Alive And Welded
What is an appropriate amount of togetherness time for a couple? My 9-year-old son spends half the week with me, plus every other weekend. My girlfriend of a year wasn't happy with only the other half of my time, so she started joining me and my son. She and I are now together 5 1/2 days a week (3 1/2 of which are also with my son). I'm never alone; I have no time to go grocery shopping, etc.; and no one's happy. My son prefers being alone with me; she enjoys him but feels she's sacrificing our time together. On Saturday, I had an important business meeting at 10 a.m. and a 2 p.m. coffee with a visiting guy friend. I had paperwork to do in between, meaning I'd be away from her from 9 to 5. She was really upset, acting almost betrayed, and wanted me to reschedule everything for my Saturday with my son. I said no. She then said she'd come for coffee before my meeting, lunch afterward, and join me and my friend. I'm normally nonconfrontational, but I again said no. She complained all weekend. Now I'm afraid to even schedule a haircut on Saturday, the only time I can go.
--Overwhelmed
Your girlfriend makes intestinal parasites seem like bong-hitting slackers.
It sounds so nice when a woman tells you she always wants to be by your side -- until you realize that she means like your ear or your right arm. (At a carnival, it must be a tough fit in the Porta-Potty.) Contrary to what you've been led to believe, your needing a haircut or wanting to spend time with your son or a guy friend without female supervision isn't a sign that you're a failure as a man and a boyfriend. And beyond needing to be off-leash long enough to hit the grocery store, a man needs time to sit on the pot like "The Thinker" or grunt and drool a little in front of the TV.
Don't mistake this woman for someone who loves you just because she's in a relationship with you, and love is usually considered the point of that sort of thing. A woman who loved you would want you to be happy and comfortable and would respect that you're trying to be a good dad, even if it meant seeing you less. If that didn't work for her, the loving approach would be ending it with you, not guilting you into saying, "Sorry, son...you'll have to throw the ball across the yard and go get it yourself. Daddy's girlfriend hasn't seen him in almost 45 minutes."
Did you, by some chance, forget your testicles on a picnic table in the summer of 2011? There's something very wrong with your girlfriend (probably that she never fixed the Big Empty within). She might've been compelled to get cracking on the repair job had you stood up to her from the start. But, by wimping out, you enabled her, basically giving her the go-ahead to colonize every moment of your time and giving her a year to get used to it.
At this point, doing what you obviously need to -- getting time to yourself and quality time alone with your son -- should go over like ripping a Band-Aid off a burn victim. But, if you want things to change, you have no other choice than to lay down limits and stay firm on them. It's possible you'll lose her, but that surely beats slapping a police officer and tripping a jail guard just to get a few days of alone time in a cramped, windowless cell.
OMG! Slacker intestinal parasites is so funny! Another answer knocked out of the park. He has to cut the cord and if she can't deal with it then it's over. I always worry when I hear of boy/girl friend who is resentful of time spent with one's child. It's like a check engine light going off on your dash...a sign that something is wrong.
Sheep mommy at October 9, 2012 5:53 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2012/10/alive-and-welde.html#comment-3375520">comment from Sheep mommyThank you so much!
Amy Alkon at October 9, 2012 6:09 PM
Short answer: Girlfriend is a Cluster B. Dump her. She will destroy your life if you don't.
Cousin Dave at October 9, 2012 7:20 PM
Amy's right, LW. You've got to claim some of your own time back. Your gf sounds a tad (and then some) insecure. But you need to have time for yourself. Everyone does. Have a chat with her. Preface it by telling her you love her, then perhaps listening to this, and have her read the lyrics. If this doesn't get the message across, I don't know what will. And if she takes it the wrong way, you might want to consider it a red flag alert.
Seriously. Doesn't she have a need for alone time? I love it when BF goes hunting!
Flynne at October 9, 2012 7:33 PM
*****Your girlfriend makes intestinal parasites seem like bong-hitting slackers.*****
I just snorted a martini all over my monitor.
Run, LW. She's way too clingy. Horning in on your time with your son kind of proves that.
Daghain at October 9, 2012 9:01 PM
I'm never alone
And you sound absolutely fucking terrified of that. Seriously, you can do better than a relationship with a woman who starts dating a dad with an eight-year-old and complains he spends too much time with his son (when it sounds like he got a great custody agreement). You're not beholden to her because she agreed to go out with you a year ago. It's well within your rights as a human being to say no to people. You sound totally great and you'll still be great even if you aren't in a relationship.
NumberSix at October 9, 2012 9:35 PM
"I just snorted a martini all over my monitor."
Coke Zero, here. Thanks for the belly laugh, Amy!
crella at October 9, 2012 9:36 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2012/10/alive-and-welde.html#comment-3375790">comment from crella"I just snorted a martini all over my monitor." Coke Zero, here. Thanks for the belly laugh, Amy!
Aw, thanks. Appreciate that. Expecially today, which was a doubleshitburger of a day, but I ended up topping off well.
Amy Alkon at October 9, 2012 11:56 PM
This poor girl sounds like more of a child than the little boy.
And she doesn't seem to respect him very much, either. A grownup should realize that if she dates someone who has young children in addition to a job, time together is going to be limited, and that's that. Trying to shoehorn herself further into his life won't make anyone happy. She must be awfully lonely and insecure.
What's "Cluster B" mean, Cousin Dave?
Old RPM Daddy at October 10, 2012 5:38 AM
I find it super disturbing that, when the LW said, "Here's what I'm doing on Saturday," she started tweaking his schedule to make it work for her. A healthy adult would have responded, "Cool! Have fun! I'm doing XYZ on Saturday! Wanna grab a drink later tonight?"
sofar at October 10, 2012 8:15 AM
RPM, it's a reference to the Cluster B personality disorders: narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic. Her jealousy of his loved ones and her resentment over his other responsibilities is a classic symptom. If she doesn't get what she wants, she will try to separate him from his friends and family, and maybe his job too. Been there.
