Second To Nun
I grew up witnessing my sister and close friends being chased after by many guys, some even claiming to be in love. Then there's me, 23, never in a relationship, and barely ever sought after. I'm not unattractive, but I've just begun to get it together with the clothes, the hair, and what not. I lost my virginity last year in a hookup on vacation. I'm now dating somebody I don't see as relationship material, but who goes MIA, calls randomly, and makes me initiate us hanging out. I'm literally STARVED for attention, tired of coming in last place, and meeting men who act interested, but turn out to be distant, sex-crazed maniacs. I feel sick to my stomach when I see how late in the game I am compared to my friends. Am I doing something wrong?
--Late Bloomer
Your problem isn't that you don't have the perfect boyfriend right here, right now, but that you're in a panic about it, probably making you about as seductive as a mountain lion that hasn't eaten for weeks: "Shall I pounce on you from above, claw your heart out and eat it raw, or do you feel you need a glass of wine first?"
You appear to be confusing your love life with "The Amazing Race." Your sister, your friends, and all their men are licking fondue off each other's fingers on a plane to the Swiss Alps, while you're in the dressing room of some dusty sporting goods store, waiting for the manager to come back from lunch and unstick the zipper of your snowsuit. And why aren't you doing exactly what your sister and friends are doing, exactly when they're doing it? Um...because you are not them? Sadly, there's a good chance some of them are also better at long division, and have much shinier hair.
At the moment, you're with some guy you're not that into, who makes you feel bad because he treats you like an afterthought. This should tell you something -- something like, "Hey, self, maybe it's time to leave!" What, leave? Because a guy has you feeling not just starved but "STARVED" for attention? Well, does sticking around for more seem like a better idea?
Yeah, it's harsh out there, particularly at 23. Guys are distant because they're 23 and not that comfortable with themselves. They're also vats of hormones with shoes and maybe a mustache for a disguise. In other words, it's not exactly the ideal time to find lasting love. It is, however, a great time to figure out what you want in a lasting love by trying on a lot of fleeting "love." To do that, you'll have to stop living like you'll turn into a cleaning lady and your car will turn into a corn dog if you don't land the romance of the century by midnight.
While you're at it, you might relax some in the "grass is greener" department. Judge the value of what you're doing by whether it makes you happy, not by whether your friends did it by age 12. Try to remember that things aren't always as they seem from the outside. Sure, way back when, maybe there were a few claims of love tossed at your sister and friends, and maybe even a "Wherefore art thou, Heather" -- if that's what it took for a 14-year-old boy to get Heather to let him stick his hand inside her bra.
Maybe I'm reading this wrong but the desperation in this letter screams "I want a baby" at me.
Kinda hard to do when you dont seem to be having sex?
BTW what exactly is a 'sex-maniac' to someone who just barely lost their virginity?
lujlp at September 9, 2008 8:53 PM
BTW what exactly is a 'sex-maniac' to someone who just barely lost their virginity?
Yeah, that's the first thing that popped into my head, too. That and the "I'm not unattractive" line. The women I've known who've made similar claims have ranged from gorgeous to hideous. Anyway, she sounds like she wants a man but is then surprised when she has one and he acts like a typical man. I understand. I'd love to have a sexual relationship with someone who is more emotionally like a man, but I'm not gay. Them's the breaks.
By the way, luljp, did you get a new browser?
Shawn at September 9, 2008 10:51 PM
Heh. I love when people misuse the word "literally."
snakeman99 at September 9, 2008 11:47 PM
I didn't even notice the misuse of literally. That's pretty funny.
In her defense...its hard to know what is normal boyfriend behavior if you haven't dated a whole lot before. I would take, not initiating plans and all the rest as a lack of interest on the boyfriend's part and pull out. I want to know from other commenters... is that normal?
Lily at September 9, 2008 11:57 PM
No Shawn, why do you ask?
lujp at September 10, 2008 3:09 AM
To Snakeman and Lily: According to Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, the definition of the word literally:
1: In a literal sense or manner: ACTUALLY (took the remark~>
2: in effect: Virtually
Usage: Since some people take sense 2 to be the opposite of the sense 1, it has been frequently criticized as a misuse. Instead, the use is pure hyperbole intended to gain emphasis, but it often appears in contexts where no additional emphasis is necessary.
Jan at September 10, 2008 3:32 AM
Lily, that's what I instantly thought too. Dude's not really into her but is the type who if called will shrug and say sure, why not? She needs (to quote Judge Judy) put a period at the end of that sentence and move on.
