Why "Nice" Kids Are Getting Hooked On Smack
Michele Catalano, on PJM, has an idea or two. First she writes about what seems to be a growing availability of heroin amongst the "good" kids: honor student/cheerleader types. To figure out why, Catalano writes that we should step back to the early 90s, which is when she pinpoints the beginning of parenting becoming "almost a competitive sport":
Never before had a generation of children had so much of their days laid out for them. From infant swim classes to Gymboree, these kids hadn't even yet learned to crawl and they were being enrolled in activities that could fill their mothers' personal planners for months ahead of time....We used to learn letters in kindergarten; all of a sudden they were labeling your kid as a slow learner if she was five years old and couldn't write an essay on impressionist artists of the 18th century.
The pressure started early and built up, and at the same time these kids were being pushed and scheduled and overwhelmed with homework, [7] the self-esteem movement was in full force. Every child is a [8] precious snowflake. Every child is special and wonderful and everyone is student of the month! . . . Anything that could single one child out for positive attention was eliminated, as that only served to make the other kids feel bad. It was an era of overprotectiveness, as parents and teachers wrapped the kids in safe, warm cocoons, trying to protect them from both physical and mental harm. Playgrounds were renovated to provide the least likely scenario for a child getting even the slightest boo-boo. Some schools had a "no touching" policy for fear children who were brushed up against in the hallway by another child would feel harassed. Every small playground argument resulted in peaceful mediation by peers and administrators.
At the same time these kids were being coddled, cocooned, and raised on false pedestals, they were also being pressured into perfection. The overscheduling that started when they were infants continued into grade school, middle school, and high school. Kids who played sports played multiple sports. Being in the Honor Society or Key Club wasn't enough. You had to be in several clubs. You had to do more than the neighbor's kid. You had to do more than everyone. Colleges were becoming increasingly competitive, and kids were being forced to make career choices as early as 7th grade. One or two AP classes weren't enough. Everything academic and extracurricular were focused on one thing: the college application. Parents hovered over their kids, making sure ever project was perfect, every essay was golden. The [12] helicopter parent was born, and these parents had no idea what they were doing to their children.
A friend of mine has a 7-year-old daughter who recently got special call-out from the teacher regarding some clay models of animals she'd made. They were rough and kind of messy -- like they were made by a 7-year-old. All the other kids had much better animals. But, the teacher told her (or her mother, I can't remember) that she could see that the daughter made the animals herself, while all the other parents had a hand in their children's.
Catalano continues:
So here was this generation of kids who were led to believe they were each the most special person on the planet. They were kept from harm, kept from failure, kept from any kind of mental anguish. When these kids hit 16 or 17 years old and life started taking on some emotional dramas, and maybe they started to realize they might not get into the college of their choice, an interesting result of how these kids were raised emerged: they have no coping skills. These kids were never taught how to handle duress. They were not taught what to do when things don't go your way because things always were made to go their way. The pressure their parents put on them to succeed, the normal pressures of applying for college and facing life after high school, together with the realization that they are not special snowflakes and there are thousands of kids just like them out there, all vying for a place in that perfect school, caused a crash and burn for a lot of these kids.Drugs and alcohol are readily available to teenagers. They know where to get them if they want them. There isn't a school out there that doesn't have that sector of kids that provide the action to the others. [13] The statistics show that a good portion of high school seniors will drink and smoke pot. But there are some kids for whom recreational use of beer and pot isn't enough. They don't want to get drunk or high to party. They want something more. They want escape. They want to turn off the helicopter parent voices in their heads and not feel that pressure for a while. And maybe, just maybe, some of them choose heroin -- the most stigmatized of all drugs -- as a subconscious rebellion.
So...do kids want to escape now more than ever? Or is this just a convenient and conveniently compelling explanation?
I'm not sure if she's right about the reason suburbia is turning into smack-burbia (and is it really turning into smackburbia?), but I'm with her on the way kids are both pushed and coddled, and the fact that it's a problem. Once again, here's an excerpt from my column on that, Look Before You Sleep:
You're supposed to be your kids' mom, not their full-time birthday clown. This means meeting their needs, as opposed to falling prey to their ransom demands; i.e., "Send in the chopper and the cupcakes or I'll scream my lungs out until spring!" If you're keeling over from reading "Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb" 40 times, it's because you didn't say no 39 times. "No" is also the correct response when besieged with requests for a chunky peanut butter sandwich with all the chunkies removed. But, children can be such finicky eaters! Correction: American children can be such finicky eaters, because their parents tend to confuse parenting with working room service at a five-star hotel. In France, on the other hand, the kids' meal is whatever the parents are eating; brains, livers, kidneys and all. And while the kids can pick out bits they don't like, their choice is clear: eat or starve.Saying no to your kids will not turn them into meth-smoking, liquor store-robbing carjackers. Actually, throwing up a few boundaries might even serve to prevent this -- and less dire but extremely annoying outcomes (just what society needs, another 35-year-old snot who was denied nothing during childhood).
I think the story of the daughter is great. And may be a great memory for her in years to come.
