Terms Of Overendearment
Joseph Epstein writes in the Weekly Standard on how parents these days are living in a permanent kindergarden of their own making, and are enslaved to some very short masters -- the "Kindergarchy," also known as their children:
Newspapers stories are beginning to report that, on the job, these people, raised under the Kindergarchy, don't tolerate criticism well, and need lots of praise to buck them up and get them through the day. A friend of mine, who works for a financial consulting firm, tells me that the brightest of the young men and women going into financial work he meets are almost all interested in hedge funds--they want big scores, 20 or so million before they reach 30. They didn't have to wait long for their toys or attention or anything else as children, so why should they wait for the world's prizes as adults?The consequences of so many years of endlessly attentive childrearing in young people can also be witnessed in many among them who act as if certain that they are deserving of the interest of the rest of us; they come off as very knowing. Lots of their conversation turns out to be chiefly about themselves, and much of it feels as if it is formulated to impress some dean of admissions with how very extraordinary they are. Despite all the effort that has been put into shaping these kids, things, somehow, don't seem quite to have worked out. Who would have thought that so much love in the home would result in such far from lovable children? But then, come to think of it, apart from their parents, who would have thought otherwise?
Well, in the words of Vladimir Illych Lenin, who had no children, what is to be done? Not very much, I suspect. When such seismic shifts in the culture as that represented by the rise of Kindergarchy take hold, there isn't much anyone can do but wait for things to work themselves out. My own hope is that the absurdity of current arrangements will in time be felt, and people will gradually realize the foolishness of continuing to lavish so much painstaking attention on their children. When that time comes, children will be allowed to relax, no longer under threat of suffocation by love from their parents, and grow up more on their own. Only then will parents once again be able to live their own lives, free to concentrate on their work, life's adult pleasures, and those responsibilities that fall well outside the prison of the permanent kindergarten they have themselves erected and have been forced to live in as hostages.
Epstein echoes some of what I wrote in this Advice Goddess column, Look Before You Sleep:
The parental "no" has officially joined the ranks of chronically missing items like The Holy Grail, Atlantis, and Britney Spears' underpants.You're supposed to be your kids' mom, not their full-time birthday clown. This means meeting their needs, as opposed to falling prey to their ransom demands; i.e., "Send in the chopper and the cupcakes or I'll scream my lungs out until spring!" If you're keeling over from reading "Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb" 40 times, it's because you didn't say no 39 times. "No" is also the correct response when besieged with requests for a chunky peanut butter sandwich with all the chunkies removed. But, children can be such finicky eaters! Correction: American children can be such finicky eaters, because their parents tend to confuse parenting with working room service at a five-star hotel. In France, on the other hand, the kids' meal is whatever the parents are eating; brains, livers, kidneys and all. And while the kids can pick out bits they don't like, their choice is clear: eat or starve.
Saying no to your kids will not turn them into meth-smoking, liquor store-robbing carjackers. Actually, throwing up a few boundaries might even serve to prevent this -- and less dire but extremely annoying outcomes (just what society needs, another 35-year-old snot who was denied nothing during childhood). Kids need to feel loved and secure -- and that doesn't take hours of mommy-and-me Lego. In fact, psychologist Judith Rich Harris writes that "anthropological data suggest...there may be something a little unnatural about adults playing with children." Anthropologist David F. Lancy notes that, beyond Western society, one "rarely" sees it. Regarding this apparent lack of a parental instinct for parent-child play, Harris writes, "This implies that children do not require play with an adult in order to develop normally."
I know, I know, that's not what The Cult Of The Child tells you -- when its proponents aren't too busy checking Amazon to see whether anybody's published "The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Children." The reality is, your family is better served by a stay-at-home mother than a stay-at-home martyr. Take the advice of the late British pediatrician Donald Winnicott, and avoid trying to be the perfect mother -- micromanaging your little darlings' every move ("Harvard or bust!") -- and just be a "good enough mother." Your kids can entertain themselves -- and will, if you suggest they do. Likewise, forget going for the Good Housekeeping Seal and just resolve to keep the health department from sealing up your house. Your kitchen counters don't need to be operating-room sterile. Just see to it that nothing walks across your lasagna.
See also.
----
Off topic: This was an amazing 48 hours for old-time Los Angeles-area blog readers (meaning, people who've been reading them since Clinton was President). Two miracles could not have been predicted:
1.Nikke Finke ("You can't call me a mere blogger, because I never link anybody!") lends space & eyeballs to another deserving source.
2.Kaus mocks Tony Pierce for being so MSM-y!
Whooda thunkit?
Crid [cridcridatgmail] at July 26, 2008 2:28 AM
"The consequences of so many years of endlessly attentive childrearing in young people can also be witnessed in many among them who act as if certain that they are deserving of the interest of the rest of us..."