LW has major self-esteem issues. Mostly from assuming everyone else is happy and she's not. Some she assumes are, probably are; others, not so much. Mostly, life has its ups and downs. Get hip to that fact and realize no one's is a bed of roses.
A good start to building that self-esteem would be to stop comparing herself to others and thinking she comes up short simply because she is not them and to start living her life for herself.
T's Grammy at September 10, 2008 5:07 AM
I would take, not initiating plans and all the rest as a lack of interest on the boyfriend's part and pull out. I want to know from other commenters... is that normal?
Well, what's normal for some isn't "normal" for others, but yeah, if I'm consistently making more of an effort than he is, I'm outta there. Life's too short to dance with ugly men. Especially if they don't know how to lead.
But this girl sounds like she's got self-esteem issues, like T's Grammy says. Time to replace that wishbone with a backbone and move on. You know, counseling could help her; even if she only goes for a couple of intense sessions, it might help her figure out just why "everyone else" seems to be having more fun than she is. YMMV
Flynne at September 10, 2008 5:24 AM
Its hard to feel like your friends are the belles of the ball and you're a wallflower. She needs to step back and see what kind of signals she's sending out and maybe even ask her friends and sister. I don't say this because she should constantly compare, but at 23, if nobody's knocking it could be something she's doing. Don't change to what others want, but make sure that you are approachable. 23 is a hard age and I would never go back. The only hope I can offer to her as someone who was socially awkward and shy, is that I came out of my shell in my late 20's and early 30's. I've made my share of mistakes, but I learned from them. Once you are comfortable with yourself and feel good about who you are, you will send out the right signals to men who are worthy.
Kristen at September 10, 2008 5:31 AM
lujlp says: "Maybe I'm reading this wrong but the desperation in this letter screams 'I want a baby' at me."
You're reading it wrong. You might as well be saying that it's a truth universally acknolwedged that a single woman who says she's in want of a boyfriend must really be in want of a baby.
Quizzical at September 10, 2008 7:39 AM
It wasnt that she wanted a boy friend that got me thinking babies quiz it was this quote
I'm literally STARVED for attention, tired of coming in last place
lujlp at September 10, 2008 8:27 AM
No Shawn, why do you ask?
Well, um, let's just say your post contained less of the "unique" spelling that I've come to expect from you. :) So, I thought you might have switched to something that has a spellchecker. When Firefox added a spellchecker, it was a great improvement in my browsing life.
Shawn at September 10, 2008 8:55 AM
Most women who are "STARVED" for attention are... ahem... annoying as shit. Maybe that's her problem. If the guy she's dating goes MIA and never initiates plans, he's NOT her boyfriend. He's boning her because it's convenient. Notice that she thinks this is about hair and makeup and "the game." I'd agree that she sounds desperate, but not necessarily for a baby.
Also a possibility that she's shooting way out of her league.
ahw at September 10, 2008 8:58 AM
Nope, my spelling tends to sufffer when I get too exitable, I start typing so fast tht my mild dyslxia become far more pronounced
lujlp at September 10, 2008 9:26 AM
I've always thought that, in order for attraction to thrive, both parties must believe that the other can have anyone else in the room. OR that the other party has something better to do (ie, both parties must perceive that the other is of high value).
I'm really shy, so I know this is really hard to pull off. Just be busy. Always have something to do--so that if a guy wants to make plans with you, you can say with complete honesty, "No, I can't do that night, how about the next weekend?" Or, if a guy cancels, instead of falling into a tailspin, you can think, "OK, whew, now I have time to finish X, Y, and Z."
sofar at September 10, 2008 10:31 AM
How on earth does being starved (STARVED) for attention and tired of being in last place equate to wanting a baby? Now granted, I have zero interest in babies and have thankfully aged out of that whole scene (whew!) but it's my observation that women who have babies get LESS attention (because everyone is now focused on the kid, not mom) and, for better or worse, definitely come in last place after the kid. Which is evolutionarily a fine thing--the young of the tribe need to be cared for, adults are less essential to the future of the species once they've procreated, all that good stuff. But someone who wants to be adored by a man and feel sexy and suchlike would have to be truly psychotic to assume that spawning would deliver same. IMHO.
Anathema at September 10, 2008 5:01 PM
ahw says: Most women who are "STARVED" for attention are... ahem... annoying as shit. Maybe that's her problem. If the guy she's dating goes MIA and never initiates plans, he's NOT her boyfriend. He's boning her because it's convenient. Notice that she thinks this is about hair and makeup and "the game." I'd agree that she sounds desperate, but not necessarily for a baby.
