Serena Williams!?!

Great advice and hilarious as always! I'll never understand why women are so threatened by porn, but you've probably saved LW's marriage here by making her realize this is such a non-issue.

@hug - yeah, that is what I'm thinking, too.

There is only one way to stop a man looking at other women - remove his sight.

And some guys like the athletic look. I was a competitive swimmer all thru grade school to college; lithe, wet, ladies with mind blowing stamina

On a practical note, he could be more careful to not leave his searches up, or use another computer that they don't share. Accepting that he does it is one thing, constantly being reminded is another. Just as a lot of men who know their wives weren't virgins when they met and are OK with it, might still not be too happy constantly tripping over ex-BF photos lying around and hearing sex stories about exes. Or even like that other topic a few weeks ago about pooping with the door open or whatever. Just because we accept something about our partners (e.g. they poop), doesn't mean we want to think about it or see it.

Women in bars tell guys to get lost, not because they don't look rich, but because they don't look good. Amy, you yourself said on another thread that you initially approached Gregg because he looked cute.

I cannot understand why women want to downplay their interest in a guy's looks. Since good looks seem to have a correlation to good health, I don't see why this is difficult to admit.

Of course, I'm NOT saying that a guy's looks is the only thing a woman takes into account, just as smart, well-adjusted men don't solely judge a woman on her looks. I'm sure there's merit to the argument about ability to provide, too. It just seems, sometimes, that there's almost a conspiracy to pretend that women don't take a man's looks into account.

I'm not too sure about how cave men would just do a cave woman in the bush (guess the brazillian wasn't around those days) and walk away, longing for the day he could go have a bud. I mean, do we know of any society, anywhere, ever, where that is how things actually work?

When civilization always tend to go towards groups of people caring for each other, more often than not as familys, I find it hard to believe that it should be in my genes to just knock women up by the dozen and leave them behind. In other words - your conclusions could be right, but I have doubts about your reasoning.

your conclusions could be right, but I have doubts about your reasoning

This is not Amy's reasoning, it's evolutionary psychologists' reasoning.

I mean, do we know of any society, anywhere, ever, where that is how things actually work?
I find it hard to believe that it should be in my genes to just knock women up by the dozen and leave them behind

Your reasoning here is a bit flawed. It's not about leaving them behind, it's about propagation of the species. And why should it be in your genes to stick around after knocking those women up? Genes aren't that socially conscious. It's not that men are cads because of their genetic makeup; it's that the genetic makeup doesn't really care one way or the other: it just wants you to procreate. The creation of family was for the betterment of the group: dads went off to get the meat, moms and kids gathered the grains and veggies. And "family" was more like "clan." Everyone relied on each other to be fed until the development of agriculture. The genes led the men to have sex, the social constraints led them to stick around, which meant that the women had to learn to pick the guys who would stick around.

I think you're drawing the conclusion that "it's in our genes" is an excuse, but it's meant merely to explain. It's not in our genes to use indoor plumbing, but we do that anyway. We overcome and adapt our genetic makeup in thousands of small and large ways. We don't need an appendix anymore, but our genes dictate that we have one anyway. It just takes a long, long time for our genes to get wind that certain things are or aren't needed.

So, when we on this board say that something is in our genes, it's not meant to excuse caddish behavior; it's just an attempt to explain the basis for the behavior. For instance, I would immediately break up with a guy who slept with another woman and just said, "Hey, it's in my genes."

So . . . many . . . inappropriate . . . homonym jokes. . .

Its in your genes? Hoe do I get in your genes as well?
Hey baby, you want to see what I keep in my genes?
Damn girl, your ass looks great in those genes.
Those genes look tight, do you need any help getting off, getting them off?

When my ex was looking at porn or nudie pics online, all I asked was that he make sure that he deleted the internet history when he was done and didn't leave anything open that I may end up seeing. It worked pretty decent.

