Honey, It's A Man About A Cat
(I think they get more turned-on if you get all wigged out about it.)
6pm Wednesday. Phone rings, I answer: Hello?
Guy on phone: Hi, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Who's calling please?
Guy on phone: I was just thinking about how I wanna eat your pussy.
Me: Great, my boyfriend's right here. Tell him.
Me, handing phone to Gregg: Gregg, this guy says he wants to eat my pussy.
Gregg (bellow-mode): Hello?
Guy on phone: I was just telling your girlfriend I wanna eat her pussy.
Gregg: Well, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
Click.
Thanks Amy,
That was the first laugh I got today. You and Gregg should be writing screenplays. I think you'd make a fortune...
Rainer at September 20, 2007 12:50 AM
Whatever happened to Gregg's blog?
Crid at September 20, 2007 1:37 AM
I think he's too busy putting out fires on mine!
Amy Alkon at September 20, 2007 1:44 AM
LOL. Very good response to an obscene phone call.
Patrick at September 20, 2007 3:07 AM
Obscene phone calls are disgusting.
Roger at September 20, 2007 5:00 AM
When I was 13 I got my own phone line, that doubled as the modem line, back when modems were all the rage. It turns out that the former owner of this phone line was a woman named Valerie who was somewhat behind in payments for her breast implants. SFor about 3 years I would get random phone calls from guys who I guess had met her and hooked up with her, they would range from "what are you wearing" to "can I come over" my response "I'm 13." "Click."
Shinobi at September 20, 2007 7:46 AM
That's hilarious.
P.S. An obscene phone call from a bunch of 13-year-olds is funny. An obscene phone call from a grown man is pathetic.
Amy Alkon at September 20, 2007 7:52 AM
An obscene phone call is one thing. An incredibly cliche, unoriginal obscene phone call is another.
I mean, "I want to eat your pussy" is ALL he could come up with? TRY HARDER!
*sigh* That's the problem with the customer service industry in this country, mediocrity or worse is the best you can get.
RedPretzel in LA at September 20, 2007 9:28 AM
Ooh, you just reminded me -- I got a hilarious porno letter (starring me and the writer). Naturally, it was when Gregg stopped the car so I could pick up the mail. Being raised Catholic, he didn't want to hear it. I'll have to post it -- if I can find it. (Think about how much mail you normally have when you take a vacation, then multiply that by somebody who gets mail for a living. My house looks like a mail sorting center at Christmas time.)
Amy Alkon at September 20, 2007 9:32 AM
(Think about how much mail you normally have when you take a vacation, then multiply that by somebody who gets mail for a living. My house looks like a mail sorting center at Christmas time.)
Just don't go postal on us, Amy; it's not a pretty sight!
Flynne at September 20, 2007 9:51 AM
Obscene calling hasn't really been a problem in tthis house, but I've decided that phone solicitors are, --given the patent illegality of their work-- now subject to the worst cruelty and dishonesty one can summon in the moment. On Monday I almost had a woman in tears after about 14 seconds.
OH I CANT BELIVE IT I GOT ONE AS I"M TYPING THIS
She got pissed off, but she wouldn't cry. 19 seconds.
ANyway, if you don't want to call these people names when they call, you can tell them that you just found out you have cancer or your wife just died or something else to humiliate them. Things like that would probably work with Mr. Kittens, too.
Crid at September 20, 2007 10:21 AM
Crid you're just e-v-i-l! But I like that in a person. o_O
Flynne at September 20, 2007 10:56 AM
A long time ago, the sound of a phone ringing raised my spirits. It was validation. Someone wanted to talk to me, maybe even an attractive woman who wanted to have sex.
Now, it rings and the phrase, "take me off your list" comes out in place of "hello" half the time. If I don't recognize the caller ID #, I pick up but don't say anything. This totally throws off the script.
"Uh, hello?" (voice I don't recognize, sounds of call center in the background.)
"Take me off your list!"
"Uh, sure, we can..."
click.
Three seconds, tops.
martin at September 20, 2007 11:23 AM
I am actually now nice to these people, and suggest they get a different job. Last man I spoke to, I said, "Why are you doing this? Don't you know you're bothering people?"
He said, "I'm a 63-year-old black man with back problems and I couldn't find another job."
I told him Costco is a very good company. Maybe kind of dim of me since their jobs seem to require being on one's feet and probably lifting some things, but you get the idea. The people I go after are the asshats who run the companies.