I clearly remembering my shop teacher giving me an A on my project and I was surprised and it must have shown. He looked at me and asked, "Do you know why I gave you an A?"
"No"
"Your project might not be near as perfect as the other's...but I did 3/4 of the work on them and the only help I gave you was saying 'that ain't gonna work' and yet you made it work."
Banker # at August 14, 2008 2:10 AM
...essay on impressionist artists of the 18th century.
The impressionist movement started in the 19th century. Any 5 year old could tell you that.
Shawn at August 14, 2008 2:51 AM
There's nothing new about this; it's just, perhaps, at an unprecedented level and more openly discussed than ever before. Pot, Coke, Heroin, LSD and Mushrooms were all available when I was in High School in the '70s and, I suspect, long before then. "Reefer Madness" came out in the '30s (!!!) and Heroin was the drug of choice in the Jazz set in the '40s. Everything old is new again.
DaveG at August 14, 2008 5:50 AM
Here's one great thing about my kid having been diagnosed with Aspberger's Syndrome-- he is being taught earrrrrrrrrrrly in life coping mechanisms for handling his emotional stress that I didn't learn until I was... er, 28? The kid has some severe meltdowns now, sure, but he is already learning to take deep breaths when he's angry, etc., and I can envision his future being a lot smoother than some of these poor kids who are never taught to handle their own emotions.
Melissa G at August 14, 2008 6:40 AM
Wow I saw that shit in high school over 10 years ago, on Long Island. Pot and booze were the drug of choice but if you wanted something stronger it was there. As I was still around for a year before college I got wind of heavier stuff becoming more common. Meth never took off but coke and Heroin were becoming popular.
vlad at August 14, 2008 6:41 AM
Another good reason why kids are getting hooked is they are given excuses for failure. Sorry I am going to piss off people here (probably Amy, too). People say my kid has.. ADD, Aspbergers, some other disorder. So he suffers and will not do very well in life so he should not try.
Yet we can not forget the other less know disorders like
-- birth pigment abundance problem (born black) -- lower economic strata placement disorder aka born middle class or lower class.
-- reverse egomania aka the whole world is against me
Know some of these things make lives hard for people. But the thing is people need to learn to overcome it should not an excuse. I hear stories of people with real hardships who overcame and prospered.
One black commentator was talking about how some African-American citizens were always complaining about how the MAN is always keeping them down. Then says he got his eyes open with a TAXI ride. He met a straight from African black man who was new to the country. Had little money making it driving taxi and in his spare time studying to become an Engineer. He was talking about how great the US was and what he was going to do. Same skin tone as the other whiners but a winner because of attitude.
sorry if my comment is disjointed!
John Paulson at August 14, 2008 7:06 AM
I'm enjoying these columns on kids. They put into words things I've been noticing and suspecting, but haven't found the words to express. My ex b-i-l and s-i-l raised their kid exactly this way. He did not walk until he was 2 (he was carried everywhere by mommee) and was not toilet trained until he was four ("he'll tell us when he's ready."). At five, he determined not only what he ate for dinner, but when the entire family ate dinner. He determined where his parents went on vacation. He was allowed to tell house guests to "shut up" when they were chatting with his parents. (I was that houseguest. I told him that saying that was rude and disrespectful. His mother piped up, "OPh, yes. You don't speak to her int hat way. You tell her to be quiet, not to shut up.") I am not exaggerating in the slightest on any of these points. I lost track of the kid after the divorce, but he should be about 14 now and I hope he's giving his parents hell!
Monica at August 14, 2008 7:16 AM
This reminds me of a 2nd Grade Art and Science fair. My daughter made a clay sculpture of a painted turtle, hand painted and sculpted by HER. One child had a small engine he had "built" and could start up. hmmmm....at 8? I'm sure.
It was so frustrating, you could tell just by walking around and seeing the parents hovering who's Art and Science fair it really was for some parents!!
Kari at August 14, 2008 7:18 AM
John, I've often thought that the difference between poor people first arriving in the U.S. and people whose family has been poor for generations in the U.S. is HOPE.
Monica at August 14, 2008 7:20 AM
When I was in school (in the 70s), the opposite was true: The majority of kids made their own projects, and the one unfortunate kid who had what is now termed the helicopter parent was made fun of if the parent did the work. Our projects pretty much sucked (nothing like what I saw at my niece and nephew' art fairs), but we did what we could on our own.
Monica at August 14, 2008 7:26 AM
Not only do the parents need to recognize this -- society does.
Someone (I'm sorry I forget who) mentioned this on one of the other threads that parents are under a lot of pressure to conform to that mentality and I've been thinking about it since they said it and think they've got something there. Spank your kid (and we mean spank, not beat) and they call it child abuse and you find yourself being investigated, could have your children removed, could face criminal charges.
And then they wonder why parents can't control their teenagers?
I was strict. I spanked (bare hand one swat to a clothed butt for which they're now suggesting jail time) a grand total of two or three times to disrupt imediately endangering behavior like jumping around on the bus instead of sitting back and once to punish for hitting another kid with a stick. My daughter, growing up, was one of those well-behaved kids that I garnered compliments on. Other parents/teachers/doctors/etc. would compliment me on her behavior then when I said I was strict and didn't put up with any bull would visibly shudder even though my most common punishment was early bed because she hated that and it was therefore effective.
