In the time it took you to draft this letter, you could have banged your husband.

The engineer's dictum - you can have it fast, cheap, or good - pick any two.

What Amy, and whistleDick more succinctly, said. Just do it.

I suspect part of the problem is it's very easy, when you're tired and stressed, haven't had time for a shower that night, whatever, to feel unattractive and not want to inflict yourself on your partner. You know what? They probably don't care and they're hoping you'll make the first move.

In the time it took you to draft this letter, you could have banged your husband.

Only if he was awake....

Lack of time or exhaustion is an excuse.
LW: Repeat this till it sinks.
It is likely that you both got addicted to future success more than to sex with each other. Or, that there is some discontent in your relationship you both work hard to avoid facing.

@nico Only if he was awake....

Only if his dick is erect. That's enough...

We kiss goodnight and promise it'll be different tomorrow or on the weekend, but it never is, and I see no reason to believe things will change.

You promise, but it still hasn't changed? Did you close your eyes and wish really, really hard on the shooting star? And you know you have to walk backward around the rabbit's foot three times while you chant, right? Were both of you wearing your Instant Rejuvenated Sex Life crystals?

Promising to make things different means exactly nothing if you don't, you know, do something to make things different. As a businesswoman, surely you can see it's unreasonable to expect something to start working again with absolutely no effort put into it.

I agree with Whistle, but the sex has to be mutually satisfying or someone is going to get resentful really quickly.

Nobody on their deathbed ever says "I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

Stop making vague promises about tomorrow and schedule a date I don't care if it is at home, or if you go to a motel, pack a sex bag, with a change of panties, a couple of candles and whatever other props you may want. SCHEDULE IT!

In the days leading up to the scheduled date, touch him, give him a light kiss when you are near him. Tell him he looks HOT! Give the man a little grope! If you are not feeling it, fake it until you make it.

Loosing sex in a relationship is deadly to the relationship.

Good luck!

pack a sex bag

Totally using that in a sentence tomorrow.

"Look at sex as a mandatory meeting you need to have naked."

I'm at the office right now. I have a mandatory meeting this afternoon. Thanks for the visual, Miss Alkon! Imagining the other attendees nekkid makes me want to hit myself in the head with a brick.

Loosing sex in a relationship is deadly to the relationship.

Amen to that! (But isn't it spelled "losing"??)

This sounds unromantic, but with the baby the clock has become more important. Get to bed an hour earlier every night to catch up on missed sleep, and also so you can lie there and talk or do sexy things. You should go to bed when you're tired in a relaxed way, not when you're tired in an about to pass out way.

I'm surprised at this statement:

> Eighty percent of sex is just showing up. (The
> other 20 percent is remaining conscious while
> you're having it.)

I've never heard a guy say - "wow, my wife is so hot! She actually showed up for sex. And remained conscious, to boot!"

or "I'm so good in bed. Not only do I show up, but most of the time, I even remain conscious!"

I realize the statement was intended to be humorous, but it doesn't seem to capture the reality of the situation.

Seriously, Snoopy? She was being sarcastic -- duh.

PS -- this chick should be grateful that this is their biggest problem. It's not that hard to solve, and I can think of (and see on this site) waaaay worse issues. I think LW might just need some perspective; at least her husband still kisses her, etc.

Welcome to life. Relationships kill passion. Living together kills passion. Working together 24/7 kills passion. The only thing you can do is influence the rate at which it dies.

In an ideal world, people wouldn't get married until they are ready to sacrifice hot sex for the serious business of making money together, saving money together and raising children together.

And for those who swear that sex was hottest with their spouse....that only tells me that you were SERIOUSLY under-performing at your single sex life.

My advice for the OP is lower your expectations, and be happy about the financial and professional successes that your marriage provides.

I've never heard a guy say - "wow, my wife is so hot! She actually showed up for sex. And remained conscious, to boot!"

She didn't say it would be good sex.

RealPeter, I really disagree! I had just fine hot single sex, but with my husband it IS best. Also, since we have gotten married, even though some of our insatiable craziness has worn off a bit it is still hot, more then 7 times a week and more loving. I cant imagine being with someone I love more, or that I am more compatible with. Being in a relationship doesnt kill sex and passion, giving up and focusing TOO HARD on things outside of your relationship does.

Oh my god Amy, I am snorting with laughter at your motivational sayings. Now those are some posters I'd like to see. And "sex as a mandatory meeting you need to have naked"-- LOVE it!!!

YTS I much agree - I'd love to see an Advice Goddess motivational poster line!

I'd prefer demotivational posters, for example:

RELATIONSHIPS: Your best friend is having much better sex than your are.

@Amy - I'd do it! I'm a professional graphic designer, going on six years in the field. I worked in a print shop at one point and can do pretty much any printed materials or design work. I have a full-time job, but I take freelance projects on the side, and also do t-shirts, coffee mugs and the like at CafePress when I have the time (click on my name for my shop). The only catch is that I can only do the electronic files for you; you'd have to find a print shop or silkscreen or embroidery company near you to actually make them.

Please feel free to email me if you're interested, I am looking to take on more freelance projects at the moment. I can provide an online portfolio and references if you need them too. :)

Why do you care about getting the zing back? You're entrepreneurs, working long hours to develop a new product. That should be a real turn-on for you. Work is American, not sex. Leave sex to those lazy Europeans, who fuck a lot but didn't create Facebook, the iPad, QVC, teflon, post-it notes or credit default swaps.

"Actually, while I have been weary lately, I wish I had more days in the week than seven to write and I wish I could write faster."