Jesper, have you noticed that our inner cities are nothing *but* women who have been " knock'd up by the dozen and left behind"? How many of those welfare momma's baby-daddies are shared, do you think?

As for the porn, hell, I used to go and pick out new stuff to watch with my ex. I didn't get into it, but it was something he liked, and if I helped pick it out at least I got something halfway watchable.
With my hubby, he has his tastes, I don't worry about it. I glance over and see a pic on his screen, whatever. I know where he sleeps, and it ain't with the pixels on the screen.

This may be Amy's best answer to a question yet. And better still, it's not at all a stupid question as so many of these are.

I only have one thing to add to her advice. Letter writer, whatever you do, do not EVER try to humiliate your husband over this or minimize his commitment to you over this. You will cause a lot of resentment.

It's absolutely true that we men get a physiological, not emotional, pick-me-up from seeing the shape of a woman.

It's why we have such a hard time not looking at your breasts when we're talking to you. I'm not saying this as some sort of clod that constantly stares at a woman's breasts while talking to her. I'm speaking as someone who, through a lot of practice and hard work, has gained the incredible amount of discipline necessary to not stare at a woman's breasts while talking to her. And it really, really does take a lot of discipline.

That may sound flippant, but I'm dead serious. I can imagine that it would be almost impossible to understand from a woman's point of view. That's why we're different. It's also almost impossible for me to understand things like women claiming to 'enjoy a good cry' and many others.

There are examples of the porn thing really becoming an addiction and a serious problem in a relationship, but that's not at all what you are describing. (by the way, Hug, I think Serena Williams has a great shape -- wait, which one is Serena? I'll have to do a quick Internet search to find out. I hope my wife doesn't find out ... oh, the shame!!!!)

As soon as your husband starts questioning your core values and character because you like to talk on the phone with your mother for hours on end, you can begin the process of emasculating for being just that -- masculine.

Good luck, Letter writer. I hope I've been able to add something constructive.

One more quick point to boil it down. You're not in a competition with these images. It may feel that way but, is his mind, there is no competition. You are the one. I'll bet that he spends a lot of time staring at your pictures as well. Only that doesn't show up on an Internet history.

sorry -- "in his mind"

Who are these women who are obsessed with shoes and dresses?

The porn vs. other visual stimulation thing is interesting. Because, as a woman who loves me some porn, I always roll my eyes at statements along the lines of "women aren't visually stimulated, they don't enjoy porn." To that, my browser history says ha! But it is true . . . what I like is *porn* (hot sweaty attractive strangers doing the deed), not pictures of Johnny Depp in a wet T-shirt. My boyfriend of course likes actual people-gettin'-it-on porn, but he can also get just as turned on looking at footage of female volleyball players, or (yes) the Victoria's Secret catalog. Interesting and more useful and specific distinction than "boy like porn, girl don't" trope. I can also spend a disturbing amount of time looking at shoes online, though I don't think it actually turns me on Much.

Sorry to keep blathering on this thread, but I feel the letter writer really needs to hear this.

What I said about your husband looking at your pictures? It's true. Whatever pictures you have of yourself around the house, he spends time staring at them. I'm not talking about sexy pictures, just regular pictures. He will pull them off the shelf and hold them by the frame.

He looks at things like your cheekbones, your lips, your throat, whatever. He'll stare at each feature for a long time, concentrating on each little one. Also, he'll stare at any little glimpse of your breasts and the small of your back that show up in a photo -- for a long time. When he looks at your photo, he feels not only the physiological stuff, but the emotion as well. That's why he'll stare at your photo for a damn long time when you aren't home. If you've had children with him, he'll even stare at the apron left by the c-section scar with just as much reverence and sexuality as the rest of it. When he looks at your photos, he feels love and reverence.

It's not a cliche. We men are visual animals.

The pictures on the Internet are a break from boredom that quickly feed the physiological shit. It's a little snack. Again, not much competition there.

Serena Williams!?!

Yeah, I stopped processing here, too.

There is only one way to stop a man looking at other women - remove his sight.