Even back in the 80's, early 90's (she was born in '83) people, even after admiring her behavior because she wasn't a spoiled brat thought I was awful for not catering to her every whim the way they did their kiddies. Teachers would not understand why she didn't belong to a ton of activities (she had basketball in the Y league and guitar lessons and we frequented things like the zoo -- to give the Devil it's due, Denver has a great one -- museums, and street fairs, which seems like plenty if you ask me).
After the temper tantrums tried and failed (and punishment can be as simple as shame really -- when she was 3 and spotted a Cabbage Patch doll dress in a store that she decided she had to have and threw herself down kicking and screaming on the floor and all I did was pick her up and carry her to the bus stop, she was mortified enough to stop and then knowing it wouldn't work didn't try again) she grew out of the toddlerhood into a very nice, well-behaved child and I'd get compliments from the very parents who would give in to their kids, shrug their shoulders when I hinted they shouldn't and say what are you going to do? Be stricter, put your foot down, hello? But they thought I was terrible not to even after complimenting her behavior and asking how I did it. I'd think do you think it's any coincidence, it took a lot of work on my part. Privately, my daughter and I split the credit. She has a mellow, easy-going nature and I didn't put up with bull.
There's a lot of pressure on kids too and to some extent, no matter how strict you are, your kids are going to go out there and see their friends getting away with murder. I think my daughter's generation is having a lot of trouble coping and I think there's a lot of factors going into this.
Mental illness seems to be very rampant. I wish I could say she was an exception but seems a lot of 20-something's are being diagnosed. It's impossible not to watch her not coping and asking what I did wrong, was I too strict? (And, yes, there's that old blame the mother mentality. One commenter on this blog, obviously ignorant on the causes of mental illness, actually blamed me.) But that can't be it because these pampered, spoiled, indulged kids are being diagnosed depressed too and have often made more than one suicide attempt. And most who were spoiled seem to think the world owes them a living. My daughter has a lot of this attitude too and I wonder where the hell she got it because she certainly was raised with exactly the opposite. Certainly, some she had to get just from growing up in a society that sent exactly this message so I think the article writer has some valid points there. When she was 3 and wet her pants at day care, I scolded her for it in the hall as we put on her coat. Just a scolding, not horrible yelling and tongue-lashing, and a counselor heard me and yelled at me (in front of her) for it. What kind of mixed message does it send the kid to witness that? Or to have mom/dad telling you one thing and society saying the opposite?
Mental illness is largely genetic. It's not actually illness but a disorder. But why are so many 20-somethings suffering from it? Maybe it's just more recognized than it used to be, maybe it's partly that we're certainly living in more stressful times than the post-Vietnam 70's I came of age in -- I certainly am glad I'm not young today -- and maybe it's partly environmental.
I don't think anyone knows entirely what's causing the rise in kids' refusing to grow up, for adolescence extending into the late 20's these days. Maybe those extending it that late are still learning to cope because of this social stigma against being a strict parent, because in the 80's and 90's, we, as parents were continually lectured on just the opposite of being strict, that we had to continuously build the kiddies' self-esteem or they'd wind up drug addicted, alcoholic or anorexic and so on.
I know I worried about it simply because it was the message constantly buzzed about, the way the results of that mentality is starting to be talked about now. I did not feel the way to build my daughter's self-esteem was to cater to her every whim but rather teach her pride in who she was as a person. Self-discipline is what will get you that kind of self-pride and self-discipline is not learned without parental discipline preceeding it.
Even now that she has been diagnosed with a mental illness at 25, I am glad that I raised her to be responsible and think before she act, that acts have consequences. She was able to see the consequences of her suicide attempt and it gave her motivation to manage her illness. I am in a weekly support group of people with family members who are mentally ill and the bulk (there's an older woman with a daughter in her 40's) are in their late 40's early 50's with 20-something children that are the mentally ill family member and have young grandchildren under 10 (the oldest, if memory serves, was 7). Some of their children are iller than my daughter, some about the same.
But my daughter has not complicated her illness with drug and alcohol abuse (drugs and alcohol really complicate any existing mental illness big time, not to mention it's self-medicating the symptoms and does not mix well with any meds prescribed) and she is also better -- at least so far -- with some things like trusting me enough to give all social workers, doctors, etc. involved with her care permission to talk to me (this is a real problem for many because their family member doesn't even though they need someone loving looking out for them because they are ill) and she does have enough self-discipline to really work at managing her illness and that is no easy chore. When she has failed (per the recent episode), she hasn't fallen as far (no psychosis, no more suicide attempts) and does seem to motivate herself to work at overcoming. I think I can take some of the credit (not all, again, we share, she has it in her to do the work necessary, after all) for instilling self-discipline and self-discipline is not easy for the mentally ill.
The answers aren't easy but I think it does have to start with individual parents having more common sense and just plain having the balls to stand up to those pressures that tell us to coddle instead of teach discipline and instill values that the child can be proud of displaying (and which will do more, in the long run, to instill self-esteem than indulging ever will). I think articles like this one that are popping up along with the problems of the 20-something generation are an indication that society is changing, must change, but parents have to get smart and see to that change.
