I heartily agree. Currently single, but I did try to observe the "special" days.

That said, me ex's never knew when the would come home to flowers, washed and put away clothes, a clean house, or other random acts of caring.

Dunno about that... This is one of those things that means a lot to some women, and trying to influence the meaning they take from it is pointless... They are shamelessly, nakedly, seriously theatrical about it. (My wife explained this to me. The first one, I mean.)

I once overheard a couple of women talking about this, and they agreed that it's like the feminine complement to the Super Bowl ("Honey, there's this one day of the year when I'm going to need some special handling..."). It made a lot of sense.

"and you won't have to buy them overpriced flowers and all the rest on February 14"

But heaven forbid you DON'T. OMFG.

Some things you just don't mess with.

Seems to me that the women who need some special handling on Valentine's Day have bigger problems than a dearth of Teddy bears that say "I Wuv You."

There are many ads on TV about this that infuriate me, but the current focus of my wrath is the one for Wal-Mart with the guy who runs into his wife in their conveniently-set-up Valentine's section and she tells him which perfume she likes. So this dude goes into a store to choose from all the approved-for-Valentine's-Day items and so totally lost that his wife has to tell him what to buy. Actually, I may be with him, because whenever I see those Valentine's sections, I look around and say, "God, I hope nobody buys this crap for me." (Except for the Dove heart-shaped chocolates. Those are welcome any time of year.) This reminds me of a book I once read where a woman had her fiance "trained" to get her biweekly flower bouquets, delivered to her office, no less, because what's the point if no one sees them?. So I am so desperate for a commercially-approved sign of affection from my boyfriend that I tell him what to get and when to get it, and then I can feign surprise when I open it and then show it off to all my friends. Blech.

On the other side of the Valentine's heart, I just finished watching Julie & Julia again, and it has the best Valentine's Day scene I have ever seen in a movie. Paul and Julia Child loved each other and Valentine's Day, but they sent out slightly naughty postcards to their friends and hosted dinner parties. They wanted to celebrate their love with those that they loved, not with meaningless crap. So if you celebrate the day, I think this is the way to do it. Have all your friends over and cook a big meal and revel in your good fortune in love.

And Jim P., I am totally with you on the "random acts of caring." Good on you! Hope you find someone who appreciates it, not like this former advisee of Amy's:
http://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2005/10/mush-to-judgmen.html

> Seems to me that the women who need some
> special handling on Valentine's Day
> have bigger problems

And the men who need to watch a football game on TV? I dunno, dunno....

Hell, I need to watch the Super Bowl, and I'm only a casual football fan. Seriously, I get that. The men who need to watch every single televised game live as they happen, that's another level of obsession. But there's satisfaction in watching a sporting event you care about. Not so much in opening an impersonal, pink, fluffy gift you have received because you browbeat your boyfriend into getting it for you. If I had to choose, I'd rather have a guy who gave me something small because he saw it and thought I'd like it, or because I'd had a bad day and a cupcake from him would make me feel better. I have no use for a man who gives impersonal gifts because it's a holiday and he has to. But then, I'm not a woman who would demand such things because it's a holiday and he has to.

Okay, ambiguous sentence alert. That last one above should read "just because it's a holiday and he has to." Sorry.

Contrived holiday invented by Hallmark, FTD and Russell Stover.

And all three of them can go to hell.

If you are married, you likely celebrate your love on your anniversary. Valentine's day becomes redundent. But married or not, if you are in a serious relationship you can celebrate any darn way you wish.

Absolutely agree you should treat each other well all year and not just on certain days. But even if you do that, it is still nice to recognize and celebrate your relationship each year in a way that is meaningful to the two of you.

I also agree that celebration does not have to include cards or flowers or gifts from establishments that "begin with K". Love is not so much what you are willing to give someone as much as what you are willing to give up for someone by putting their needs ahead of yours all year long in ways large and small. I think O'Henry's wonderful story "The Gift of the Magi" really captures what love is all about. It is not about the gift.

I think Valentine's day is fun. I am going to cook a nice dinner of aphrodisiacs and heart-shaped foods. I'm hoping for some flowers or a box of chocolates, but if it doesn't happen it ain't the end of the world.

The most fun of course is when I was in elementary school. I'd pick out heart-shaped chocolates for my friends, and make lacy valentines for the class. Hearts and flowers and lace... this holiday is FUN.

But then, I love kitschy holidays. Give me a cheesy theme... hearts, pine trees, skeletons, flags... and I'm all over it.

was in elementary school, not is... typo my bad.

Amen Advice Goddess!

