Sometimes I Get A Little Stumped
This is one of those times. This woman has yet to answer all my questions -- I often ask for more background than I'm given -- but perhaps those of you who comment here can help me answer this.
Here's the first e-mail from the woman:
Dear Amy:About two years ago I adopted a little boy as a single woman. He is now 3 years old and at the age where he notices other kids (usually boys) with their fathers. Recently, he has started asking me about his "daddy". I am not sure how to answer this question. I was told that it is unhealthy to tell him that he does not have a father. I tried to explain to him that he is very special because I chose him so he knows that he is wanted but this has not stopped the question about his "daddy". Sometimes when we pass a house he likes he asks if his daddy lives there. If he sees a child on television with his father, he asks about the whereabouts of his daddy. If he sees a father and son at the park he wants to know if his daddy is coming to the park. I am at a loss as to what to say to him that will satisfy his need for a father. I already have male family members who spend time with him. He started calling one of them daddy and we corrected him. After several times, he started say, "he is not my daddy" and started asking for his daddy again. I think it hurts him not to have a daddy of his own.
What can I do to help my little boy who is missing not having a "daddy"?
- LOVING BUT WORRIED SINGLE MOM
My first thought? "Great...yet another selfish single woman raising a kid without a daddy." But, from years of giving advice, and good old intuition, I know better than to spill my hand. (Typically, I let 'em have it -- if they deserve that -- after I get all the information I need.)
I write back:
I find your question heartbreaking, and I don't have a quick answer for it. I have to think about this, and need more information.A question: Is there somebody in your life that you would trust (with your life, pretty much) to make a commitment to being this kid's dad (in terms of being there consistently)?
I disagree with the notion of lying to a kid, including telling him he doesn't have a father.
But again, I need to know more: What was the circumstance of his adoption? (What do you know of his origins/parents?)
I'm not suggesting you look up the guy, even if that's possible. I'm just looking for the story of his background, best you know it. Please copy this entire e-mail into your reply. And if you don't hear from me by Wednesday, please forward everything, all in one e-mail, by then. But, I anticipate gettting to it sometime this weekend, before I go into my really crazy deadline days. Best,-Amy
She writes back:
Dear Amy:I recently moved to where I now live to be near family so I do not know anyone outside my family. If I tell him he does not have a father, I would be legally correct but not biologically so. However, I would never tell him that because it could be damaging. I know the names of both of his biological parents but they are not interested in being there for him which is why I adopted him. My lawyer has advised me not to have any contact with them since the biological mother has decided she wants him back. She does not want him back because she loves him but because she sees him as her possession. I asked because I wanted to know if I should let her continue to be a part of his life. In addition, I am the only mother he knows. He has no memory of her because she was never around and neither was his biological father. They neglected him so badly it is surprising he survived, according to his doctor. It was a private adoption and they have my name but that is all they have since the adoption became final. Before, I was trying to give them a chance to be a part of his life so they had my name, address, and cell/home numbers. They never used them.
I tried calling them a few times and they told me they did not care about what was going on with him and did not want to hear about it. When he had to go to the emergency room because a very bad fever caused him to have a seizure, I called to tell them but they did not care. They are in their early 20s and very selfish. The reason he was so neglected was because they wanted to go on with their lives as if he was never born. This included drugs, alcohol and hanging out all night, leaving him at home alone, and sleeping all day, leaving him to find his own food. Someone told them about me and the fact that I wanted a child and they gave him to me no questions asked. I was told that they said that it was better to let me have him than them getting embarrassed and made to look bad by having the state take him. He is doing well now but he has to use an inhaler at times and take a pill for asthma everyday. The doctor said he believes it is because his immune system was compromised during and after the pregnancy. The person who told the parents about me said that they did drugs and alcohol during the pregnancy. I am told that they also abused him and the father abused the mother. There are areas on his body that looks like he was burnt with a cigarettes.
I hope that is enough history. I am getting teary. I get really upset every time I think of how badly my baby was treated and the horrible condition he was in when I got him. -
- LOVING BUT WORRIED SINGLE MOM
I respond:
Wow. What a story. Just heart-wrenching.But, I need you to answer this question I asked you previously:
A question: Is there somebody in your life -- ideally an extremely close friend or somebody in your family -- that you would trust (with your life, pretty much) to make a commitment to being this kid's dad (in terms of being there consistently)?
It's likely too much to ask of anyone, and you'd really have to trust them. Just wondering.
Also, what are your family circumstances and what is their involvement with the child? Does he have a big world, familywise, with your family, or not? Please respond right away. -Amy
Will update this entry when I get more info from her.
UPDATE: Here's more from an e-mail I just got from her --
I have a big family. I moved here 7 months ago so he could be around my family. One of brothers often takes him places with him and he is usually around my other brother when they go to those places. I was hoping my brothers would be all the male influence he would need or want for now because I totally trust them and they will always be there for me and him. However, he is understanding that they are not "daddy" and is asking for HIS daddy. He has started telling me that they are just his uncles, not his daddy.We were in the park the other day and there was a guy sitting on the ground. He walked right up and sat down by that man and asked him if he was his daddy. I got there just in time to hear him ask and realized something needed to be done. He can't be going up to strangers because something could happen to him. Normally I keep him close to me but I was sitting on the bench and letting him play on the slides. It is weird because usually he hides behind my legs when a stranger tries to talk to him.
Men do not even have to be of the same race for him to ask if they are his daddy so he is not identifying with men who look like him. He is just identifying with men. This does not bother me as I have a very mixed family and have always felt as long as they are from the human race that is all that counts. I was asked that question once so I wanted to get that out of the way.
This is a daily routine for us and it is heartbreaking and it is starting to be a little scary. I can't keep avoiding his questions and giving him quick fix answers about "daddy" forever.
My kids are older and I can't remember what they were like at 3. I think I might look for stories like "Are you my mother" and other children's stories about orphaned and adopted animals and kids. I think I would explain to him, even lie to him, that of course he has a father, but we don't know who that is.
As for substitutes, I would be leery of introducing anyone as "father" because of what happens if that person leaves the situation, but friend, or uncle.... And looking at family and friends is good, but also look to Big Brother, church, temple, ....
This young single mother sounds like an angel. And I'm glad she has a lawyer.
jerry at May 29, 2008 1:29 AM
Why can't this woman simply explain to the child that fatherhood is irrelevant (as we presume she believes)? A truth of that magnitude should be easy to sell no matter what the age of the customer, no?
I'll tell you why....
Jerry, "angelic" mothers don't need legal support.
Crid at May 29, 2008 2:21 AM
Reconcile these quotes:
"It was a private adoption and they have my name but that is all they have since the adoption became final."
But then: "Before, I was trying to give them a chance to be a part of his life so they had my name, address, and cell/home numbers."
"I was told that they said that it was better to let me have him than them getting embarrassed and made to look bad by having the state take him."
-----
It might just be me, but I see the possibility that the state of residence doesn't know about this arrangement. I think it's obvious that continued contact with the bio parents is poisonous given the story (what changed since their abandonment of the boy?) and that the LW can't quite deal. It's good she's asking, but I hope this isn't all that's going on. I see where you're going and that's fine; it would be best if she could find committed, personal help to raise this youngster. Irony is here in that adopting made her less attractive to the pool of those looking for a dedicated relationship.
Radwaste at May 29, 2008 2:39 AM
Why not just explain to the boy that his father had to go away, and he shouldn't worry because she (adopted mother) loves him. If he asks where the father is, be truthful and say you don't know. With a 3-year old, best to keep it simple.
cpabroker at May 29, 2008 4:43 AM
Someone told them about me and the fact that I wanted a child and they gave him to me no questions asked. I was told that they said that it was better to let me have him than them getting embarrassed and made to look bad by having the state take him.
Radwaste seems to be on the right track about the dubious status of the "private adoption".
We have "private" adoptions in our family (meaning contact between birth and adopting parents started because the two sides knew each other).
But adoption lawyers and state social services had to be involved for exhaustive background checks (for the parents on both sides) and especially establishing mutual formal agreement about the level of birth parent contact after the adoption was made final.
Both my niece and nephew grew up with the knowledge they had birth parents and adopting parents.
Jody Tresidder at May 29, 2008 5:22 AM
Ack. This is an awful situation. I agree that single mom shouldn't lie to the boy, but she needs to have a standard, unwavering answer for him. If he asks where the father is, be truthful and say you don't know. With a 3-year old, best to keep it simple. Yes, like this.
I'm assuming she's got the biological parents info in case of health issues? But these are good people to stay the fuck away from.
Raising kids is not an easy task, and I'm hoping she has a lot of family support, because it seems to me that she wasn't exactly thinking clearly or weighing all the aspects of adoption before she was presented with this, ah, opportunity. Gods bless her. She's going to need all the help she can get. o_O
Flynne at May 29, 2008 5:31 AM
"I agree that single mom shouldn't lie to the boy, but she needs to have a standard, unwavering answer for him."
The huge problem here, Flynne, is that "standard, unwavering answer" is only going to sound flimsier as the child's curiosity becomes more sophisticated.
It sounds as though no one involved here was thinking very clearly about the future when the "private" adoption was arranged.
Jody Tresidder at May 29, 2008 5:40 AM
True that, Jody.
Flynne at May 29, 2008 5:44 AM
Flynne,
I didn't mean to parrot half your comment in mine - I was obviously thinking on the same lines as you!
I was told that they said that it was better to let me have him than them getting embarrassed and made to look bad by having the state take him.
Amy,
This is possibly a key passage?
Everyone needs to forget about "embarrassment" and think about the child.
Unless the loving adopting mother is planning to go on the run with the child - to avoid further entanglement with the lousy birth parents - she really is going to have to face up to the authorities.
Yes, it's a vastly intrusive process. Yes, she may have to prepare herself for the birth parents fighting her. I can even see the whole situation going to hell, with the child being taken into care as an interim measure.
Better face it now, though - than later?
(And if I'm wrong, and the adoption is perfectly legal and recognized; the birth parents are asking for "embarrassment" by their selfishly inconsistent behavior.)
Jody Tresidder at May 29, 2008 6:09 AM
I don't have children, but I'm with cpabroker and Flynne. I think whoever told her that it's unhealthy to tell him he doesn't have a father is full of it. Along with love, kids need stability over everything else. Prolonging his confusion over his family situation is what seems unhealthy to me.
She needs to tell him it's just the two of them. Anything else is just lying to the boy and as Jody points out the lie will get flimsier the older he gets. What's going to hurt him more learning an unpleasant truth now or realizing later that the one person he should be able to trust completely has lied to him about something that big?
SeanH at May 29, 2008 6:20 AM
Something seems "off" about this story. Does anyone else feel a little hyperbole? Especially this: "There are areas on his body that looks like he was burnt with a cigarettes. " There are areas on my body that "look" like cigarette burns, but it's more of a skeeter bite scar or something. And then this: "I am getting teary." Sometimes people make situations worse by over-dramatizing them. I feel that here. My oldest son is adopted. I adopted him as an older child, and believe me, he didn't come from the greatest living environment. The most loving thing I could do for him was be honest and straightforward. A couple of years of counseling was my first move towards healing for him. If she doesn't have any close friends or family, then she needs to move closer to family to provide that for him in these fragile early years. I don't understand why she wouldn't have done that already, especially since he has suffered intense abuse and trauma at an early age.
kg at May 29, 2008 6:39 AM
I think the three-year old, being most directly affected, has done the logic that nobody here seems to have done... The reason that he won't have a father is that his mother doesn't want him to.
Talk about what's "healthy" is hollow in the face of that madness.
Crid at May 29, 2008 6:45 AM
"Something seems "off" about this story".
kg, I agree.
(Though my instinct is that somehow the adopting mother is related to the birth mother? This doesn't mean she isn't loving and sincere - but I wondered if this mention of "embarrassment" is connected to the reputation of one family?)
Jody Tresidder at May 29, 2008 6:53 AM
I agree something is "off" about this story too. This woman is not talking about her child's fears, she is talking about her own. She should simply explain in the child's terms something along the lines of cpabroker and flynne. And get help - professional counseling - for herself.