T's Grammy at August 14, 2008 7:42 AM
Right, Monica? My mom used to tell me what I tell my girls now: "I already went to school and did my homework. Now it's your turn." Which is not to say I don't help my girls at all; of course I do when they need it, but I pretty much am hands off. #2 had problems with math homework this past year, and I would sit down with her, and read the assignment, and then break it down for her, all the while reminding her that it was her homework, and she wasn't going to learn anything if I did if for her.
Flynne at August 14, 2008 7:43 AM
Y'know, T's Grammy, I think a lot of the coddling comes from parents who saw their parents grow up not well-off, with almost next to nothing to show for it, and were "bound and determined" that their children would have all the things that they didn't have. Problem is, you get more out of something if you have to work for it, you appreciate more, than if it's just handed to you. I knew so many guys I knew in high school who bought their first cars themselves, and kept them up and really took good care of them, and were proud of the work they did on them. Then there were the spoiled brat guys whose parents gave them new cars on their 16th birthdays and then gave them another new one after they got drunk/stoned/whatever and crashed them. It always amazed me, that the parents always gave in to them and didn't make them work for the 2nd car, and then how the parents would absolve their precious boys of any blame. And don't even get me going on what some of the girls got away with! I wonder how many are in therapy now. Probably not enough of them! o_O
Flynne at August 14, 2008 7:59 AM
To clarify my posting. I do believe some people do actually have mental illnesses and do need help.
Yet in this age people everywhere are getting diagnosed with one thing or another. We have gone from the age of few people who be diagnosed with Depression that needed drugs to a time know where if one pharacompany wants to make millions make either an antidepressant or erectile enhancer.
John Paulson at August 14, 2008 8:00 AM
You're right, John. I went to a new doctor last year, and he asked me what medications I'm taking (keep in mind, I'll be 51 years old in November). When I told him none, he looked at me, shook his head, and said "none?". I said, "yeah, none." He said "are you sure?"
Well of course I'm sure! It was like he was amazed I wasn't "on" anything! I don't get that.
Flynne at August 14, 2008 8:10 AM
Sometimes I think my kids are over-scheduled just with Girl Scouts! I don't know how I'd keep up with multiple sports and clubs! To be fair, I ask my kids if they want to do an activity before I sign them up. My oldest (9) does Art Club every year because she loves art and that's the only way they offer it at her school. My youngest (7) tried it one year and didn't like it, so she doesn't do it anymore.
They eat what we eat, when we eat it, because I'm not about to make more than one meal per night. My mom used to have a plaque hanging in the kitchen that said, "This kitchen is not a restaurant. You eat when I'm ready." I wish I had it in my kitchen, but that's the way I treat dinnertime.
If my girls need help with something, I will help them, but I don't do it for them. I tell them "You're never going to learn this if I do it for you."
I've taught them to fight back if they're being bullied. My oldest was being bullied in kindergarten, and the school wouldn't listen to her about it. I told her to kick the bully if he kicked her, or hit him, or shove him, and yell at the top of her lungs for him to stop. (She has amazing lung capacity) Then I went to the principal and told her about what was going on and what I told my daughter to do if it continued. She didn't like it much, but the situation cleared up. I'm not raising victims.
I have a friend with a 9 year old who is the boss of her house. She tells her mother who will babysit her, she tells her mother when she (the mother) can visit friends, and she tells her mother what she'll eat for dinner. I have told my friend repeatedly that she needs to put her foot down and be the parent, but she never does. I shudder to think what kind of teenager this girl will be.
Oh, and I've had people follow me out of Walmart and tell me how good my kids are, too. I tell my kids all the time that I love them, that they're beautiful, and smart, and fun. I think giving your kids something you didn't have when you were a kid doesn't mean you have to coddle them. I've never had a high self esteem, but I'm doing everything I can so that my girls do. Everything short of living their lives for them. That's their job.
Sandy at August 14, 2008 9:26 AM
As a middle school teacher at a private school, I can give you horror stories about kids coddled by their parents. The girls usually do okay socially, though problems arise when more than one wants to be the queen bee. However, it's the boys who really suffer. Every year I have one or two weird little mamas' boys who are shunned by their peers. It's hard to talk to parents about their boys' issues. The truth is, the other kids don't like them because they're whiny little wieners, but I can't say that to mom. I used to wonder why these boys' dads wouldn't stand up to mom and demand their boys act like young men. Then, after observing the dynamics of parent-teacher meetings, I realized the dads in most of these cases are hen-pecked, completely dominated by their wives. (For the record, I've never had a child who I didn't truly love, though a few have seriously irritated me. I have also never had a parent who I couldn't find a way to get along with. Even the helicopter parents do have a lot of redeeming qualities.)
We had one boy in fifth grade who claimed he couldn't open items like water bottles or ketchup packets by himself. One day when I had lunch duty, I walked up to him and announced that I needed a strong young man to open a bottle of juice for me. He looked at me like I was crazy and said he couldn't, but I just said of course he could. All the other boys were watching, so he tried it for himself and after that he stopped asking for help with dumb things like that. Of course, there were so many other issues to work through...