Sometimes not even then. My husband's grandfather, three weeks before he died, was blind from macular degeneration and sick as hell. I met him for the first time when I walked into his hospital room. He looked up and down with eyes that couldn't even see me and said, "Hello, darlin,'" all flirty.

Who are these women who are obsessed with shoes and dresses?

I don't know, but I call it a good day if my shoes match and my shirt isn't on inside out.

Women's preference for money and status is well demonstrated, but it obviously doesn't negate the role of physical attraction.

This is the only bone that I have with Amy's take on this subject. She makes it seem as though women have no interest in a man's appearance at all.

Why do men stay physically attractive longer than women, if their appearance isn't significant?

Why do men stay physically attractive longer than women, if their appearance isn't significant?

The answer I usually hear to this is that women look for signs of status: In other words, having gray hair, if you're a man, is a sign that you are old enough to have earned status. If you're still in good shape, you probably earn enough to eat well and stay strong. A woman with gray hair is probably (although not always) in the middle to end of her fertile years.

There is no straight man who will never look at other women and want to have sex with them. All straight men like looking at other women and thinking about having sex with them. You must accept that if you ever want a relationship with a straight man. If you must draw a line, draw it at "no touchie", not "no lookie" or "no likie."

If pictures of other women really is all that is affecting your marriage, you need to be pleased at how wonderful a man you married. This is your problem, not any failing on his part.

If you keep letting your utterly unrealistic expectations about straight men affect you--yes, this is all inside you--your marriage will likely suffer, and possibly go away.

So, an easy compromise. He looks at his pictures, and you stop obsessing about it. You keep watching your rom-com movies, and getting a deep, warm heart tug when Hugh Jackman kisses the girl at the end. Everyone is happier than if a partner starts demanding silly things like no pictures or movies.

So, an easy compromise. He looks at his pictures, and you stop obsessing about it.

Technically, that's not a compromise: That's him doing what he was doing and her sucking it up.

Ultimately, I think they can find real compromise. I know my husband has a porn collection. I have never seen it. I don't even know where it is. He never chooses porn over sex with me. We are both happy with that arrangement.

@LILU: I don't think Amy's saying that women have no interest in a man's appearance at all. More like, a women's interest in a man's appearance is highly subjective, both to what she personally finds attractive and also the "vibe" that a guy gives off and his confidence/personality can instantly make a cute guy look bad or an average guy look a whole lot better. I've known avg looking guys who started looking alot better to me once I got to know them and found out they were hilarious/smart/edgy, etc. And then there are "10's" who I wouldn't look twice at once I deem them to be a-holes, and I wouldn't want to get with them if I were paid to.

More on topic, just last night, I was poring over the new VS and Venus catlogs, debating what swimsuit(s) to buy and asked hubby's opinion. He showed me the ones he liked and didn't like and then continued onto the lingerie section with a sly smile. I teased him about it, got my magazine back and he told me how much he loved it that I wouldn't "get mad" at him for looking. I just sighed and told him that I was one cool chick :-)

Firstly, why the heck is everyone down on Serena Williams? A quick search provided this photo:

http://www.bet.com/Lifestyle/Style/lifestylestylesexyseven010909.htm

Come on, she's very beautiful and sexy. I'd certainly take a run at that if given the chance.

Anyway, Spartee, nice post. MonicaP, what Spartee offered was a compromise. If she'd stop being offended by her husband being a man, he wouldn't worry that she was fantasizing about Hugh Grant's dreamy kiss at the end of a chick flick.

Oh, he isn't worried about that? Why not? Because as a man, he possesses the power of logic?

I do like the end of your post, Monica. You're right. Give the man some dignity. I've found nudie pictures in my son's room before. Should I have confronted him with them? Hell no.

he wouldn't worry that she was fantasizing about Hugh Grant's dreamy kiss at the end of a chick flick.

Yeah, he wasn't worried about this in the first place, so still no compromise. It's only a compromise if both people are giving a little.