Somewhat off-topic: Mr. Epstein, leave the writing profession at once.
Perhaps Mr. Barbarino can give you some tips (Ms. Alkon, I suspect, is too busy).
Radwaste at July 26, 2008 5:24 AM
Drives me batty. There was a book sometime in the last decade "The Slacker Mom" that I didn't read entirely but thought the premise was great. Do not entertain your kids!! Let them entertain themselves, and don't feel like you've got to spend big money. I play games with my kids, sometimes, but mostly I handle all my "mommy work" as we call it, while they play. We have special outings sometimes, but not every day. And lord knows my kids hear the word No. Frequently. Whos tarted this whole Enrich the Child idea anyway? The people who make money off it! Study after study has shown that kids who go straight to kindergarten with no preschool or any other classes do just as well if not better (does not hold for daycare kids). So why don't we let kids BE kids? I think it started out with the huge numbers of kids going to daycare. Their parents needed to feel less guilty (not saying they needed to feel guilty, but they did) so they started in on all the "social opportunities" crap, and enrichment, and then SAHMs got to feeling all guilty that theit kids weren't socilaizing enough, and it snowballed. My kids got in to one of the most intellectually exclusive schools in the city-the sort they test and interview for-with no official preparation or enrichment classes or anything. I let them run wild in our backyard, and read to them a lot. And guess what? All the new research coming out is backing me up! Kids do best with unstructured freeplay. That's how their brains develop. Go me!!! :)
momof3 at July 26, 2008 6:36 AM
Oh yeah, and we decided not to send them to that school. They can do just fine in life going to a good public school, which we are moving to get.
momof3 at July 26, 2008 6:43 AM
We're dealing with this a lot in our workplace. Those of us over 40 who worked our way up from the bottom, paid our dues, learned that promotions come *after* you've stuck your neck out and volunteered to learn something new or help out on someone else's desk, that we're not perfect and know how to respond to correction or criticism even if it leaves us seething, have had to learn to deal with our younger incoming workers who understand none of these things. Our HR department has even sponsored seminars on how to manage these younger workers. (Lots of praise, let them wear cargo pants and flip flops!) Oy.
deja pseu at July 26, 2008 7:23 AM
"All the new research coming out is backing me up! Kids do best with unstructured freeplay."
Absolutely. The company Neurosmith rose quickly by striking fear into parents' hearts that their kids were being left behind other developmentally advanced one year olds. Sylvan learning centers offer schooling over the summer lest they get left behind their peers come the return to school in the fall. Oh my God, I don't want my kid to be a LOSER!!! >>snort
Juliana at July 26, 2008 7:25 AM
Look, frankly, I don't really know what Cathy's problem was with Nikki Finke, and I never cared -- I got to town too late to know and I'm not really interested in Hollywood stuff. Luke just got bumped out of his job at the OC Weekly, and then won an LA Press Club Award for his work the same week. It's a tough economy and good that he's getting some work.
As for Tony Pierce...no fucking excuse. When working for the man compromises who you are, you get out -- or maybe that's who he really is. I was pretty grossed out.
As for the article in Newsweek -- that girl didn't have to pay for college or anything, and had 10 years of private school paid for by mummy and daddy. She isn't exactly starting at zero. But I agree with what she said about all those OTHER privileged kids.
And Rad, you're right. Epstein is a tiresome read, but had some good points. Didn't agree with all of them. It's important for kids to be "securely attached" and that takes loving, not cold and indifferent parents.
As for momof3's comment -- one of my fantastic assistants, a girl named Xenia, was a first generation American, of Korean extraction, and went to Santa Monica College, an excellent school. She got a really good education -- because she wanted a really good education, and went on to Northwestern. And my bookkeeper, come to think of it, came out of there, too. When I was just starting out, I called an accounting prof and asked for her best student. Christina, my bookkeeper and I have been together since I started my column. (I call her "The Velvet Whip" because she duns people so nicely yet so firmly!)
Amy Alkon at July 26, 2008 7:31 AM
Am feeling rebellious: this, appropriately, from Calvin and Hobbes
http://www.gocomics.com/comic_page/explore/122464
Juliana at July 26, 2008 7:35 AM
I did not sent either of my kids to pre-school. They started in Kindergarten. I did not and do not schedule them out the wazzoo. I work with kids just getting out of HS and some in College. These people are hard to work with because they do seem to feel entitled. My girls are not being raised that way and neither was my son. Personal Responsibility is important. Also free time to explore and play and imagine is as well.