You amaze me Amy, when you keep trying to get information from your LWs. I am so flooded with email at my workplace that I don't even read ten per cent of them. Others that clearly have nothing to do with me or where I can't provide information because it's not my area I just ignore -- it's terrible but it's self-preservation. I used to answer every email (i.e. try to direct person to correct department) until the volume just got stupid. Now after 10 hours a day at work I just go home to my family and try not to worry about unanswered emails. But then I'm not an Advice Goddess.
RS at May 29, 2008 7:21 AM
Crid, you know I'm with you on your stance on the selfishness of single parents having kids just because they want to. My little sister said of a woman who did that -- got knocked up on purpose to have a kid without a man, that she's "too disagreeable to have a man in her life." A kid shouldn't have to suffer from that.
Anyway, I would have blasted this woman on that, and restrained myself from doing it when I first e-mailed her back in hopes of getting more information...and then it sounded like she rescued the kid from a pretty horrible fate, so I didn't. I don't think she knew I would've blasted her -- and I think it's unlikely she made up all the stuff about the birth parents.
I just e-mailed her and asked her to comment here.
Amy Alkon at May 29, 2008 7:38 AM
Sounds fishy. It's like when you get a whole sob story from someone about how their evil stepmother forgot to give them food for a week, and made them eat old bits of cottage cheese and sit on cushionless chairs and THEN you find out that this person stole money, lied, and stabbed the dog, etc. O.K you get the point.
Point is it smells FISHY. I think she didn't do everything on the up and up and is conveniently forgetting to mention that part.
Furthermore, I agree with others. What's the problem with truth. Children aren't morons just b/c they're diminutive. Tell him that he came from someone else, and now her job is to love him as much as possible and care for him. (OK, I'm making that up--she'll figure it out, she's the mother. ) Honesty is always best. But then again, I think she's not being truthful. It's a portion of the truth. Which is a sign of emotional neediness, or needing to "make" her case, and elicit sympathy. hm.
caroline at May 29, 2008 7:42 AM
Amy, your clarity on this one is seriously impressive. Hopefully the woman won't be bothered by this turning into a blog post... It's a big country, and her anonymity is guaranteed by that as well as your (faultless) discretion.
By the way, can something be hollow in the face of madness? Is that a mixed metaphor? Everybody where I was going with that, right? Right.
Others are being more attentive to minute inconsistencies than I am, and after doing this for a while you probably have high-percentage bullshit detection.
(I had a a family connection to a radio psychologist in the LA heyday of that stuff in the late 80's. One day I heard him take a call from someone and advise with a problem. The next day I tuned into Schlessinger, who took the same caller with the same problem. Maybe the person was just a scammer anyway, though both hosts played along. But for a few seconds there was a fantasy that all these troubled people didn't exist, that they were performances from an advice-seeking service that sometimes tried to economize.)
Anyway, it's great that everyone understands we're not getting the full story here.
Crid at May 29, 2008 7:52 AM
Call me naive, but I don't see anything fishy. No conspiracy, no hidden agenda. All I see is a woman who cares deeply about the child she saved from a bad situation confronted with a question and actions from what must be a pretty amazingly astute three year old. The child is awfully young to have put together that there is something different in his life than other kids. The child does need an answer that will satisfy his need for this information. I hate to use this term but at three the child could be given a "version of the truth" enough to satisfy his need, simple enough for him to understand, and not hutrtfull to his psyche. Such as " You do have a father but he is unable to be here for you" Not, "Your father is a loser and unable or doesn't care to be here." The why's will inevitably come up with a child that age. But the truth on that can wait till he is mature enough to understand that his biological parents suck. Till then "he lives to far away", or some other thing like it might satisfy his needs. then the suportive uncles feel the void. By the way grew up in a single parent household, but because my father died in his thirties. single parents are not always a drain on society, and they even every now and then produce productive members of society.
PVM at May 29, 2008 8:00 AM
Amy, i very much enjoy your columns/blog and hope that i can make this point without causing offense.
It always amazes me when I see someone write to an advice columnist with a very serious problem that needs WAY more attention than can be provided in this forum.
This woman needs counseling, this woman needs to have her child in counseling, if everything in these emails is true (which i doubt), this child needs some very serious psychological help.
Amy, again, i love your work, and I do think you help a lot of people out, so please don't think i'm trying to diminish your work.
Katie at May 29, 2008 8:02 AM
> The child does need an answer
> that will satisfy his need for
> this information.
The kid needs a father, not some pearl of polished rhetoric.
> they even every now and then
> produce productive members
> of society.
"Now and then" isn't the percentage we're looking for, here.
Crid at May 29, 2008 8:04 AM
Is this letter even for real? The kid is three and she's had him for two years. So, we have a kid from the ages of 0 to 1 having to stay at home alone all night and find his own food from time to time? No wonder a doctor would be amazed that the baby is still alive. Are the rules that different in the US than Canada? If a doctor suspects any sort of abuse of a minor, they are required to report it to the appropriate authorities. If the baby's condition was as bad as indicated, I can't imagine a doctor agreeing to keep quiet. The parents freaking NEED to be "embarassed"!!
moreta at May 29, 2008 8:04 AM
"for a few seconds there was a fantasy that all these troubled people didn't exist, that they were performances from an advice-seeking service that sometimes tried to economize"
*Truer than you think. Back during the Maurey/Bey/Springer salad days, you would often see the same folks making the rounds - this week, she's anorexic; next week, she doesn't like her husband's friends!
Katie - I don't agree that the kid necessarily needs counseling. He needs the truth. My family experience started with a deadbeat dad, and at about the same age, I realized he wasn't going to be coming around. It stings more than a little (and a lot worse for my older brother who has better memories from that time). But he's not going to go catatonic once he hears the truth.
snakeman99 at May 29, 2008 8:11 AM
i don't think he needs counseling because he doesn't have a dad, he needs counseling b/c he was abused/abandoned/neglected for the first year of his life. If that is all true, I would find it impossible to believe there aren't some psychological wounds there that need healing. And the mom definitely needs someone to talk to about all of this, more than just a few emails back and forth. She seems pretty torn up, maybe too torn up about the daddy issue and not torn up enough about the other stuff.
katie at May 29, 2008 8:16 AM
Well, the LW is right when she says she "can't keep avoiding his questions". So she needs to tell him something truthful, but also something he can understand: "Yes, you have a daddy, but he can't be here with you." Why? "I don't know where he is." Why? "That's just the way it is right now." Why? "That's just the way it is right now." I agree that she really should get some counseling for the both of them, too.
Flynne at May 29, 2008 8:16 AM
Crid,
I can only speak for my family. I was 15 months when my father passed the oldest of the nine children (yes nine, catholic-latino) was 15 years. To my mothers credit, we have one PHD'ed college professor, two in management retail positions, a plummer, a machinest, a Real estate/venture capitalist (by the way he was the problem child) two who are full time mothers and homemakers, and myself a quality control rep for a manufacturing company. No drug problems, no alcholism, no serial killers. Some of us had our issues as teenagers and even young adults. But all productive members of society. The "now and then was' tounge in cheek.
pvm at May 29, 2008 8:19 AM
"Real estate/venture capitalist (by the way he was the problem child)"
*Isn't that always the way? Good for him.
snakeman99 at May 29, 2008 8:21 AM
PVM, pretty sure when people knock single parents they are knocking the ones that choose to do it that way, i can't imagine anyone getting on your mom for being a single parent b/c her husband died!
Katie at May 29, 2008 8:23 AM
"The kid needs a father, not some pearl of polished rhetoric."
Well what do you suggest? That she hook him up with his biological father? Or are you trying to make a point that she never should have adopted this child, since she is unmarried?
Pirate Jo at May 29, 2008 8:23 AM
moreta, even if the doctor did call CPS, that doesn't necessarily mean they would have done anything. My observations of a, ahem, certain relative has convinced me that people who truly are bad parents and really do abuse their children nearly always get away with it, because those same personality traits make them good at gaming the social welfare system and intimidating authorities.
crid, I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one. It's not like the LW went out and found a babysdaddy to do her. Yes, a two-parent household is best, but a single parent is still a heck of a lot better than no parents. So I'm not going to give the LW any grief over what she did. I do hope her lawyer is getting the paperwork ducks in a row, but that's not really relevant to the question she asked.
And for that: Hmm, tough one. I don't know if there is any pat answer that will ever work. Honesty is the best policy in the long run, but there are things that a 3-year-old isn't capable of understanding, as the LW has found out. If it were me, I might try something like this: "You were brought here from a long, long way away. Your daddy couldn't come with you." Then, I'd see if a male relative might be willing to fill the role, at least in the child's eyes. If said relative agrees, he can come to the child and say something like, "Would you like me to be your new daddy?" I guarantee you the boy isn't going to say no to that. Note that this mean the guy is going to have to make a certain committment to filling that role. But it's already an improvisational situation anyway; everyone will just have to do the best they can.
And that's really the key, maybe. Children are usually pretty resiliant. As long as the boy isn't being jerked around and the LW and whoever else is involved are making sure that the boy understands that he is loved and wanted, then it'll probably work out all right.
Cousin Dave at May 29, 2008 8:24 AM
Your dad dying, pvm, isn't the same as all these people (almost always women) who decide that their baby lust comes first - before a kid's need for a mother and father.
And Cousin Dave, it makes a difference to me, too, that she apparently didn't go out and find a baby-daddy, and that she adopted a kid who would've had a hellish life otherwise, and possibly would've died, if her story is true. This is really a case of child-rescue, it seems to me.
Amy Alkon at May 29, 2008 8:30 AM
I'd normally bash her for adopting as a single mother, but I agree with Amy's take - this was a rescue.
I have no idea how to explain anything to a three year old beyond "when you're older, you'll understand".
I mean, you could tell him his father's dead, but at this point, if you've told him anything else, he'll know you're lying. You can tell him that his father ran away after he was born, and hope he was too young to remember his parents.
I don't know that there's any way the kid will handle the truth at any age though. That's just too much of a mind-fuck for anyone.
brian at May 29, 2008 8:39 AM
> Yes, a two-parent household
> is best
Don't you want what's best?
> a single parent is still a
> heck of a lot better than
> no parents.
Is there any reason to think there wasn't a loving couple ready to welcome this child into the family? She didn't pick him out from under a box at the edge of dump where he might have starved without her... Someone from a state agency presumably gave that kid to that woman.
I strongly suspect the market force at work here isn't the paucity of loving mothers & fathers, but the boundless, biologically-funded eagerness which women --including many single woman-- have for raising children.
PJ presents a whiff of the unstoppable sense of entitlement at work:
> Or are you trying to make
> a point that she never
> should have adopted this
> child, since she is
> unmarried?
That's the bottom of her comment. The top is sarcastically-phrased insinuations that my fondness for stable, balanced households is rote and mechanical.
The point I'm trying to make is that a really loving mother will recognize that their children deserve loving fathers as well.
The American Apple-Pie fantasies about motherhood as an endlessly supportive, nurturing, natural force for good are twisting society (and the minds of three year olds) is some pretty despicable ways. Women are permitted --sometimes encouraged-- to believe that they can do everything themselves. The kid knows better.
Sure, PJ, go ahead and find the magic words to shut this little fucker up, so the woman can get on with her egomaniacal fantasy of heroic parenthood, where her majestic selflessness and compassion rescued an urchin from certain doom. For now he's being verbal, but maybe if he stops talking about it, his resentment will go away. Right? Sure.
(Notice that this kid doesn't seem to have a problem with adoption per se. He wakes and says "You're Mom? Great. Now where's Dad?")
Crid at May 29, 2008 9:06 AM
If a doctor suspects any sort of abuse of a minor, they are required to report it to the appropriate authorities. If the baby's condition was as bad as indicated, I can't imagine a doctor agreeing to keep quiet.
moreta, I'm guessing the doctor only became involved during an emergency situation that directly proceeded the adoption. Maybe the child was taken to the emergency room, and that's where the doctor got involved. Lousy parents strung out on meth all the time aren't exactly the kind of people who will take a baby in for regular appointments. It doesn't sound like the doctor was providing medical care regularly; it sounds like he was there to save the kid from dying.