Because as a man, he possesses the power of logic?

Oooh, catty. I feel the burn.

Anyone who has ever spent more than 10 minutes around teenage girls knows that they're obsessed with 'cute' guys - and their preferences are not 'highly subjective'. They like guys who are conventionally attractive. Grown women are the same way, but they deny it. The big difference is that a woman will sleep with an unattractive guy if he brings money and status to the table.

"Oooh, catty. I feel the burn." -- Hee hee hee

Here's a scenario that most young couples go through. (it's been a long time since I've been a young man, but I still remember this familiar exchange well)

While watching a popular movie:

"Do you think she's good looking?"

The young man thinks, "Oh, fuck. There's no good answer for this."

"C'mon, you think she's good looking don't you?"

"Naw, she's overrated."

All the while, the man is thinking, "Yeah, you dumb bitch, they chose her for the role because she's hideous. They like to put the most plain women possible on the screen to appease the insecure women that may be watching the movie with the guy that bought all that fucking popcorn. Fuck you."

Any man on Earth can relate to the above exchange and has been put in this bizarre and awkwardly nonsensical situation. And his thought process wasn't too far from the young man in my little play.

"Technically, that's not a compromise: That's him doing what he was doing and her sucking it up."

When two parties are negotiating a compromise, you don't just split the difference between them when one party starts at a crazy opening position, and the other is right about close to reasonable and sensible.

Most women start somewhere near crazy zone when confronting their men looking at porn/pictures, and need to walk back towards sensible quite a bit before a sensible compromise is possible.

When we are sitting on a beach in Mexico in February, my wife will point out topless women or women in skimpy bathing suits. She is not insecure and she has no reason to be.

Why do men stay physically attractive longer than women, if their appearance isn't significant?

Physical attractiveness is an indicator of fitness and fertility. Men are fertile longer than women, so they stay physically attractive longer. The age ranges through which each sex is typically considered attractive correspond very well with their respective ages of fertility.

My husband once told me that he thinks about having sex with every woman he sees.

That's Every.Single.One.

But I have absolutely no doubt that he has been completely faithful to me. None.

I don't care, just like I don't care that he watches porn on the internet. I've caught him at it. My only request is that he keep his anti-virus software up to date. Guys do that stuff. Not an issue in my house.

As for women and their attraction to good looking men... I bought the Vanity Faire with Johnny Depp on the front, and I'm pretty sure I didn't buy it for his status or power. I didn't even buy it for the articles.

The last time I caught my hubby looking at porn I said "Anything good?" His response? "Nah. This wasn't even good porn."

It's just porn. Unless it gets to a point where he can't even have sex with me without porn being involved, I am not really that worried about it.

"...He suggested I look at pics of men or porn, and said he wouldn't feel threatened..."

Since women typically are more verbally stimulated than visually stimulated, your husband's deal would more appropriately have sent call you to a chat line where intelligent men get to compliment you on your attractiveness while discussing topics of interest to you. If your husband would be threatened by such interactions, then he shouldn't be looking at porn.

Someone above compared the response to porn to watching your partner in the bathroom, and that's pretty accurate. Just like I don't need to watch him masturbate or know when he's doing it, I don't need to know anything about his porn habits. Kinda like he doesn't need to know about some of the really wrong fantasies I've had about characters in "Dragon Age: Origins."

Hey, don't judge.

I'd say a woman pointing out topless women or women in bathing suits is quite insecure, and desperately trying to prove how cool she is.

I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying someone who sought out porn on the internet like a horny adolescent. Guys seem programmed to at least look at other women in real life, and I think it's an instinctual thing and means nothing. But for him to go looking for it online just turns me off, especially if he does it habitually and obviously. I don't mind couples erotica, but that's a shared activity. But I guess we all have our dealbreakers.

I agree that it's probably best that he keep his interests hidden, and she not fixate on them. If he's looking up things like swimsuit pics, it doesn't seem like she's dealing with a situation where he's into some type of porn that she should be too concerned about.