Someone said that nobody on their deathbed wished they had spent more time at the office. Taking the hint?

On the other hand, I have read that as Asimov lay dying, he complained that all he wanted to do is write more.

-----

Geez. Hire Crid! He's a damn genius at our language, enough so that he's pissed off that others use it, and he's clearly underemployed!

I remember I vana trunp talking about when she became more involved in running some of donald Trump's businesses, it was the end of their marriage. They only talked about business, he couldn't come home to his wife and family to relax. She couldn't get him to relate to her like a husband anymore. The businesses overshadowed everything in their lives. Thye had no place ot retreat and deflate from it.
I do know for the few years I worked at home, the worst part was the work never went away. I would be in bed at midnight awake thinking it was just a few feet away I should go and work on such and such.
I had to dfind balance and employment outside of my house.

They only talked about business, he couldn't come home to his wife and family to relax.

Yeah, my boyfriend's parents run a business together, and, whenever I have dinner with them, I end up eating quietly while they talk business and squabble about stuff. Then they apologize and change the subject, but it ends up ALWAYS coming back to the business. I would NEVER want to live like that.

I can't say I blame them -- their business is all-encompassing and demanding and 24/7. But when they say that maybe, someday, I'll want to quit my job and help their son "grow his business," I laugh out loud and tell them as nicely as possible, "HELL to the mother f**cking NO!"

> Totally using that in a sentence tomorrow.

Verily.

> (But isn't it spelled "losing"??)

Either way.

> he's pissed off that others use it, and he's
> clearly underemployed!

Grown men living fat off taxpayers should contain their period moodiness, Raddy.

> I end up eating quietly while they talk business
> and squabble about stuff.

Hate that. Hate that. Hate those dinners. Always think: I could be reading a magazine....

If I were her I would be freaked that my husband was getting it elsewhere. It really is time for them to make sex a priority, and it doesn't need to take a lot of time. Married sex can be incredibly intense, you know each other's bodies and you know what you both like. One day we were expecting guests and I looked at my husband and said "Honey how fast could you give a fuck." Ten minutes later, I had been checking the clock before we started, we were dressed again and I'd had not one but two orgasms and he was just as satisfied. We didn't have time to dilly dally in bed but we both had that glow for the rest of the evening. Make it a priority NOW before some office assistant proves to be an easier conquest.

The best sex I've ever shared with a partner was after a big-money day on the job-- and what I do is extremely physical work.

Contrary to some, I don't think it's really possible for most people to achieve 'success' and what they call 'balance', simultaneously. Starting a business is just very demanding, and doing less work basically usually means 'doing not enough work for the business to succeed'. My advice would be to try get a third partner - ideally somebody also capable, hard-working, self-motivated and who understands the 'vision' of the business (yes yes I know, probably impossible, but if you know somebody like that, consider it) - into the business. That person could theoretically help carry some of the workload (taking a little off your shoulders, maybe enough to give you some fun time) in exchange for a share in the business, basically sacrificing some future financial reward in exchange for some quality of life now.

Something else that may help at least a bit is to try actually work up his level of horniness to the point where it becomes a priority, which you could do by doing a few random sexy/sensual things now and again to get his brain background-processing the idea of having sex. Also why wait until you're home, sneak off somewhere over lunchtime or something (though yes yes, 'what lunchtime', I know from starting my business). I can say that once a business does become a little more established, it usually does get a bit easier.

Sorry for 3 posts in a row, but other advice off the top of my head:
1. See if there is anything you can delegate ... even 'simple' things like sweeping floors, if you can find someone who will do such work cheaply enough.
2. See if there is anything you can drop. Seriously. For example, do you keep your house quite clean/tidy ... if so, can you really not just let it go a little bit ... e.g. instead of cleaning the floor twice a month, ask 'do I really need to' and clean it once a month and have sex instead the other time. Make your bed in the morning? That's five minutes a day x 7 = half an hour a week, enough for sex, the world won't end if you leave it unmade. Do either of you have a favorite TV show - watch it slightly less, or drop TV - one TV show is about enough time to have some reasonably decent sex. These are just examples, look around in your life for anything that you can *really* let go, see if there are things you can 'delegate or drop'. Or automate - e.g. changing a manual garden watering routine with an automated garden watering system can save time.
3. Discuss the problem with your husband, try come up with possible solutions together, so you're both on board in this.
4. If it's still going nowhere, maybe there is something else missing or problematic, e.g. lack of sex drive.
5. How successful is the business so far? Is money a big stress? I must admit, I presume it's genetic and maybe a male thing, but I've noticed my sex drive is higher when my business is doing well and lower when it's going through a quiet time and/or money is more of a 'stress'.
6. Try keep healthy and fit, if either of you are getting out of shape that could also be linked. Just throwing out ideas.
7. Accept that it might never be quite like it was, but don't hold yourself up to such a high bar ... if you have good sex once a week instead of three times a week maybe that's actually 'OK'. I mean don't beat yourself up that it's not how it used to be. And aiming for once a week might feel more realistic.

"Grown men living fat off taxpayers should contain their period moodiness, Raddy."

When I see one, I'll tell him. Meanwhile, you sound like you should read this and heed the advice.

Or borrow BOTU's bowling pin and hammer and go to town.

Simply the value of information and make a lot of viewers and followers, thank you

I Live in a Sexless Marriage There is a group on the Experience Project with 11,000 members that claim there is no (minimal 5x/yr) sex and no affection. We are locked into a situation where there is no love. Roomates till death. It sucks.