It's heartbreaking, but there are a lot of children like this in the world, and many of them never have the good fortune to be adopted. As a prosecutor, I've seen some horrendous cases of child abuse, and it's harrowing to think that there are children out there that we'll never find, because they're too young to know to go to the police and they have no one in their lives who will do it for them. Schools are pretty good at reporting suspected cases of child abuse or neglect, as are doctors, and even concerned neighbors, but those reports require that the children be somewhere that the doctors, or the schools, or the neighbors can observe them. We had a case where a baby died choking on his own vomit while his parents got high in the next room. The only reason we ever found out about the neglect was because of the dead body.
As for the letter writer, I don't really know what she can tell her child, other than a simplified version of the truth: his dad is no longer there, but he has a mother and a family who love him. It sounds like he has uncles who are willing to step up and be father figures for him; I hope that means he will have strong male figures in his life.
Elizabeth at May 29, 2008 9:06 AM
I meant to include something in my last comment that somehow I managed to leave out. :) If the doctor only treated the child during an emergency situation, but suspected, while providing treatment, that the child was being abused, he probably did report it to the police. We don't have much information here, and it could be that it was reported and followed up on, or reported and not followed up on; or it could be that the doctor only came to realize later, after the adoption, that the child had been abused, in his conversations with the adoptive mother. It's not always apparent that an injury or an illness was caused by abuse or neglect.
My point is that doctors in my jurisdiction routinely report suspected abuse/neglect to the authorities, and I can't imagine that my jurisdiction is unique in America. :)
Elizabeth at May 29, 2008 9:16 AM
I used to work in a residential treatment facility for troubled kids and adolescents. I specifically worked with the 8 to 10-year-old boys. A lot of them would call the staff members "mom" and "dad" at times. It was understandable that they would use those terms as we filled a lot of the role that their horrible parents should have been. Our compromise to the situation was to use the term "faux mama" or "faux daddy." Maybe she could use that term for one of her brothers?
Amy K at May 29, 2008 9:17 AM
Once again I made a hash of trying to get my point across. Not suggesting that my mother's situation in anyway compares to this one or other single parent's who are single for what ever reason. Just making the point that a well adjusted productive person can come out of a single parent family. The neighberhod I came from had a lot of absent parents of both genders. Rather the reason was jail, death, or just an assholes who couldn't face up to the responsibility. But one strong parent is in alot of these cases enough, and is definitely better than two weak ones who don't care. Two good parents would be great, but the reality is sometimes this isn't possible or doesn't happen for what ever reason. This doesn't mean the kid is screwed. I know sometimes they are, but a bad parent is a bad parent alone or with a partner.
pvm at May 29, 2008 9:33 AM
I wish this letter could be published in a newspaper, because it's a must-read for all those single women who are thinking of getting knocked up because they "want" a baby. The same can be said for same-sex couples who want to be parents. A situation of adopting an abused and unwanted child is a good alternative. Yes, the child still doesn't have a father, but that's the fault of the birth parents, not the adoptive parent who is trying to make the best of things. The LW in this case has probably saved the child years of foster care and he would have ended up much more emotionally damaged.
Karen at May 29, 2008 9:39 AM
No Crid, I wasn't being sarcastic, and I don't think your fondness for stable, balanced households is rote and mechanical. I actually agree with you on this issue, and that the sense of entitlement many women seem to have about raising children on their own to suit their own needs is irritating and harmful.
Your comment just didn't seem to offer anything constructive - it sounded more like a token register of disapproval than any kind of helpful suggestion.
Your more recent post fleshes this out quite a bit - you make a good point that she didn't find the kid in a box by the side of the road. You think that rather than her adopt the kid herself, the child should have been placed in a two-parent adoptive family. That was the answer I was looking for - what your *solution* to this would be. And I don't disagree with that, although it does seem a bit late in the game for your suggestion to be followed. He has been with her for two years now and certainly wouldn't benefit from being uprooted yet again.
This story illustrates your point of view though.
3-year-olds without fathers will ask where their daddies are, and there is a more important issue here than how to get the little fuckers to shut up. Namely, the reason they have to ask in the first place. Too bad so many people like his biological parents can't seem to remember to use birth control.
Pirate Jo at May 29, 2008 9:39 AM
By the way, Crid, I'm still not sure what your point is. Of course the LW understands her kid's need of a father, and she's trying to deal with it. She asked what to do to help him, not get him to shut up or to help herself feel better about it. So, should she have adopted him or not? And if not, what would the alternative have been? Let him stay with his crappy excuses of parents, or be passed around in foster homes?
Karen at May 29, 2008 9:47 AM
I wish this letter could be published in a newspaper, because it's a must-read for all those single women who are thinking of getting knocked up because they "want" a baby.
I'll probably just mention the scenario (this kid desperate for a daddy) in a question I answer from a reader who wants to become a single mother.
Amy Alkon at May 29, 2008 9:50 AM
PJ, I blubber on about this so often and so loudly that it's a surprise when regulars don't here seem to understand the position.
Or maybe it's because I write badly, as when switching the number midway, as above. Here it is both ways in the best English I can muster....
[A] A loving mother knows that her child deserves a loving father as well.
[B] Loving mothers know their children deserve loving fathers as well.
(Take your pick!)
This is so obvious to me that it's amazing to see twenty comments steam by without someone mentioning it. That's why it wasn't offered as a suggestion.... I mean, everybody knows that, right?
"Apparently not", said the three-year-old.
> a bad parent is a bad
> parent alone or with
> a partner.
The difference is that the partner (in this case let's call him "father") might be a good parent, mitigated the damage.
Ask around. That happens all the time! Kids get different things from each.
> what would the alternative have
> been? Let him stay with his crappy
> excuses of parents, or be passed
> around in foster homes?
You seem eager, positively horny, to believe those were his only choices... Why is that? As I understand it, there's a loving, competent couple out there for every baby that the agencies can bring to market.
Crid at May 29, 2008 10:00 AM
...every baby who...
etc.
Sorry, the keyboard defeats me this morning
Crid at May 29, 2008 10:06 AM
"PJ, I blubber on about this so often and so loudly that it's a surprise when regulars don't here seem to understand the position."
Maybe I just like hearing you articulate it. :-)
That Amy currently has someone writing to her who "wants to be a single mother" makes my hair curl. Notice they don't write to her saying they want to raise a child without a father.
Pirate Jo at May 29, 2008 10:26 AM
{The difference is that the partner (in this case let's call him "father") might be a good parent, mitigated the damage.
Ask around. That happens all the time! Kids get different things from each.}
"might" is the most important word there. But more likely won't. Crack heads don't often marry saints. People who are of poor enough character to be a bad parent don't usually marry people of good character.
Don't bothering asking around. Look for yourself this also happens all the time.
Actually I am sure that good person (parent), good person (parent)combinations and bad person (parent), bad person (parent) combinations are much more common than Good person (parent), bad person (parent) combinations. I would even be willing to suggest that like marrying like is the norm.
pvm at May 29, 2008 10:27 AM
i think we can all agree that a mom AND a dad are ideal, then you read something like this... http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1220338.ece
There ought to be some sort of application process for people to procreate.
katie at May 29, 2008 10:31 AM
"As I understand it, there's a loving, competent couple out there for every baby that the agencies can bring to market."
This is also my understanding, although sometimes the agencies themselves scare me.
Pirate Jo at May 29, 2008 10:37 AM
So, should she have adopted him or not? And if not, what would the alternative have been? Let him stay with his crappy excuses of parents, or be passed around in foster homes?
Unfortunately, the adopting mother may well be condemning him to temporary state care in the near future- because of what appears to be an irregular access situation with the birth parents.
The LW says her lawyer advises her not have contact with the birth parents as if this is a matter of personal choice.
Normally, these critical details should have been thrashed out before the adoption became final.
(I can't understand the status of the adoption. These matters are not simply technicalities!)
Jody Tresidder at May 29, 2008 10:42 AM
"As I understand it, there's a loving, competent couple out there for every baby that the agencies can bring to market."
Yes, white, healthy babies....
katie at May 29, 2008 10:46 AM
Crid writes: "Is there any reason to think there wasn't a loving couple ready to welcome this child into the family?"
Actually, yes there is. I just looked up some adoption statistics on the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Web site. Assuming that the boy would have wound up a ward of the state had the LW not come along, then the child's odds of ever being adopted, by anyone, would be about 1 out of 3. The study was ove the period 1995-2002, and it showed trends that remained very constant over that period:
* About 300,000 children entered the foster care system each year. (Given that orphanages are just about obsolete in the U.S., this accounts for essentially all children who became wards of the state in that year.)
* Of these, about half were eventually reunited with their parents.
* Of the other half, 1/3 were adopted, and 1/3 wound up in various ad hoc living arrangements. (Many of the latter wind up re-entering the system 1-2 years later.)
* About 20,000 per year leave the system upon reaching the age of majority or getting themselves legally emancipated (without ever being adopted). About 13,000 per year leave the system on account of being jailed, running away, disappearing, or dying.
Like the market for pet adoption, the market for adoption of children is a buyer's market. Most children put up for adoption will live out the rest of their childhood (such as it is) in the tender arms of the state.
Cousin Dave at May 29, 2008 10:55 AM
Katie, Sun link isn't working. Can you please repost?
Amy Alkon at May 29, 2008 10:55 AM
I don't think anyone has mentioned, yet, that it's uncertain whether or not this kid knows he's adopted. If he doesn't know, then he should be told, and in the telling, he will find out the status of his daddy. Adoption organizations deal with these issues all the time; they have books and pamphlets that counsel people on how to break the news to adoptive children, at all ages. The child should get the standard line about how his parents loved him but couldn't take care of him, and so gave him to the LW. His daddy is away and he can't see him, but he loves him very much.
As for the adoption issues that people are writing about: I don't see any strangeness. With irresponsible, drug and alcohol abusing people, legal arrangements have little weight because they might change their minds at any time. It sounds to me like these people were really shitty parents, and someone suggested that they give the kid to LW to raise, and so she accepted. But this wasn't an issue of the parents deciding consciously and responsibly that they wanted the kid to be adopted. Rather, they were presented with this one option, and they accepted, but there's no guarantee they would have accepted any other option. If they were that reasonable, they would have given the kid up for adoption BEFORE they neglected and abused him. Giving a child up for adoption is an extremely painful decision and takes responsibility and maturity to decide on. The birth parents lack those qualities, but were impelled by these particular circumstances to OK the transfer. Later, after it was all finalized, they changed their minds, as stoned people are wont to do. But by that time, LW had moved and the contact info she'd given them was no longer valid.
Quizzical at May 29, 2008 11:02 AM
weird, not working, it's the story of a British couple (woman 59 man 72) who went to India for artifical inseminiation b/c they are too old to recieve the treatment in the UK, back in UK for delivery, then abandon the twins b/c they were girls and they wanted boys.
Katie at May 29, 2008 11:04 AM
With irresponsible, drug and alcohol abusing people, legal arrangements have little weight because they might change their minds at any time.
Quizzical,
I'm not entirely following this.
If the birth couple have agreed to the adoption, and it is finalized, the law does not normally permit them just to change their minds.
You seem to be saying the law can't/won't apply to them?
Jody Tresidder at May 29, 2008 11:16 AM
I think the important think to remember is not if the adoptive mother is single or that the woman got a child in a non standard way is that you are dealing with a 3 year old.
The woman is asking how to answer a question from a toddler. She really needs to answer this question as it is exhibiting itself in strange, embarrassingly (for the mother) and even potentially dangerous behavior (he is going up to complete strangers asking if they are his father. All it takes is one sicko to say yes and go off with him).
But how do you answer a question to a three year old. Children at that age are not simple adult humans in which to give the Joe Friday routine. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Heck even answering a question to an adult can be difficult as you have to be PC careful or self-esteem issues, politics etc.
Children that age are illogical, strange, magical thinking little humans. They can not differentiate between Bob the Builder and a Butt crack showing construction worker. They believe in Santa Claus and cartoons characters. The can wave a little stick and think it is a gun.
This question is hard to answer as with questions of where do babies come from? Is Santa Claus real? Why is the sky blue? You can not expect the mother can not just go right out and say "Sorry son, your daddy is a irresponsible loser who is hooked on meth, and would prefer to go to the bar then play with you. and expect Junior to go "yes Mom, know I understand. I will now go eat some crayons!"