I'm going to be suing one of them soon. My time isn't free to people who want cheaper marketing costs. And neither is my phone line.
If the heavy breather who called me yesterday is reading this, you can contribute $10 to my Paypal or Amazon link to the left to pay me back for the invasion.
Amy Alkon at September 20, 2007 11:25 AM
> and I couldn't find
> another job."
So you get to break the law, and befoul my private communication channels besides?
Is this really what the race card is worth?
Crid at September 20, 2007 11:40 AM
Amy, you may already know all this:
http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs3-hrs2.htm
*57 or call trapping is available in some areas. It allows the phone company to more accurately determine where a nuisance call came from and aids in investigation and prosecution of people like your cat fancier.
Being nice to telemarketers seems kind and gentle but it doesn't help. Callers get ranked on their stats and time on call is one of them. If they go through a long list without a sale, they still get good marks if their call times show that they delivered the pitch.
Also, when you are nice to them, you let them off the hook for what they are doing and they feel less crappy about it and don't quit at the end of their first shift the way they should.
martin at September 20, 2007 11:44 AM
Nope, Crid, I just go after the big money behind the call -- the people with the power to stop it. I'm working on the scumbags at Sitel at the moment, who call me all the time, and use a spoof number in the United States. Amazing how the two whose home numbers I've tracked down have that call blocking feature.
Here are a few of the pretty faces of the shitsacks who've stolen part of my day:
http://www.sitel.com/Content.asp?id=739
Amy Alkon at September 20, 2007 12:38 PM
I was at my moms helping my little brother set up a new computer when the phone rang, it was some guy selling magazine subscriptions. My brother hd answered the phone and I got him to tell the guy ". . . that mommy goes to sleep after drinking a bottle of wine everyday since daddy left with that slut secretry of his"
We had the phone on speaker, all the guy could spit out was a series of uhhs. He hung up just before we both exploded in laughter
lujlp at September 20, 2007 1:24 PM
> the people with the
> power to stop it.
Well, you hit 'em high and I'll hit 'em low. Poverty is no excuse for breaking the law &/or annoying people. If no one was willing to make these calls, the people who run these sweatshops --there were about 30 voices in the background during this morning's appeal0-- would be outta business.
Crid at September 20, 2007 2:07 PM
Well, if you're going to hit 'em low, try my old approach:
"First, a question for you: Do you have genital warts?" And so on.
Amy Alkon at September 20, 2007 2:08 PM
I just don't understand how making calls like that could possibly turn someone on. What a cheap bastard. If you have odd kinks, pay a fricking mistress to help you out and leave the innocent bystanders alone, dammit!
And, totally off topic, can someone recommend something appropriate to say to the annoying idiot that sits in a crowded lecture hall (right next to me, thank you) and hacks loudly every 2 minutes for 45 minutes? I swear I could have chopped her to bits with a dull butter knife for that.
Christina at September 20, 2007 2:11 PM
When I got my first phone, decades ago (also for a modem) I had some assclown that kept calling, and asking for someone (forgotten name, we'll call him Kevin). I said "You've got a wrong number". I was accused of being a liar, all kinds of vulgarity, etc. I tried hanging up, swearing back, etc.
Then one day, my mother answered my phone while I was at school (I was expecting an important call) - and it was assclown. And he had the audacity to call my mother something unmentionable.
The next time he called, I said to him, very calmly: "I know who you are, and where you live. If you EVER call this number again, I'm going to come over to your house and kill you."
He never called back.
Oh, and I've got some whore from "Credit Services" or "Cardmember Services" (all computer generated, same voice, different names) telling me how they can lower my interest rates. They give you a number to push to get off the call list, but it tells you it's an invalid selection. If you push the button for a "representative" you get some flunky that asks if you're calling about low interest rates. If you say anything other than yes, they hang up on you. It appears to be an ID theft scam. The caller ID is always spoofed.
They might be based in Florida. If I ever find out where they are, I might have to *cough*deal*cough* with them.
brian at September 20, 2007 2:19 PM
Christina - bring a bag of cough drops to the next lecture. She coughs, offer her one. If she refuses, tell her to get away from you or you'll sue her for getting you sick.
Absent that, a jab to the throat might work.
And if you're more of a passive-aggressive type - beans. Lots and lots of beans.
brian at September 20, 2007 2:21 PM
Brian's right, Christina's right. A lot of courtesy is about dealing with the way gasses, liquids and solids move in and out of the body when others are nearby.