What should actually concern her more, is his suggestion that she should look at pictures of men, and he'll be happy that she's feeling good. That sounds like a comment made by someone who isn't interested in having sex with her any longer.

I gotta say, as someone who plays up her style and assets to the best of her abilities, it's kind of fun to think that you can stir that up in men. I mean, come on, sex is a huge part of living! We're only here because of it! I am happily married as well, and my husband and I are very attracted to one another, and we can both appreciate another person who presents their best. I like watching porn too!! So does my husband. And just because you get married doesn't mean that you're not allowed to look anymore, how lame. Other people exist, porn exists, and most men look at it. Maybe LW could invest in some cognitive-behavioral therapy and exercises.

Nicolek wrote:

"I'd say a woman pointing out topless women or women in bathing suits is quite insecure, and desperately trying to prove how cool she is."

I'd say you're wrong, but then, I know the women in question.

Men look at porn. Get over it. Actually be thankful, because it means that he's straight and normal and healthy, and that means that you can still potentially have a fulfilling relationship. If he genuinely didn't want to look at porn, there would honestly be something wrong with him. It's nothing personal, it's just the way we're wired. Asking him to give it up is just pussy-whipping behavior - totally un-sexy, seriously, if my wife tried to make me give up porn it would probably feel like she was trying to be my mother and like she viewed me as a little kid. Be thankful he still loves you enough not to tell you to shove it when you make such unreasonable, whipping, emasculating demands. You have a man, let him be a man, not some whipped pussy. You feel "betrayed" because he jerked off to a photograph on the screen? Come on.

"It still drives me nuts and makes me less sexually giving"

That's absolutely the worst response, that will drive him to the porn even faster, and if you don't get a handle on that, it will drive him away completely, it'll be the fastest downward spiral in history. I wonder if you were really already - be honest with yourself - a little 'less sexually giving' (perhaps for other reasons) before this started getting worse?

Try offer to finish him off one day when he's busy looking at porn, bet he'd love that. Men still usually prefer the real deal.

Make him feel like it's something he has to do in secret and be embarrassed and ashamed and feel guilty about, well no real man will put up with that for long.

"I wonder if you were really already - be honest with yourself - a little 'less sexually giving' (perhaps for other reasons) before this started getting worse?"

/nod

"Make him feel like it's something he has to do in secret and be embarrassed and ashamed and feel guilty about, well no real man will put up with that for long."

You listening, letterwriter? Time for a little self-examination before saying the man you married should not act like 100% of straight men.

I know that that we all kid each other about the "internet porn" stories that never seem to end, but I really think you need to discuss in detail the first sentence: "My husband surfs the Internet for porn and pictures of women when he's bored." Why is this man "bored" so much? Any couple who thinks that their marriage is "boring" has much more serious things to be worried about than porn.

"when I leave my house he's fantasizing about other women."

You know, you may find this disturbing but normal men are pretty much wired to want to impregnate every hot woman on the entire planet, twice. If he is normal he will "fantasize" (as you call it - but men don't think of it that way, it's the wrong word ... I don't really "fantasize" about 'being with' the women in the porn, it just turns me on looking at them). If he is not normal, that's a bad thing. If a man isn't like this, either something is wrong with him, or is suppressing it. Most men hide it very well most the time. But it's there. Take it from me, it doesn't mean he wants to cheat or doesn't love you or that he wants to be unfaithful. The funny thing is, I was raised to be a 'good boy' in a household with a 'decent' 'morally upstanding' father, so I learned this partly by observing my own animal desires and instincts as I grew up .. they weren't taught, they're innate. Lighten up, tap those animal desires and have some fun.

"Why do men stay physically attractive longer than women, if their appearance isn't significant?"