Despite what some parents think, teachers always know when parents do their kids' projects and homework for them. Our third graders build castles every year. It's so sad when a kid looks at all the fancy castles the other kids' mothers built and feels bad about the castle he made himself. That's one reason I don't assign a lot of projects for my students. Another thing that aggravates me to no end is the parents who do their kids' homework for them. Why are they paying tuition at a private school if they don't seem to care whether their kids actually learn? We don't give a lot of homework at our school, but I have some kids who purposely waste time in class so that they can take home their work to get their parents to help them with it. If they really need help, they can ask me in class, but they don't want help; they want someone to do it for them. I had one boy who would turn in papers with his mom's writing on them where she had crossed out or erased something and written something else in its place. ARGH! That's why I weight tests and quizzes very high in proportion to daily work.
Brandyjane at August 14, 2008 10:37 AM
Oh, and I've had people follow me out of Walmart and tell me how good my kids are, too
I make a point of doing this. I truly appreciate people who do what it takes to give their kids boundaries and to teach them how to behave.
Brandyjane, you sound wise and insightful. I only hope there are many more like you.
Oh, and the mom's writing on the kid's papers -- especially awful.
Amy Alkon at August 14, 2008 10:46 AM
You know they have dug up ancient Sumerian Cuneiform tablets containing rants from old people about how the young kids of their day are no good spoiled brats who don't show respect.
That was circa 3000BC.
Either kids have been getting more and more spoiled for 5000 years or - more likely - old people are consistently self-deluded regarding how stupid, spoiled, and lazy they themselves were as children.
libarbarian at August 14, 2008 11:01 AM
Well, consider that most women are on at least one brain drug, and most people over 50 are being fed blood pressure, cholesterol, and heart pills.
Most of which are completely unnecessary.
But you can understand the physician's shock - you're a normal person that doesn't need a fist full of psychtropics to get through the day!
brian at August 14, 2008 11:11 AM
Thanks, Brian, but I'm not so sure I qualify as "normal"! o_O
Flynne at August 14, 2008 11:24 AM
>> You know they have dug up ancient Sumerian Cuneiform tablets containing rants...
There is also a document from Aristotle complaining about a disruptive student who ignored his studies and didn't apply himself. The student was Alexander the Great.
Eric at August 14, 2008 11:28 AM
There is also a document from Aristotle complaining about a disruptive student who ignored his studies and didn't apply himself. The student was Alexander the Great.
And remember, both Socrates and Aristotle were part of their "hooked on hemlock" generations:)
Jody Tresidder at August 14, 2008 11:37 AM
No, kids have been getting more and more spoiled. For example, in my youth we all had jobs. Almost every intern I interview is getting a first job at age 20. I have to explain to them why they can't wear pajamas to work. I have to give personal administration classes because they don't polish their shoes, press their clothes, and wash their hair every day. The women can't understand why they can't were shower shoes at my client's offices. The men can't understand why they have to shave every day. All of them can't understand why I don't negotiate deadlines, after all their parents and professors do.
Believe me. Things are different.
Who said, "I am not young enough to know everything?"
Jeff at August 14, 2008 12:56 PM
If you don't think today's youth are different from the previous generation, read this from CBS News.
Jeff at August 14, 2008 1:08 PM
Repost: I mangled the link.
If you don't think today's youth are different from the previous generation, read this from CBS News.
Jeff at August 14, 2008 1:09 PM
Brandyjane, I hope you make it a point to tell the parents how much you appreciate when the student does their own work. That may sound a bit dumb, but I had REALLY bad parents myself and I'm trying to make up for it with my own children, but it's sometimes hard to know what those "unspoken" rules are. My kids also go to private school and I would never do my kids' projects for them and the first time it was obvious that my daughter had done hers herself and all the other kids' parents had helped (i.e. done the whole thing) she was in tears. I gave her the normal pep talk about having to learn to do things for herself, but I gotta admit I was really in doubt about whether I had failed some "mommy-test." I was lucky, though, that some of the teachers stopped me to tell me how great it was that she had done it on her own.
I've got a lot more experience and confidence now, but at the time I thought I might have ruined her life forever because I refused to do her homework for her (ha!)
Kristyle at August 14, 2008 1:32 PM
No, kids have been getting more and more spoiled. For example, in my youth we all had jobs. Almost every intern I interview is getting a first job at age 20.
I think you may be completely misjudging how much the environment has changed since you a kid.
College is more competitive than ever. Let state this clearly - getting into a good school is harder now than ever before and seriously harder than it was 20+ years ago. This is for two reasons: 1) more kids applying & 2) more schools offering more academic extracurricular programs.
The effect of #1 is obvious.
#2 matters because, frankly, working the kind of jobs teens used to work in your days is at best a waste of time and at worst downright self-sabotage to anyone who wants to get into a good school. Every hour spent working at McDonalds could be better spent in the "Math Club", "Music Club", or even "Drama Club" to a college-bound student.
libarbarian at August 14, 2008 1:37 PM
One thing that is never accounted for: the generation discussed in the article basically raised themselves.
