You weren't ever attracted to her and now you're "increasingly repulsed" by her? Good Lord, man...you need to break things off. Find someone you're attracted to and let her find a man who's attracted to her, warts (OK, pimples) and all.

I really do love her and feel absolutely horrendous for sounding so superficial.

Wanting to be physically/sexually attracted to someone isn't superficial as long as (in my opinion) a person is also interested in other things about them: intellect, interests, etc.

I'd only consider it superficial if that's the only, or main, thing a person cares about.

Column reminded me of this:

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun (Sonnet 130)

by William Shakespeare

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

Sorry for the formatting. I have no clue how to make links into words, or make font, bold, italics, and tabbing changes online.

I still think it is a mistake for people to expect long term relationships to be all about mutual sexual attractiveness.

If we all went with our biological instincts in picking a partner, I suspect most of us would jump from short term affair to short term affair, until we ended up alone and dead in a ditch somewhere, having long since grown too old and ugly for anyone we found attractive, to be attracted to us.

That said, if the letter writer has focused on the negatives of his fiancee, to the point where he has doubts about the long term, he needs to get out now, because he clearly is not ready to make the trade offs, that a long term relationship requires.

Then if he meets and marries the girl of his dreams, at some point in the future, but he is a libertarian, and she is a socialist, he can find out what "incompatibility" really means.

"until we ended up alone and dead in a ditch somewhere, having long since grown too old and ugly for anyone we found attractive, to be attracted to us. "

Or fabulously wealthy from not having to give up everything in a divorce, and upon reaching old and warty age, suddenly find ourselves fabulously attractive to large-breasted girls of negotiable morals.

Five years seems like an awfully long time for LW to stew about his fiancee's physical attrributes, but at least they haven't actually tied the knot yet. Probably best to break up with her now; as JD said above, the LW owes her that much, anyway.

Meloni: Making links, italics, bolds, etc. just requires some basic HTML codes. If you want to learn some easy HTML, just search on the phrase "HTML code example." Many helpful sites will come up. This site from Temple University is a good one, but there are plenty of others.

"and I really do love her and feel absolutely horrendous for sounding so superficial. "

That's because the LW has bought into post-modern feminism's version of how they wish male sexuality worked, instead of how it actually works.

"I still think it is a mistake for people to expect long term relationships to be all about mutual sexual attractiveness. "

I agree with Issb on this. However, in this case, we have a situation where the sexual attractiveness never existed in the first place. The LW got together with this girl because he thought he had a social obligation to do so, not because he was atttracted to her.

Most of the stuff you are complaining about sound fixable. A more feminine walk and appearance are not that hard to attain if she is willing. Can you have a mutual female friend talk to her about it? Maybe she doesn't realize how she looks?

LaLa, asking him to "fix" her is too much to ask, and it's unlikely to work out well. I had a friend who did much the same for his GF. She had been in a bad car accident which did a lot of damage to her face, and she was very depressed afterwards. He stayed with her for a long time, being the good boyfriend and letting her know she was still loved.

She eventually worked up the courage to get major plastic surgery on her face, as well as a few other parts she decided she wanted tweaked. The recovery took a year, but at the end of it she was smoking hot. At that point, when she realized how attractive she was, she dumped him.

I recently read something, I wish I could remember where, about love vs. in love. I totally agreed with it. The gist was that in love is about butterflies, spark, chemistry, and all of that, while love is about the long term - what happens after the butterflies fade.

If, after the butterflies, you find yourself not loving her more for her wonderful qualities but instead repulsed by her lesser ones, then you don't love her, at least not in the romantic sense. If you never had butterflies to begin with, you never had a chance at romantic love with her. Please let this beautiful-on-the-inside woman go so she can find someone who loves her.

More general advice for her, not for him.

She constantly has pimples;
her breath smells;
and her lips are always dry and chapped.

She sounds mildly dehydrated. Drink more water, and see if those 3 cllear up some.

"all about" -- well, no, obviously.

But, every time my boyfriend gets to my house (because we don't live together), my first thoughts are how adorable/sexy he is. This is a good thing. If you aren't with somebody who's your "type," you're not going to think that."

I would venture to guess, that if I wasn't living with my husband of 31 years, I would feel exactly the same. I thought he was very sexy and cute, when he got back from his tours in Iraq, and then again in Kuwait.

However most people in long term relationships live together, and this is where you find out if their annoying habits drive you bat shit crazy.

If the letter writer is already seriously annoyed by characteristics and manerisms of his fiancee, that is a warning sign that worse is to come, and already the minuses outweigh the pluses
so get out now.
Since our horrendous divorce rate in this country shows us that people in the throws of sexual passion make terrible decisions about whether something will work for the long term, I just don't think mutual hotness for each other is a good criteria for assessing durability prospects.

In ten years, his criteria might be totally different, but for her sake, not his, he should call it off now.