Looks do matter, just not nearly as much; there is a world of shades of grey between "looks are not significant" and "looks are entirely significant"; also, the lower the status, the more looks matter in order to "make up for" the lack of status. Ugly + low status = bottom. Good-looking + low status = next rung, but not too high (e.g. stereotypical hot pool boy). average looks + average status = average. Ugly + very high status = high rung (Donald Trump, Hugh Heffner). Good-looking + very high status = very high rung (George Clooney).

For men, just remove status from the equation; by and large, it's only about how you look (and yes of course personality and all that other stuff).

Men stay physically attractive longer because women have selected for that characteristic, and that characteristic will have a higher chance of propagation because it by definition allows a desirable firstly mate more years and thus many more mating opportunities, and secondly a longer period of choice giving him more options and thus higher quality mate choice. Take two men, equally attractive (say, like G. Clooney), but one's attractiveness lasts 40 years and the other 4 years; the first will be able to spread much more of his seed during his lifetime (and thus that very characteristic) into the population. (And even if he only mates an equal amount as Mr Short-lived, the longer timespan serves him more options, so he can take his time picking some super-hotty genes to mate with, while Mr Short-lived will be in a desperate rush to mate with whatever comes along.)

I tried to be brief but that's not my strong point, sigh.

Men stay physically attractive longer because women have selected for that characteristic...

This is one reason that I think that a little bit of an age difference is helpful for a marriage. The partners are often better in sync, regarding the phases of their lives. My husband is nine years older than I am, and that's about right for us. We've aged well together. I have friends though who were very out of sync with their husbands as they got older, and this created problem, sometimes resulting in a divorce.

"So I just can't figure out why my husband would enjoy looking at smokin' hot women taking off their clothes!"

...and you managed to find your way to the church to get married?!?!?!

I was out of town for new years and my bf went to a party at the house of a porn star. When I got back from my trip we looked at all the fb pics together and then we spent twenty mins. watching one of her movies together-it was hilarious! The theme here, btw, is togetherness.

Kat: No, I haven't. Maybe because I live in a small town in Denmark :) - I'm a divorced father of two and I fought 'till my fingers bled, risking everything I owned for my kids to live with me. Which they do. I have loads of friends who work so hard you wouldn't believe it for their kids. Yes, some guys just run. Lots of us love our kids more than we will ever love anything or anyone else.

My real problem with this "how things were in the stone age" is, that we have no idea. Well, only a faint one anyway. We can't really tell. What I see in most societys are men who will stay with their groups and try to take care of those they love; not just spread their genes by raping helpless women and I seriously doubt there has ever been a society where that was the norm.

We can prove that yes, men like to look at boops and we tend to go for young, hot women and we know that women tend to go for providers. I fully agree on both points. This is probably hardwired (well, as hardwired as a neural network can get) and in our genes to some extent. But this model for explaining it that men just whacked women on the head and nailed her and left back in the good old days, I don't believe it.

not just spread their genes by raping helpless women and I seriously doubt there has ever been a society where that was the norm.

And no one here has ever said that was ever the norm anywhere. You're again conflating "our genes program us to..." with "it's okay to have sex with whomever, whenever, wherever, even if she doesn't want to." Seriously, how are you getting raping helpless women from the explanation that men's genes want them to spread their genetic material? That's absurd and no one has been saying that.

But this model for explaining it that men just whacked women on the head and nailed her and left back in the good old days, I don't believe it.

Again, no one has been saying that. It sounds as if you're getting your information from cartoons. Let me say it again: there is a difference between what we are programmed to do (have sex and move on with no further thought, e.g.) and what we actually do (stick around to raise kids). Our genes want us to have sex, and after that it's up to us to decide what to do. No one here is advocating taking personal responsibility out of the equation; no one is saying that "raping helpless women" was ever the norm anywhere. Though you are building yourself a pretty good straw man over there.

"What I see in most societys are men who will stay with their groups and try to take care of those they love; not just spread their genes by raping helpless women and I seriously doubt there has ever been a society where that was the norm."

Who was claiming it was??? (Puzzled.) Did you reply to the wrong thread by mistake?

