Very good. Excellent advice to LR, and excellent reading for the rest of us.

Thank you.

I dunno. I've never had a lover who hasn't told me I was hot and sexy all the time. Guys who are into me tend to express it.

Nicole, it seems from Amy's answer that women have expressional preferences (if that's the phrase) too. I suspect that either you're so hot and sexy that they can't help but tell you all the time (and in my experience, that wears off with time - you get used to someone, they're still hot and you still think it but it no longer blows you away), or that happens to be the type of man you attract and date. If, after a year or more together, a guy is still gushing about your hottitude like he was during the first couple of months, he's working really hard at BSing you on something or he's reading too much Maxim.

I know my wife appreciates the compliments I give her on her looks, and she's a beautiful woman. But after 24 years of marriage, she also knows that one way I say "Honey, I love you" is by fixing the brakes or sheetrocking that wall in the laundry room. ;)

I am not SO hot and sexy that they can't help it. So it must be the type of guy.

We're only 6 years in, though, so there is still a newness factor. Havent hit the 7 year itch yet.

There's a school of thought out there (Tom Leykis, assorted manosphere) that you shouldn't tell a woman she's beautiful, because it will make her stop trying. Compliments should be locked up tight and doled out once a year. The LW's boyfriend doesn't sound like THAT type of guy, but I expect we will hear from some on this thread.

I'm used to love interests telling me I'm beautiful and hot. Almost to excess. I have always believed this to be part of the basic attraction package. When a guy is really into you, he sees you as way better looking that you actually are.

When I dated a guy who didn't, it gave me anxiety and I figured he wasn't that into me, which made me resentful. (Or in one case I learned he was a student of Leykis 101, and I ended it, because I was repulsed and didn't want that future.) If my husband stopped, I would be afraid something was wrong.

LW asked if this was a red flag and the answer Amy gave indicated not. But doesn't the fact that she was worried it was a red flag mean something? We all have anxieties about things and looks are a biggie but listening to our gut instinct is also part of our early warning system. If his not complimenting her is not what is setting off her early warning system and having her looking for a red flag, wonder what is?

My husband isn't the type to drop compliments. Now two couples in our social group are getting divorced, and he's damn near effusive. I hope it means that he's appreciative and not insecure. Or he might be try to counter my displeasure with the 10 pounds I need to lose post-baby.

LW, here is HBI's (Heartless Bitches International) Red Flag List. If you recognize any of these signs, changes are you should just put on your running shoes. If not, don't worry 'bout it.

ChanCes. Sheesh. (yeah yeah, proofreading is my friend!)

When I try to compliment my partner, I usually get an insult in return. LW's friend prolly knows how that goes.

Compliments can be tough one, I've known too many who use them as manipulation devices. You do X so well, you should do it for me.
One persons compliment is the next persons insult.
Then there are compliments which turn out to not be: Remembering the joke story about a housewife tired of trying new recipies and not getting compliments, thinks she will show the family and picks up KFC, the family raves over it being the best thing she ever cooked.

I think a lot of guys associate compliments with manipulation. They don't take compliments well because when they get a compliment, their first thought is, "what does this person want from me?". Similarly, they don't give out compliments because their projected self-preception is that they will be seen as manipulators.

Well at least you get tea when you go out. Not one of my myriad of lovers has ever made sure I had tea when I went out.

Not. One.

I'm sorry, this woman has a problem? Most of the LWs to Amy (who make it to her column at least) would absolutely kill to have her problems. I mean, an attentive, good-looking boyfriend who demonstrates his consideration fifty times a day.

"Waaaaah! He never tells me I'm pretty!" He's sleeping with you, isn't he? And I assume he's not asking you to put a bag over your head when he makes out with you on the porch.

Quite frankly, I think he should dump her.

I think the commenters here are being pretty hard on Underappreciated, while giving a bye to Mr. Laconic. (This is Sparta! We don’t give or receive compliments!). Guys, the Advice Goddess isn’t Dear Abby or Heloise; you have my man-permission to read it. Take notes, even.

