I think boyfriend-teenage or not-is what he is. No matter how long you've been together, you haven't taken any legal or social steps to make your relationship permanent. It's an arrangement that can be ended at a moment's notice by either party. No need to even move out. Boyfriend. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Oh, I'm right there with you. I've been with my "boyfriend" for nearly 9 years, and we're in our early 40's. I feel like I'm 16 when I refer to him as my boyfriend so I usually just use his name and let people figure it out. 99.9% of the time this works.

He came up with "paramour" once but to me it sounded like I was his mistress or something.

I think overall I'd prefer "mate" to "boyfriend" but since we don't live together that sounds wrong, too.

I'm interested to see what others come up with.

Careful. The most famous "constant" is the speed of light, which can be approached but never reached...

Don't people usually use "partner" in these sorts of situations? The downside, is if you talk about your "partner" when he isn't present, and don't use a gendered pronoun, people might think you are gay. IE "My partner and I went to the beach"... if the listener doesn't know Gregg, the listener doesn't have any way of knowing that it isn't Greggina.

Being offended by BF/GF is mystifying to me.

What's the big friggin deal? If you can't even come up with an acceptable word to describe your relationship then why get so pissy about using BF of GF?

Get over yourselves.

Nobody's "pissy." It just sounds silly. Why are you taking it so hard?

The trouble with "partner" is, as Any mentioned, that the term is also used for a business partner. Miss Mannders relates the story of how a gentleman introduced another man to her as "my partner". She assumed the men were gay until the same gentleman introduced her to his wife.

Some people use fiance/fiancee whether or not they ever plan to get married, which seems like they're somewhat ashamed of themselves and trying to legitimize a relatonship that older family members don't like.

Holy copy editing, Batman.

"Partner" does sound kinda bloodless but seems to be gaining ground as the way adults describe their long-term serious relationships (least around godless gay-afflicted San Franciso). It's very common among both gay and straight couples; even a number of married couples I know use it. I suspect using that word in the social circles you seem to run in would not confuse. "Constant" would.

I highly recommend "consort". I find it has great panache, and is amusing, to boot.

Just an fyi, don't ever pay the way way over-inflated prices for video/audio cables unless you have to (you need the cable right now). The monster brand ones especially. The amazon deal is good but the list price of $20 is a rip off. There are many places online to pick up hdmi cables for 2-6 bucks each.

(I won't name any stores since I don't want the FTC fining me or Amy).

...a rose by any other name....

I don't know on this one. My now husband was in his early 40's when we started dating and I referred to him as my boyfriend, even though I agree it does sound juvenile. I've always liked "my sweetie" and "my guy" too....

"Partner" - the first time I heard that I thought "well, it's generally a bad idea to mix business and sex" until I realized there was no business involved.

Bad word.

The nerd in me likes "mate" because it's how Klingons handle it. But that doesn't work so well for our friends down under.

You could just refer to each other as "my future ex husband/wife" and see the reaction you get.

Otherwise, just go with boyfriend. Age ain't nothing but a number.

Sio - I'll risk hacking off the FTC. This one is all on me, folks. You FTC assholes leave Amy alone.

Get your HDMI cables at bluejeanscable.com

He successfully fought off Monster in a bullshit patent claim they made. Anyone with that kind of balls deserves my money. I've got his HDMI cables for my whole setup, have precisely zero problems.

Amy- I'm getting an amazon order together. I just need to click on the Amazon link on your page to get you the credit?

How about, "my Squeeze-ola?"

No? Could be worse. Years ago, my buddy referred to his wife as "receptacle of my love." In front of her. I about had a coronary from laughing so hard!

If there were a little one, would it be your derivative? Constant sounds too mathematical for me.

Boyfriend. Guy. Significant other if you must be formal.

One reason to announce your relationship is to keep other people from unwittingly committing the faux pas of hitting on your date right in front of your face. (Of course, if they do it knowingly, it means they're insulting you.)

But now that everything's less conventional, we all have to make it up as we go, meaning the terms will proliferate and the etiquette columnists will always have something to write about, over & over.

I did have someone introduce his GF as his lover to me once and I just about sank right through the floor in embarrassment.