The sound of an obstructed airway is the ugliest tune in the Universe. When we cough, even if we can't help it, we're impinging upon the personal karmic boundaries of those within earshot, and certainly of those within aerated-droplet range.
You don't have to be a neatfreak to have energy about this.
Crid at September 20, 2007 2:56 PM
(My house looks like a mail sorting center at Christmas time.)
You've got elves?!?!
RedPretzel in LA at September 20, 2007 3:25 PM
I wish. Know any who are looking for a job?
Amy Alkon at September 20, 2007 5:02 PM
I am! But I'm a few feet too tall to qualify, I'm afraid.
Christina at September 20, 2007 5:26 PM
I'm working on the scumbags at Sitel at the moment, who call me all the time, and use a spoof number in the United States. Amazing how the two whose home numbers I've tracked down have that call blocking feature.
Your time is their time, and their time is their time. Bastards.
Doobie at September 20, 2007 7:44 PM
I'm hoping their time will be my money.
Amy Alkon at September 20, 2007 8:26 PM
The problem with telemarketing companies is that when they call you they are literally in another country. Here in Canada where Sitel (formerly Client logic) has the majority of its call centers that service the US it is not breaking the law and therefore by extension not breaking the law in your country. It's the same stupid loophole that allows the majority of spammers to operate legally in other countries (mostly Europe).
Nicky at September 20, 2007 9:50 PM
Julie M. Casteel's Nashville home number has one of those privacy minders on it. Should I be forced to put one on my phone because she earns her money with the rest of those at Sitel, sneaking around our telemarketing laws? What scumbags. Hmm, I wonder if it will ring if I call at 3am and don't put in my number? (It's 3am here on the west coast, so I'll have to wait until another day when I'm up at midnight.)
Amy Alkon at September 21, 2007 3:21 AM
...I'm at work and JUST got a telemarketing scam call 5 minutes ago and had to post.
I'm at work and we have a special line for customers (mostly traders in NY) who have questions - people who pay big bucks and don't have time to wait around. This guy calls and I can't even understand him b/c his accent is so thick. He wants to "confirm our free online phone listing." The address and company name are not correct - we're in Boston and he's giving us an address and area code for Missouri...
I tell him we simply cannot have our lines being hijacked by telemarketers and he can feel free to contact someone in marketing who might know about online listings...I then said, three times, "PUT THIS NUMBER ON YOUR DO NOT CALL LIST. DO NOT CALL AGAIN." He can call other departments until his eyeballs bleed - just don't call THIS department.
My coworkers were cracking the f up - "Gretchen, tell us how you REALLY feel about telemarketers."
At least he won't call again. And if he does I'll just mess around w/ him until he cries (any tips, Crid?).
Gretchen at September 21, 2007 6:25 AM
Does any one here know of a single person who actually bought something from a telemarketer. Though it's more expensive the internet spam I can't imagine anyone makes much money doing it. Except the companies contracted to tele-market.
My father has the most interesting way of dealing with these people. I don't think they have gotten marketing calls in years. He makes them go away without making anyone cry or being offensive. He tells them his whole life story, ALL of it. He has a bit of time on his hands though so this may not be feasible for most of us.
vlad at September 21, 2007 7:01 AM
Actually, I heard somewhere that they have to stay on the line until you hang up. I think that's not true, based on experience, but from time to time, when I get (legally permitted) "charity" calls (and I say "charity" because 90 percent of the donation can go to the telemarketer) I have on occasion told them I just have to go find my wallet. And then I leave the phone on my bed and my assistant and I have a laugh and continue talking about whatever paragraph of my column I'm working on. Then, when the person calls back, I chastise them for hanging up on me and tell them it's because they're rude that I'll never give any money to the "charity."
Amy Alkon at September 21, 2007 8:09 AM
> mess around w/ him until
> he cries
No mercy!
Crid at September 21, 2007 10:57 AM
I just reregistered my home and cell phones on
http://www.donotcall.gov
I'm good until 9/2012
The only problem is, charitable organizations, political organizations and surveys are exempt. Also legit businesses that you've dealt with in the past 18 months. But as soon as they say who they are, and what they want, I just say, "No thank you" and hang up. If they call back, I say "What part of 'no thank you' did you not understand?" and hang up again. Repeat as necessary. Eventually they get the hint.
Flynne at September 21, 2007 11:01 AM
Love this place!! I will be back many times over, and I am going to tell everyone I know about this place...amazing!
Michel Ngyun at June 19, 2011 2:51 AM
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