It's a truism to say that no one likes desperate, or annoying, or people who are not complete, etc. It seems to make sense, yet I've seen way too many couples in which one of them is desperate, needy, clingy, jealous, crazy, etc., to trust that. It may turn off SOME people, but there are others who thrive on it--they love needy and desperate because it makes it less likely they'll be dumped. I think those who don't have significant others are more likely to be "socially inept." But that's hard to quantify, or define with one term. It's a relative quality, to be socially inept. So it's easier to give it a more specific word like "desperate". In truth, people might be desperate cause they're not getting any, rather than not getting any because they're desperate.
Quizzical at September 10, 2008 8:25 PM
I wonder whether the LW is less wrapped up in loneliness and more wrapped up in her vision of what she thinks her life should be. She thinks she should be in a stable relationship, having lots of sex, paving the road to marriage, etc.
But I may be projecting here. The LW seems very much like I was 7 years ago. If the LW is still reading these comments: Don't hurry this phase. I got married at 23 to the first guy who asked because of self-esteem issues. It was five miserable years before I grew a big enough pair to leave him, and two more years before I met someone I really, really see myself spending the rest of my life with. Being lonely because you're alone sucks, but it's not the worst thing that can happen to you. It sucks far more to be lonely because you made a lousy choice. Then you feel lonely and stupid.
MonicaP at September 11, 2008 6:16 AM
Yeah, Monica.
Best: being in loving, healthy relationship
Hell on earth: being in dysfunctional relationship
Second best: being alone
Quizzical at September 11, 2008 8:07 AM
This gal just sounds like a late bloomer to me. She's not going through anything different than anyone else has, it's just that most people pass through this stage much younger. She also sounds inexperienced - the guy she is currently dating doesn't treat her very well, but for all she knows that's how all guys treat women. Dating gets a lot better in your 30's.
Pirate Jo at September 12, 2008 2:13 PM
I don't mean to be nasty, but any woman who is truly "barely ever sought after" is probably UNattractive. Most guys are generally horndogs and will pursue nearly anything non-repulsive with breasts. I bet she's overweight or something. If you're not at least noticing guys hitting on you at age 23, something is wrong. Now I've known/dated VERY sexy women who had deep self-esteem issues and literally never noticed or believed when guys pursued her, so maybe this is a self-esteem problem and not an unattractiveness problem (probably, as the LW seems to think that just slapping on the right hair and clothes will cover up inner uncertainty). Or there is some personality or behavioral trait that is obviously repulsive - e.g. entitlement. Or she doesn't put out, so guys are disappearing quickly (healthy men are 'sex-crazed maniacs', is this a way of saying she thinks it's wrong for a man in his 20s to want sex these days and doesn't allow it? - not enough details.)
David J at September 16, 2008 12:49 PM
@Quizzical, who said, "I think those who don't have significant others are more likely to be 'socially inept.'"
No, some of us who don't have significant others choose not to because we think everyone else is 'socially inept.'
I jumped into a number of relationships with the wrong people (despite warning signs from the beginning) because I was excited by the possibility of a relationship. Finally after the most disastrous I decided to just stop it all. Part of what enabled me to do so was becoming hyperpicky and seeing unforgivable flaws in everybody, including people I might have previously found attractive. I've been single two years and while sure it might sometimes be nice to have someone to cuddle up to at night, I've decided it's way better to be single than to be in a sucky relationship with somebody who at best annoys you or at worst sets you on the emotional roller coaster.
banana peel at September 23, 2008 1:51 PM
Okay, I'm resurrecting a tangential topic, but it's a pet peeve:
MSN's dictionary has this to say about "literally," and I agree.
Definition:
1. strictly adhering to basic meaning: in a way based on the basic or explicit meaning of a word or text
(You shouldn't interpret these lyrics literally.)
2. without exaggeration: used to show that a statement is actually true and not exaggerated
(He had literally thousands of books in his home.)
3. used for emphasis: used with figurative expressions to add emphasis ***( informal )***
(I was literally freezing.)
Word usage:
In formal contexts, avoid using literally in a consciously exaggerated way to add emphasis, especially in combination with a colorful figure of speech: We were literally swamped with offers. Say instead We had a huge number of offers, or We had more offers than we could deal with.
Definition 3 describes how it's often used, but it's not technically "proper" use of the word. My thought is that definition 3 arose from people using the word in an attempt to imitate the usage as described in definition 2 but failing to understand what it was actually indicating (the absence of exaggeration).
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