FWIW my term depends on the personality of the person. Some people are boyfriends, some are gentlemen friends, if they have a good sense of humor they're paramours, or consorts (sounds like royalty though), or POSSLQs (remember that one??), or PSSSLQ, or a very good friend, a dear friend, or even... just saying "I'd like to introduce my very dear friend Toxic Sludge" in such a way that everyone knows you're mad about him.

I prefer "special gentleman-friend" or "special lady-friend."

It usually makes people chuckle, it's not too much information ("my lover"- ick), but it leaves no doubt as to the romantic nature of the relationship. And it's grandma approved.

No matter what term you use- the most important thing is how you say it. Sappy/girlish attitude? You'll sound annoying no matter what.

The next time I have a boyfriend, I plan to introduce him as the dude, and I'd love to be called his dame. Why be so very serious about something that, in my opinion, is supposed to be fun? In formal situations, just introduce each other by name. People who simply must know the nature of the relationship will either figure it out or break down and ask.

That's where the real fun can start. I look at least 10 years younger than I am and briefly dated a significantly older man. I would always tell people that I was with him for his hot body and he was just after my money.

Sorry, Amy, but describing your bf as your constant conjures up in my mind scenes of a wan Victorian virgin pining away in dark, dreary rooms, waiting for her distant and chaste lover to win battles and return to her, having proven himself worthy of the honor of kising her gloved hand. Which could also be fun, I guess. If you're into that sort of thing.

I am in the awkward position of being married but spending much of my time with another man. My husband is totally non jealous so it works out. I don't wear a wedding ring so I am sure people who meet me and my friend together find it a bit disconcerting. I am sure they also wonder if it is a sexual relationship. To my children I jokingly refer to this man as my BFF. They find this amusing. However in the social situation that Amy is talking about, I would probably use the word "companion" to describe someone you were saving a seat for. Takes the guesswork out of trying to figure out exactly what the relationship is. Isabel

heh, I don't think you have to worry over the FTC Brian, since it's not your blog...

I think you have to use context as your guide, and use lotsa different terms. Life Partner, Mate, Sidekick, Consort is quite fun, "beloved" works in a lot of situations... plust combinations enrich and inform. I never stuck to one term... but yeah something/friend is not very reflective of the depth of most mature relationships...

It's an arrangement that can be ended at a moment's notice by either party.

And that differes from a msarrige how?

My "holeplugger" is too vulgar, and I am glad to you stopped using that.

Once, before we got engaged, I called my boyfriend "my bitch." He called me "his ho."

Fortunately, he we both have a sense of humor about it.

How about:

My Lord / My Lady

Sounds good to me! ;P

Or, how about: "my beloved"?

"gay-afflicted San Francisco" (posted by "Whatever")

..or the threads of conversation that worry that people will think you're GAY. (Oh no!)

When will Americans get over treating sub-groups of its citizenry as outcasts?

Just thought of another one. Significant other (shorted to S.O., if you like). I've used it a lot on message boards, but I think it makes more sense in writing than it sounds out loud.

One message board I post on uses DBF (dear boyfriend) DH (dear husband) etc. I started using it on another board where eventually a bunch of us met, and DBF became my boyfriend's new nickname, which he thought was hysterical (thankfully!).

BB when are you humorless fucks going to get used to the idea that everyone in America is an outcast?

Before my husband and I tied the noose around our necks I would introduce him as 'My Love'. It isn't a TMI name, doesn't sound clinical, and there is no confusion. It also doesn't sound like we are going down to the soda fountain to share a malted.

-Julie

I guess fuckbuddy would be right out.

How about "my steady"? It's still a bit high-schoolish, but it has a similar connotation to "constant" and is more recognizable.

A friend used the term seminal receptacle once -- which struck us all as particularly funny at the time, but obviously totally inappropriate in public.

I know a number of people in LTR's and living together that refer to each other as husband and wife in formal introductions. I think boyfriend works fine if you have to define it. I used to just prefer introduction by name. If they care, people will figure it out watching you.

I once took my boyfriend's best friend to a wedding (my bf was working out of town) and I should have just left it at his name, prompting further questions from those who were intersted enough to ask. Going around and introducing him as my boyfriend's best friend, raised a lot of eyebrows!

I think "companion" is a good choice.

I guess fuckbuddy would be right out.

