How Not To Design Your Cellphone Manners: "A Lot Of People Act Like Assholes, So I Will, Too"
Noelle Carter has a story in the LA Times that's headlined, "Hey, Snapchatters, a new dining survey says it's OK to use your cellphone at dinner."
My response: No, it's fucking not.
It's mean. It's rude. There's little that feels as bad as having somebody turn away from conversation with you to something that -- clearly -- is more interesting and important to them.
The survey, as reported in her piece:
When it comes to cellphones, 54% of Angelenos surveyed have no problem with pulling out a phone at dinner, so long as the phone is used in moderation (and, we suppose, you're not ignoring your dinner date).
And there's an explanation for that 54%.
I write in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" about "attribution bias":
[It] describes how we tend to think far more charitably about ourselves and our own behavior than other people and theirs.
And then there's how prone we are to self-justification -- a topic studied by social psychologist Elliot Aronson. Anything to give our ego a soft-landing.
So, people who use their phones in restaurants -- while their friend or partner is sitting right there -- are likely to give it a thumbs up on a survey.
Again, this doesn't mean it's nice or an okay thing to do. It means that there are a lot of assholes out there.
Here's my bit on this subject from "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck":
• When a person on a phone is multitasking deep into your eyes As I wrote in my advice column, answering the phone while at a restaurant with a date is the digital version of deserting your dining companion and bopping over to sit with friends across the restaurant. Texting? In old-school terms, it's like whipping out a pen and legal pad and saying to your date, "You busy yourself with that pork chop, sweetcheeks. Got a couple letters I gotta mail out first thing."When your dining companion gets on the phone or starts texting, don't just sit there pretending to examine your napkin for hidden messages. Allowing disrespect tells people you're okay with it. If the person's a friend, put your foot down: You're not going to share their attention with the sports scores (and that goes for any covert peeks, as well).
On a date, if there aren't understandable extenuating circumstances for the interruption, you're within your rights to excuse yourself to the bathroom and crawl out through the window. At the very least, strongly consider making it your last date with them.
Their flagrant lack of consideration doesn't bode well for a relationship, nor does any flagrant lack of response from you. In short, you get what you put up with. As I noted in that column, "if you're going to invite somebody to dinner and ignore them, at least have the decency to get married first and build up years of bitterness and resentment."
Did "phone stacking" ever have a real chance? (First person to pick up the phone pays for the date.)
I'm not going to say it's primarily women and teens who do this, I'm just going to say whatever happened to women demanding I be "present", "mindful", "sensitive", let them "orgasm"?
jerry at January 28, 2016 12:38 AM
It depends. Two counterexamples:
- It depends on what you are doing. I frequently pull out my phone when having lunch with my wife. Usually, because something comes up in conversation - "what are you doing on the 17th? ", or "what the heck is a 'crore'?"
- It depends on how social you are. I'm not. Neither is my wife. If we have run out of conversational topics, we may both happily dive into our phones or Kindles.
a_random_guy at January 28, 2016 6:36 AM
Some people will claim they're constantly their texts and Facebook in case there's an "emergency" with their kid/husband/dog/whatever. Because, obviously, if the babysitter has called the ambulance, she's going to TEXT you about it. More likely, she's going to CALL you. And, for that reason, I have no problem if I'm dining with a friend, their phone rings, and they dig it out of their purse to glance at the number and check if it's the baby sitter's number -- or, say, a family member's number if someone they love is in the hospital.
Otherwise, if answering texts is so important, just excuse yourself to the bathroom and take care of it there.
We also need to all lower our expectations for immediate response. Stop getting mad if you text someone and they don't get back to you within 2 minutes. Don't follow up by typing "?" to compel a response if they haven't responded in an hour. They could be at a movie or having dinner with friends or on a plane or busy at work.
sofar at January 28, 2016 7:41 AM
Is it still rude if both people have their phones out and are texting--with each other?
Rex Little at January 28, 2016 8:57 AM
It isn't rude Rex. But it is asinine.
I side with Random. We aren't very chatty people either so I'll pull out the phone to pull of topics of conversation. But that is a special case.
Ben at January 28, 2016 9:46 AM
On a date, if there aren't understandable extenuating circumstances for the interruption, you're within your rights to excuse yourself to the bathroom and crawl out through the window. At the very least, strongly consider making it your last date with them.
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Trouble is, of course, far too many people under 40 (50?) have never been told it's bad manners to ignore your date - that there's no real difference between staring silently at the ceiling and staring at your phone. Technology does not excuse rudeness. So they would not understand those who take offense. Bottom line: If you think someone is otherwise likeable enough to be worth reforming (providing you try to do it slowly and gently), don't give up right away. One method might be to say: "Excuse me, I wouldn't ignore you like that; please don't do it to me." (You may have to spell out what you mean.)
I was in Italy a few years ago, acting as amateur nanny to a 5-year-old boy whose Russian father had also come along and allowed him to bring a tablet to play Angry Birds on. Fair enough, but when we were at the kid's wealthy uncle's house (he's Russian too) and sitting down to a meal and I told him "would you put that away and pay attention to the people around you," his uncle and his wife were astounded that I would expect that. (As I remember, the couple was in their mid-late 30s - I think.)
Getting back to my first paragraph, another sad example is kids who are "invited" to birthday parties only to find out, beforehand, that they will have to pay for the entertainment - or even more than that. More and more, parents of the invitees see no reason to fight against this appalling practice, even if they wouldn't practice this themselves, and eventually, they join the pack. It's all about "keeping up with the Joneses" at others' expense.
It is NOT all right to charge your "guests." It doesn't matter how rich they are or how poor you are. (As Miss Manners says: "It is vulgar to notice how much money other people make.") It's one thing to suggest to a group of friends that you go out together and split the bill. It's another matter when you make it "your" party - and thus make yourself the "host" - by mentioning that it's your birthday and then refusing to offer any hospitality.
Here's a thread on that:
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/06/13/11_essential_et.html
lenona at January 28, 2016 11:32 AM
It's mean. It's rude. There's little that feels as bad as having somebody turn away from conversation with you to something that -- clearly -- is more interesting and important to them.
My sentiments exactly. But, sadly, it seems to be the direction we're headed, with everyone in their self-absorbed technosphere.
JD at January 29, 2016 8:00 PM
It isn't rude Rex. But it is asinine.
Well yeah, that was kind of my point. You see it happening a lot in comedies and TV commercials, so I sometimes wonder if it's become commonplace among the younger generation.
Rex Little at January 31, 2016 10:03 AM
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