The Toxic Waste Of Modern Feminism
A woman in her early 20s just wrote to me, complaining that men care about her looks, and that these horrid louts dare to ask for her picture after making contact with her online (on a dumb site where people use avatars to represent themselves).
She contends that a guy's looks don't matter to her (I don't believe her) and that her looks shouldn't matter to them.
Well, a woman's looks do matter very much to men (obviously), and it seems that men are hard-wired to prefer the qualities and features that advertise that a woman is a healthy, fertile candidate to pass on their genes (youth, clear skin, shiny hair, and an hourglass figure).
Lamenting that is just stupid. Better to try to do the best with what you have, and suss out whether the guy is dating your tits or the whole package. (Hilariously, it seems the woman complaining is rather pretty). As I wrote in a column long ago, "If you want to trap a bear, don't wander off into the woods with a Tupperware container of salad."
Rabid feminists resent & hate sexy women even more than they resent & hate men for chasing after sexy women. That's one thing they have in common with church ladies of all religions.
Muslims take it to insane lengths, of course, but Hasidic & Amish women wouldn't be caught dead in public without being bundled up in shawls, wigs, & bulky dresses to hide their bods. It's not just the men in these cultures that enforce these dress codes. They have a big advantage for women that has nothing to do with religion or modesty. Namely, leveling the playing field. In a female free market, sexy women, or any women that make an effort to look good, have a huge advantage when it comes to catching the men of their choice. Post-modern feminists are using their ideology to negate this advantage, in the same way that ultra-conservative women have been using their religion for thousands of years.
Martin at January 19, 2009 10:13 AM
When I started online dating, it didn't take me long to rule out any female who did not post a picture of herself. Whatever the reason, it was obviously an issue, and why should I spend time on people with at least one problem in their life, when so many others did not start with that disadvantage? Of course, sometimes they were ruled out *because* of the image they posted.
Here's an interesting story. A female friend (call her A) refused to put her picture online because she did not want to be judged on her appearance. One day I was chatting with A in the street when B, one of my earlier online dates, passed and said hello. I had gone out with B a couple of times before deciding it would not work. After a few seconds, B moved on and A said "I could have told you she was not for you." Given that A and B only met for seconds, I can only assume that A's judgement of B was based on appearance, or was at least totally superficial. From this I conclude that all women everywhere are hypocrites who judge each other by appearance.
Norman at January 19, 2009 11:04 AM
a guys looks may not matter to the original writer primarily... what probably matters are words, like the answer to: "are you financially secure?" As if that's any less superficial than basing everything on looks. The sad thing is trying to pretend that a man's interest is somehow wrong, because it is different than a woman's. Different agendas and interests, why is this so hard to accept?
Besides, what Norman says is also quite true, women can be astoundingly cruel to each other about looks, or what they are wearing or whatever. They just act like they are the only ones who can have an interest, and men's interests are somehow wrong.
"I want him to love me for my mind..."
'So you're telling me that what gets you all hot and bothered is his mind, right?'
"well it's not the only thing..."
'quite so, and for him as well. besides you don't have all that lacy stuff for no reason...'
Oddly, I've had that conversation with several different female friends...
Some pretty women seem to revel in their attractiveness, and some seem to feel it's cheating their sisters somehow.
SwissArmyD at January 19, 2009 12:49 PM
Well, a woman's looks do matter very much to men (obviously), and it seems that men are hard-wired to prefer the qualities and features that advertise that a woman is a healthy, fertile candidate to pass on their genes (youth, clear skin, shiny hair, and an hourglass figure).
I've seen this posted elsewhere. Often it is followed by a comment, usually from a woman, along these lines: "Fertility is the last thing on a man's mind when he sees an attractive female! He's not thinking about his genetic inheritance! He's thinking about sex!" - with the implication, as SwissArmyD says, that the man is in the wrong for harbouring lustful thoughts.
Of course the man is thinking about sexual pleasures, not about his genes. That's how genes make us work for them. Why is this not obvious?
Why is this so unacceptable to so many women? You'd have thought that being judged on apparent ability to bear children and be a good mother made most sense for females - at least in the sex/dating/marriage market.
Norman at January 19, 2009 1:24 PM
It's just so dumb. People don't want ugly cars, ugly houses, or ugly dogs, but men are horrible for wanting pretty women? Norman gets it right on the misunderstanding people have about our genetic hard-wiring.