" seriously doubt there has ever been a society where that was the norm."

Since ever includes the Mongols, I'd argue you are provably wrong via genetic testing.

Ditto to the comment about "every woman." I'd argue the qualifiers are say between the age of puberty and way over the hill. I, and I would argue most; have standards, low as they might be.

I'm wondering if men age more gracefully than women because of (again) genetic makeup. A woman is bathed in hormones until menopause, then the faucet is turned off. I was told by my gyn that I could forego HRT if I want, but one of the results would be wrinkles, and in short order.
Men don't have that shut off valve on their hormone production, do they?

So my point is, I don't think our aging has to do with our desire to be attractive to the opposite sex, just our own physical ability to stay young.

Just a tangentally related thought.

In response to the person who said a woman pointing out another woman to her husband was insecure and trying to hide it- I point out women to my boyfirend that I know he'll find attractive and I am quite confident in how I look. I also know that guys look!!! Thats what they do- atleast this way I know he's not going to strain his neck if he missed it when it walked by. And to the woman who watches pron with her husbanf-bravo sister nice to know I'm not the only one!!!!

I so totally agree with hisprincess and others, who disagree with the person who said women who point out other women for their men are insecure. That's just ridiculous. If we were insecure we'd do just the opposite. And - trying to be cool? That's trying too hard.

I told my husband that I had caught a bit of a movie on cable the other night that he would definitely enjoy. It's the movie version of the Broadway show "Nine". I said honey, it's FULL of scantily, lingerie clad beauties writhing around on the screen, you're gonna love it! We'll watch it together next time I see it's on. Hell, it will turn me on too. I don't like typical porn, the kind where some sad little girl mounts some creepy looking perv with a big unit and pretends to enjoy it. But the sensual look of a woman in beautiful lingerie is art.

If you consider the standard behavior of occupying armies, it's likely that rape is one of the primary drivers of genetic diversity.

Ditto to the comment about "every woman." I'd argue the qualifiers are say between the age of puberty and way over the hill.

It's really only young and attractive women for me. Some men will fuck anything, but that's not typical. Most men have some standard. I don't find myself thinking about most women over thirty in that way, unless they're hot.

This subject reminds me of a funny radio ad I heard last year. The premise involved a girl who had taken back an ex-boyfriend, and they go to the beach:
HER: What are you looking at?
HIM: That fiddler crab.
HER: The fiddler crab right next to that hot chick?
HIM: I didn't put it there.

I'm suddenly curious. Is she more worried about the porn, or that it's what he turns to as a default reaction to boredom?
I can't fairly object to porn. Everybody has the right to instant gratification on occasion (not constantly, though, since that'll spoil you).
I'd only suggest worrying if it's all he can think of to deal with boredom. Winter's can be long and cold, and having to lug a tower in when the roads are icy due to him picking the wrong site could be strongly irritating.

It likely that he's losing interest in her; she realizes this but doesn't want to make the effort necessary to remedy the situation, but rather wants to shame him into submission. Women do this all the time.

The woman is upset over what her hubby is searching for on the net? She found a search for Serena Williams in swimsuits, not kiddie porn or bestiality!!! She didn't make any indication that he's even doing anything other than looking at the pics: it's not like there was a DNA sample dripping from the underside of the keyboard shelf.

If she was a mature, self-assured woman, she would open a conversation with her hubby about what it is that he finds attractive in these women. "Stabbed in the heart"? Can we say "Drama Queen"? He sure sounds willing to be open with her. She doesn't have to change to be like them, but she needs to be the best her she can be for him if she wants to count herself as caring and giving as he is.

A marriage is a partnership where both have a duty to the other to keep the relationship alive.

PS: I'm a woman who surfs for porn and erotica on the web and my hubby does it, too. Happily married 15 years and counting.