Melody at July 26, 2008 8:46 AM
Occasionally someone suggests that certain people should not be allowed to breed. Here's a 60-second humorous sketch with the inimitable Karen Dunbar on that topic - in Glaswegian. I'll translate if anyone asks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR23_8cuPG8
Norman at July 26, 2008 8:58 AM
I loved the "Look Before You Sleep" Article. I do sacrifice so my two kids can go to private school, but I think my favorite "mommy-moment" was when my daughter was in 3rd grade and was assigned some sort of project where she made models of animals out of clay. She spent a couple of hours sitting at the dining room table with me walking by and giving her encouragement and snacks. When she turned it in, however, she was in tears because everyone else's project was "so much better." It could not have been more obvious that the parents had done all the work.
Every teacher at the school stopped me to tell me how proud they were of my daughter that she had down all the work herself, and I explained to her how I wouldn't always be there to do her work and so she needed to know how to do her best.
Kristyle at July 26, 2008 9:01 AM
Echoing Melody and momof3 over here as well. My girls are not of the overly-inflated sense of entitlement camp, even if their father is. I'm working my ass off to beat into their heads through the seat of the their pants that they must take personal responsibility at all times, because I don't have the money that their granny and grandad has that will enable them to live their lives as their father does. Heh. And life in the big city goes on.
Flynne at July 26, 2008 9:02 AM
That's just great, Kristyle. That's how they learn, by doing it themselves. And learning is the point, not having the best looking clay animal. The playing field here was not level. It's the same thing as cheating on a test, even if it isn't seen the same way. Kids learn to be dishonest, and because of this, they don't learn from experience.
Amy Alkon at July 26, 2008 9:53 AM
(offtopic)
> When working for the man
> compromises who you are...
I strongly, strongly doubt that working for the Times changed Tony's politics in any way. His exact words were: “I am asking you all not to blog about this topic until further notified.” As jackbooted thuggery goes, that ain't so bad. There's no reason to think people couldn't blog about it anyway... Or that if they had blogged about it and Tony'd trimmed their posts, that there wouldn't have been a corrective shitstorm anyway, even without Kaus. (Kaus started this, right?)
Lefties often believe their souls are centrist, and are surprised when others don't fall readily in line behind them... After all, there are certain things we all just agree about, right? (I went through a couple rounds of this when I got spammed by Huffpo a couple weeks ago... The spams, inviting me to participate in Huffpo's election coverage without remuneration, always began with a “Hi!”, as if we were old friends who'd been out of touch, instead of the total strangers that we are. I had to call them “motherfuckers” in personal emails before they'd take my name off their mailing lists.)
And in this case, I'm not certain Tony's as wrong as people might think... During the Lewinski constitutional crisis, a lot of people were asking why the President's sex life was any of our business. (I think it that kind of sex in that kind of office was our business, but it's an argument worth having, anyway .) Tony is presumably being consistent.
Furthermore, these are bloggers, and (I think) they're unpaid. If the LA Times “fires” them or disciplines them in any way, they can turn on their home computers and be back on the air through other services within minutes (if not seconds).
Crid [cridcridatgmail] at July 26, 2008 10:13 AM
I have raised 2 bright, well-educated children to successful adulthood. They heard the word "NO" frequently. If they didn't like what was for dinner, they didn't eat. My son refused anything that contained "ingredients". I don't think he ate for 2 years. They did not have cable TV, video games, or a mom who constantly played with them. They had to go outside, find friends, make up cool stuff to do.
Consequences of their childhoods: They are bright, creative and don't expect things to be handed to them with no effort on their part. Daughter didn't buy cable TV for herself until she was 30. She still hardly watches. All in all, I'm very proud of my adults. I wouldn't change anything.
thenecklacelady at July 26, 2008 11:19 AM
Check out this story of high-maintenance parents making life a living hell for their daughters & the counsellors at summer camp:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/26/nyregion/26camp.html?ei=5087&em=&en=add411fef8da74b7&ex=1217217
Some of these people are beyond parody.
Martin
at July 26, 2008 11:28 AM
Martin, I think I hurt myself with that article you shared. It started with ROFL, then it progressed to trying to gouge my eyes out and smashing my head into the wall. We've just witnessed the exponential progression of the loss of valid parenting skills. Can you imagine when these kids have children of their own?
Holy hell.
Juliana at July 26, 2008 1:34 PM
Necklace Lady - I envy you your children's run-around-outside youth. I live in a city. On a busy street. Just not possible for anyone on the block to send our litle ones outside on their own. That said, I do everything to engage them and everything to step back as often as possible. Mostly I try to say "You must be so proud of yourself," rather than "I'm so proud of you." I want them to grow up taking pride in their own accomplishments (and efforts) rather than needing the approval of others. That respect will come to them if I do my job and raise children who know how to figure out things for themselves and strive to feel good about themselves for their own sake.
JulieA at July 26, 2008 3:05 PM
I try not to imagine that, Juliana.
Martin at July 27, 2008 3:44 PM
Leave a comment