It would be accurate in 90% of the cases, but TMI for most people. Why I have no idea.

It's a tough call and seems to be situation-dependent.

I generally use 'partner' regardless of the fact that it makes us sounds like a long-term lesbian couple (or so say my lesbian friends who are in long-term relationships).

I hate using boyfriend since it does sound very high-schoolish.

Significant Other or SO is easier typed than said.

I might try 'mate' or 'consort'. I'm enough of a nerd that both sound good to me.

A relative referred to her long-term live-in (now hubby!) as her "spose" - sometimes explaining "we're s'posed to be married but we're not." Amy, you'd appreciate this - when meeting the family of my wife's business contact in France, she followed some bad advice on French slang; she wanted to avoid the formal "husband," and introduced me to the wife & kids not as her "guy" but as her "pimp." ("mec"/"mac?")

I always preferred: " . . . and this is Snake."

no title necessary.

I refer to my wife as my woman, doesn't mean we are married or not ...

@Ann: "One message board I post on uses DBF (dear boyfriend) DH (dear husband) etc."

I dunno. When I see those terms, first things that come to mind are "database file" and "designated hitter," but maybe I ain't been raised right.

One nice thing about the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms, a medieval-reenactment group I've been around for quite a while) is that we can avoid this. In the SCA, the man in a woman's life (boyfriend or husband or just bedroom buddy) is generally referred to as her "lord," while she is his "lady." If further explication is required, it can be had, but if I'm told "Stay away from her---her lord's jealous," I know what I need to know, namely that the man in that woman's life might not like me buzzing around her.

Of course, there's the Ambrose Bierce solution---you'd call him your "master," and he'd call you his "mistress." (As in "Marriage is a state consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making, in all, two.")

Love the pimp in France story! And calling me "my woman" -- I could live with that, although it's not really Greggspeak, which is a sort of old-Detroit-plus-the-pulps-plus-The-Godfather-speak. Hard to describe, but there's use of the word "broad," and in a way I love.

Amy- I'm getting an amazon order together. I just need to click on the Amazon link on your page to get you the credit?

Yep, Eric - and thank you. Just click on the word Amazon on Amy's mall. And sorry - been on deadline, just coming round here now.

I love the concept of "partner" in reference to committed relationships, but yes, it is too ambiguous for introductions. I'm a classical singer and musicians often build close professional partnerships. To me it's never immediately apparent which "partners" are only professional and which are also personally involved. Lots of overlap there. I always seem to assume one thing and the opposite ends up true as I get to know them.

I kind of like "man friend." It's grown up, masculine, fun. But for the woman--"woman friend"? A bit clunky. "Lady friend" sounds old-fashioned. "Female friend," not as bad, rather gracious. Not perfect, but I think those are better terms than boyfriend and girlfriend for mature people.

"gay-afflicted San Francisco" (posted by "Whatever")

..or the threads of conversation that worry that people will think you're GAY. (Oh no!)

yeah, that's me, hatin' on the gays... sheesh. Jump to conclusions much?

First of all, I like the term "hurlworthy".

Second, I'm really squeamish about terms of endearment which are supposed to engender feelings of warmth (or of anything)in a third party. When meeting strangers, all we want is a quick map of the boundaries... Can I peek down her blouse, or not? Can I talk to him about sports & work, or not? These words we choose should be about the courtesy a couple shows to others, not about the tributes of respect which can be collected from them.

This is also a problem with contemporary wedding vows... And marriage, for that matter. People think it's all about individual fulfillment, when mostly it's about staying out of other people's way.

'Cause, y'know, when a man turns me around at a party and says "I wanted to introduce you to my wife", I know exactly how the encounter is supposed to go. There's nothing intrusive or manipulative or titillating or politically correct about it at all... Pure comfort. The right palm is extended to forty-five percent of the space, and we're off: "Ah, so this is the missus! He's told us so much about you...."
_________

The older one gets, the more affection one finds for the 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend.' A dear, widowed uncle in his 80's has a 'girlfriend' from across the street. They do many youthful, playful things together, presumably including things I don't know about. The teenage implications of the term –that they might just recklessly cut it off to take up with others– makes it even sweeter.

Funny, I introduce my business partner as my "partner," which really annoyed his wife, amused friends and confused strangers.