Amy Alkon at January 19, 2009 2:23 PM
I think of the leveling the playing field notion -- the idea that it's even possible -- as affirmative action for less attractive people. It makes as much sense as telling women they shouldn't prefer a guy with a jet to a guy who's sitting outside 7-Eleven begging for change (if it is indeed what's inside that counts).
Amy Alkon at January 19, 2009 2:26 PM
This was probably the best response to this type of issue:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping
at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,
so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She
must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
I personally thought this was hilarious.
wolfboy69 at January 19, 2009 3:21 PM
wolfboy69 - that was the funniest thing I've heard this year.
William (wbhicks@hotmail.com) at January 19, 2009 4:41 PM
tonight? Wolfie you'se going to need a backup plan for such things... very very funneh though. I've heard that emotional argument too, I responded with "and what kind of reaction do you relly think emotional blackmail will get you?" I didn't get any that night either... I got out of that one when I realized that she would always be like that... too bad I wasn't as smart about the next one.
SwissArmyD at January 19, 2009 4:51 PM
"A woman in her early 20s just wrote to me, complaining that men care about her looks,"
There's a couple different points here that need to be addressed. First, she complains "that men (only?) care about her looks." Well, is there anything interesting about her except her looks? And even if she is one of the few young adults who is truly layered and complex, she might find that the men who could actually appreciate it might be, like, totally old, you know, forty or something. Yikes!
Second, I'd wager that she's just as shallow as the men she's judging. Even if a man's appearance is not her primary criterion, I bet she still judges men by qualities like intellect, social status, and personality, which she probably thinks aren't superficial. But she's wrong; she's just as superficial as the men interested in her looks. How? Because none of these other qualities---intellect, status, personality---have anything to do with character.
Tyler at January 19, 2009 5:33 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2009/01/19/the_toxic_waste.html#comment-1621827">comment from William (wbhicks@hotmail.com)wolfboy69...that really happened?
Amy Alkon at January 19, 2009 5:56 PM
No, wolfboy69's story did not really happen. It's just a tall tale that's been making its way around the Internet.
Tyler at January 19, 2009 6:23 PM
A man is simply a sperm cell's way of making more sperm cells.
brian at January 19, 2009 7:33 PM
Correct Tyler......I just thought it was funny as hell and was a pretty accurate reflection of just how feminism has spoiled the majority of young women today. It's all about me in the feminist world.
I would love to do that someday....but then my wife would likely kick my ass.
wolfboy69 at January 19, 2009 7:57 PM
My wife didn't speak English well enough, and I didn't speak Japanese well enough, for our initial attraction to be more than physical. The things extremely cute will motivate me, and probably a whole lot of men, to do are amazing.
Yes, lets get married and move halfway around the world. No, I don't have a job when I get out of the service, but I can find one. Yes, I've got a whopping $800 to my name. No problem. It wasn't.
You've got to bait the hook to catch a fish.
MarkD at January 20, 2009 9:35 AM
"I think of the leveling the playing field notion -- the idea that it's even possible -- as affirmative action for less attractive people."
Umm, of course this has existed for at least six thousand years, in the form of beer.
That's why there are so many Uglo-Americans around. Beer dissolves standards of any kind.
You knew that.
Radwaste at January 20, 2009 2:49 PM
"People don't want ugly cars, ugly houses, or ugly dogs, but men are horrible for wanting pretty women?"
Well, now, you can't have your evolutionary biology both ways. If you buy the "men want tits, women want cash" theory of mating, then yelling at women for being gold-diggers is just as dumb as yelling at a man whose head turns at the sight of a well-formed ass. Fair's fair, eh?
Personally, I don't buy that the woman who wrote to Amy really, really doesn't care about looks. Of course women care about looks. AND penis size. Women in their 20s are often in that weird stage where they're afraid of other people's opinions, so they tell everyone (and themselves) that looks don't matter.
mythago at January 29, 2009 8:32 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2009/01/19/the_toxic_waste.html#comment-1624122">comment from mythagoThe question is, mythago, what the PRIORITY is for women. Some women might go for a good-looking guy, but women's priority is to find a man who is successful. Even women who are successful themselves. And when's the last time you saw me encourage a woman to take in the unemployed lazy guy who has a really good personality?
What women care about is men's height. Symmetry, which is a way we would've known that a person is healthy and parasite-free, is important for both sexes. Looks in general are far, far less relevant for women, and women's sexuality is far less visual than men's. Do you think it's an accident the porn industry skipped women as consumers?
Amy Alkon at January 30, 2009 12:33 AM
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