Valentine's Day lost its meaning for me long ago. It's so over-done anymore, and some of the women I know who make a such a big deal out of it really don't get it. And why is there a holiday for some old monk who got his head chopped off for helping illicit lovers anyway? These days, I'll get something little for my daughters, and make a nice dinner for all of us. If I get something, fine. If not, fine. I know my kids and my BF love me. They know I love them. Yeah, it's nice to celebrate it on special day, I guess, but it isn't really necessary for me anymore. (Sheesh, I must be gettin' old! I will appreciate a nice bottle of wine, though! After all, it's the thought that counts, right?)

When I started dating that girl who became my wife (15 years now), I made sure on the very first date that she didn't care a bit about those phony holidays like Valentine's day. She said she probably cared even less than I did. Done deal; we wedded a few months later. I love her so much.

There is a local radio station DJ that has a nice twist to this holiday. He claims (and rightly so) that Valentine's day is mostly for women. His response is that he has designated March 14 Steak and BJ day. If a man takes care of his woman on Valentine's day (chocolate, dinner, flowers, candy, etc) she is then supposed to treat him to a properly cooked steak and a BJ on 3/14.

I kinda like that idea...it adds reciprocity to the entire enterprise.

Personally, but the time my husband and I survive 4 months of birthdays (his and mine) Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our Anniversary, we are all gifted out. We will go out to a nice dinner at our favorite place and that will be it. My husband loves me every day. No amount of flowers would make up for it if he didn't (and vise versa).

-Julie

Alrighty, y'all are prolly gonna shoot me for this one, but here goes (in keeping with the Valentine's Day theme):

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And maybe if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.'

o.O

Cmon, folks, lighten up! Heart-shaped stuff! Candy! What's not to like?

My wife and I keep it pretty low-key. She gets mad at me if I blow money on flowers, and she avoids chocolate. We might give each other cards, but that's about it, usually.

...delivered to her office, no less, because what's the point if no one sees them?

You can fret about the irrationality of the female psyche...or you can learn to deal with it.

I send my wife a dozen roses on Valentine's Day.

Is it money wasted? Sure, the money could have been spent on something useful that won't die in a week and leave us stuck with yet another empty vase.

Is it money well spent? Yes. My wife feels loved and appreciated.

And, yes, I send the flowers to her workplace so all the other women in the office can drop by her desk and proclaim how jealous they are.

I think Valentine's Day is what you make it. My husband is awesome - he's always getting me flowers and little things to brighten my days up, and he's very romantic-natured all the time anyway.

For Valentines, we keep it low-key. I want to go out for dinner (it can be BBQ or Arbys, just so long as I ain't cookin'), and then we usually make each other kitschy Valentines. Like I got him a heart-shaped box of chocolates, but re-did the box to look like his fave superhero's costume. This year, I'm going to make him a rabbit Splicer mask from Bioshock.

It's just fun. My big thing is that is one of the few days I don't wanna have to share him with his friends - just some time for the two of us.

well, I dunno 'bout irrational, Conan... but the bottom line is not just showing them you love them in your own way... but also trying to figure out what thing they think of, that makes them feel loved. Naturally it ain't easy, and with some, you can just never tell... but fumbling around trying to figure it out can be endearing.

And for some women, you will just never get it right, but they don't represent all women. I kinda like how the Japanese do it, where the girl gives the boy chocolate on valentines, and then he reciprocates on white day a month later. I think that's why people get a little wrapped up on the holiday. There are plenty of times to do things for ladies... not so much for men. The steak and bj holiday would be fun, and I can guarundamtee that boyo would remember valentines after that...

Really holidays suchlike are an excuse to do something special, if you were already doing something special at various points anyway. Something special that's not random, but may be unexpected, something that serves no other purpose but to make that person feel special. For that reason, I would say cleaning the house doesn't qualify, but painting her toenails might.

What I find interesting is how many women haven't a single clue what to do for a guy, all the while claiming that Valentines is for both. Nor do they want to know, and that is why a guy will end up with nothing, sometimes. "Well, you're not sentimental, anyway..." I've heard that one before, too.

I also told Gregg he never has to buy me diamonds or jewelry.

I've told my husband that if he ever has enough money/inclination to go out and buy me jewelry, that I would much rather we take a vacation with that money. That way we can both enjoy it.

-Julie

Difference between Valentines and the Super Bowl is the men just want to be left alone on that day, whereas "women" apparently insist upon very specific sorts of attention.

I don't know why some people are so stuck on particular dates. It seems to be women more than men - birthdays, anniversaries, V-Day, Mother's Day. All opportunities for guilt and drama. Is this a Venus-Mars thing, or maybe it's how we're wired? Come on, if we accept the now-conventional wisdom that women always go for alpha males while men go for secretaries, can't we find some biological justification for the Valentine's Day issue?