We are a generation of latch-key children. Our parents sacrificed our childhoods to chase the selfish 70s and 80s lifestyles. Our failures are a direct reflection on the baby boom generation's vast failure of parenting. Who do you think provided the example for the generation following the baby boomers?
One last thought: I hope that your generation is prepared to be dealt with in old age the way that you dealt with mine when we were children. What comes around, goes around, and your generation will reap what it has sown.
NoahC at August 14, 2008 3:29 PM
One thing that hasn't been addressed is that people are having fewer kids. I know Amy thinks it's terrible to have 6 kids, but large families were more the norm a century ago, and when you have that many children, you can't coddle or spoil them so much. Parents had to have more of a military-style approach - you eat at this time, you go to bed at this time, you do as I say. They had to maintain order within a large group, so they couldn't afford to stop and argue or give in to the demands of any one particular child.
I really think that large familes were healthier in many ways. The siblings helped look after each other, and often had deep bonds, rather than today's model of the parent as "best friend".
What we see today are people, on average, having one, two, or maybe three kids (I have two). So, parents focus more intently on those kids, and I think that's why kids have become so much more spoiled. Families have become too child-centered.
There's a psychologist that writes a parenting column. I can't think of his name right now, but when my son was small, I read something he wrote. He said parents should be like the sun, and the children should be the planets orbiting that sun - not the other way around. He urged parents to focus more on their marriages and not let the family become too child-centered. I agree with that, although maybe I focused too much on my marriage, when I should have called it quits, but I still think it's a good parenting model.
lovelysoul at August 14, 2008 3:38 PM
>> He said parents should be like the sun, and the children should be the planets orbiting that sun - not the other way around.
Very cool, very good advice....
Eric at August 14, 2008 4:44 PM
"You tell her to be quiet, not to shut up."
Unbelievable. However, my niece has been raised the same way (she's 16)and she sees herself as an equal to any adult and butts into any conversation she pleases, and has for at least the past six years. I find it tremendously rude and annoying. She's been raised believing that she's 'awesome'(to quote my sister)and no criticism of her is allowed...bad for the self-esteem, you know.
I think the 'everybody's a winner' mentality at school has taken it's toll as well. I was raised to think that 'esteem' of any kind had to be earned, that one's accomplishments counted. After 10 years of self-esteem 'at least you tried' education my niece is failing most of her subjects, is obese, and doesn't really care about either problem. Her mother tells her 'Oh well at least you tried' no matter how bad the grades,and that she's 'beautiful just the way you are, and don't ever let anyone else tell you any different. Anyone who says you're not beautiful is a fool.' What this girl's future will be like, I have no idea. What will any of these kids do when they get out of school and get into the real world, which is competitive, and where people will criticize? Are these kids going to be able to handle a normal work relationship?
crella at August 14, 2008 6:50 PM
The impressionist movement started in the 19th century. Any 5 year old could tell you that.
Yeah...any 5-year-old who so happened to be an impressionist artist.
VIC CARS at August 15, 2008 12:22 AM
My husband thinks I'm strict with his children. While he sits and argues with them over trivial things like going out to play, I usually end it by saying, 'What did your father tell you to do? Go and do it now.'. They know that it's time to listen and they listen. Mealtimes used to be a problem until I adopted the 'eat it or starve' mantra. I've been called every name under the book but I haven't backed down once with them. They seem to respect me more than their father. Of course he downplays it by saying they listen to me only because they don't want me to get angry. I have a 4 month old son and I plan on being exactly the same way with him as I am with his older siblings.
I'm really happy to read columns like Amy's and the responses from the parents here. It helps keep me grounded when I'm up against other parents who coddle their children and think I'm pure evil.
Kendra at August 15, 2008 12:57 AM
Brandyjane, here's one for you - maybe you have a comment or suggestion...
Our oldest goes to a private school. He's basically a bright kid but with a couple of minor behavioral issues that led to him being the target of every bully in a normal school.
If we push him, look over his homework every night, insist he find and fix his mistakes, he does fine. If we stop doing this for a week or two, figuring a 7th grader shouldn't always need such close supervision, his schoolwork goes down the toilet. He starts spelling like a first-grader, makes the most amazingly dumb mistakes in math... Point one out, and he says "oops", and rattles off the correction. But if he knows it, why didn't he write it in the first place??
There must be an underlying issue here. It's not just laziness, though that is part of it. The teachers never seem to comment one way or the other. Certainly they don't seem to be critical of his lapses, nor have they commented on his highly variable results.
Any suggestions how we deal with his teachers? I want them on our side, working to figure out what is going on and how to solve it...
bradley13 at August 15, 2008 5:39 AM
Bradley,
It sounds like you've laid a good foundation, and I like your idea of working with the teachers.
I've never met a teacher who didn't feel overworked. On the other hand, private school teachers tend to be somewhat less burdened, and willing to accept a challenge. Why not just sit down with the teachers, explain the situation, and ask for their help? They spend as much awake time with your son as you do; they may have some insights that will help. The squeaky wheel, and all that.