I like "paramour," but usually go with "beau" or "my main squeeze."
-Jut

[Marina wrote:]
That's where the real fun can start. I look at least 10 years younger than I am and briefly dated a significantly older man. I would always tell people that I was with him for his hot body and he was just after my money.

This made me chuckle. Just wanted to share! :)

--------
[Marina wrote:]
Sorry, Amy, but describing your bf as your constant conjures up in my mind scenes of a wan Victorian virgin pining away in dark, dreary rooms, waiting for her distant and chaste lover to win battles and return to her, having proven himself worthy of the honor of kising her gloved hand. Which could also be fun, I guess. If you're into that sort of thing.

I completely agree with this. 'Constant', to my mind, makes me think angsty thoughts. Not something to associate with a partner.

--------
[brian wrote:]
BB when are you humorless fucks going to get used to the idea that everyone in America is an outcast?

Uhm... which humourless fucks are we talking about here? The ones who refuse to accept being discriminated against? The ones who believe that being a minority group is not just cause for putting up with offence?

Sure. Mhm. Let's try pointing the same kind of attitude at blacks or women. Ooh, or how about disabled people?

Just because you may have some kind of complex about how poorly you fit into your own society doesn't mean you have any kind of right to foist your bigotry on others.

Everyone in America is an oucast. But some people are more outcast than others.

--------
[Amy wrote:]
"Partner" sounds like business partner

But also wrote this column, in which she says this:

Beyond all the love hooha, marriage, especially as a child-farming enterprise, is a business partnership.

I just realised I don't so much have a point to make. But I feel I should get points for paying attention...!

"The nerd in me likes "mate" because it's how Klingons handle it. But that doesn't work so well for our friends down under."

HIja'!

""Lady friend" sounds old-fashioned"

I think it mainly sounds wrong simply because most women today are no ladies - they're a notch too feral, and being a lady is considered 'passé'. It's nihilist culture. Correspondingly we call men 'guys' nowadays because they're generally childish enough that calling them 'men' doesn't sound right either ... it's not so much because these terms are "old-fashioned" that we associate them with older generations, just that the 'men' and 'ladies' of yesteryear were different. I think "guy" is a horrible label for a man, as one usually uses it for someone who is too old to be called a boy but too childish to be called a *man* ... it's that weird new "inbetween", "20s is the new teens" "extended adolescence" phase.

I like the term 'partner', as it makes no assumptions, it really just means 'the person who is with you' (like 'YourName and Partner' that you see on invitations); I also like 'SO' if you perhaps know the two people are romantically mutually exclusive.

My hottie likes it when I call him my boytoy, because he's a lot younger than me. Generally we avoid the introductions, and stick with names only, to enhance the mystery. A few of my friends suggested Rent-a-Date, or even just introducing him as some guy I just picked up in a bar that night, just for the reactions.

Actually, since you're a goddess, Gregg can be your god-consort. Sort of like Mary Queen of Scots and her husband, king-consort Henry Stuart, Lord Darnley.

There's already a perfectly good tag for someone in your life who is not your spouse - gentleman friend or lady friend.

It can be used for both hetero or homo sexual relationships and does not require any further clarification. It also is pleasingly vague so those nosy types can't pin one down on future plans.

And if it sounds a little victorian, fine. Those victorians were a little on the rowdy side.

So, what you're looking for is a tag that provides specific details on the nature of the relationship without getting into the status? Something that indicates you're doing the hibidy dibidy but not necessarily married?

[Dorris said:]
So, what you're looking for is a tag that provides specific details on the nature of the relationship without getting into the status? Something that indicates you're doing the hibidy dibidy but not necessarily married?

"F*ck-buddy"?

Oh, damn, sorry. There's an article later on which mentions children. Am I allowed to say that in front of an article which mentions children? What's the guidance on this...?

Noted, Amy. And appreciated. I'm never sure what degree of 'free-speech' people are actually advocating sometimes.

My parents were always very much of the 'it really doesn't phase us' attitude, which means that swearing has very little power in my language. However, that also means that I sometimes do it where other people would prefer I didn't. It just doesn't mean anything to me, generally - as much a filler as, say, 'uhm', but more readily to hand.

Ok. I'll go brush up on my blue vocab!