Sneer Pressure
My boyfriend of eight years and I love each other to death and are very happy. Still, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that some people think we aren't in a "real" relationship because we aren't married and live separately. Is there a way to get them to respect the validity of our relationship without walking down the aisle?
--Unwed
Being married does allow for some convenient social shorthand. "Meet my husband" is easier than "If I eat a bad clam and end up puking my guts out at 3 a.m., this is the man who'll be holding my hair back."
You can either rebel against convention or be accepted by the masses. Expecting to have it both ways is like running off to the jungle to live with revolutionaries and then demanding your tent be equipped with a microwave and a panini-maker.
Is it possible that in some small way, you buy into the thinking of your detractors? Like one of those Louis Vuitton handbags that cost as much as a Ford Fiesta, a husband is a status symbol for women -- one that women have been psychologically primed to want. Because women always have a high potential cost from any sex act -- pregnancy and a mouth to feed -- we evolved to look for reliable signals that a man will commit. The most reliable are what evolutionary psychologists call "costly signals" -- those so pricey that only a man who truly loves a woman would be willing to shell out for. A diamond engagement ring is one of these, as is a man signing a contract to spend the rest of his life with one woman when it's in his genetic interest (and lots of fun!) to pursue a more McDonald's-like dream: "Billions and billions, um, serviced."
This isn't to say your unaccredited love lacks value. In fact, a marriage license is like a dog license. If you don't get your dog a license, it doesn't mean he isn't real or worthy of a head scratch. But where unmarried partnerships do fall short is in the legal protections department. Rights that come with marriage -- like the right to be by your partner's bedside in the hospital -- will, for the coupled but unwed, require filling out documents to get. You can have a lawyer draw these up, but my boyfriend of 11 years and I used Nolo's WillMaker Plus 2014 software, which, for about $40, has the essentials -- a will, a living will, and power of attorney for health care and for finances (designating somebody to, say, pay your mortgage if you get clocked over the head and are too comatose to do it yourself).
Unfortunately, WillMaker Plus is PC-only, but the health care directive and power of attorney only ask for names and contact info of the people you're designating, so if you have a Mac, you could fill this out on a friend's PC without worrying about identity theft. As for the will, Nolo's editor suggested putting in only the most general details about your accounts and attaching a letter with the specifics.
In other words, with a little paperwork, it really is possible to not have your wedding cake and eat it, too -- that is, if you can come to accept that your relationship's approval ratings will never match those of that married woman you see in the supermarket aisle screaming her husband into a small pile of ash.
with a little paperwork, it really is possible to not have your wedding cake and eat it, too ...
Love that!
Is it a Thing that people look down on the not-marrieds in their social group? My boyfriend and I have been together (unmarried) almost 6 years, are 30, and we've never encountered this. Perhaps it's because we live in a city where people tend to get married relatively late in life. Our relationship is the norm. I suppose if we were living back in the midwestern town I grew up in, things would be different.
It drives our moms nuts that we're not hitched, but co-workers, friends, everyone else in our lives know us as a couple and respect that. I'd be curious to know what the LW is picking up on that suggests people see her relationship as less-than.
sofar at May 27, 2014 5:14 PM
My wife and I have been living together for 7 years. We refer to each other as wife and husband and our families see us this was as well. We did the wills, living wills and POAs with a lawyer for about $700 a long time ago.
We have both done the marriage thing multiple time and don't see it as necessary.
I don't think anyone cares whether or not we have the piece of paper making us legal.
Steamer at May 27, 2014 8:08 PM
You're 30, so plenty of people aren't married yet. When you're 40, people might not look down per se, but they will pity the unmarried people.
Steamer, sounds like you DO have the pieces of paper making it legal. If only there was some sort of package deal you could have signed for only $50...
NicoleK at May 28, 2014 3:25 AM
You can either rebel against convention or be accepted by the masses. Expecting to have it both ways is like running off to the jungle to live with revolutionaries and then demanding your tent be equipped with a microwave and a panini-maker.
This is the most important part of Amy's answer. If you're going to reject a social norm, be prepared for people to be judgmental.
Of course, no matter what you do with your life, you'll have someone telling you you're doing it wrong.
