd estimate about 99.99% of all of humanity. As for me, I choose to partake of a different course in life, the professional course. And, facts is facts: about 99.99% of all the other advice columnists you've ever heard of tread much closer in their own lives to my professional philosophy (i.e., perform and get paid) than yours (give away the store, hope for the best). If you all enjoy giving away stuff for free and can afford to keep doing it forever, have at it. Hats off to you. But then again, it also kinda sorta sounds like your entire staff could benefit from a great Capitalism 101 course.

I guess I am going to have to find a new inspiration. But, I will never stop what I do: having a want to help others no matter what.

Great, good for you. Go for it. I really do wish you all the best, although it sounds to me like you could use some work at learning to respect other people and their choices. You're a Christian, right? Remember what Christ said about throwing stones?

Thank you for all your time. I appreciate that much at least. Best Wishes, Eric

And best wishes to you, although I've the strong impression you don't mean this, you just ended this way out of custom/habit.

PS. I personally think you'll be a much better, much more qualified advice columnist once you become a bit less entitled, a bit more mature, and a bit more respectful of other people's choices and the realities of life. Just my two cents.

Well, you mentored the hell out of that kid.

I can't get anything out of this except dismay at the writing skills of someone about to graduate college. This was not an informal email to a friend he was composing here, I assume he wrote it as well as he could. Scary.

Agreed, M4. I feel sorry for the person who has to edit his columns for publication.

As M4 noted he, first and foremost, lacks writing skills.

I saw the grammar errors in the first letter and was appalled. Even if the sentence structure was better, sending that to a professional, without having someone else at least reading it and correcting it is bad.

I can't get anything out of this except dismay at the writing skills of someone about to graduate college. This was not an informal email to a friend he was composing here, I assume he wrote it as well as he could.

I'm an editor, and I can't tell you how many manuscripts I've gotten that read like this -- not from novices, but from writers who've been printed in some impressive publications.

It's understandable when someone is writing a column about his or her field of expertise -- if you're a jobs guru, a fitness expert, an investment advisor, etc., it's your job to provide expertise and my job to bring it to an editorial standard.

This guy wants to be a writer. He's not there. That's not being unkind. I can take pretty good snaps with my iPhone, but that doesn't qualify me to be a photographer. Nor would I contact a professional photographer - a total stranger - and ask what she thinks should be the subject of my photos.

Why don't you hook him up with crid?

Randomized thoughts:
•He's doing it for free so I guess you should too? (wrong!)
•His writing is appallingly bad so I figure the paper is getting its money's worth.
•For a nominal Christian, he shows no understanding of grace or gratitude so I have to doubt his ability to offer any good advice.

Amy, I think you showed admirable restraint.

Does this guy not understand that despite his relative newness and inexperience, he's still the competition?

Coke doesn't give its recipe to Pepsi ... or even smaller competitors like Cheerwine or Henry Weinhard.

He may be a free intern, but if his paper is running him for free, it won't consider picking you up ... for pay.

That said, I think you could have been a little kinder to him and given him some boilerplate advice, "Stay in school." "Don't do drugs."

On the other hand....

"There are two secrets to success in this world. First, don't reveal everything you know. Any questions?"

- and -

"Beware the advice of successful people. They do not seek company." -- Dogbert

=========================

But, as an Advice Columnist, you should put helping people above a pay.

If he's going to be a successful advice columnist, he needs to lose the naiveté ... quickly.

Don't doctors work for free? And psychologists work for free, too, right? Oh.

You mean it's not okay to ask a handyman to fix your sink for free where you would pay a licensed plumber to do it?

I'm angry that someone who writes like that is about to earn a BA in anything.

If I were trying to appeal to a famous author's ego, I think I would mention the titles of her books and demonstrate that I'd read them. "I see from your biography that you've written award winning books." Reminds me of the journalist who interviewed Vivien Leigh and asked her the name of the character she'd be playing in "Gone With the Wind."