Besides the issues of simple physical attraction (or lack thereof), I see a long-simmering resentment in the LW. If he feels repulsed now, think how it will feel when he's still repulsed AND trapped in marriage. In my experience, this sort of thing is a relationship killer, and will lead to nothing but hurt feelings all around. Honesty now may help but doubt it, that time may have long passed. Staying with someone you're not attracted to is wrong for both. Staying with someone you're not attracted to and HOPING things might get better, that's just delusional, and IMO cruel and dishonest.

Who said I wasn't happy? And I do really appreciate my husband.

However, when you actually live with someone full time for 31 years, the hormonal attraction and intensity is not the same as when you are 25.

Initial sexual chemistry is a poor predictor of the long term prospects of a relationship. If you can find any study that says otherwise, I would be surprised,

What keeps my marriage together, is shared values, and a genuine friendship, and appreciation for the help and support of the other person.

Isab, I don't think anyone is suggesting that, after being married for quite some time, two people are supposed to be in lust with each other just as much as they (presumably) were when they first met. But I sure think that most married people would like to have some degree of physical/sexual attraction to their mate, to not be "repulsed" by them. If you're married and repulsed by your mate, while still possessing a decent libido, that's a recipe for cheating.

He says she has a "great body" and she has a "beautiful personality."

He also says he dislikes her "unfeminine manners."

When I read that, I'm thinking that either she doesn't have a great personality and is joining belching contests - or he meant mannerisms.

Now, if her personality is great yet he doesn't like her mannerisms then I'm seeing a disconnect - either you like who she is or you don't. I think that's the underlying problem...

However, as for the physical things he mentioned explicitly (the pimples, breath, and lips), those are all relatively treatable in non combative ways. "Honey, your breath smells a bit off. I think we should get you in to the dentist to make sure there's not a problem." (the dentist could identify the cause, which may or may not be dental).

Those three things could be related (some one mentioned dehydration). They could also be allergies (postnasal drip can cause nasty breath). Having a problem in the face (tooth, allergies, infected sinuses) can cause bad breath AND pimples.

If they aren't all caused by something common, the next step is a trip to the dermatologist ("Honey, you have such lovely skin but you seem to be getting acne. I'd hate for you to get acne scars, let's see if the dermatologist can help.") or perhaps the gyn if it's cyclic.

As for the lips - mine are ALWAYS dry. There's this great inexpensive cure called lip balm/chapstick/lip gloss.

My suspicion is that her personality isn't as "great" as he said, and the other things are excuses... or he's getting cold feet.

I realise on ever occasion Amy does not proffer the full lenght and breadth of her correspodnace with those seeking advice but alot of people seem to missing the second sentance of the letter

"I don't think I was ever really attracted to her."

"He WAS NEVER ATTRACTED TO HER"

To me, that came across loud and clear in his letter. He got together with her because of some combination of (1) he felt like it was his obligation, and (2) he thought it was his only shot at female companionship. Quite possibly he grew up being taught the postmodern-feminist mantra that men who are attracted to a woman's looks are shallow, sexist pigs, and therefore he had an obligation as an "enlightened" male to choose an unattractive woman. And quite possibly he was also taught that, as a non-alpha male, he had to accept any woman who would have him. He also probably got a lot of messages about how the woman makes the rules in the relationship, and the man's choices are to like it or lump it.

There are several things he needs to do after the breakup. For one, he probably never has thought about what he finds attractive in a woman, because he's been taught from a young age to suppress thinking about that. He needs to meet some women, date around a bit, and let himself experience what he likes and doesn't like. Then he'll have a better idea of what he's actually looking for, and not feel like he owes something to everyone he comes across who wears a bra and panties.

If my boyfriend wrote a letter like this to an advise columnist, I would WANT him to dump me.

I get that he was never attracted to her. I guess I was just thinking, "Well that's a lame reason - it's so easily fixable," and then I sorta then went off on that tangent and didn't manage to redirect (note to self: drink more caffeine).

I was also just wondering about the two-sidedness: "great body" but not attracted to it... I mean, maybe he's gay if he both thinks it is great and repulsive at the same time?

I read things like this and wonder how people can have such polar opposite things in their heads at the same time and not explode. Maybe that's what the excuses do for him (like "she's hot but her breath is a deal killer" somehow reconciles them).

Sorry for the long tangential thinking.

HE could send her to a spa day for Valentines (pimples might be helped) buy her some cute shoes (walking in even low heels is an art) and pass her the breath mints. If he doesn't tell her, she'll never find out--trust me, guys don't lust for zits and bad breath. She can look great naked, but dress poorly and have bad posture, but both of those things can be fixed. a gazllion years ago, I had a sort of beau who strongly urged me to get manicures--probably because I bit my nails. He wasn't all that turned on by dark red nails (well, maybe a little) but he was sick of seeing my fingers in my mouth, so he sent me to Elizabeth Arden as a "treat". I didn't figure it out till I was soaking in it. He did me a big favor, and in a pretty tactful way, too.

If my boyfriend wrote a letter like this to an advise columnist, I would WANT him to dump me.