I love Amy. But this I think is hard question for her. He usual work is dealing with older people, asking about relationships, work, politics, etc. She uses anthropology and biology to help answer her questions. And the to most part her answers are reasonable and understandable.
First off the mother needs to answer simply and clearly in a sentence or two. The language has to be simple and short. The mother can expect that after giving an answer the kid stills asks who is his father. She has to answer the question again and again the same way. No humming or hawing and stammering. Then her behavior has to consistent after she answers. She has to stop the kid from asking strangers if they are his daddy. When he brings the question up to not always answer it. When the child is older she can change and expand on the answer. Also the kid is at an age where he will likely not remember his behavior and the answer he got.
I agree that the child does need an adult male figure in his life it sounds like he got some uncles that can help. But making them into somebody named daddy is not the same as giving him a responsible male role models.
Anybody else in the comment section who has had to answer a three olds questions? How did it work out?
John Paulson at May 29, 2008 11:18 AM
Quizzical,
I was thinking the exact same thing.
I do not think the child knows, and the LW does not seem like the person to tell him.
Facing that may answer every question.
Tim at May 29, 2008 11:20 AM
I don't think any variation on the theme of "you have a father but... (he's away / can't be here / don't know where he is)" is going to stop this little boy from asking where his dad is.
the kid doesn't have a dad. period. some kids have dads, some don't. that's the sad fact of life.
the father of my friend's twins skipped out when his sons were infants. when the questions inevitably began, my friend simply said, "our family is two little boys and a mommy who loves them more than anything. there is no daddy." it worked.
Tracy at May 29, 2008 11:44 AM
Just my opinion here, but walking on eggshells the whole time and pretending like there is some horrible "issue" that can't even be talked about is going to hurt the kid. He obviously realises something is amiss and needs an answer, just give him one, I mean, it's not like you can HIDE the fact that he has no dad from him! Just be frank and honest, tell him that unlike most kids yes he has no dad or his dad can't be part of his life (because they aren't able to take care of him or whatever). It's bad, sure, but it's not horrific. Do NOT make like it's something embarrassing, or something that shouldn't be talked about. State it as openly and plainly as any other ordinary everyday thing; make sure (by example) that he knows he can talk openly. As long as you love and take care of this child and are there for him - and it sounds like that is what is happening - he will be fine, especially if there are good male role models about. He won't be "damaged", or "traumatized". He's not a flower. He'll be fine. Treating him like a "victim" his whole life might damage him, sure. He is not a victim, he is lucky and is going to have a good life.
David at May 29, 2008 11:48 AM
My son is now nine, and I remember him being three like it was a week ago. To tell the truth it doesn't seem much longer than that. The old addage they grow up so fast is truer than one would think possible untill they experience it with their own kids.
To answer John Paulson's question. His mother and I had to answer although not the same question but a tough one at that same age. "why are you divorcing" Understand it was an amicable divorce and we both realized he was the important one in the situation. So we sat him down and let him know we were moving apart and that we both loved him and that he was now going to have two homes instead of just one. He with all the seriousness a three year old can muster informed us he had three homes because his grandparents said he was always welcome there. Sometimes a the truth or a version of it is the best case. He didn't need to know the "why's" of the situation just that it didn't change the fact that we both loved him.
By the way he is a normal happy nine year old near straight A student that plays organised sports and takes Violen lessons and believe it or not enjoys them.
pvm at May 29, 2008 12:11 PM
> Most children put up for adoption
> will live out the rest of their
> childhood (such as it is) in the
> tender arms of the state.
Specifically, your stats don't answer my point about babies. This kid was 1 year old, which means he still had powerful magnetism for adoptive parents. The particulars of his family case notwithstanding, he would have had the best prospects. And adoptive family should be expected to be the best.
For "children" (anyone under aged 18), your point is absolutely true. (And adoption of those kids has been a topic of recent conversations here.) But you're talking about kids who drift in and out of foster care over time, and eventually get parked there. The drifting is one of the things I and others here are happy to complain about, as we rage over divorce, substance abuse and the whole palette of character weakness. As others have noted, irresponsible people people shouldn't have kids. See PJ: "Too bad so many people like his biological parents can't seem to remember to use birth control."
> some kids have dads,
> some don't. that's the
> sad fact of life.
Horseshit. By incompetence fatherhood is withheld, or by cruel fate it's removed. We should never confuse one from the other.
> "our family is two little
> boys and a mommy who loves
> them more than anything.
Here it is, the fantasy of the post-liberation ninny: The centrality of a single woman's emotion can dispel all the Evil in the world through sheer, heroic ego.
> there is no daddy." it worked.
It "worked" at what? Did it give them a father? Or just shut them up? These stories are hideous, absolutely loathsome. Sure, if you break a kid's heart early and mean enough, a certain class of problems will go away... But others will appear.
> Yes, white, healthy
> babies..
Prager says there are plenty of adoptive parents for babies of any color... It's the agencies and policymakers who get in the way, not the adoptive parents.... They'll usually take any color, so long as he or she is very young.
For my own part as a white guy, I'd rather see every white child adopted by loving black parents than see a single one go without that support through childhood.
Crid at May 29, 2008 12:20 PM
...one with the other...
Bad day here
Crid at May 29, 2008 12:29 PM
He will not be going to state care in the future. The adoption is legal and final and cannot be contested any longer. They were served and refused to show up in court.
No I am not selfish. I took a child in that needed a safe loving home and gave it to him.
Yes we had a home study. It was called a private home study and it was done by the very same person who does home studies for the state. As long as it does not interfere with her obligations with the state, she is allowed to do home studies for private adoptions. Yes background checks were done on me but they did not have to do them for the biological parents because they had voluntarily signed away their rights and signed them over to me the day they gave him to me and yes they had legal representation. I insisted on that. I was not there for the exchange of care because my attorney felt that may look like I was there to pressure them. I had no contact with the biological parents until after he was with me.
You do not have to have the state involved in every adoption. See I wanted to make sure it was done right. The overseeing judge who had been sitting on the bench for 40 years wanted to make sure everything was done right also. He said that he had seen too many adoptions overturned and children put back into abusive homes not to take the extra precaution. My attorneys were very careful to make sure everything was legal and aboveboard.
In spite of all of this, what I don't understand is how you all can find fault with me giving a child a loving home. If it was so easy to find homes for the children who need them, there would not be so many children being raised by the system and aging out with no family, never knowing that love. One of the reasons single people can now adopt is because there was not enough couples wiling to step up to the plate. It is as if you would rather see a child suffer in an abusive situation or passed around from foster home to foster home until a couple decides
to adopt him rather than have him adopted by a loving single parent.
Amy if there is a single man or woman out there who wants to adopt, I think they should. They should find a child who needs to feel real love and safety and go for it. No family situation is perfect but as long as a child can feel loved and safe then it is better than most. There are people who stay in awful marriages so the kids can have a two parent home and it ends up being worse for the kids and have far reaching consequences. There are couples who adopt kids but do not know how to love them so the child grows up with two parents but not love.
There is no shame in being a single parent. The shame, I now realize, is asking a bunch of self righteous, heartless people for advice about it.
LW at May 29, 2008 1:05 PM
The shame, I now realize, is asking a bunch of self righteous, heartless people for advice about it.
Oh, please. Some people above have given some very good suggestions.
I said above that I see this as a child rescue, so I suspended my usual lashing for single women who have children on their own.
Because some people wonder about bits of your messages to me -- as, frankly, I did -- as is my job -- doesn't mean they're bad people, or "heartless," but probably that they're thinking people who don't blindly accept whatever they hear or are told. That's a good thing.
Amy Alkon at May 29, 2008 1:13 PM
As the resident asshole, I'll go first. Others may follow. Gotta start work soon so be sure and check in after 1am PST friday.
> I don't understand is how you
> all can find fault with me giving
> a child a loving home.
Because you gave him one without a father, and apparently did it deliberately.
> They should find a child who
> needs to feel real love and
> safety
"Real love and safety" are best provided by a loving mother with a loving father.
> and go for it.
This is not the start of a white river rafting run.
> if it was so easy to find homes
> for the children who need them
See the "babies" thread in earlier comments. You're comparing a less-good outcome to the worst possible outcome as if to ennoble by relief. We want what's best for kids.
> people who stay in awful marriages
> so the kids can have a two parent
> home and it ends up being worse
Again, you're comparing something bad with something worse instead of asking what's best, and it smells like desperation.
> the child grows up with two
> parents but not love.
See the "heroic emotions" discussion, above.
> There is no shame in being
> a single parent.
Depends on how it happens.
Listen, we all really hope things go well for this kid. But your asking a total stranger (a woman we admire, but a stranger nonetheless) how to deflect one of the most profound questions a young man can ask: Where's Dad?
Amy will always speak for herself, but in her first responses to you, I heard her asking why you couldn't find a father for the kid as well. If your home is so loving, why can't you integrate a decent grown man into the fabric as well? Brother Radwaste seems to agree:
> I see where you're going and
> that's fine; it would be best if
> she could find committed, personal
> help to raise this youngster.
> Irony is here in that adopting
> made her less attractive to the
> pool of those looking for
> a dedicated relationship.
Amy's sister made the point as well.
Crid at May 29, 2008 1:27 PM
That's three as wells in a very short time, but off to work, so it's just as w
Crid at May 29, 2008 1:29 PM
LW: Well said! I am in agreement with you, and am frankly shocked at the vast number of negative responses here. You rescued that child. I have acquaintances who adopted toddlers after they got them via foster care. The parents are two gay men who couldn't adopt children through most other routes. The birth parents were drug addicts, and abused the kids. But they were THEIR kids, and they had a right to them, no matter how much they were messing up the kids' lives. I saw the legal struggles they went through. For people who think that the LW's son could just have been adopted by some nice male/female couple, if only LW hadn't gotten in the way--it doesn't work like that. With messed up people like this boy's birth parents, you strike while the iron is hot. The parents won't be behaving rationally. The otpion of adoption probably sounded more appealing to the birth parents, anyway, because LW seems to have been a friend of a friend.
Jody, as for your question:
>Quizzical,
>I'm not entirely following this.
>If the birth couple have agreed to the adoption, >and it is finalized, the law does not normally >permit them just to change their minds.
>You seem to be saying the law can't/won't apply >to them?
I didn't mean that the law can't/won't apply to them, I just meant that the birth parents likely have little regard for the law, hence the reason the LW needs a lawyer, as well as explaining why they first decided not to contact LW, then changed their mind. Some people here thought the LW's story didn't add up because the LW first said the birth parents didn't contact her, then that they sought contact. I was just saying that I don't find the story to be peculiar at all, given the level of responsibility and care the birth parents already showed. If you've ever dealt with a person like that, you'll have seen that they tend not to show up in court, ignore contact from lawyers, then change their minds, and it's a real mess. So I was kind of responding to comments like this: "Jerry, 'angelic' mothers don't need legal support". Saying that is like saying that having a lawyer automatically means you've done something wrong. Uh, no.
Quizzical at May 29, 2008 1:31 PM
When you do it deliberately, there certainly is.
What you've stated here by your actions is that fathers (and possibly men) are superfluous. Unnecessary even.
You've violated the most important rule of questions as well: Never ask a question you might not like the answer to.
brian at May 29, 2008 1:35 PM
To answer the person who said I should tell him that he is adopted. I have been trying to figure out how to tell him that where he will understand what it means. What I told him is that he is very special because I made the choice for him to be with me and to love him. I talked to a guy who was adopted and he said thats what his parents told him.
I did try to think of couples in the beginning because I thought it would be best. I thought that since the bios had been convinced to give the child to me they would be willing to give it to someone I knew and approved of. However, the only couple I knew that wanted to adopt a baby had already adopted a sibling group of two a few months earlier and was trying to adjust to that situation. You see I never saw myself as a single parent. I did not have fantasies that I would have/adopt a child for my own selfish needs. I had always imagined I would marry and then have two kids. That being said, here was a child that needed a home and in my view the selfish thing to do would have been to say, I am single and enjoy being free to do what I want when I want until I get married so no way am I taking him.