Gordon at August 15, 2008 7:23 AM
It sounds like he might have ADD and has trouble staying on task, though I think that diagnosis is made too often, so you really need to learn a lot about it first.
I personally feel that our kids have developed much different learning styles than in the past - much faster - and the educational system hasn't kept pace. Our kids multitask so much, starting at an early age, when they're playing with video games, being on the computer, and watching TV, all simultaneously. We begin "stimulating" them so young - with beeping and ringing educational toys and games - that I think they are way overstimulated.
Then, they get into the classroom and are expected to sit and look at a blackboard for hours while some dull teacher drones on and on. It was tough for us, but we weren't used to such rapidfire learning.
That's why I think kids are often diagnosed with ADD when they are, in fact, just bored. He may be gifted and finds the "busy work" homework they give too easy.
If he is having a lot of social problems, like with bullies, he could also have Aspergers, like my son. Aspergers is a high-functioning form of autism.
Without knowing more, it's hard to say, but you're doing the right thing to try to work with the teachers. Get them on your side as much as possible. I always get their e-mail addresses, so I can stay in touch frequently.
lovelysoul at August 15, 2008 7:41 AM
Bradley13, you're right, a seventh grader shouldn't need such close supervision, but a lot of them still do. It is very hard to find the balance between hovering/doing it for them and keeping an inattentive child on task. There's no one right way for parents to help their kids with school work. It all depends on your child. The amount of help one parent gives a child might be smothering, but another student might really need that interaction. It sounds like you're on the right track by recognizing something is wrong and trying to seek out a solution.
I wish I had a great answer that would "cure" the problem, but unfortunately I don't. Every year I have at least one student who sounds like your son - very bright, but won't work up to his potential unless you "make" him. That leads to frustrated parents and kids! Last year a fellow teacher with a son like yours asked me to just make him stay inside during lunch and recess to correct any papers that I felt weren't up to his full potential. He hated that, of course, and to really make it sting, we didn't change his grade afterward. Usually after a day or two of that, he would start taking more time on his work at home, though every few weeks he would be in my class at lunch again.
I'm not a diagnostician, but there might be an underlying issue with your son. I don't know how it works where you are, but in Texas, local school districts have to provide testing for homeschooled and private schooled kids in their districts. You're paying for it in taxes anyway, so you might as well take advantage of it if you think there is an issue.
Brandyjane at August 15, 2008 7:43 AM
Exactly, Flynne, better for their self-esteem too. One of those spoiled rich boys in my high school didn't survive the crash. Much as I don't miss him (he was an obnoxious asshole), I do wonder if his parents learned too late what a disservice they were doing him.
John P, I know. I brought it up because of my personal situation with my daughter. I've felt much like you do about the anti-depressants, etc. and still think they are way overprescribed. I've had experiences like Flynne's (we're roughly the same age, I turn 51 a few months after she does) and there seems to be an attitude that a middle-aged woman needs to be on something. Like fuck! I once had a doctor (who I happened to have an appointment with and thought it all the more important to keep before the insurance got cut off) want to prescribe happy pills because he was the chatty type in his bedside manner (I like to talk so I like that) and I mentioned getting fired the day before. I hated the job, was thinking about quitting (I think they saw it coming in part and pre-empted me) so I was actually happy I got fired (and found a better job the following day). I laughed in his face and said but I'm not even upset, I hated that job. Needless to say, I never went back to him.
That said, I'm talking real -- not imagined -- mental illness. My daughter made a suicide attempt 3/07 and had a bit of a less serious crisis a few months ago. (And I've just found out in group that most mental health patients have a time of year that's tough for them so I'll be alerted every spring. And, contrary to popular opinion, the holiday season triggers less, not more crises, guess it's a happy time of year for the mentally ill too. For most, it's a more common trigger, like the anniversary of some trauma.) These other people's kids I mention have ranged from suicide attempts (more than one) to schizophrenic, utterly delusional.
They need their meds. I learned this per her crises this year. She suddenly decided she didn't want to talk to me and was only at my house telling me this because T wanted to see his Grammy, please arrange a schedule of visitation. Then she started calling his father a homicidal maniac. Okay, a saint he ain't but homicidal maniac he ain't either. I only found out later that she'd gone off her meds.
And I'm finding out from group that's a common tale. Stop taking meds (and who the hell wants to be on these things) and they go into crisis, depending on the individual and the illness, it varies from things like my daughter (she'd also stopped cleaning house) to suicide attempts to utter delusions (things like thinking you're God, for instance) and hallucinations.
I'm grateful hearing others' stories that my daughter's is so mild but, hell, yes, I want her on meds so she can function. I've come to accept she ain't gonna without them. At least not at present. Will she ever be well enough to? She hopes so but I seriously doubt it. Only time will tell and mental illness is tricky. It can take years to get a correct diagnosis and it can take still more to work out a treatment plan (medications and therapies) that work best for the individual patient. It is not a one size fits all disorder.
But do I need to be on meds just because I'm a grumpy old lady who speaks her mind? Hell, no. And anyone, like the idiot doctor mentioned above, who suggests otherwise can stick them up their ass.