I celebrate my birthday whenever it's convenient, which is almost never right on the day. It's like if someone forgot my birthday it's supposed to be a huge insult, like I don't matter somehow? *I* forget my own birthday half the time. (Then I send myself flowers until I start speaking to myself again.)

>>I wear plastic jewelry, and find diamonds to be ugly, vulgar and a stupid waste...

Yeah, yeah, yeah:)

But I still love this story:
"According to legend, Princess Margaret spotted the 39-carat Krupp diamond on Elizabeth Taylor's finger and exclaimed, "That's the most vulgar thing I've ever seen!". The actress offered to let the stylish royal try on the bauble, one of many dazzling gifts from fifth husband, Richard Burton. Watching the Princess' eyes sparkle as she examined the jewel, the quick-witted star famously quipped: "See? It's not so vulgar now, is it."

(Sorry for the gushy version of this story - there's a saltier alternative somewhere, but I can't find it!)

Do you get this worked up about other holidays?

Parents should provide for their children year round! If they do, there is no reason to buy the kids presents at Christmas!

We should always be patriotic, if we are, there's no need for fireworks and flags on the fourth! Why do we need a special day to show how patriotic we are?

We should eat protein every day! No reason make a fuss about eggs at Easter!

We should always feel comfortable confronting death! No reason to dress up as a ghost on Halloween!

Holidays are supposed to be FUN!!! If your partner is demanding huge rocks at Valentine's day, that says more about your partner than it does about the holiday.

Watching [Princess Margaret's] eyes sparkle as she examined the [heretofore "vulgar"] jewel, the quick-witted star famously quipped: "See? It's not so vulgar now, is it."

But then, Princess Margaret would never have been a Kappa Kappa Gamma.

http://www.amazon.com/Southern-Belle-Primer-Princess-Margaret/dp/0385416679

I don't hate on Valentine's Day.

Local flower shop gets some much-needed business.

Mrs. Snake gets some flowers, which makes her happy.

Win-win.

The difference, NicoleK, is that Christmas is marketed toward the whole family. Valentine's Day (in the commercials and special sales) is marketed toward women, or toward men to give to their women. I fully advocate making it into a fun and silly holiday, as per my Julie & Julia comment above (check out the scene of Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci posing naked in a bathtub for a photo to send to all of their friends). And it is fun for kids to give and receive sweet or silly Valentines. The problem for me is when people (read: women) take it so seriously that it is a major slight if their boyfriends/husbands want to do something simple or silly. Valentine's Day differs from all other holidays in this way. I feel honored if someone wants to give me a gift on Valentine's (or even my birthday), but it is not a demand I make on the people in my life.

The problem for me is when people (read: women) take it so seriously that it is a major slight if their boyfriends/husbands want to do something simple or silly.

I particularly detest the jewelry commercials. They present this idea that if you love your woman you will spend THOUSANDS of dollars of jewelry each year for each holiday. Gift giving that is required like that isn't gift giving, it is extortion.

-Julie

"There is a local radio station DJ that has a nice twist to this holiday. He claims (and rightly so) that Valentine's day is mostly for women. His response is that he has designated March 14 Steak and BJ day. If a man takes care of his woman on Valentine's day (chocolate, dinner, flowers, candy, etc) she is then supposed to treat him to a properly cooked steak and a BJ on 3/14." - Julie

There is a place called "The Patriarchy" where every day is steak and BJ day.

In fact, it's my own special republic!

I'm with NicoleK-I love Valentine's Day and every other holiday. Any day that's an excuse to decorate/celebrate/eat themed candy/bake is awesome in my book. As a college student, I especially love the holidays because I always get care packages from my family with decorations and themed cookies. Also, two of my friends and I have a tradition of getting dressed up and going out to a nice restaurant every Vday-whether we have boyfriends or not. Up through high school I used to give cards and candy to all my friends too.

Note that none of the reasons I love Vday have to do with getting stuff from guys. BUT they're things that appeal to girls in general: decorating, baking, dressing up, making cards. So I can see where males aren't as likely to get into the holiday (just as most guys probably aren't crazy about the shopping/baking/decorating/present-wrapping aspect of Christmas)

Valentine's day should be ignored by anyone older than 12.

While perhaps originally a celebration of romance, it has become just another "shit test" for men in the Land of the Goddess Cult.

What exactly have today's group of entitlement queens been doing for men to deserve all this special attention and adulation?

Where is the day when women are expected to do nice things for their men (apart from just leaving them the hell alone for the Superbowl)?

Feh.

I particularly detest the jewelry commercials...Gift giving that is required like that isn't gift giving, it is extortion.

Check out the episode of "Family Guy" called "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater." It has a mock diamond commercial with the man and woman in silhouette with the woman starting to get on her knees and the tagline is "Diamonds...she'll pretty much have to."
Another one I like is Ron White's observations on the subject. There was a commercial whose tagline was "Take her breath away." His analysis: "Diamonds...that'll shut her up."