First off, give the guys editor wont ever let him opine on anthing beyond christian approved, ie what the editor thinks is the right kind of chritian ideals, I dont see how any advice Amy might have given could have ever been applied to his current job

Secondly, had he taken the time to peruse Amys website, both colums and the blg posts relating to her work and work ethic he probably would have gotten close to 3/4 of what Amy might have told him anyway

Ah! It's brilliant! Like that old Japanses sword-master who taught his students by attacking them with sticks when they least expected it. The best advice to give to a writer is "Get used to rejection." And Amy's given him a taste. And when the student fails to grasp the lesson, the master boxes his ears and calls him a dunce.
Nice work.

I swear to God, I know how to spell "Japanese."

I'm a film editor for TV shows and motion pictures - I've long since lost count the number of times I've been approached to cut (for free) a reel for some student filmmaker I've never met or "take a quick look at" some daughter of a friend-of-friend's first project and give my feedback (for free).

The only creative professionals I know who have it worse are writers. Lucky you :)

I don't know if it's a generational thing or if, because of social networking email and twitter people just feel like they can reach out and touch anyone regardless of how well known or important. David Buss has undergraduates writing to him asking if they can interview him for a final year project, mostly he ignores them because he would spend a week talking to every last one of them and there are plenty of interviews with him online.
The way he asked you for help was with almost backhanded compliments and very little research ;he talked more about himself than about you. The ONLY way I have gotten responses from well known people is to flatter them immensely, to show how much I have been paying attention to their work and how much I know about them. If I was him and I seriously wanted a mentor I would have read your book, written a good review of it and spent most of the email talking about how and why you are admired. Would that have worked, Amy?

Entitlement disorder ahoy!

You're a better man than I am Gunga Din. I would have outed him.

I would definitely send him the post, which is much gentler than outing him. Then he can decide whether to out himself.

Count mine as "FOR!"

I don't find it the least bit strange. To provide that kind of counsel takes time, he wanted essentially a full on interview and how to guide. Fine, but if he really wants that from someone who knows what is what and how to do what he wants to do, it SHOULD be worth it to him to pay for it.

The smarmy little "You should do this for free" attitude and smug condescension about her values shows that, quite frankly, he isn't as familiar with her as he claims.

If he were, he'd know about her charitable work and the areas where she does contribute for free to the greater good of society. I might have responded to him differently, like maybe giving him some free advice about where he can stick his attitude.

Frankly I was surprised at how many written mistakes there were in his messages. I'm not a grammar nazi or anything, but after a few to many blatant ones, its hard to keep reading.

Its no wonder he's not being paid to write.

Voting for sending him the post!

If I were you, I'd send out a boilerplate "no, sorry" message once to each requester and leave it at that. Your reply #2 was a great read, but I doubt it will get through to this boy, who (at least at this stage of his life) seems to lack the kind of discernment and insight it takes to be a good writer and advice columnist.

A thought occurs to me.

He is about to graduate with a BA in "Music". But he really wants to "Write".

A. Unless he wants to "Write Music" he took the wrong major.

Why on earth would you go for a degree in a field you did not want to work in?

B. To answer my own question, so you can support the long term dream you want to pursue. LIke someone who pursues a profitable day job/career while pursuing their dream career as an artist or something.

How the fuck will a BA in Music help him pursue what he really wants to do?

This kid has no plan of action but to give away his time and his work for free and hope that somebody will decide to pay him for it.

It doesn't work that way.

At least three thousand years of history, theological debates, politics, schisms, heresies, philosophies, art, music, architecture, epistemology, apocrypha, and countless denominations and he is running out of things to write about?

Here's some free advice: LW, if you want to be a good writer you've got to be a good reader first. Pick up a dummies guide to Kantian or Calvinist philosophy. Reald CS Lewis and Oswald Chambers. Find out why the Greek Orthodox say icons are okay and the Catholic church says they aren't. Research the debate on whether the Centurion with the ill servant was gay based on the use of the greek word "pais."

Oh, and even Jesus became exasperated when people didn't listen to what he was saying. And he didn't give out miracles just because he was asked. (Mark 8:11-13)

DAMN STRAIGHT ELLE! Oh how I wish I could "Like" posts.