That's exactly what I thought.

In a similar vein, someone I used to work with advised me to get married because, "Then it's not that easy for them to just walk away."

Well if he wants to walk away, that's exactly what I want him to do!

(Besides, what if *I* am the one who wants to walk away?)

Wait! Did you say that he doesn't like her vagina? What the hell? What does a "cute" one look like? I can't wrap my mind around all this, but I am loving Cousin Dave's attempts at absolving this guy of any responsibility for getting into this relationship in the first place. It's not society's fault he chose this girl. Whatever his reasons were for starting the relationship, he is done with it and it just sounds like he is looking for permission. So, LW you have our permission to dump her and her big, ugly vaj. Go forth and choose more wisely next time!

I think he should tell her. "Sue[or whatever her name is]," he could say, "I love your intelligence and beautiful personality. But I have made a devastating discovery about myself. I am shallow and superficial. I just can't get attracted to your slouchy walk, pimples, bad breath, and dry chapped lips." Hearing that, she may dump him, but it will be her decision and at least she'll know why the break-up happened. It's awful to be broken up with and never know why.
On the other hand, she may love him so much she's willing to change her personal hygiene and other habits he finds repulsive. So I only recommend this if eliminating those specific turn-offs would generate a spark of attraction from him.

The notion that people "need" to know things is just wrong.

YEP! Sometimes it's just kinder to be vague. Firm. But vague.

I've been dumped and never once thought, wow, I sure wish I knew all the things he found unbearable about my looks and personality.

In a similar vein, someone I used to work with advised me to get married because, "Then it's not that easy for them to just walk away."

I can't believe someone would find that to be a PERK!

"Never, never tell someone hurtful things when you can lie to them and have them believe it."

"There are perfectly attractive, even gorgeous, blond guys out there. It is extremely rare that I am ever, ever attracted to one."

Dammit, Amy! You went and hurt my tall, blond, guy feelings.

But I agree with you on everything else. It sounds like he is done with her. I suspect he either was originally attracted to her, or thought he was supposed to be because of her "intelligence and beautiful personality". It doesn't really matter. It will hurt when he dumps her, but it would hurt more to marry her and let these feelings fester.

"To death do us part" is a really long time. Mrs. Slow prefers shorter, dark, and powerfully built, to my tall, blonde swimmers looks. I didn't even know for most of a decade, because she actually loved me. (I'm a good looking guy, just not her original type.) There have been years when she didn't like me much, and the lack of cellular level attraction did hurt on top of that. But there have been way more years the other way around. If he is actually repulsed by her, then what the hell will be the case during the bad years decades down the road?!

She makes your dick hard. Lots of women can do that. If you have not had lots of women, you do not know that. Trust me, it's not love.

Seems like she is not taking much interest in her appearance....i have been with my guy for almost 5 years and let me tell you, when we go out i always do it up, not just for him but also for me. maybe she's also unhappy in the relationship if she's not taking an interest in being appreciated as a woman.

anyway, i agree with other commenters that she should know to some degree the reasons he is breaking it off. not with painful details, but a whole, the spark isn't there, seems like we've become more friends than lovers, kind of thing.
that way if her lack of feminine mannerisms is due to something else in her life, and she wants to try and change, for him or for herself, she has that honest feedback.

something i've learned from being with the man i love for so many years is that we do need to be willing to make changes for our partner - its called compromise and growth. trust me, he does things that gross me out all the time. and i tell him about it. if he didn't try to change i would probably sound like lw. but he does try, and i do remember why i'm attracted to him.

The problem in this situation is the LW. I doubt this woman is as bad as he says, he basically resents her so of course everything about her disgusts him. And keep in mind he probably has disgusting qualities of his own (like his insides).

Perhaps she is a butter face (hot body ugly face) do you know how many men would tap that? Well more men than women will ever tap your ass, LW.

Imagine a baby skinned small pussied angel that you are madly in love with. She has been with you for 5 years but it turns out she is insecure and for the past 5 years has literally wanted to hurl every time you glance at her. In fact she finds your dick "small, stinky, and your balls covered in bumps"

In this situation you are a complete asshole, accept it and do the right thing for once in your life. You are trying to justify your actions because she is "nice", except the reality is you are a coward who doesn't go after what he wants but rather by what is available.

Pimples, bad breath, ugly ligs, AND a big, ugly disgusting vagina? Gee, can't imagine why he's not attracted to her. Yick.

Although I agree that he shouldn't share this info with her, there's a part of me that wishes someone would sit this chick down and explain the importance of hygiene and grooming.

She could certainly do with some self-improvement. For bad breath, maybe she's not flossing her teeth (or even brushing them) regularly. I think she can help in that department by flossing regularly and brushing her tongue.

As for the pimples, if she cut wheat and dairy products out of her diet (except maybe for cheese), that might help. I know it knocked my rampant acne back some. I also lost some weight.

Of course, if LW was never in love in the first place, as other people said above, he's probably doomed anyhow.