Yes there are psychological issues but they were expected and I think we are dealing with those okay. I have discussed those with his doctor. He said that as time passes good memories will replace the bad ones. The nightmares have almost stopped completely. He is not carrying around as much anger. Yes, he was a very angry little boy who used to strike out at whoever was near him or ball up his fist really tight and clench his jaw. He also used to throw things and hit up side the head with his toys as hard as he could. I started buying him stuffed animals and teaching him about how to play using soft hands. Now he plays with toy trucks and other heavy toys without much of a problem . Sometimes he still throws things when he gets angry but I was told that is normal for a toddler because he is just testing his limits. In the beginning, he would get really upset if it was too dark in the room or if I was not in his sight but now he neither of those things bother him. Sometimes he finds me to make sure I am still there or he calls out to me and when I answer he is fine. He did not even know what a hug or a kiss was but now he does because he gets plenty of them.
For those of you who think this is a hoax, I am sorry to say it is not. Sad as it may seem, this is real. For the person from Canada, I don't know anything about Canadian laws but I do know there are many kids dying everyday here from abuse that was never reported or reported but ignored.
I do not intend to hide the fact that he is adopted. In fact, he has an older sibling that was adopted in a closed adoption years earlier. I left my information with the agency that handled it and told them I have his brother. About six months later I got a call from the adoptive mother of his birth sister. The little girl is very excited to have a little brother. I often show him pics that the family emails me. We have not exchanged addresses but my research revealed they were in Michigan. They have since moved and I we only exchange email now. But, he knows that is his sister. He has never asked me why she is not living with us but i know that question is coming.
I am willing to get him counseling if his doctor recommends it.
LW at May 29, 2008 1:46 PM
I was adopted, and my parents from day one were open about my adoption. They explained simply to me that I was their child - but I was born from other people, while they'd show me picture, and read me letters from my birth family. As I grew I was told in a more complex fashion what it meant to be adopted. Also, they would attend groups where I could play with other adopted children, I'm sure they felt support in that community.
I believe you need to explain to your son as he understands, no less, no more.
Edi at May 29, 2008 2:13 PM
Those who gave good advice, please forgive me.
What is ideally best is not always what is realistically possible.
If I thought men were not necessary, would I have uprooted my life moved across country so he could be around my family, especially my brothers. Most of you are missing the point. He has strong men in his life that he spends lots of time with and loves very much but he wants a daddy.
Unfortunately kids don't always have real daddies even when they are in a two parent home. I am looking for ways to explain things to him and most of you are verbally beating up on me because he is in a LOVING, SAFE home with a single parent. THE HORROR! I mean wow, I should have left him where he was in the hopes that the state would get involved and on the chance they get involved, he would be adopted by a couple and on the chance he got adopted by a couple.
In cases where a child is taken by the state, the state is legally bound for a certain amount of time, the shortest period being a year, to try to keep the family unit together. During this time the child will most likely be back and forth between the abusive home and foster homes or back and forth between foster homes. After the statutory period, the state then set about terminating parental rights, if appears the parents are not trying to work with them. This not an overnight process because parents are given great leeway because terminating parental rights is taking away rights given to parents in the constitution.
The overseeing judge told us a story about an adoption that was overturned. The couple had the child for five years before adopting her. Seven years after her adoption was final, the mother wanted her back. Normally she could not do this but she was able to show that she was not personally served. The person at her address was served but they never gave it to her. He said that was one of the saddest cases of adoption he had ever seen but the Supreme Court felt the mother's Constitutional rights had been violated. He did not tell us what happened to that little girl but he told us that until he was sure everything was done by the book in my case, he would not sign the adoption papers. He also told us that unfortunately stuff like that happens all the time.
Just because a child is adopted by a couple does not mean everything would go perfect.
LW at May 29, 2008 2:25 PM
Nothing is perfect. You're in a suboptimal situation.
But the one answer to your question of "where do I get my son a daddy" is simply "find one and marry him."
There are plenty of services available where you could find such a man. I'm sure that at least one exists.
brian at May 29, 2008 2:29 PM
LW,
Very good luck to you and your son.
Quizzical,
Thanks for your response. That makes perfect sense now!
Jody Tresidder at May 29, 2008 2:31 PM
LW:
This is clearly an emotional issue and my heart goes out to you. Take a deeeep breath! Ok, let's move on:
Many posters here agree that single-parents households are less than ideal. Are all two-parent households perfect? No way, jose! And I'd bet these same people would agree with that. But that is beside the point. Again to recap: TWO, LOVING, SUPPORTIVE parents is the *ideal* situation.
Crid said it: you're comparing one less-than-ideal situation (loving single parent) to a waaay worse one (leaving him with abusive drug addicts).
The "let's jump on this woman" posts were a result of an initial bias that you were probably some self-loathing, miserably single woman over the age of 35 who was desperate for the constant attention and love of another living creature. That you just NEEDED to be NEEDED. There are plenty of those women who decide to knock themselves up before their eggs totally dry up or whatever.
You're clearly not that type of woman.
So - would it have been IDEAL for your son to have BOTH a mother and father who LOVE him? YES!! (And again, we all realize plenty of two-parent homes are ineffective and combative ones, mine included!!!). Is he better off than before? YES!!
I'll point out that there might be many loving, capable couples who want to adopt (a couple I know is trying to get a daughter from China) but maybe if no one reported this couple to the state he would never have gotten into the system (and getting into the system is the only way a couple will find the child)...and LW would rather have taken him in as a single mother than letting him go into the system for who knows how long before MAYBE getting adopted or maybe just growing up in the system.
Gretchen at May 29, 2008 2:35 PM
I am sorry I blew up. I just could not believe i was being attacked for adopting a child. I felt it was so unreasonable and illogical that I had almost decided to stop reading and never visit the site again. But, then I read postings from Quizzical and others and felt it was not all bad.
The reason I came to Amy is because I like her page. I do not post on her site because I can't relate to the questions asked.
How do I find that group that would allow him to play with other kids that are adopted? I am already in a parenting club for parents of young children. They have an hour of "mommy/daddy and me" then an hour where the child plays with other kids and the parents get parenting lessons. None of these lessons cover being an adoptive parent. They also provide tutors to help prepare the children for headstart/kindergarden.
Brian, I do not want to find him a daddy like that. If I meet the right man, great. If I do not meet the right man the question i asked in the beginning still has to be answered.
What can I do to help my little boy who is missing not having a "daddy"? How do I answer his questions? I do not mind him knowing he is adopted I am just not sure it will stop the questions because I am not sure he will understand the full concept.
So please, can I get answers that will help me with the problem at hand.
Fro those who wonder what happened with the first little girl, she WAS taken by the state and that is the agency I contacted to give my information to. She was about one when she was taken and in the system for two years before being adopted.
LW at May 29, 2008 3:09 PM
> my parents from day one were
> open about my adoption.
Edi -
A happily married friend with two biologicals and one adoptee did a similar approach... Their youngest child always knew he was adopted, adn he was also told that the mother lived in nearby town and that he'd be given her info to do what he wanted when he was sixteen. I thought that was a perfect compromise: Not insisting on full adulthood, but still an important moment in his life to be achieved with the passage of time. What do you think of that?
Crid at May 29, 2008 3:09 PM
> What can I do to help my little
> boy who is missing not having a
> "daddy"? How do I answer his
> questions?
If you have the resources, in your own heart and elsewhere, give him one.
> How do I answer his questions?
I'd seek and accept Alkon's opinion on many matters, some of them quite personal. But understand that she's a happily childless woman, and you're coming to her with some of the most profound issues your son is ever going to face. When he asks "Where's Dad?", he's not just asking who's going to play catch with him. He's also asking what role do grown-up little boys play in society. To say "there is no father" is to answer with oblivion.
Crid at May 29, 2008 3:15 PM
To say "there is no father" is to answer with oblivion.
That was my problem. That's why I couldn't answer this myself.
Now, I can come up with all sorts of world-class blather to tell people -- here's how you break up with somebody so you let them down like they're falling on a big down pillow, etc. -- but there's more needed here than some fancy explanation.
You've got it exactly right, Crid -- much more complex than it seems.
Amy Alkon at May 29, 2008 3:20 PM
I have always said that when he is around sixteen or seventeen, I would let him decide if he wants to meet them. I want him to be old enough to deal with it if they decide to reject him again or if they are still abusive. Of course I would go with him if he wanted to meet them at that time.
I had already decided that when he is old enough to understand the concept of adoption I would explain that his bios could not take care of him so they gave him to me to take care of so he would have a good life.
I have kept a journal from the very first moment I was told about him. I am not sure if I should let him read it when he is older or not. I was angry at the condition he was in when I got him and I wrote it all down, the condition and the angry feelings. Sometimes I think I should just tell him what I decided above and just leave it at that. I just worry that someone is going to tell him the truth about how he was treated and then I will have appeared to have lied to him. Thank goodness I have years to figure that part out.
Of course no one came right out and said whether or not alcoholism runs in the families but I wonder about that. They gave me the usual rundown of diseases. For instance, cancer runs in his biological mother's family at a high rate.
LW at May 29, 2008 3:34 PM
What can I do to help my little boy who is missing not having a "daddy"? How do I answer his questions? I do not mind him knowing he is adopted I am just not sure it will stop the questions because I am not sure he will understand the full concept.
LW,
Stop thinking you're alone!
Try googling children's books for adopted children for a start. (I just did - it throws up a ton of stuff, sorted into age categories, with good descriptions of the stories. I remembered my sister, two adopted kids from different families - saying how adorable and smart some of these books were.)
Jody Tresidder at May 29, 2008 3:35 PM
Haven't read all of the comments, so I don't know if I'm repeating anybody. Sorry if I am.
I'm adopted and have found my birth family in the past few years. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful relationship with them, but it is a bit confusing to my 5 and 7 year olds. I've explained it to them that my birth mother knew she couldn't take care of me and loved me enough to give me to my parents who couldn't grow a baby of their own but had plenty of love to give.
In this case, a little white lie pseudo-lie would probably work to answer any "why can't we visit" questions. A simple, "I'm not positive where they live" would work. When the child is old enough to start understanding the consequences and nuances of the relationships, more information can be shared.
But I definitely think that one of the best things my parents did with me, even though it went against conventional wisdom at the time, was to never lie to me about being adopted. That's just asking for trouble.
clahna at May 29, 2008 4:13 PM
> Stop thinking you're alone!
Jody, she is...
Crid at May 29, 2008 4:21 PM
Crid,
I meant in the sense of alone-facing-thinking-through-when-and-what-to- tell-a-very-young-adopted-child.
Other people have wrestled with this as well.
Absolutely, I should have been clearer.
(I recall my normally cynical sister (a writer) rather raving about some of these specially targeted books for the very young. Which is why it struck me as at least worth mentioning to LW).
Jody Tresidder at May 29, 2008 4:52 PM
LW, I'm not trying to be abusive. I'm not intending to attack you. I'm blunt. I don't do nuance.
Your question has no "simple" answer, regardless my flippant post earlier. I realize that simply clicking on a web site isn't likely to net you a perfect father for your child.
But that's the only way to get to where you want to go. You can give him plenty of male role models. But the only way to give him a "dad" is to have a man around the house that's kinda attached to you too.
Some transient dude just isn't going to cut it.
And from all available information, he's not likely to fall from the sky and land on the sofa next to you one evening.
Having your son spend time with Grandpa is probably as good a start as you can get.
But the only way you can answer the "why don't I have a daddy" question with anything but the cold, hard, truth? That's not something I can give you.
And I'm sure a 3 year old is not ready to handle "mommy and daddy didn't want you around."
brian at May 29, 2008 5:41 PM
I'm skipping all of the previous commentary because I read this article this morning before going off to work, thought about it, and came up with this:
You tell the kid as much truth as is necessary and can be absorbed. Something like: "You have a mommy and a daddy who made you, but they couldn't take care of you, so you were put up for adoption." (If asked "why," just "they couldn't take care of you." Three year-olds don't need an in-depth story.) Then you go on to say that although you don't have a husband who would be his daddy that there are plenty of men in his life (his uncles) who love and care for him like dads do.
Or, well, you could try finding other single parents and asking what they do when their kid gets stuck in the "why there is no daddy/mommy" phase. Maybe there's some advice there.