I missed the voting that counts, but I vote SEND!

Did anyone notice how in the first letter, he wanted to know how to become successful, but in the second, he states he has a, "big following," or was that just me?

Isn't one of the marks of being successful with a column having a big following? If he's so successful, then why is he going on about how new he is and how he needs all this help? Contradiction?

I've seen this in bullies whose bluffs are called. They say, "everyone agrees with me," and storm out. In my personal history, not only does "everyone" not agree with them, almost nobody has even heard of what the issue is.

Oh, and while Amy may not have a degree (which is NOT synonymous with "background"), I would strongly argue that she does, indeed, have "background" in psychology... or maybe spending hours every week reading the works of and talking to the psychologists/biologists/professors/etc. doesn't provide any experience or knowledge.

So.

No crid then?

I would just like to mention particularly for the benefit of some other commenters that Amy has offered me advice on publishing and writing on at least two occasions, and she doesn't know me other than the fact that I'm an occasional commenter on her blog. I, too, have tried writing an advice column, and I failed, which is okay, I'm a hard worker and am capable of pursuing other career avenues. Regardless, the biggest difference between my own advice seeking of Amy and that of this misguided idiot (aside from the fact that I'm capable of decent grammar) is that I have asked very specific questions necessitating only brief answers. I recognize that Amy's time is both sparse and valuable. I would never ask a broad question that can only be answered in the form of a book. How to be successful? Goodness.

What bothers me more is that you felt the need to defend yourself to him and tell him of the things you do to help people. He isn't owed that explanation.

I wouldn't have a problem with him sending an email asking for advice to start out because he admires you. It is suggested frequently in school that reaching out to those you admire is a good thing.

I think part of it is the social networking angle. We Tweet and Facebook and it depersonalizes things so he thinks nothing of sending an email.

He blew it when he responded in an insulted manner. He should have thanked you for your time and stated that at this time he wasn't in a position to pay and he hopes to be in a better position in the future. That is when he could have signed "Best Wishes."

"What bothers me more is that you felt the need to defend yourself to him and tell him of the things you do to help people."

I know perfectly well not to wrestle a pig.

And yet I always wrestle.

> There are many times I choose to
> be diplomatic.

Probably the fifth link of this on this blog, but it's a frequent thought about American character and the nature of diplomacy.

We were not put on this planet to walk around firing beams of sunshine out of every orifice.

To wit:

> Why don't you hook him up with crid?

Hey, man, whatsis gotta do wit' me?

If Young Snot wanted advice on how to be a successful writer, I think Ms Alkon gave him a lot more of value than he asked for. He may not understand it now, but in her straight forward response she articulated a good deal of the reality he'll be experiencing in the not too distant future.

There was nothing rude or inappropriate about her tone either. Her bluntness should teach the naive Young Snot something about just how inappropriate his expectations were - something he should have been taught by his parents and teachers long before now. If she had been more polite her reply wouldn't have had as much value.

Since Young Snot spends his time "helping people" for free, I wonder who pays for his food, and when they'll stop doing that. Because when they do, Young Snot will begin to appreciate the value of Ms Alkon's response.

Why don't you hook him up with crid?

Posted by: Steve Daniels at June 2, 2012 9:19 AM

Ok, I chuckled at this. Thanks Steve.

I want my, I want my, I want my advice column advice for free.

Coming late to the game. Sorry if I repeat what is already commented as I skimmed the messages.

Point 1. I found Amy's first reply little abrupt. Not downright rude but hmmm little crass. You know money and that. Amy is a generous but at times is mercenary advice giver. She does not always do stuff for free. She does have to feed herself and Lucy.

Point 2. I suspect the guy, shotgun approached. He is looking for advice and maybe a mentor. So he finds some people to ask. Makes a list and goes at it. Tries to make each letter a little personal. Nice try it failed. Come on if you knew Amy and you are Christian you would not ask her!