This complimenting stuff isn’t so hard. At some point when you’re with her, something she does, something she says, some way she looks will just ring your chimes. Say something! Speaking up about how she makes you feel doesn’t mean you have to talk like Lord Byron or be all mopey like a teenage vampire in love. Christ, just say something.

It’s simple: My seventeen-year girlfriend doesn’t dress up. She’s in the business of tile, paint and woodworking. She loves it, works hard at it and comes home covered with mastic, sawdust and paint, minus the little bit of makeup she put on this morning. I know she worries that she doesn’t look like any of the fashion-plates she sees on TV or in the magazines. I know this. If I was a sensitive, supportive guy, I’d be trying really hard to think of just the right thing to say to help her get over it and to cope with her insecurities. I’d be that guy, the emo vampire. That’s the guy you don’t want to be, ‘cause - let’s be frank here - that guy is kinda gay.

Actually, I think these things are her problems, and I can’t imagine that she would need or appreciate my help with them. But if she does need my help, she’ll ask. So don’t worry about it. That’s not your way into the man-compliment zone, anyway. Besides phoney, “helping” compliments are condescending, obviously false, and a little creepy.

Here’s how it works: When my lady comes in looking all schmutzy and dusty, I look at her and think, “Damn, she’s just cuter’n two buttons and a boa.” That’s what I think – I don’t have to consult my knowledge of her insecurities and worries - it just pops up. And then I say something like, “Damn woman, you look cuter’n two buttons and a boa.” It’s fun to watch her knees melt. Then she tells me I’m fulla shit and slugs me somewhere it doesn’t hurt (much), and we’re good.

Do that. Say something when you feel something. That works.

If your lady never rings you’re chimes, you’ve got a problem. Maybe you need to consult that . Be careful though. You’re supposed to run if you recognize more than two of the 100 or so things you should watch out for. I found at least four that apply to me, three that apply to my lady. I mean, it goes from torturing puppies to getting angry at inanimate objects that are being uppity and bumping into your shins. It’s a fun rant, but it needs some judicious editing before it becomes useful.

I'd also add that quite a few people of both genders have trouble giving and accepting compliments--possibly because complimenting wasn't typical in the family or culture in which they were raised. Of course it's possible to overcome this tendency, but I'd say its more akin to, say, a fear of public speaking than a serious red flag.

I don't know why she can't just tell him she likes to be complimented, perhaps by talking about the Five Love Languages. I was in a long relationship with someone who told me she liked receiving compliments and acts of service. So I started doing that. It definitely made our relationship more fulfilling.

"I'm not so much looking to be complimented as I am trying to make sure I'm not being blind to some red flag"

I think women today have a tendency to look just a little too hard for "red flags". I don't think it's helped by magazines and online articles aimed at women with headlines like "50 warning signs that indicate you absolutely have to dump your boyfriend right away!!11!", add to that 'helpful girlfriends' and throw in the whole broken 'men vs women' subculture, it's no wonder many otherwise decent people are single. If you're enjoying the relationship and things seem fine just let it be, if you start looking for 'red flags' you will find them. If there's something obviously wrong it will soon show, I don't think you'll have to look for it.

Sincere compliments are rare. Smarmy, insincere compliments are common. Maybe he grew up around glib, lying assholes. Maybe he is the "actions speak louder than words" guy. Maybe she is a whiny brat. Maybe they are simply incompatible.

And to continue that thought, LauraGr, maybe they should talk about it. Seriously, LW and other people, it isn't hard. Like Lobster says, she might be worrying too much about something being a red flag. There is a way to tell him you like being complimented every now and again and to ask him about his reluctance to compliment without the world crashing down around your ears. I think the fact that he's noticeably excited to see her outweighs the compliment thing if it's sincere. The fact that he doesn't like receiving compliments sounds to me like, as Shannon said, he's just not good with them. He, too may be putting too much stock in the compliment and he's just anxious about it coming out wrong.

Say something when you feel something.

I'm gonna need this stitched on a sampler I can whip out when people I know are being particularly dense about their relationships.