Jean Moczy at May 29, 2008 6:40 PM
> some of these specially targeted
> books for the very young.
Absolutely, bring it. I want her to have the best wisdom, and the boy too. But I thought your wording was worth a towel-snap anyway: This woman has obviously had several swigs of the heroic-single-mom malt, and seems a little tipsy. All this spunky, can-do, Mary Tyler Moore enthusiasm isn't going to do shit to get him across town to soccer practice after the working woman comes home exhausted from work, or to get him out of trouble with the neighbors following teen shenanigans a few years later. For those things, an actual companion would be better. A loving father would be almost perfect.
But it's very early in the day to start thinking about all the ways a little boy should feel gratitude. For many people, that stuff doesn't happen until middle age.
Crid at May 29, 2008 6:40 PM
I think it would be very helpful to team up with other single parents whose values you share -- to have the kind of backup Crid is talking about, and even to consider (very carefully) sharing a house with maybe one or two other parents so you have backup. Again, this must be done VERY carefully, like you're marrying somebody, because the impact here is much more serious than on another adult.
Amy Alkon at May 29, 2008 6:46 PM
Amy- bad Idea! Existing wives are protective.
Eric at May 29, 2008 6:53 PM
PS- I mean in other relationships.
Existing mothers are not a solution.
LW-- This doesn't have to be decided tonight or even this week.
Eric at May 29, 2008 6:56 PM
When I first told some of my single friends that I was going to adopt, they told me I was making a mistake. They said that I would no longer be able to travel like I had previously and that I could forget about having a regular dating life. I already knew the traveling would have to be curtailed. I missed going to different states for music festivals with my friends. I missed our Thursday night dinners out and going to plays and concerts. They stopped calling me as much to ask me to go places with them or to say, ROAD TRIP!. I would hear about the trips after they returned. I still went to local music festivals but I took my baby with me and was home by the time I would been have going out to them with my friends previously.
However, I thought that it would not really make a difference with dating because if a man was really a decent guy, having a child would not change anything. I was wrong. Even decent men do not understand when you tell them, " I know I was suppose to go to the John Maher concert with you TONIGHT but my baby has a fever and I don't want to just leave him with a babysitter. I would not be able to enjoy the concert anyway knowing he is sick."
But Brian, I have not lost hope that I can still meet a good man the normal way. It will just take longer and more patience and understanding on the man's part.
LW at May 29, 2008 7:05 PM
Anybody who thinks being a single mom has anything to do with getting tipsy from having "several swigs of the heroic-single-mom malt" needs to totally get drunk on reality. I am not complaining about being a single mom because I made this choice. However, I seriously doubt there are any single moms out there thinking they are heros because they are single moms. You have to be kidding.
LW at May 29, 2008 7:25 PM
LW - first, you are going to find a great many men who will pass you by because you have a child. It is simply the reality you are in. Most men are not looking for insta-family. Sorry.
Second, I have met several single mothers who think that they deserve some sort of medal because they did the nasty with some random dude who was totally not into being responsible. That is unfortunately the brush with which you are finding yourself painted.
It sucks, but you're being judged based upon the irresponsibility and selfishness of the typical intentional single mother.
brian at May 29, 2008 8:13 PM
Crid, to answer your earlier point: Yes, newborns of any color typically have no problems finding homes - though one of the bloggers I read was able to get most of the cost of her adoption subsidized because she was willing to adopt a black child in the Midwest - but there is not a great demand, to say the least, for one-year-olds who have been physically and emotionally abused by their drug-addict parents. Such children are 100% likely to have non-insignificant issues. The supply of ANY parents out there willing to adopt them is going to be low, and not all of those parents have any idea what they're getting themselves in for.
In many ways, this kid is actually very lucky. The more common outcome here is for the state to remove the kid after the parents beat/neglect him particularly badly and for the kid to languish in foster care as his progenitors fight for their "rights," with termination of those rights occurring when the kid is, oh, six or seven and bearing the emotional burdens from a life in foster care. We all understand your point that a two-parent, male-female household is the best possible situation for a kid. But the supply of stable, two-parent, male-female households willing, eager, and prepared to adopt and raise a non-newborn abused child of drug addicts is outstripped by the demand for such parents. The more realistic (and common) alternative for this kid would have been a series of foster homes.
Agree with Amy on seeking to team up with other single parents. You need acquaintances/friends who understand what you're going through, LW. Also, you mentioned about what you plan to do "when he's old enough to understand the concept of adoption." If he's old enough to be asking why he doesn't have a daddy, he's old enough to be told that he grew in someone else's tummy, and was born to her and to his first daddy (or whichever term you want to use), but that they couldn't take care of him, and so they looked for someone who wanted a baby and would be a good mommy. Etc. He may not get all of that, but eventually some of it will sink in. There are other three-year-olds out there who know that they have a "first mommy" in whose bellies they grew who is separate from the person who tucks them in at night. I also second the suggestion to get the kid into counseling - not because he doesn't have a father, but because he was seriously abused for one-third of his life. Hell, counseling did a lot of good for me as a kid, and I was not in the least abused or insecure - I just felt as though I didn't fit into the world. Counseling helped me make sense of things. I think it would help him too.
Look, this is a sucky situation. I'm sorry that you have to go through it - not sorry that you have your son, but sorry that both you and he have to experience this pain as the result of carelessness of others. This child is lucky to have you, and you're lucky to have him. One thing I will say - and I apologize if this sounds insensitive - is that, whatever other issues your son may have dealt with, it sounds as though he's a fairly perceptive little tyke. He already understands the concept of "daddy" and understands that the fact that he doesn't have one is odd. Yes, children without fathers around realize that *eventually*, but many three-year-olds still see the world as a rather confusing place with inexplicable rules and norms. I know it's hard to have him "looking for his daddy" now, but I think his analytical skills are going to serve him - and you - well over the long run. I know, I know - that's not much comfort NOW. I predict, though, that it will come in handy as he gets older and comes to terms with his origins.
marion at May 29, 2008 8:41 PM
Brian, I have experienced what you are saying about being judged based upon the irresponsibility of some single moms. Also, I know there are guys out there who will pass me by because I have a child, but I always assumed those guys would just never bother asking me out - but I was wrong.
About two months ago I went out with a guy - first date. We had already gotten to know each other a little for about two weeks. He seemed to be wonderful. The next day he called me and told me he had a great time and wanted to see me again. Later that day he sent me a picture message - of his erect penis. I did not know how to respond so I did not respond. He called the next day and went off on me for not taking care of his needs. He blamed it on my son. Said he had a problem with not being first on my priority list because my son was there. He also went off on me for "getting knocked up by a guy who was probably a drug dealer and a deadbeat dad anyway." I did not try to correct him, but hung up on him instead.
I am sure I will encounter more men like that, but is that any different from dating normally. I was probably going to date some frogs before meeting a prince even before adopting.
LW at May 29, 2008 8:42 PM
uhm... yeah.
How old was this guy, 13? I mean, that whole pee-mail thing is what the 13-year-olds do on XBox Live Vision (camera for game system) when they lose.
I think you did the right thing by walking away from that. Any guy that feels he has a right to badger you like that and mail you a dick pic is probably not worth his weight in shit.
Your suitor was obviously not mature enough to know his limitations. Some guys are able to be second to a kid, some aren't. And your primary job for the next many years is that kid. Any guy who cannot adapt to that reality ought to be mature enough to walk away before anyone gets hurt.
brian at May 29, 2008 9:05 PM
So we are in agreement that his chance of getting a "daddy" of his own is going to take a while.
Marion, I did not feel any of your advice was insensitive and it was well received. I have often been told that he has the deductive reasoning of an adult. It is scary at times. The other day I thanking my brother for including him in the things he does with his son because I was hoping that if he kept it up maybe my baby would stop asking about his "daddy". I spelled the word "daddy" because I was hoping to avoid another question answer session but my son still knew what I was talking about.
I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who tried to help. I promise I will take it all into consideration in an attempt to be more prepared to answer him.
LW at May 29, 2008 9:40 PM
>He already understands the concept of "daddy"
>and understands that the fact that he doesn't
>have one is odd. Yes, children without fathers
>around realize that *eventually*, but many three
>year-olds still see the world as a rather
>confusing place with inexplicable rules and
>norms.
Not SO odd--I think it's a very primal thing. I came in contact with a woman who had a baby on her own, no daddy. Her son was under 2 years old at that time--too young to articulate with words anything about any "daddy". But he immediately was drawn to a nearby man (a stranger), and squirmed in his mother's arms to try to get to him. The mom said that the boy had a strong desire for male attention, and would do that when he saw men. The incident was years ago, but stuck with me, because previously I'd have thought that kind of thing was beyond a kid's ability to articulate or understand. Yet to the contrary, it was REALLY important to even a child this young--too young, I thought, to understand what he didn't have.
Quizzical at May 30, 2008 7:07 AM
I have always tried to have strong male influences in his life thinking that would be enough.
Before moving here I named a really nice couple with three kids, two daughters and a son, as his god-family. There was a nice service in my church and everything. Some of the men in the church would take him out and do things with him and some of the moms would take him shopping or go shopping for him. The kids treated him like a little brother. Of course his favorite was his god-family which is why I chose them. He seemed to have a connection for this family from the beginning.
Brian, there were no single men in this church over 21 and under 60. Wait, there was one. We did go out about a year before I got my baby. He was holding onto so much anger from his own childhood that I could not deal. I told him that he needed counseling. This strange thing is this man wanted a child and was one of those who dated women with children or women around childbearing age. But he did not like his parents and would do stupid stuff just to get at them. He said they neglected him badly during his childhood. Strangely enough, when I adopted, he tried to date me again and tried to get close to my baby at church. It got to the point that I had lookouts so I could get away before he saw me.
LW at May 30, 2008 8:13 AM
LW, sorry if this sounds stupid/obvious, but your best bet in terms of dating is probably single dads, especially those who wish they saw more of their kids and got to have a bigger parenting role. I think it would be good for you to reach out to other single parents in general, as Amy suggested, but the typical single dad is probably going to be grateful to be dating someone who doesn't freak out when he has to cancel an outing to a concert because his kid has a high fever. Also, though this isn't the most delicate reality, the fact that you're a single parent through adoption rather than a single parent with an ex in the picture would probably make you more appealing to single dads than the "typical" single mom would be.
Quizzical, I know that very young children often feel the lack of male (or female) attention and seek it out. However, what struck me here was that this three-year-old was going beyond that - despite not having been informed (presumably) that children typically have mommies and daddies, he figured out on his own about the concept of daddyhood and that he "should" have a daddy around. Again - makes life harder in the short run but probably easier in the long run. One day this child is going to have to sort through a lot of painful stuff about his birth parents. His analytical abilities should help him realize that, whatever they may tell him, they weren't oppressed rebels.
marion at May 30, 2008 8:53 AM
I was just sitting here thinking about how this went from how to deal with my son's questions about "daddy" to how to catch a man to be my son's daddy. It is TOO funny. I guess this is a sign of how hard it will be to answer his questions without causing damage.
Sure it would be nice if he had a daddy. Sure I would love to date more but I am still not convinced I want to be overly active in looking for a man. I never had to go out and and actively look for them before and I am not sure I would be comfortable doing it now. Now if I looked I will appear like a desperate woman looking for a baby's daddy. Desperation is not attractive.
LW at May 30, 2008 9:24 AM
LW: Your son may be trying to figure out, among other things, how his social world works. It may help to introduce him to other kinds of families that also don't conform: families with no mothers, with no fathers, kids raised by grandparents, etc., so he doesn't feel like an anomaly.
Whether it was right or wrong for you to adopt is a moot point. You have adopted, he is your son now, and you have a job ahead of you that, frankly, I don't envy. Would it be ideal if all kids were born to loving, supportive two-parent families who were financially and emotionally ready to raise a child? Sure. But as long as sperm and eggs don't care about ethics, losers will breed, and other people will have to care for the children created. Sometimes the best we can do is make things better rather than ideal.
When my parents told me I was adopted (I was adopted out of foster care when I was 3), they told me from the very beginning and were very casual about it. The fact that they didn't seem to see it as Big Deal(TM) helped me put it into healthy perspective. I hope that helps.