MonicaP at May 28, 2014 7:40 AM
"Is there a way to get them to respect the validity of our relationship without walking down the aisle? "
Two answers: (1) No. (2) Who cares.
Cousin Dave at May 28, 2014 7:46 AM
For a variety of quite good reasons, I am in the same situation. I got one of those costly signals a few months ago (and I do love it!), but we don't have plans to marry soon, or possibly ever. My family loves him, his family loves me, it's a great big love-fest, and nobody really cares whether we're married or not.
I am significantly older than 30, and I live in a small town. Maybe people of a certain age are just expected to be a little outré, and it's overlooked. Strangers just assume we're married, and we let them.
Truly, the only time it matters is when we go camping with the Girl Scouts. They have a rule about unmarried opposite-sex adults in the same tent...
flbeachmom at May 28, 2014 7:58 AM
NicoleK, you're right in that we paid more than the cost of a marriage licence. The cost of a wedding, on the other hand . . .
We deliberately chose not to get married. We had both promised to love, honour and cherish until death do us part multiple times and found ourselves single in our 50's, so the institution of marriage hadn't worked out for us.
Her grandchildren call me Grandpa and my sister refers to my wife as her SIL and nobody else seems to care.
Steamer at May 28, 2014 8:39 AM
Truly, the only time it matters is when we go camping with the Girl Scouts. They have a rule about unmarried opposite-sex adults in the same tent...
Posted by: flbeachmom at May 28, 2014 7:58 AM
So the Girl Scouts discriminate against hetrosexuals,
Isab at May 28, 2014 8:40 AM
"Still, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that some people think we aren't in a "real" relationship"
Seriously, among all but the completely brain dead, how does a topic like that even come up in conversation?
Isab at May 28, 2014 8:44 AM
The government won't let you import your significant other without the proper paperwork, With translations, registered in both countries, all hoops jumped through. I'm sure it's easier to milk a telephone pole.
MarkD at May 28, 2014 9:23 AM
http://news.msn.com/us/girl-scouts-we-are-all-inclusive
Except for what Isab said, yes.
flbeachmom at May 28, 2014 10:01 AM
When I introduced my pirate winch to my extended family at our big party, she identified herself as my GIRLfriend. Clearly she expected that to validate our relationship. Living apart, though, made it very simple to walk out on her a couple days later, when I found her entertaining another man in her bedroom...
Milk that telephone pole!
jefe at May 29, 2014 1:17 PM
Those "costly signals" can become a trap, especially for Robert Glover-style "Nice Guys". Women describe their Perfect Man in terms of these costly signals, but neglect to mention that a man is already 'perfect' because he sets her panties on fire, first. After that, it's all optional cr@p. Nice Guys famously fail by trying to show off 'costly signals' to attract women, but wind up nowhere, instead.
jefe at May 29, 2014 8:49 PM
Amy has it right. People who brag that they don't need a piece of paper to love each other are completely missing the point of getting that paper in the first place. The main reason for legal marriage is, in fact, publicly acknowledged legality and the perks that go with it.
Nancy at June 4, 2014 7:39 AM
I know a couple who've been together for close to a decade (they're both in their 40s -- I'll call them Mary and John). Neither of them cares about marriage or wants kids, but they both see themselves going hand in hand into old age together. They've bought a house together. She supported him while he was temporarily laid off a few years ago, and now he's supporting her as she quits her job and tries to start a new business. Quite frankly, they seem more loving and stable than just about every married couple I know.
Yet recently when a married guy of my acquaintance (married 6 years, and he's been previously divorced, fwiw) and I were talking about couples we knew, I mentioned Mary and John. The guy scoffed and said "they aren't married." I said, "they may as well be." He laughed and said "it's totally not the same thing."
Quite frankly, if I were a betting type, I'd bet that Mary and John will last longer than this guy and his wife. But no question -- the smug marrieds tend to assume that those who choose not to shell out for tens of thousands for a ring, a puffy white dress, and 300 servings of rubbery chicken piccata must be less serious about their relationship. It's pretty damn annoying, but not much you can do but shrug it off.
Gail at June 26, 2014 7:00 PM
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