Again, if your SO is making it all about her, that says more about your relationship than about the holiday.

V-Day isn't a big spending day, it's a exchange a very small thing day. If your SO is demanding diamonds... that's just weird. I don't know anyone who gets diamonds for Valentine's day. Pink Cupcake, yes. Platinum earrings, no.

If she's expecting you to be her slave for the day, DTMFA.

There is a place called "The Patriarchy" where every day is steak and BJ day.

In fact, it's my own special republic!

ROFLOL! Steak and BJs aren't a tool of 'the patriarchy', especially if there is reciprocation.

(I was going to go much 'saltier' but decided against it...)

-Julie

>>I don't know anyone who gets diamonds for Valentine's day. Pink Cupcake, yes. Platinum earrings, no.

My price is beyond cupcakes.

"ROFLOL! Steak and BJs aren't a tool of 'the patriarchy', especially if there is reciprocation.

(I was going to go much 'saltier' but decided against it...) -Julie"

Your choice of 'saltier' made me ROFLMAO. I've got such a dirty mind ;)

BTW, there really is a place online called "The Patriarchy" It can be found at:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThePatriarchy

"V-Day isn't a big spending day, it's a exchange a very small thing day." NicoleK

Well that depends... have you seen ANY ads for something to get a guy? Flower commercials, jewelry commercials, etc... You'd think if it was accepted that it was an exchange thing, there would be commercials hawking whatever it is guys want for valentines... after all that part is about commerce. "Take her on a romantic getaway... make sure the flowers are fresh... only the best chocolates will do..."

I don't know that this reflects too poorly on women who have some romantic expectations, if those interests aren't met. But the whole mars/venus thing isn't to be underestimated. But think about what we might want from each other as an extension of our overall evolutional interest in each other. What's not to be unexpected that she would want something that means something emotional to her, something connected. That he might be more interested in something physiscal? The reciprocity wouldn't be identical anyway. Maybe the issue is that there isn't much reciprocity there, and that'll cause the complaint. After all, nobody is advertizing "Steak and favorite position day." in Target.

"thanks for the flowers, but your not getting any tonight..." OK, NOW we can see where there might be an issue.

I think maybe this is another stark reminder that we want different things from each other, and one of those things, nobody really wants to discuss...

heh, nothing says love like bug shaped chocolates...

valentines bugs

pointing out of course in Japan and S. Korea that valanetines is when the girl gives the boy chocolates, and white day is when he reciprocates...

Yep, there's no holiday in existence that folks can't overdo and ruin.

>>Yep, there's no holiday in existence that folks can't overdo and ruin.

No truer words!

Amy: "I also told Gregg he never has to buy me diamonds or jewelry. (I wear plastic jewelry, and find diamonds to be ugly, vulgar and a stupid waste.)"

I love the way diamonds sparkle (and other gems), but I'd hate for anyone to spend that much money just for something that I could lose so easily. So I get the cheapie stuff they make for girls going to prom when I want a sparkle. I don't understand "diamond-lust"; to my mind, costume jewelry fakes it pretty well these days. The only way I can see making an argument for diamonds is for something you're going to wear a lot of the time, so you need it to be indestructible and cleanable. (Wedding ring, for example).

SwissArmyD: "Well that depends... have you seen ANY ads for something to get a guy?"

If it helps, I've seen a couple of V-day themed commercials for cell phones. Can't remember if it was a girl giving to a guy or not, though. But generally, its advised that if you want to get your man something special, give him electronics. (Or in my circle of guys, a collectible.)

NicoleK writes: "Do you get this worked up about other holidays?"

As for me, check that: I just IGNORE holidays. All of them. My wife and I use our own imagination and, depending on the circumstances, every day can be a holiday. We don't need to do the same thing, the same day as everybody else in order to be happy, just because the flyers and the commercials on TV say so.

Eh, my DH and I are nice to each other every day -- polite and kind and warm and considerate and interested. And I'm going to cook a special candlelight supper tonight, and probably we'll have flowers on the table and give each other cards, though there will be no punishment if either of us doesn't do this. But what we do we'll do because it's fun and it's nice and having a special day now and then just feels good.

I hate Valentine's Day because it is a grand excuse for restaurants to overcharge and under-deliver.

I love Valentine's Day because it really is an opportunity to celebrate connection - and have a special ritual to explore your love.

Here at Imago, one year we even ran a series of events around the world, where couples would just meet and celebrate their love, using a particular dialogue approach we like. We called the event "Keep it Real".

I've rambled on about this more at http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/blog/relationshipadvice/real-love-on-valentines-day/