Monica at May 30, 2008 9:39 AM
It does seem to be a touchy subject at times. I don't want to deliberately deceive anyone, especially him. But even I have problems with what to say when people tell me that he looks just like me or that he looks like one of my family members. Then I wonder if I should just say thank you and leave it alone or if I should explain that is impossible because he was adopted. If I don't explain, am I being deceptive. Now when people say it to him he happily say I look like my mommy, or I look like put name here. But when he is old enough to understand, will it make him wonder who he really looks like.
I joined a parenting group for parents of young children when I first moved here seven month ago. They have given lessons on how to teach your children different things and how to talk to them about issues facing them. No where in these lessons has there been a lesson that deal with being an adoptive parent.
LW at May 30, 2008 10:11 AM
LW, I think maybe you're overthinking this. When someone says he looks like you, just say "thank you" - it's an appropriate response. You don't owe anyone an explanation. It's your life and your son's, not everyone else's. You don't have to be an open book to everyone. A little mystery doesn't hurt, and can save you scrutiny from people who do not have that priviledge (of scrutinizing you). (My oldest nephew is adopted, and I've gotta tell you, 99% of the time I forget that fact. He's my nephew. Period. My brother and his wife adopted him when he was almost 2; they divorced when he was, I think, 7 or 8. But they used to keep his adoption papers in the photo album I made for them of the "baby shower" my mom and I threw for them when they brought him home. Which they kept on their coffee table, for anyone to look at, any time. He's 26 now. He's always known, but it's not an issue. He's part of our family.) The less of a big deal you make of it, the easier it will be in the long run, I think.
Flynne at May 30, 2008 10:29 AM
Here are some statistic on child abuse and neglect.
On a typical day, four children in the United States will die as a result of child abuse in the home. Three out of four of these children are under the age of 4. A report of known or suspected child abuse or neglect will be made to the authorities every 10 seconds. However, most people who witness an actual incident of child abuse will not report it.
1,500 children die every year from child abuse and neglect. That is just over 4 fatalities every day.
79% of the children killed are younger than 4.
The rate of child abuse is estimated to be 3 times greater than is reported.
http://www.childhelp.org/resources/learning-center/statistics
By the way, I know a lot of you are wondering why the bios were not arrested. I did talk to someone from DHHS about him when I first got him. I gave them the information I had and they looked them up in the system. She then emailed my information to the bios case worker. I got a call and told her what I knew. All she said was that she would make sure to stop her food stamps and WIC since the child was now in a safe place.
Here is the real catch. DHHS is not connected from state to state. The case worker in the state where the girl was taken said that she could not give me any specifics but that no child living in the home with the bios would be safe whether it is their child or not. She also said that when the little girl was taken she was bruised, malnourished, dehydrated and afraid of her bio parents. In addition, she explained that she was powerless to do anything for a child of these parents living in another state unless she and her records were subpoenaed. She explained that the state would probably not do anything since the child was no longer in the home with them.
I am adding this stuff because everything is not as black and white and ya lto of people in this room seem to think when it comes to child abuse and single parenting. This is why children are sometimes put back into abusive homes and end up dead. Some of you may encounter this situation again.
- Don't assume that the parents were reported and that is the end of it.
- Don't assume that because it has been reported it will be investigated thoroughly.
- Don't assume that the child will not be placed back in home just because they are out of that home at that time.
-Don't assume others saw what was going on so they will report it.
- Don't assume a couple will automatically step up to adopt that abused and neglected child because the child is young.
- Don't assume that all single parents are selfish and irresponsible no matter how they got their child (An irresponsible/selfish moment or moments does not an irresponsible/selfish person make otherwise everyone participating in this forum would be guilty and could easily be labelled irresponsible/selfish and maybe even worse.)
- Don't be so quick to jump in with negativity because you are probably wrong with your assessment, as evidenced here. Everyone assumed I had something to hide, was on the run because the adoption was not quite legal and needed to face up to the authorities but the assumptions were wrong. These kinds of assumptions leads people off on a wild goose chase discussing things that have nothing to do with what is really going on and not helping with the real problem.
People come here sincerely looking for help and a lot of you treat them like crap and try to insert stuff between the lines that does not belong. I am thankful for those here who honestly tried to help.
Amy, I did not mean to appear to be evasive when you emailed me. I seriously thought I was answering your questions. I kept reading over the emails to see what I missed and could not figure it out. I thought I had answered the questions about a males I totally trusted to would spend time with him in the initial email when I told you about my brothers. Then again I felt addressed it in the second email when I told you about moving recently to be near my family and did not really know anyone (yeah I noticed some of your reading missed that too). It never occurred to me that someone might think there was something crooked going on with the adoption. This is where I was wrong to assume because I assumed that anyone reading my correspondence would naturally assume all of the legal details had been taken care of by the lawyers and the court. Please forgive me.
LW at May 30, 2008 11:23 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2008/05/29/sometimes_i_get.html#comment-1552160">comment from LWIt never occurred to me that someone might think there was something crooked going on with the adoption.
Actually, it's just because, like me, people who post here tend to be cranky skeptics. Well, a lot of them, anyway. It doesn't mean, when presented with more information, they won't shift their position. It's just, in the absence of information, they aren't prone to take for granted that everything's okay. And I think that's a good thing.
And you can't always predict what people will wonder about until they wonder. And then it's up to you to reply and show them why they're wrong.
Unlike in England, people in America are too often insulted by the notion that they are called to debate an issue. If you've got the facts, it should just be a matter of course, in my opinion. Not scary. Just something you do to clarify your position and maybe change somebody else's mind.
Amy Alkon at May 30, 2008 11:30 AM
LW, I'm not suggesting that you troll playgrounds for single dads. I am suggesting that you make an extra effort to join groups for single parents, and to see what happens after that. Have you sought out a group for parents of adopted kids, too?
It never occurred to me that someone might think there was something crooked going on with the adoption.
Most people who haven't gone through adoption know little about it past what they've heard through the news and/or seen on TV. I didn't find anything odd about your story, but I know more than the average person about how adoption works, for various reasons. Keep in mind that other people you meet may have similar reactions - they're just less likely to say anything so that you can dispel their erroneous notions.
marion at May 30, 2008 1:27 PM
I have no problem with debate. In fact, I have been told that I am pretty good at it and maybe I should think about law school. I understand that maybe I am a little to close to this situation to debate it will because my objectivity is off.
For the most part I am an optimist and never understand when someone automatically jump to negative conclusions.
LW at May 30, 2008 2:29 PM
LW - you asked a question - what can I do for my son to substitute for having a dad?
There is no answer to this question. There is NOTHING you can do to substitute for a father.
And if you're at all religious you're probably better off with eHarmony than with trying to meet people on Sunday.
brian at May 30, 2008 4:30 PM
> The other day I thanking
> my brother for including
> him in the things he does
> with his son because I was
> hoping that if he kept it
> up maybe my baby would stop
> asking about his "daddy".
My dissastisfaction continues.
First, are you trying to make your brother into the father? If it's OK with him, it's OK with me, but he (presumably) didn't ask for that responsibility, as he apparently has others.
More distressing is the fact that your goal is just to make the kid "stop asking about his 'daddy'". I think the kid is giving you important information about his development when he asks that question. Women, who claim to be (and are often credited as) masters of the interior life, ought not be trying to stop that flow of data from a three-year-old's heart.
And I resent the implication that masculine soulcraft is just a consumer product that you can pick up at a 7/11, or borrow from a family friend. Rather than make up new ways to say that, let me just recall some favorites from days gone by:
[L]oving fatherhood and motherhood and family loving take decades of investment and patience and error correction."
And...
Crid at May 30, 2008 9:08 PM
But women often talk as though it's like seasoning that you can sprinkle over a dull cut of beef... You just need to choose between the black pepper and garlic powder.
And...
Crid at May 30, 2008 9:09 PM
Sexuality is not some magic fairy dust that a Catholic Big Brother in a Tercel can step in and sprinkle around during a kid's 13th year.
There may be others, but I'm too lazy to look them up.
I was pleased to see Marion put it like this:
> Look, this is a sucky
> situation.
I like that "look": It takes the floor and demands that we acknowledge that something's wrong. And all the you-go-girl rhetoric in the world isn't going to make it right.
Crid at May 30, 2008 9:12 PM
Crid, from the beginning you have been one of those who put things between the lines that do not belong. My above post was for you. I did not bother to read all of the garbage you just posted because I started the first one, scrolled down and saw who posted it and decided it would be a waste of time to read as usual. I am writing this because I thought I should be courteous enough to let you know that if you are posting in the hope that I am getting something from your post, don't waste your time because I do not believe you are worth the read.
LW at May 30, 2008 10:12 PM
You owe me no courtesy, but best wishes to the boy.
Crid at May 30, 2008 10:26 PM
There are 111 comments to this so far and I'm not reading thru all of them. But dear god... as the kids say these days - WTF??
Is it paramount that the child have a Daddy? Do you truly mean to say it would be better to have a bad Dad than no Dad at all??
That's the shit line my mother gave me for years while my step-faher abused me. That answer is NOT ACCEPTABLE. So you berate her for adopting a child that would be in a worse position if she hadn't? You don't show the answer you gave to you final letter... but there seems to be an implication - that being that it is a negative thing for a single person to adopt a child. What is happening to your judgement, Amy?
Give it a break. Just tell her to tell the truth - that he has NO DADDY right now. That someday he might have a Daddy. That he is absolutely capable of adjusting to that fact - that he is strong and capable.. and mostly, that the facts are the END OF THE STORY. Once Mom let's the kid know that this issue is a vulnerability, she will have no respite from it as the child grows older. Kids know what hurts. Eliminate it. Now.
Inquiring at May 31, 2008 5:33 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2008/05/29/sometimes_i_get.html#comment-1552727">comment from InquiringSo you berate her for adopting a child that would be in a worse position if she hadn't? You don't show the answer you gave to you final letter... but there seems to be an implication - that being that it is a negative thing for a single person to adopt a child.
The problem is your reading comprehension. I'm in a cafe and they're closing, so I'll have to leave it at that for now. Commenting without reading the comments on this entry is like reviewing a movie without seeing the movie.
Amy Alkon at May 31, 2008 5:42 PM
Well, perhaps you'll comment later (after leaving the cafe, then). I prefer to think that my comment is direct to you vs 111 comments that can be interesting, revealing, imformative... but not you.
Actually, I like you quite a bit. Which is why I keep coming back to your blog. There are times I'm not sure I "get" you entirely - not that that is important. It IS your blog, after all.
Inquiring at May 31, 2008 5:48 PM
Inquiring, I don't like you. You're not too lazy to read the thread, you're too cowardly. And you pretend to have a curious spirit....
(No jokes, eric)
But since you stopped by, let's throw one last punch at the letter writer--
> I am not complaining about
> being a single mom because
> I made this choice
The complaint you presented to Amy was the boy's, not your own. He didn't make any choice at all.
---
And that's all, that's it. I'm through pestering single mothers (lonely women who only want to express some of their God-given compassion in defense of vulnerable children)...
...Until dawn.
Crid at May 31, 2008 6:20 PM
At your chiding, Amy, I've done my best to read thru the 111 comments - and have, to my bias, copied and pasted the LW's comments (and a few others to read) and re-read to more fully understand this topic.
Sorry, but even with all this reading, I come up with the same opinion - just tell her to tell the kid - THERE IS NO DAD. Get over it.
No need for a guilt trip on her. She's certainly expressed herself to the point that no reader here can think there is a duplicitous attitude going on. She seems to be quite genuine in her desire to solve her problem and not cause herself and her child pain.
Why the need to harangue over a "father" image? It is what it is. If men want to resolve themselves from this supposed ... unfair ... arrangement, then I would suggest that men go out and adopt children. But the fact of the matter is, they don't.
Really, it's probably for the best. Let's let men do what men do best - take out the garbage, lift heavy things, and take care of our ... um... needs ... when we have them. Oh, and the oil change, can't forget that. And the doggie walks (with the whole poop-pick-upage-thing). And... heh... just give me time...
Inquiring at May 31, 2008 6:31 PM
I'm not working tomorrow, so I'll see ya in the morning, Crid. =)
Yeah, that's a smiley face.
So sue me.