I think the LW doesn't understand that a marriage is based on sex and companionship. She is probably treating him like a roommate, and maybe never found him attractive sexually in the first place. It sounds like she doesn't want him, but doesn't want him to have anyone else either, even imaginary porn women.

They should definitely meet with a sex therapist, and if she can't accept that sex is part of marriage, they should split.

Dan Savage got a letter from a woman complaining that her husband never used to have sex with her enough. But now he has sex with her all the time and shes complaigning that her looks at porn now when he didnt used to.

Some people arent happy unless they have somthing to bitch about, or someone to nag

Could have been worse.
Hubby could have been looking at pics of hot guys.

Just saying.

My wife is 25 years younger than me. No unusual in some cultures. It works out fine. Really if you plan to be married, the man should be a lot older. Otherwise, he will wander too much, or be unhappy.

Not true? Oh, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Salman Rushdie, Thomas Jefferson, crickey even Strom Thurmond, Jesse Jackson, Tiger Woods....need I go on?

All of these men were at one time regarded as paragons of virtue.

T. Jefferson was making love to his 15-year-old slave girl (who was three-quarters white, with straight black hair, and regarded as very beautiful). Probably most men would like to do that, oh hell yes. A cute slave girl? Where do I sign up?

LW: Your hubbie looking at porn? Oh, boo-hoo. That's like a husband cry crying his wife likes Johnny Depp and buys too many shoes. Waa-waa-waa.

I don't know how many 25 year old women you're going to find who'll want to marry 50 year old men, but I take your point. If I'd known what to expect, I would have married later. My ex gave up on sex in her mid 30's. Dating since my divorce has shown me that her experience is probably typical. Despite what you hear, middle aged women don't tend to have much of a sex drive. They're good for a few weeks, but then it quickly falls away. They just want some companionship and someone to share the bills with. For a man in his forties, you almost have to date younger to have a normal relationship.

Merle-

I am surprised.

My experience has been that woman in the 45-50 years old age group have the highest sex drives, nearly insatiable.

I think they are finally free of mores imposed by Western society, that teaches them they are "sluts" to have "too many" boyfriends, or that if a woman has sex with a man, and doesn't "get something" in return, then she has "given it away." (In other words, all "good" women are essentially prostitutes.) True, they usually want to pursue a relationship, but they are happy with a good screw. If they are married, they are very happy with a good screw.

I would say the freest woman in American society are married, age 45 to 50--man, they need and want sex really bad, and do not feel shame in fulfilling their needs. (Well, maybe a little, but that can add to erotic feelings).

In America, marrying 25 years younger is probably not possible except for the rich and famous. But try Brazil or Thailand, somewhere like that, and maybe shoot for 15 years younger. I was a healthy 45 and met a woman who told me she was 29 but who was really 21. True, you have to have some money, but then I never saw an American hottie marry down either.

Good Luck, and try traveling. You will enjoy it anyway, and find many more options. I suspect American women are perhaps the least desirable wives, through I never really dated Russians, or Greeks etc., so who knows.

there is no free lunch

Really good advice and great comments. Beloved and I have not talked about erotica in ages. When we first started getting serious we did exchange a little of what we both like and I must say, I enjoyed what he shared too.

I know that he probably looks at it at work (has his own business) and when we are not sitting right together (we usually have our own laptops with us), but he never leaves it out for me to "discover." I have experienced others who were blatant about it, they usually had other issues too, and I prefer this way better.

Now that the serious comments are over ...

I recently saw the single coolest scene in a porno evar! We watched The Big Lebowski, as parody porn.

In a dream sequence, Maude traps a tiny Dude in a hollow, clear blue dildo. Then we see POV of it going home, in out in out. Clever I thought.

Otherwise the movie was actually pretty good too. And Thorough. They follow the main parts of the movie. The Dude is looking for compensation on his **** tapes. Someone jizzed on them & they really tied the collection together. They also got a little on the rug.

They also make X files, True Blood, Seinfeld, Friends, Entourage, Scrubs, That 70's Show ... and more I don't remember.

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