Point 3. It was commented on. He did not take rejection well. Not everybody does, me too. But he should have sighed, had a little pout and grumble to himself, stiffened his lip and moved on. If he was smart a little email back of "Thanks anyways, too bad. Bye"

Point 4.
Understanding human nature and how life works. From the 48 Laws of Power -

Law 13 - When Asking for Help, Appeal to People's Self Interest, Never to their Mercy or Gratitude.

You would think people would know this. I try this all the time. Amazingly it works. But other things about people. When asking for a favor start small. If he said some like Hi I am new at this. When you have the time can you give some quick and simple advice. Does not need to be too much. Maybe some tips or things I should try and do? If not thanks anyways" Sometimes when you ask for a little, you will get surprised with a lot. But when you ask a lot, expect to get nothing.

Once again he really flopped.

Point 5. This is the one that drives me round the bend. I am one some forums and online groups. One for about 10-11 years. In these groups I try to help people with my vast knowledge of that groups area of interest. I can be a sarcastic asshole at times, but I will help. But over the years I have seen a degradation of standards in thought and thinking. It has gone from a question/problem hope I get some help and it is helpful. Maybe, maybe not. Hmm what can I do, think..."

But with the advent of new easier social media sites and the easy of access of the Net. Posts and replies from people have become the "Burger King" standard of "You can have it your way"

Time and time again I have had people ask a question or have a problem. OK... and they want....

1. For free.
2. Done right now. Not later. Right now.
3. Done it this way. No alternatives or incomplete advice, stay on topic and I will decide what is on topic, good or bad.
4. If possible do all the work for me.
5. Please read my mind of the details that are missing.
6. I can ignore your advice at will and demand new or better advice.
7. No requests for details that can help. Or for me to do something that can help you, help me.
8. Most of all please do it nicely and kindly. You can not hurt my feelings if I am being stupid or foolish. Never mind that the feelings are on a hair trigger. (I once hurt someones feelings with the two words - common sense.)

I could droll on about this forever. But whoever says that the Internet and Social Media would be a revolution and a new era of thinking/knowledge is wrong, really fucking wrong. People are getting stupider and lazy. I see it! I mean it.... Stupider I say! Sigh...

(Just saw Amy's comment of this guy wrote the letter on his IPhone! Calm.... I really wanted to scream when I read that.)

I know you are not unkind to Christians. I should have explained what I meant. I was going to in the previous pst, but I thought it would be understood...

Well I meant if I was a Christian (well which I am) writer and I was looking for advice on giving advice. I would look with similar people other Christian columnists, pastors, even "spiritual people", not a funny atheist take no nonsense advice columnist. It would be akin to a meat lover asking a vegetarian for some recipes. The meat lover might get some ideas for some dishes to try but still will be feeling a bit unsatisfied.

As I warned I skimmed a bit quickly. So maybe I got the direct terminology wrong. Sorry if I insulted you. At times you have your business side, which I understand. I have also seen your generous and nice side from your various posts over the years. I have actually looked at your page about the direct private help a few times.

You are spot on about helping people. Just wish the LW had noticed that. You just explained the Law 13 I was talking about. When it related to your self interest you will help and that self interest is questions that relate the sex, love, and relationships.

I help people on forums, to find out more of bad situations, I get caught up in the dramas (Your boss did what!?). Or I help because I get the high from being a know it all (This is what you do.....). But I will ignore, when it does not interest me or allow me to show off or express my opinion or various other reasons.

Self Interest is more then money, as you have shown. People need to ask that question - what motivates me to do something. Change around a bit - What can I do to motivate this person to help me. Many people do not get it. They just shove the problem into someones hand and say do this for me. Then they get mad when some person goes "Why?." or "No.'

(really got to learn the bbcode stuff)

> Ok, I chuckled at this.

I doan gittit. EVERYBODY has good advice, as long as they can choose the topic....

Hey, if I need my younger cousin to mow the lawn for me because I busted my ankle or something, I pony up 40 dollars for him without even thinking about asking him to do it for free due to my unfortunate situation. Incentives work.

Hey, if I need my younger cousin to mow the lawn for me because I busted my ankle or something, I pony up 40 dollars for him without even thinking about asking him to do it for free due to my unfortunate situation. Incentives work.