Inquiring at May 31, 2008 6:35 PM
And by the way, you're making me do the whole "online thang" cuz I'm laughing out loud... Cowardly ... hahahha!!
I've been called many a thing in my life time, but cowardly ain't among them.
Quite funny.
Inquiring at May 31, 2008 6:38 PM
I just said it to piss you off.
Crid at May 31, 2008 8:59 PM
That's not difficult to do, as you've noticed.
And... Good morning.
Having slept on the issue now, I still think what I previously thunk. I'm pretty sure about that. Until I change my mind.
Inquiring at June 1, 2008 7:25 AM
Inq -
Your answer is as much a non-answer to LW as anything else. Hers is a question with no real answer.
How do you tell a three-year-old that his biological parents abandoned him? He knows damn well he has a daddy. Telling him "daddy's a piece of shit" or "no you don't" isn't going to assuage the tyke's problems.
Here's the thing. I DO think it's a mistake for single people to be adopting. I think single parenthood is responsible for a great many ills in our present situation. I'm not a big fan of divorce either.
But in the case of abuse or neglect, single parenthood is less bad than staying with the abuse and neglect. In an ideal world, there wouldn't be this kind of shit. As you've noticed, we hardly live in an ideal world.
The problem, as I see it, is everyone comes from the factory with a built-in method for reproduction. And we have no legally acceptable means for telling someone "you can't use that".
And so we have confused young socialites taking in the misbegotten offspring of miscreants in the hope of making something positive happen. And in the process, severely cramping their opportunities to find a suitable mate of their own.
In the grand scheme of things, maybe relieving the suffering of one person is a sufficient good. But that doesn't mean that it's anywhere near ideal.
brian at June 1, 2008 7:42 AM
Brian -
Okay – so perhaps I was being flippant and unclear. I’ll try to clarify my remarks. If I were in LW’s position, this is how I’d address the situation:
First, the top priorities: not having a Daddy is NOT the end of the world; the child is strong, capable of dealing with the world and the pains that come with living (like the death of a family member or friend, the cat that ran away, the favorite fish that got flushed to the big tank in the sky, and – not having a Daddy).
I would try to see past my own fears for the emotional well-being of the child, realizing that children get their cues on how to behave (in the face of disappointment) from me, The Parent. I would answer the questions about Daddy briefly, truthfully, matter-of-factly and then change the subject.
Where is Daddy? Daddy is in Miami. Go clean your room.
Why doesn’t he come see me? Daddy is not well. Eat your vegetables.
Why this, why that, why the other about Daddy? Because I said so. Now get back in your closet, you’re not allowed to leave until you’re 27.
Mostly, I would try to envision that no matter how big this deal may be now (when the child is still very young) it will be NOTHING compared to the true hell of Teenagedom. When the child knows that he can push the Daddy Button and get an emotional tear-inducing reaction from me --- this is not a good thing. It’s worthy of repeating: not. a. good. thing.
I would try to forgive myself on occasion for not having all the answers. I would console myself by acknowledging that in this crazy, mixed-up, conflicting, fabulous world sometimes the best we can come up with is: “I don’t know,” -- and let the person asking the question, even a child, figure it out for himself. Sometimes it’s good to ponder things.
Inquiring at June 1, 2008 9:25 AM
Aw, quit backtracking, Inqy. I'll always remember you this way:
> - just tell her to tell
> the kid - THERE IS NO DAD.
> Get over it.
To a three year old boy. About an absent central intimacy... Perhaps the central intimacy.
It's good for us to know that that's where your impulses are directed.
(Don't feel too ashamed... As this thread amply demonstrates, you're certainly not alone in this cruelty.)
Crid at June 1, 2008 10:33 AM
Single parents adopting is not a mistake. Brian, I can't remember where I found the information two years later but I did do the legwork. Children adopted by single people are no more likely to get into trouble or having lasting problems than the average child. The deciding factor is not the relationship status of the parent but the age of the child when that person gets them AND what has occurred in the child's past. The older the child the more likely there will be problems whether raised in a two parent home or not.
Also a deciding factor is the parent/parents themselves. If a person is a bad parent, it does not matter if they are married to a good parent or not and it does not matter if a child is adopted or not, there are going to be long lasting effects. If the person is a good parent, even a single one, the child has as much chance to grow up as healthy, happy and well adjusted as anyone else.
The following part did not come from research per se but from observation. Another factor is whether or not the parent/parents plan carefully and has nothing to do with adoption. For instance, money is already put away for his college education I took care of that the minute the adoption papers were signed. If he was college aged now, he could go to college. Yes, college will cost more in the future, but it is earning interest. In addition, more is being put away monthly because I realize that an undergraduate degree will be something like a high school diploma in the future so he will need a graduate degree. Yes, I have a graduate degree.
He also has a tutor. Yes, I know he is only three but he has a tutor who comes in once a week for an hour and tutor him. He loves it when she comes over because preschool is where he goes away from home. She comes to his home.
I also feel he needs culture so we take trips to the zoo so he can learn about the animals, balanced out with trips to the amusement park. We take trips to the museum (i.e. there is a really nice children's museum here, balanced out by trips to the park. We go to visit the conservatory and so on and so forth. He loves it.
There are going to be hurdles but if you are a parent, whether a single one of not, it will not be hurdle free. Any parent who believes that is going into parenthood blind where they are single or married. Yes, we will have unique hurdles but they are hurdles none the less.
Yes he asks about dad, but he is NOT an unhappy, depressed little boy. Yes, I believe it is important to answer his questions which is why I asked. I am sure that once his question is answered to his satisfaction we will move on from this point. It may come up again in later years, if I never marry, and it may not.
Yes, I said IF. I have known lots of single women with more than one child to marry very nice men. A couple of the women I consider friends who's had more than one very short marriage who married men who had never been married and they have been married years happily.
If I never marry, I can live with that but marrying and giving him a father would be ideal. Yes, I always thought I would marry (someday), have 2 kids (hopefully a boy and a girl in that order), we would have two cars, two car garage, five bedroom home w/and office for me since I would work from home until the kids were in high school. I have not given up on marrying because I have a child because I know it can happy. If I did not have a child, someday would not yet be here yet but you know what they say about the best laid plans. After all, I never planned to be a single mom.
Before adopting, I made a list of the pros and cons. There was a long list of cons. Most of my cons were selfish because I knew I would miss my single and carefree life and they had a lot to do with that. On the other hand, I only had one pro. There was a child that needed a loving secure home and I could provide him with that. Yes, there can be a loving secure home even without a father. I know people who grew up in single parent homes and they turned out to be strong, secure individuals with a great sense of self. The pro outweighed the cons because I am not selfish by nature. I was not raised that way.
There were always neighbor kids running in and out of our home. My parents treated them just like us for the most part. People were always spending the night. Friends were always calling my parents mom and dad (not my friends because I hated that ). In the scheme of things I was the more selfish one in the family because I wanted those children to go home to their own parents and eat and sleep at home. But like I said, that was not the nature of my household. Even today, when my siblings introduce someone to my parents, they end up calling them mom/dad and we are grown. My parents have always felt that you never turn a child away and that is the environment in which I was raised.
LW at June 2, 2008 6:50 AM
LW, I for one aplaud you. Take care of that boy and yourself. It sounds like the beginning of a success story to me. I stand by my earlier posts as a possible way to handle this. I hope you find a way that will work for you. God Bless.
PVM at June 2, 2008 8:14 AM
Joining back in late -- but I recall my son at 3 and he was pretty perceptive, like this little guy seems to be. I'd bet he would get the idea of adoption pretty clearly if you just look into some of those books on adoption. Doesn't mean he'll quit looking for his daddy...kids look up to their dad's (& mom's) even if, in the judgement of most reasonable people, they're not the greatest examples of stable, loving parents.
My son was three when his father and I split so there was lots of 'splaining to do. Age appropriate books about divorce, reassurance that he was loved and counselling helped quite a bit.
I don't think telling your boy his parents didn't want him or they were bad would be helpful. Finding a way to say they weren't able and they loved him enough to find him someone who was able should help him understand the living situation. I also agree that talking openly about things rather than making anything taboo or a big deal works a whole lot better. My son is now nine and I'm amazed at how open he continues to be with me -- much more so than I was with my parents, so honesty and not freaking out and over-reacting seems to have worked.
moreta at June 2, 2008 11:10 AM
Someone mentioned roommates earlier in this chat. I have never ever ever been the roommate type. It would literally drive me nuts. Being married to someone and living with that person is one thing but roommates is totally different. Besides, roommates come and go.
There is a little boy that my son plays in the park with whose father offered to "be there" for him. However, I do not even like my son around him. I prefer it when the mother brings the child to the park. My complaints are:
1. He goes on the playground equipment with them smoking a cigar every time. I could smell it from five feet away. He and I have had strong words about this habit as it pertains to the playground area. I do not like for my son to be around smoking anyway, but both my son and his son take meds for asthma. He thinks that because they are outside it is okay to smoke around them. I have seen him lay his hand on my sons head while holding the cigar in that hand. I tend to keep my baby away from the park when he is there. If I see him, I take my son to a different park.
It also angers me that when he finishes he puts his cigar out in the sand and leaves it there. The sand where the kids play, wherever he is standing there.
2. He curses worse than a sailor is said to. Now understand he is standing right there with them, sometimes talking to them. It was like every third word was profane. I have also had a discussion with him about this. Kids are little sponges. I don't use profanity and my family members who use profanity do not do it around the kids. When my son picked up one of those words and was walking around the house saying it in a singsong voice, I did not make a big deal out of it but said, ohhhhhhhhhhh that is a nasty word. Mama does not like that word. Lets find another word to use instead of that one. Now he does not say it because it is a nasty word.
3. He is an enabler. It shows in his sons physical progress. He says that he is his only son so he is extra careful. Well that is his son and his business but he tries to be an enabler to mine. Things that I know my son can do with no problem, he tries to step in, as if I don't what I am doing, and take over to hold his hand so to speak. My son is independent, does not like it, and tells that guy to get his hands off him because he can do it himself. But he kept doing it and telling me I was not being careful enough. I thought his son was physically/mentally handicapped because my sons progress is much more developed than his. This includes his language abilities as well as his physical abilities. The little boy is about six months older than my son.
LW at June 2, 2008 2:53 PM
Aw - come on, Crid. I wouldn't be THAT cruel and use those EXACT words. But I feel that it is much better to just get the truth out there and let the child deal with it.
I think of it like this -- here is a child that I want to protect, among other things like feeling loved and carrying about his way in the world with a healthy ego. I want the child to feel loved, capable of solving problems, capable of living thru dissappointments, etc. My job as a parent is to do my best to ensure that the child thinks he is capable of all that.. and more.
So,
what good could it possibly do to treat the child as tho he is NOT capable of handling the truth? What justice does it do to truly believing in his power as a human being - when you encourage thoughts that he is incapable of coping?
If you believe in the power of a human being to cope and adjust to a situation, then that is how you should proceed to address said situation. Honestly, with compassion and love(certainly), but with a sense of ... this is life - you can deal with it.
I guess we'll just have to agree to disagee on this. I don't see my position as cruel. I see it as empowering.
Inquiring at June 2, 2008 10:43 PM
This is very late - but I think it's worth coming back to point out one thing that was missed:
"Desperation is not attractive."
Don't let the clumsiness of typing messages get in the way this time. LW, based on just that line, I think you'll do OK. I hope you don't have to spend too many hours explaining what you're doing.
Radwaste at August 19, 2008 3:50 PM
The little fellow should be told essentially that his daddy wasn't able to take care of him because he ran into some problems that he had to handle on his own. This allows for truthful elaboration as the boy's mind comes up with more questions, now and as he get older. It allows putting off details that might foster feelings of disrespect for the father or rejection on the part of the boy.
For example:
- "Will my daddy ever come to see me?"
"If he's able to, sweetheart, but we just don't know."
- "Is my daddy in trouble?"
"Yes, but he's doing his best."
- "Can I go help my daddy?"
"No, not yet, honey. You're just a little boy."
Something along these lines. It has to be managed day-by-day. There's no one thing she can say to wrap up the issue.
Poor little fellow.
straightforward and savvy at July 29, 2009 10:04 AM
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