Brandyjane, I second Amy's assessment. We need more teachers like you. Don't get discouraged.
Kendra, I can relate. My daughter caves with my grandson. He knows that Grammy is every bit as stubborn as he is and then some. And she sits there and wonders why he respects me and not her. I tell her she has to stop caving in but it's like talking to a rock. And I don't think she totally understands why he misses me so much now that I have moved out even though he's lived with me most of his young life. (He's 4 1/2.)
T's Grammy at August 15, 2008 7:56 AM
T's Grammy said: "But do I need to be on meds just because I'm a grumpy old lady who speaks her mind? Hell, no."
Hell, I think there should be a drug to *induce* someone to be a grumpy old lady who speaks her mind! ;-)
Another GOLWSHM, Monica
Monica at August 15, 2008 8:39 AM
Another GOLWSHM, Monica
What??? I thought you were an autistic ferret! Or is that the other Monica?
(I'm just a GOLWSHM who's confused, as well.)
Flynne at August 15, 2008 8:46 AM
Hey, you guys are missing something, though just slightly.
If you or your friends don't teach the kids how to do things and how things work, then they become victims - either the chronic kind, who can't get a decent job, the "minor" kind, who the car mechanic lies to, or the "major" kind, manipulated into a horrible situation by a vindictive spouse or confidant.
The inability to "cope" is a cumulative pressure, which extends over time from "being bad at math" to difficulty with relationships. After all, how can you be secure in a relationship with a person if you can't figure out what to do with a checkbook, a steak, a ballot or a taxi driver?
You've already alluded to youngsters getting worse as time passes. It's not going to get better just because they reach some age.
You can see that in the Tamika Wilson thread!
Radwaste at August 15, 2008 9:38 AM
LOL, Monica!
But, seriously, the day I'm having I'm beginning to wonder if there's a pill for the full moon syndrome. It's tomorrow and I'm not normally superstitious about it but I've been getting crazy shit all day.
As if to defy what I just posted, this grumpy old lady comes in (dragging a half asleep young lady) in her wake. Only she was bat shit crazy.
I'm the secretary for a building manager of a high-rise office building. Restrooms on each floor. And the ladies' (I wouldn't know about the men's but, yes, if they don't that's discrimination) rooms have horrid vinyl couches you can lie down on. You got it, she's in a snit because the young woman laid down on the one on her floor and she doesn't work on this floor.
I got my boss down pronto. He knows how to pour on the charm big time and handles this kind of thing smoothly. He calmed her down and informed her no, no policy you have to use the one on your floor; young lady made a couple of snippy remarks (don't really blame her myself at this point) and escaped. Boss and I let crazy old lady vent for a while and boss said he couldn't change policy and gave channels she'd have to go through in line of command to get it change.
Sigh. If her big bosses don't laugh in her face (well, politely turn down her request with excuses for not being able to justify it, I mean) crazy bat shit will probably get it closed off but it'll take lots of sqwaking on her part which I get the impression she's more than willing to do. She really was outraged this woman dare use her restroom!
One every summer, I guess. I started last summer and my very first day on the job, some employee in the building was in yelling and threatening my boss (who is pretty damned big and he was a skinny twig) on my first day on the job because my boss, after several warnings that he couldn't park his moped on what's basically the back entrance with a few picnic tables etc., he finally had it towed. To my credit, I didn't bolt. And I'm glad. I like my job. (Needed to remind myself of that today.)
Glad the grandson had already left.
T's Grammy at August 15, 2008 10:39 AM
"The inability to "cope" is a cumulative pressure, which extends over time from "being bad at math" to difficulty with relationships."
Thank you Rad!!! I know a woman who micromanaged everything for her kids and they've all had problems learning to do things for themselves after moving out. Her youngest left the Chicago suburbs for college in Massachussetts. Mumsy managed a Daytimer for daughter long distance, complete with due dates on assignments, quizzes and exams, dentist/ doctor's appointments, prescription refill dates, etc. Called her on exam days so she wouldn't oversleep. This girl is now lucky to find her a$$ with her own two hands.
juliana at August 15, 2008 11:15 AM
We had my son's college orientation a few weeks ago, and a large part of the time was spent telling us parents how to "let go". One of the administrators joked, "You know what we call your generation of parents, don't you?" Helicopter parents - because you hover over your kids. "You know what we call the worst of you?" Black Hawks!...lol
It's certainly true. There were a lot of them there, asking questions that are really the kid's responsibilities. Some couldn't grasp the concept that they don't have access to all their kids records and grades anymore - they are adults now.
My husband and I, despite our problems, had a pretty good attitude towards childrearing. He called it "benign neglect"...meaning we left them alone to do their projects, their homework, cook their own meals a lot of times, etc. We didn't hover. Actually, he probably kept me from hovering as much as I might've because he was like a kid himself and a full-time job.
At any rate, my kids are much more independent than most. My son has been flying airplanes since he was 16, and my daughter is very responsible. You really have to let them take risks and develop responsibility for their own their actions.
lovelysoul at August 15, 2008 12:22 PM
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