Great Contra Costa Times Interview About My Book
Jessica Yadegaran, a reporter for the Contra Costa Times who's interviewed me before, did an absolutely super piece on me and my just-published (Nov. 27!) book, I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman's battle to beat some manners into impolite society. An excerpt:
For the book, Alkon studied evolutionary psychology and discovered that our prehistoric brains are not built to be nice to strangers. But it's not an excuse. Neither is technology. Or stress. Mindless, minute acts of rudeness aside, Alkon says we must hold flagrant offenders accountable. Don't be afraid to wag your finger and stand up for the victim.Recently, we chatted with Alkon over the phone (at a volume respectful to our cubicle mates) about empathy, technology, and how to handle famous people who are rude.
Q: You say rudeness has to do with our small-tribe psychology. Can you explain?
A: We live in societies that are too big for our brains. Based on the research by evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, humans can have meaningful interactions with about 150 people. Beyond that, it's difficult to have a connection.When you know people, you behave differently than if you didn't. You couldn't be rude because you'd be voted off the island. So our brains are slow for the times we live in. We're around strangers all the time, but contrast that to living in a small town. If you robbed a bank, your mom would know about it before you took off in the getaway car.
Q: Can you talk about your "Verizon Made Me Do It" theory?
A: People like to blame technology for their rudeness. But it's just a medium. In the hands of a polite person, a cell phone never bothers anyone. Mine is always on vibrate in public places.Q: What do you think is at the root of good manners?
A: Empathy. That feeling that says, 'Am I bothering you?' Unless you stumbled onto a moon crater, chances are you're on Earth, not on the moon, and there are a lot of people who will be bothered by your loud conversation on your cell phone. So think about what you're doing that's offending people or stopping them from sleeping.Q: Does the lead-by-example model still work in modern society?
A: I think that's a little unrealistic. Are you really going to reform some flagrant abuser by being a sweet victim? For most people, who are not mindful in the moment (but act rude), that's a fine solution. Ask them to quiet down or shake your head, and maybe they will get it.Q: And if they don't?
A: That's when I get on my broom. I'm what's called a costly punisher in anthropological terms. I go after people when I see an injustice at cost to me and no benefit to me. I seek to impose punishments on the people who are rude. I'm not going after people who are not mindful or didn't mean to be rude. I'm going after flagrant offenders who don't care about me or you.
More at the link!
Comments
Good interview and nice to see that you make allowances for the non-confrontational.
Q: What if some of us fear confronting strangers? Is there anything else we can do?
A: What you can do is support people like me. Roll your eyes. Shake your head. Give me the support to get on my hind legs and say something. I think we need to treat strangers like neighbors. If you see someone walk into a cafe and see them looking around, they're probably looking for a newspaper. You could say, 'Hey, would you like mine?' A gesture like that takes two seconds of energy. This is how you make the world a better place with almost no effort.
Her question about Joe Wilson struck me as odd. You don't need to confront a rudester who's a public figure. He already has made-to-order public humiliation for his lapses and gaffs.
Posted by: Patrick at November 29, 2009 3:50 AM
Costly punisher, what a great term that is.
I've blogged your book
here's the link
http://beverlyhillsbranche.blogspot.com/2009/11/enough-already-with-tirades-and.html
Posted by: belle de ville at November 30, 2009 9:01 AM
Costly punisher, what a great term that is. I've blogged your book here's the link http://beverlyhillsbranche.blogspot.com/2009/11/enough-already-with-tirades-and.html
Thank you so much!
I left you a comment, and I'm going to Facebook it (although I have to tell everyone, I HATE Facebook, and prefer to be contacted by e-mail!).
Posted by: Amy Alkon 
at November 30, 2009 9:21 AM
Amy Alkon is the first author I've known to appear twice on the A&LD page, both on the Essays and Opinion column and the Nota Bene listing.
Posted by: Crid [CridComment @ gmail] at December 1, 2009 7:52 PM
Say Amy, does your book include anything about the growing practice of party "hosts" trying to charge their guests for this or that or the whole thing? It makes me furious - one reason being that people I know who would probably not do that INCREASINGLY don't see anything wrong with complying with "hosts" who DO.
The reason they shouldn't comply, of course, is that it wears down what little sense of hospitality and reciprocity we have left as a society! Not to mention the need to understand that there's nothing shameful or self-degrading about living within your means - including entertaining. As Miss Manners says, over and over:
"If you can't afford champagne, serve punch. If you can't afford punch, serve water. But serve it graciously."
Please understand that I'm not opposed to potluck - just to mooching. From an advice column nearly 3 years ago:
"(Those) who object to potluck dinners should be aware that there is a difference between a dinner that everyone agrees will be shared -- and one to which guests are invited, only to be asked to
supply the hostess's menu. I agree that the latter is inappropriate."
Posted by: lenona at December 3, 2009 12:06 PM
You e-mailed this to me, lenona - will paste in what I wrote you:
Charge their guests?! I hadn't heard of that. How utterly outrageous. When I give a party (not that I have in recent years), I would never even ask guests to bring a bottle of wine. I understand potluck, and I'm okay with it, but I think a guest's job is to enjoy him or herself, not stock the party. Totally in agreement with you, but no, this is not in my book.
My book is more about inconsideration of various kinds.
Posted by: Amy Alkon
at December 3, 2009 12:24 PM