Cousin Dave at October 10, 2012 8:22 AM
I needed this. Takes my mind off the crappy day I'm having. This woman sounds like my husband's ex. She didn't even want him reading a book because it meant he was ignoring her!
Pricklypear at October 10, 2012 8:39 AM
Borderline!
KateC at October 10, 2012 10:03 AM
The woman can't bear to be out of your presence for a couple of hours and is jealous of your kid? Run screaming in the other direction. This type of person will make the rest of your life a misery. Make sure you change the locks and alarm codes after you break up with her, lest she let herself in and boil your kid's bunny.
hyperbole at October 10, 2012 11:04 AM
The stalls of women's bathrooms are plastered with DV awareness fliers, noting the warning signs of an abusive relationship. I'm pretty sure the GF's behaviors are all represented. I'm no DV expert and wouldn't dream of declaring LW a victim. But these demands strike me as very unhealthy.
Meloni at October 10, 2012 1:10 PM
Do you have pictures of an ex? You could be this week's double winner!
MarkD at October 10, 2012 4:40 PM
Run like hell! Better yet, throw her the hell away!
If this parasite sees herself competing with your son, you will never have an adult relationship with her and your son will lose you.
All warnings by other commenters apply, Give yourself six hours to end this. no tact. Your allegiance is to your son. She cannot and never will respect that and will seek to undermine your primary relationship rather than support and enhance your relationship with your son. She is a human vacuum, sucking the life out of all she is near.
Dave at October 11, 2012 4:24 AM
Just re-read the comments. Cousin Dave hit it on the head. She is Cluster B, Narcissicists, Histrionics and Borderlines live there. She is a liar at her core and does not know when she is lying. Get rid of her today.
Dave at October 11, 2012 4:27 AM
@ Pricklypear, Cousin Dave -
Almost married a woman like that myself. Kept figuring there was somrthing wrong, that her insecurities would ease, but when we started having 3-4 hour fights each evening because 'I wasn't listening to her', or 'paying her enough attention', I realized it'd probably never work. And when she stole my car, I was sure of it. Oh, she 'justified' it to herself, but the end result was she was out of my life.
Dodged a bullet with that one, to be sure.
JLawson at October 11, 2012 5:58 AM
Liberalism is a dangerous Mental Disorder.
Despiser25 at October 11, 2012 8:26 AM
"Your girlfriend makes intestinal parasites seem like bong-hitting slackers."
This is one of the funniest quips I've ever heard!
The LW's girlfriend sounds a lot like my former histrionic, borderline sister-in-law (she was officially diagnosed by two separate psychologists). She drove away every man she could sink her claws into.
She demanded 24/7 togetherness, and she'd get pissy or fly into a rage when boyfriend of the week couldn't (or wouldn't) accommodate her. Most just thought she was incredibly clingy, but histrionics have no sense of self, and they need other people to help them define themselves. If they're alone, they feel lost and have no idea who they are.
Most of the time, they need an astronomical amount of time and attention (more than the average person can give). They're exponentially needy. And, the more you give, the more they demand. To them, giving someone 'alone time' just doesn't compute.
The fact that she's interfering with father-and-son time is a huge red flag. In her eyes, the kid is competition, nothing more.
My advice is to run like hell. You can try to 'work through it' or reason with her, but trying to reason with a histrionic or get her to see things from your perspective is like trying to blow out a light bulb. She probably won't take 'the talk' very well, and things will only get worse.
Diane at October 11, 2012 4:04 PM
Why do men put up with this? Is pussy that good?
These type of people annoy me, perhaps because I love alone time. But people that put up with it annoy me more. For fucks sake man you're kid is resenting you because of a cunt that can't be alone.
Purple pen at October 11, 2012 11:56 PM
Overwhelmed,
My last thought... Your son gets it. He figured out she is competing for your attention. He might not be able to explain it that way, but he gets it. My ex destroyed the relationship I had with our oldest daughter. It will take years if ever to bleed the poison off the kid's heart.
If you don't get rid of this vacuuous woman very urgently with no looking back, she will seek more of your time, not by telling you directly she is jealous of your son, but by subtly turning your son against you.
Go spend a couple hours on http://shrink4men.com and read all about your girlfriend.
Dave at October 12, 2012 8:28 AM
My Ex husbands new wife did everything she could to ruin our daughter's relationship with her father, so that her 3 kids could move in and set up shop without any competition. She did such a good job feeding his neurotic asshattery, that he actually bought the bitches BS about how My girl was "dis-loyal" to him because she wanted to call me while she was at his house for a visit. (he lived in another state, so she was supposed to spend the entire summer there without talking to me. *snort*)
I don't give a flip about the step monster, I blame him for letting it happen. And so does my daughter. She hasn't spoken to her father in 3 years because of the "*whiny voice* Why don't you ever call ME or pay attention to ME like you do your mom? It's not Fair the way you treat ME! I'm going to hold my breath til I turn BLUE!"
Ok, so I added the last part, but that is the sound he makes as he is loading the baggage onto the guilt train that leaves his station every hour on the hour.
Kat at October 12, 2012 3:33 PM
The problem isn't time with the son. The problem is that in an intimate new relationship Saturdays are very important, especially Saturday morning. The coffee with a male friend at 2 may mean that male friend is one upped over everyone and supplies more of his needs and support. The relationship with the girlfriend is not important enough in general. He is not ready to have one outside friends and son. He is using the girlfriend. I hope she finds a real friend in her next boyfriend.
SuAn at January 25, 2019 5:29 PM
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